Boykin’s Macho, Well-Armed Jesus

A few months ago, Jerry Boykin told an audience about his rather lurid fantasy of Jesus having “big, bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, [and] strong shoulders.” Now he even knows what kind of gun Jesus will be carrying when he returns to kill his enemies: An AR-15.

The Lord is a warrior and in Revelation 19 is says when he comes back, he’s coming back as what? A warrior. A might warrior leading a mighty army, riding a white horse with a blood-stained white robe … I believe that blood on that robe is the blood of his enemies ’cause he’s coming back as a warrior carrying a sword.

And I believe now – I’ve checked this out – I believe that sword he’ll be carrying when he comes back is an AR-15.

Now I want you to think about this: where did the Second Amendment come from? … From the Founding Fathers, it’s in the Constitution. Well, yeah, I know that. But where did the whole concept come from? It came from Jesus when he said to his disciples ‘now, if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.’

I know, everybody says that was a metaphor. IT WAS NOT A METAPHOR! He was saying in building my kingdom, you’re going to have to fight at times. You won’t build my kingdom with a sword, but you’re going to have to defend yourself. And that was the beginning of the Second Amendment, that’s where the whole thing came from. I can’t prove that historically and David [Barton] will counsel me when this is over, but I know that’s where it came from.

And the sword today is an AR-15, so if you don’t have one, go get one. You’re supposed to have one. It’s biblical.

These people scare the shit out of me.

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  • Chiroptera

    The great thing about mythological figures is that you can read whatever you want into them.

    You want peace-loving hippie Jesus? You got him.

    You want Tea Party Rambo Jesus? You got him, too!

  • gorgias

    You know, if I was to write up a parody over-the-top, hyper-masculine gun nut/Jesus freak, this is the kind of speech I would have him give. Except I would write it out, look at it, and think, “Nah, maybe I went a little too far. Even this is stretching the bounds of how ludicrously militaristic and oddly homoerotic a portrait such a person would paint of Jesus.”

    I almost suspect that wingnuts these days keep doubling down on their insanity as a plot to put political satirists out of work. How can you make jokes about something that is already its own punch line? And is it even funny anymore when enough people take it completely seriously?

  • D. C. Sessions

    Poe’s Law demonstrated once again: you really can’t parody them.

  • Matt G

    Are both Jesus and Jerry naked in his fantasy?

  • Mr Ed

    In the worlds of James T. Kirk, “Why does god need a starship AR-15.”

    I know Isaiah 9:6 calls Jesus the prince of peace. This is what I love about the Bible there is a quote for every position.

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    Whoa! I think that Jerry’s lookin’ for “Reach around JESUS”.

    @5:

    Peace is easier when all of the bad peepuls are dead.

  • Phillip IV

    David [Barton] will counsel me when this is over

    Is Barton a pseudo-psychiatrist now, in addition to his pseudo-history? I mean, I do agree that Boykin badly needs counseling, but it’ll definitely take a real pro to get to the bottom of his problems.

  • StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    I believe now – I’ve checked this out – I believe that sword he’ll be carrying when he comes back is an AR-15.

    Y’know I’d love to know how he checked out that it’s specifically an AR-15.

  • ShowMetheData

    I can’t prove that historically and David [Barton] will counsel me when this is over

    According to Barton, Jesus will have TWO AR-15’s – it’s in the Bible or the Constitution – he’ll have a quote from an obscure priest misquoting some Founding Father – homeopathic factuality.

  • tsig

    Jesus and your AR-15? Welcome to my M1A1 Abrams.

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    JESUS is from Bethlehem in the West Bank, right?

    I’m guessing his weapons of choice are:

    Katyusha rockets

    AK-47

    IED’s

    Suicide vests

    And, Jer, btw, he prolly looked a lot more like a shorter version of Osama B. than Fabio, NoI’msane?

  • vmanis1

    If you want Biblical authority, I have only to quote from the Book of Armaments:

    …And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O LORD, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.” And the LORD did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu… [At this point, the friar is urged by Brother Maynard to “skip a bit, brother”]… And the LORD spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.

