Gordo Thinks Gay Soldiers Wear Diapers

Gordon Klingenschmitt has gone on some bizarre rants in his day, but this one may take the cake. Letting gay people serve in the military is bad idea, he says, because they’re always “taking breaks on the combat field to change diapers all because their treacherous sin causes them to lose control of their bowels.” Uh, Gordo…I think you may be thinking of David Vitter.

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  • Randomfactor

    He may have first-hand knowledge, considering how far up his ass his head is.

  • Chiroptera

    Uh, is he saying that gays are all a bunch of sissy cowards? Unlike he-man masculine hetereosexual men?

  • Brandon

    He’s referring to the goofy myths about anal sex causing incontinence, right? He’s going to be seriously freaked out when he finds out that there’s a much larger number of straight couples having anal sex than gay couples.

  • http://Reallyawakeguy.blogspot.com somnus

    Yes, Chiro, I do believe that’s exactly what he’s saying.

  • A Masked Avenger

    He’s referring to the goofy myths about anal sex causing incontinence, right?

    Yeah, I assume so. In my younger days, I heard an urban legend that specifically attributed this phenomenon to Jon Bon Jovi. I remember lots of jokes about him being diapered on stage, and the incongruous image of wearing diapers under spandex.

  • http://www.gregory-gadow.net Gregory in Seattle

    Seriously, what kind of psychotic, perverted mind is necessary to think up stuff like this?

  • A Masked Avenger

    Seriously, what kind of psychotic, perverted mind is necessary to think up stuff like this?

    Someone who thinks about gay sex in vivid, lurid detail.

  • Trebuchet

    According to RWW, Klinging-to-schitt didn’t even come up with this one himself, he’s just quoting some other wingnut.

  • Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    …right, because if there’s one thing we know about muscles, it’s that using them a lot makes them weaker.

  • http://twitter.com/#!/TabbyLavalamp Tabby Lavalamp

    I haven’t watched the video, but does he use the words “gay bowel syndrome”?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_bowel_syndrome (or, if you’re feeling like you haven’t hit your head to your desk enough today – http://www.conservapedia.com/Gay_bowel_syndrome )

  • Synfandel

    Slightly off topic…

    Can someone who used to be religious please explain to me what “In Jesus’ name” means? ( I assume it’s supposed to have an apostrophe, but Kingenschmitt’s grammar is lacking.) I often have a hard time understanding what common religious phrases mean, because I don’t have a religious upbringing and the phrases don’t seem to make sense in the vernacular.

    When you do something in someone else’s name, aren’t you acting as their agent or on their authority, as in:

    “Until 1513, Henry continued the policy of his father, to allow Irish lords to rule in the king’s name and accept steep divisions between the communities.”

    If so, are we being asked to pray on behalf of Jesus or with Jesus’ permission?

  • freehand

    Synfandel – it’s out of fashion now in the general population. Klingenschmitt probably uses the King James Version bible, using 1611 King’s English. (Raised Southern Baptist) we used this to mean that we were doing something as a representative of Jesus, under his command. But I think that it was used so much and so mindlessly that it really is just usually an affirmation of membership in the tribe in good standing. Sometimes it is a magical spell of sorts: “In Jesus’ name, I command ye evil spirits to depart from this innocent child!” That sort of thing.

  • http://www.gregory-gadow.net Gregory in Seattle

    @Synfandel #11 – It comes from the Gospel of John: Whatever you ask in my name, I will do it, that the Father may be glorified in the Son; if you ask[a] anything in my name, I will do it.John 14:13-14

    Similar sentiments are found elsewhere in John (15:16, 16:23-24). These verses have led to a doctrine among some schools of Talibangelical thought that God cannot hear your prayers unless you “pray in Jesus’ name” and that anything asked in Jesus’ name will be given… that is to say, the doctrine that God is nothing more than a slot machine that will always pay off if you pull the handle just right. What Cap’n Crazy is implying is that he (and, of course, those who financially support him) have a special in with the Almighty Creator and Ruler of All because he knows the magical password.

  • steve oberski

    @Synfandel

    It means “send me money now”.

  • weaver

    I’ve deployed to three wars. I never – NEVER – saw an American troop lose control of his bowels in combat.