    (Courtesy of Wikipedia, “Rabbit of Caerbannog”)

  • scenicartist

    Presumably, Jesus would be a Middle-Eastern man. Wouldn’t it be more likely that he would be equipped with an AK-47? More reliable in the desert, although a bit embarrassing for Boykin and his American Jesus fantasy.

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    Now that I think on it, JESUS would make one HELL of a suicide bomber.

    Strap on the bombpack, wander over to a pizza shop (do they ever attack bagel shops? Do Israelis even EAT bagels?) detonate bomb, splatter yourself and a lot of other folks all over the plaza. Wake up in 3 days, rinse and repeat.

  • cottonnero

    AR-15 is a registered trademark of Colt. Do you think Christ has a licensing or sponsorship agreement with them?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Sure, He’d buy American. That’s just basic eschatology. The real argument is what His horse would be armed with.

  • raven

    In the worlds of James T. Kirk, “Why does god need a starship AR-15.”

    True.

    Jesus is god, the most powerful entity in the universe. He could have whatever weapons he wants. LASER;s, MASERS, death beams, plasma rifles, void pistols. particle beams, ray guns, and those are just the hand weapons.

    Nukes, lightening bolts, antimatter bombs, nerve gas, and the always popular biological warfare.

    Lately he has been mostly using HAARP weapons to control the weather..

    N.W.D.: HAARP doomsday machine.

    theskepticshelpdesk. blogspot. com/2008/…/haarp-doomsday-machine.ht…‎

    Aug 10, 2008 – -It’s a top secret US military energy weapon to zap cities with energy beams … -It’s a doomsday machine that is going to destroy the entire world.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=523300770 stuartsmith

    After you buy your sword, aren’t you supposed to beat it into a ploughshare?

    Also, if the passage is not metaphorical, surely that would make the sword it refers to a sword, rather than a gun.

  • Al Dente

    I agree with sceicartist @13. Jesus’s gun would be an AK47 or more likely the AKM (Avtomat Kalashnikova Modernizirovanniy [Автомат Калашникова Модернизированный]) a lighter, more reliable and cheaper version of the original.

  • raven

    Boykin got his mythology wrong anyway.

    IIRC, somewhere in John’s Weird Fantasy are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are war, famine, infectious disease, and death.

    So we already know which weapons jesus will use. These are of course, weapons of mass destruction that target the civilian population.

    Not suprising, the xian god invented genocide in Genesis and didn’t much like Canaanite civilians.

  • http://timgueguen.blogspot.com timgueguen

    I wonder if he’s ever seen Dr. Strangelove.

  • kylawyer

    I agree with Ed, people like this scare me. The fact remains this asshole was at one time a general in the US Army with access to all sorts of armed violence. And scarier is that, as the MRFF shows us with their reports on fundamentalism in the military, there are many more just like him on active duty in today’s military.

  • matty1

    Weapons? Come on any god worth the name should be able to just think his enemies out of existence. If he wants to make some kind of point I suppose he could leave the corpses but otherwise it just be zap “Where’s Bill?” “Bill who?”

  • caseloweraz

    Mr Ed beat me to the starship comment.

    Mr Ed: I know Isaiah 9:6 calls Jesus the prince of peace. This is what I love about the Bible there is a quote for every position.

    Right; he’s either the prince of peace or the prince of piece — as in: carrying a rod; packing heat; packing a piece; loaded for bear; strapped up.

  • dingojack

    According to the KJV:

    “19 And after these things I heard a great voice of much people in heaven, saying, Alleluia; Salvation, and glory, and honour, and power, unto the Lord our God:

    2 For true and righteous are his judgments: for he hath judged the great whore, which did corrupt the earth with her fornication, and hath avenged the blood of his servants at her hand.

    3 And again they said, Alleluia And her smoke rose up for ever and ever.

    4 And the four and twenty elders and the four beasts fell down and worshipped God that sat on the throne, saying, Amen; Alleluia.

    5 And a voice came out of the throne, saying, Praise our God, all ye his servants, and ye that fear him, both small and great.

    6 And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.

    7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.

    8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.

    9 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.

    10 And I fell at his feet to worship him. And he said unto me, See thou do it not: I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren that have the testimony of Jesus: worship God: for the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.

    11 And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

    12 His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.

    13 And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.

    14 And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.

    15 And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.

    16 And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, King Of Kings, And Lord Of Lords.

    17 And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God;

    18 That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great.

    19 And I saw the beast, and the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against him that sat on the horse, and against his army.

    20 And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.

    21 And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.”

    Dingo

  • illdoittomorrow

    Cottonnero @ 15,

    AR-pattern rifles (and 1911-pattern pistols, for that matter) are a lot like Christianity: everyone and their uncle makes a knockoff version, each “better” than the version before.

  • Michael Heath

    Here’s a perfect spot for Jerry Boykin to jerk-off: http://goo.gl/OlqhWi.

    This linked image is in a Catholic church in St. Clair Shores, MI, St. Margaret of Scotland.

  • Michael Heath

    A slightly better image than the previous post’s: http://goo.gl/IlpG0X

  • Michael Heath

    timgueguen writes:

    I wonder if [Jerry Boykin’s] ever seen Dr. Strangelove.

    I bet he enjoys that movie in the same manner conservatives enjoy Stephen Colbert.

  • colnago80

    Actually, ole Yeshua ben Yusef of Nazareth would prefer Tsar bombes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/den.wilson d.c.wilson

    Jesus must be a huge step down from his dad. Yahweh could annihilate all of humanity with flood waters and rain fire from the sky on a city for having too much ghey butt sechz(tm) but all Jesus can muster is a solitary automatic weapon?

  • matty1

    @5 To be strict Isaiah was written before the gospels and describes a character called Prince of Peace, to identify this with Jesus you pretty much have to accept the Christian view it was a prophecy about him. Anyway I wonder what Boykin thinks of the opening of Isaiah 10.

    Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people,making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless.

  • Michael Hoaglin

    IT WAS NOT A METAPHOR! …And, by the way, the “sword” is an AR-15.

  • gardengnome

    “IT WAS NOT A METAPHOR! …And, by the way, the “sword” is an AR-15.”

    So why is Schwarzenegger Jesus still riding horses?

  • leonardschneider

    Uh boy. Revelations. The revenge fantasy of a guy in prison; content-wise, it’s a cross between Stephen King and Mickey Spillane. Oh well, it had lots of blood, lots of action, no wonder the publishers kept it in.

    And the AR-15!? Hahahahaha! I think I said it yesterday, but I’ll repeat it: it’s the Barbie Doll of semi-autos. There’s just so many darling ways you can dress it up!

    As a weapon, its usefulness is limited at least partially due to its small caliber. On a battlefield it’s good for suppression fire and that’s about it. There are some Fudds out there who claim it’s good for hunting… But it’s not going to drop anything big. Serious hunters refer to AR-15 users as using the “spray and pray” approach: get enough ammo flying and hope it hits and at least slows down what you were trying to aim for.

    As far as Boykin’s assertions go, well, he’s actually kind of right in one aspect. Now wait! Roll with me here: regardless of what you believe, just go with the idea that a couple thousand years ago there was a fairly skilled philosopher and orator named Jesus.

    And Jesus’ day job was as a carpenter, just like his dad. This being a couple millennia before the Mikita Corporation came into existence, Jesus earned his bread through incredibly back-breaking, intense physical labor, day in and day out. He’d have been in really good shape, just because of how his average work day went. So as much as it pains me to agree with the creep, Boykin got that right: Jesus would have been a pretty ripped sumbitch. (The “walking everywhere” routine certainly helped, too.)

    Of course, Boykin probably also thinks Jesus looked like a young Ted Nugent: blue eyes, long flowing blond hair, fair complexion. (*sigh*) Being from the middle east, the blue eyes and fair skin are fairly self-explanatory, as in NO, why are you so dumb? And the long hair? Uh, yeah, Jesus was a devout Jew, and Jewish men did NOT let their hair grow long, period. Jesus would have had it hacked off with a knife if it got too long.

    Oh, and Boykin? IT WAS SO A METAPHOR. Shit, it wasn’t even that. Like I said up top, it was the writings of a dude who was locked up, a revenge fantasy. He was probably half out of his tree to begin with, nuttier than a Stuckey’s Log, and obviously he hated he jailers, so Revelations pretty much equates to, “Yeah, you guys think you’re so tough, but wait until my (dead) friend gets here! He’s gonna fuck everybody up, then we’ll see who’s laughing, a-yup a-yup!”