    But this coward wouldn’t know anything about that – his ass has never been to combat, despite service in a time of the US’s highest wartime deployment tempo since WWII.

  • marcus

    Only if they’re gay snipers. (Snipers who are gay.)

  • cry4turtles

    A conversation with my father-in-law (whom I do love dearly):

    Dad, “Gays shouldn’t be in the military because men all have to bunk in the same room, and the gays will try to…well…you know.”

    Me, “When you were in the military, did you bunk with your military brothers?”

    Dad, “Yes.”

    Me, “You bunked with a gay man.”

    Dad, “Huh?”. Realization sets in.

    Me, “An out gay military brother will molest you just as much as your closeted military brothers did.”

    Silence.

  • jnorris

    A Masked Avenger, let me fix it for you:

    Someone who thinks about gay sex with DEMONS in vivid, lurid detail.

    Not only is Mr Klingenschmitt an “expert” on gay sex, he’s America’s foremost authority on demon possession. He can count the number of demons in you just by watching you on TV.

  • savagemutt

    Can someone who used to be religious please explain to me what “In Jesus’ name” means? ( I assume it’s supposed to have an apostrophe, but Kingenschmitt’s grammar is lacking.) I often have a hard time understanding what common religious phrases mean, because I don’t have a religious upbringing and the phrases don’t seem to make sense in the vernacular.

    The significance here is that Gordo claims he was booted from the army for “praying in Jesus’ name”, rather than as actually happened, appearing at political events in uniform.

  • kevo

    Doesn’t El Gordo support the troops? Does he not know that the US Army has been outfitting its gayest soldiers in X-10 Manbottom Protective Action Diapers? These are no ordinary diapers, for your common baby, incontinent senior or amusing monkey photograph. These diapers are made of 6 layer Kevlar specifically designed to never rip, tear, shred or fray no matter what sinful dalliances Satan has watched the wearer commit. They are stress-tested by being able to drag a bowling ball behind a tank for 2 miles along a dirt road yet are delicate enough to wick any demon-laded moisture away from America’s modern fighting man’s behind. They are equipped with a laser scope for pin-point peeing accuracy and come in three distinct patterns: choco-chip, desert and amazing fuschia. They are light-weight, durable but dry-clean only. Should a soldier find himself with a filled diaper, there is an emergency ripcord which, much like an airbag, is able to cleanly blow away any bible-hating anal-effluvium directly towards enemy forces to both confuse and humiliate them.

    What the hell does Gordo thinks goes on in a battlefield?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=730511544 billdaniels

    A fundie minister, Patrick Wooden, said that, because of anal intercourse and fisting, gay men loose control of their bowels and must wear diapers. He had to take off his own diapers to pull this gem out of his nether regions.

  • weaver

    RE Comment by SavageMutt:

    He wasn’t booted from the Army.

    He was a Navy Chaplain. THEY kicked his ass out for engaging in political activities while in uniform.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=701394965 patrickashton

    If marriage is a “combat multiplier in that it gives our married troops hope and a reason to fight well,” then shouldn’t we let homosexuals get married so they’ll be better troops?

  • Trebuchet

    RE Comment by SavageMutt:

    He wasn’t booted from the Army.

    He was a Navy Chaplain. THEY kicked his ass out for engaging in political activities while in uniform.

    Thank you for picking that nit so I didn’t have to.

    The Air Force would have promoted the idiot.

  • 12ab

    Trebuchet: “The Air Force would have promoted the idiot.”

    Actually, Gordo tried to become an Air Force Chaplain and they would not accept him. He was an Air Force officer and wanted to enter the Air Force Chaplain Corps as a chaplain. They knew what kind of jerk he was and would not let him access into their Chaplain Corps. He then went to the Navy who accepted him and as soon as he entered the Navy’s Chaplain School he began to cause trouble and remained as an incorrigible trouble-maker until the Navy finally had enough and sent him home.

  • grumpyoldfart

    I know an Australian soldier who served in Vietnam. He said that on more than one occasion he shit himself while under attack. He said it was always pitch black and very runny.

  • Ichthyic

    NEVER – saw an American troop lose control of his bowels in combat.

    Nope, that only happens to aging pop stars….