    Revelations is good to read if you’re in the mood for some Clive Barker, but for some reason you only have a New Testament around.

  • http://www.gregory-gadow.net Gregory in Seattle

    Political cartoonist David Horsey knew four years ago that such statements would be made, and has already drawn up an ad campaign for the new macho Jesus.

  • lochaber

    I’ve always been puzzled by that quote. Swords are rather difficult to make properly, and if they aren’t made properly, they are rarely worth having.

    What kind of sword could you get for the price of a used cloak?

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    JESUS did not have long hair OR short hair He was bald as a cue ball and had a stylish 3 days or so of stubble, at all times. Well, either he was bald or he had a Joe Dirt kinda mullet and a Pornstache that would rival Joe “Village People Biker*” Farah’s.

    The picture also has his ride wrong. HE will be on a Harley.

    @30&31:

    “Oy, he, of little faith**” as the lad used to say to his exasperated handlers in Galilee; it is an AR-15, but it’s a DIVINELY INSPIRED AR-15 and it shoots 3MTB’s*** at the rate of several thousand rounds per minute from its Loaves’n’Fishes Inexhaustible Magazine of The Apocalypse.

    * https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=524656567600738&set=a.524656560934072.1073741826.524627244270337&type=1&theater

    ** Not, “Oh ye of little faith” as incorrectly translated for eons. HE was JEWISH, ffs.

    ***Miraculous Micro Miniature Tsar Bombes.

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    “What kind of sword could you get for the price of a used cloak?”

    Another error in the translation from the early CE English to the KJV Englishe.

    What really happened was that the guy got the cloak up front, for the sword and after, the “Shroud of Turin”. True story.

  • https://www.facebook.com/adam.achen A Waterchapel

    I, as well, found it ridiculous the man in one breath said the passage was not metaphoric, but in the next interpretted the text as a metphor.

    Clearly, not the most cogent of chaps. But …. doesn’t the audience notice the disconnect?

  • leonardschneider

    @ democommie (#38):

    A Harley? Bah! Jesus is a skater. (Although he’s been known to use a pogo stick.)

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    “Clearly, not the most cogent of chaps. But …. doesn’t the audience notice the disconnect?”

    Please refer back to your first sentence.

  • birgerjohansson

    Didn’t Family Guy once feature Moses and Jesus blowin’ away Romans with AK-47s ? Or am I thinking of American Dad?

    — — — — — — —

    “I’ve always been puzzled by that quote. Swords are rather difficult to make properly, and if they aren’t made properly, they are rarely worth having”

    I once read the number of man-hours and the amount of charcoal needed for just one basic sword. I forgot the exact number, but it was impressive. A simple musket would possibly be cheaper. So Jesus is quite rational in joining the gunpowder age.

  • birgerjohansson

    Jesus may be the badass gang leader of the second Mad Max film.

  • dingojack

    More like the Toecutter.

    Dingo

  • martinc

    David [Barton] will counsel me when this is over

    Perhaps Boykin is letting us know that Barton has claimed some sort of copyright over making up history.

  • birgerjohansson

    Chiroptera @ 1,

    When mixing DNA for the perfect Saviour the Silver City cloning department was not quite up to the job. Since cloning is a bit of a hit-and-miss affair they took a batch of 100 eggs hoping at least one would be viable.

    It turned out surprisingly many produced a functioning infant, but not all were quite all right in terms of cognitive functions, impulse control et cetera.

    One was chosen at random for the Bethelem thing. The rest took the opportunity provided by his demise 33 years later to infiltrate the growing Christianity resulting in a confusing multitude of sects that to this day are being used as proxies for the sibling rivalry.

    Rambo Jesus is but one of the more dysfunctional ones. Hippie Jesus does not accomplish much but is at least not into bacterial or nuclear genocide.

  • brucegee1962

    Jesus also (in one of those self-contradictory moments) said “He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword.” Since the statistics show that gun ownership is a good predictive factor for who will get shot, that’s actually one of the more accurate things he said. Maybe it means next time he’s going to take a hit from his own AR-15.

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    “Maybe it means next time he’s going to take a hit from his own AR-15.”

    Take this, and eat it, all of you. Especially you, Judas, you fucking scumbag rat!