  • Ichthyic

    Gordo tried to become an Air Force Chaplain and they would not accept him. He was an Air Force officer and wanted to enter the Air Force Chaplain Corps as a chaplain. They knew what kind of jerk he was and would not let him access into their Chaplain Corps.

    Niedermeyer: Killed by his own troops….

  • robertfaber

    I can’t help but think that guys like this watch a lot of porn. LOTS of porn, with variety not available in the natural world.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Was he ever in the military?

    When I was in, the body of troops that was constantly taking breaks to catch their breath and ruin their lungs was the cigarette smokers. Maybe they should be disqualified from joining? And what about the people who bathe? In a field environment, that’s a pretty big resource drag. I remember one time, I didn’t get to bathe for a week (and it stopped sucking after the 3rd day) … Diapers? Well, maybe the most serious of long-hide snipers might actually do that.

  • dingojack

    grumpyoldfart – ” He said that on more than one occasion he shit himself while under attack. He said it was always pitch black and very runny”.*

    Yeah, I hate those pitch black, runny attacks. (But what were the turds like?)

    😉 Dingo

    ——–

    * hence: ‘Shitting yourself” or “packing darkies” = being very afraid.

  • dingojack

    Lucky ‘Fruity Gordo’ was never in actual combat. What would you do about that long streak of chicken shit?

    Dingo

  • kevinalexander

    Can someone who used to be religious please explain to me what “In Jesus’ name” means?

    .

    He learned it at Hogwarts. Seriously, language is full of supposedly magical phrases that protect us from unnamed evils.

    My favourite is ‘By Holy Mary’s Crabs!’

  • robnyny

    Weird. According to the 2010 Kinsey Institute study of sexuality, the vast majority of anal intercourse (available online at U Indiana) is enjoyed by straight couples, especially those under age 30. If the phenomenon existed, it shold be called “straight bowel syndrome.”

  • anne mariehovgaard

    robnyny:

    the vast majority of anal intercourse (available online at U Indiana)

    Must be an interesting place to be a student.

    jnorris:

    Someone who thinks about gay sex with DEMONS in vivid, lurid detail.

    Well I don’t know what a demon penis looks like, it might be the size of a body builder’s arm and covered in spines. I guess that would do some damage.

  • matty1

    Not only is Mr Klingenschmitt an “expert” on gay sex, he’s America’s foremost authority on demon possession. He can count the number of demons in you just by watching you on TV.

    Klingenschmitt only uses his TV to watch ‘specialist’ films that increase his knowledge of gay demons. Purely for research purposes of course.

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    “Seriously, what kind of psychotic, perverted mind is necessary to think up stuff like this?”

    Asked and answered.

    People like Gordo are never truly happy if anyone else is happy.

  • sailor1031

    Taking breaks in combat? I rather think not!

  • noastronomer

    Online anal intercourse!?!

    Is there an app for that?

  • freehand

    It is common for soldiers and police to lose control of their bladder and bowels in their first firefight. This is a result of adrenalin and not necessarily cowardice. They learn stay as empty as possible before going on a mission, so you may not see many incidents in any particular dangerous situation. Rory Miller and David Grossman both discuss this in their books.

    .

    The tendency to lose conscious control only goes away if the warrior has survived so many battles that he/she becomes blasé about such incidents from experience. Common in soldiers in wartime, but uncommon in street cops (most don’t actually see as many firefights as the ones on TV do).

  • kevinalexander

    You don’t need an app. Put a condom on your smartphone and set it to vibrate.

    From my experience it’s also a good idea to put a lanyard on your phone first. The nurse in the emergency room recommended it.

  • dugglebogey

    This is literally latent homosexuality. Let me translate:

    “taking breaks on the combat field to change diapers all because their treacherous sin causes them to lose control of their bowels.”

    means, “I want to have so much gay sex that my asshole stops working properly.”

  • magistramarla

    What came to my mind was something that Bill Cosby once said in a comedy routine.

    He said that it didn’t seem to make sense to wear clean underwear in case of an accident, since “First you say it, then you do it”.

    One’s sexual orientation wouldn’t be significant in that case at all.

  • StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    Uh, Gordo…I think you may be thinking of David Vitter.

    Or the NASA astronauts like the straight woman one who famously wore a nappy for the long drive to attack her rival for the love of a male Shuttle astronaut?