WND Will Tell You the Exact Day of Jesus’ Return

The New Testament makes clear that no one can know the day that Jesus will return. You’d think that would slow down alleged Christian Joseph Farah, but not if there’s a buck to be made. If you send them five bucks, they’ll tell you the exact day when the lord returns in his glory to smite everyone Farah doesn’t like.

Pastor Mark Biltz, an expert in the Hebrew roots of Christianity, believes he knows when Jesus will return – the exact day, if not the specific year. And today only, WND readers can get this acclaimed teaching in the 2-DVD set, “The Feasts of the Lord,” for only $4.95 – an unprecedented $35 discount off the regular $39.95 price!

“I think most believers will be stunned by what they see in ‘The Feasts of the Lord’ teachings,” says Joseph Farah, founder and editor of WND, who produced the two-DVD set. “Their faith will be renewed or heightened to new limits. These are powerful videos – unlike anything ever produced before.”

In “The Feasts of the Lord,” Pastor Biltz, of El Shaddai Ministries, employs his Hebrew roots perspective to suggest believers can, indeed, know with relative assurance the specific day on the Hebrew calendar of Jesus’ return…

The video series “Feasts of the Lord” pinpoints the specific day on the Hebrew calendar for the return of Jesus. The only unknown, according to Biltz, is which year that return will occur – though he makes the case it is very near.

I love it when you can get stupidity for a discount, don’t you?

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • Olav

    WND:

    the 2-DVD set, “The Feasts of the Lord,” for only $4.95 – an unprecedented $35 discount off the regular $39.95 price!

    Meaning someone has a stack of DVDs that nobody wants, and they are trying to salvage some of the costs of producing them.

  • whirligig

    To show his confidence in his prediction, each buyer is also sent a hefty stone which they are encouraged to hurl at the false prophet if he turns out to be wrong. What a buy!

  • dugglebogey

    Little known fact: Jesus loved a good pyramid scheme.

  • raven

    It’s actually a huge bargain. Five bucks to know the day when jesus comes back.

    All someone has to do is pay $5 and then post the magic day on the internet. On a per person basis, it is $5 divided by 7 billion people.

    PS To be fair, his prediction probably isn’t worth even $5 though.

  • dhall

    “believers can, indeed, know with relative assurance the specific day . . .” “The only unknown, according to Biltz, is which year that return will occur – though he makes the case it is very near.”

    There’s an awful lot of wiggle room in those phrases. “Relative assurance of the specific day” is almost self contradictory, and of course, not pinpointing the year makes it even better. So, unlike the old idiot who predicted the rapture twice for 2012, this guy isn’t committing himself to a genuine specific prediction. I guess that makes him smarter than all of the other fools over the last 2000 years who have predicted the Second Coming. It also suggests that he’s not quite a feverish believer in his own crap.

  • alexmcdonald

    Their faith will be renewed or heightened to new limits

    Is there is no language that the average wingnut cannot torture and heghten to new limits?

  • Sastra

    Tell you what — I’ll send 5 bucks to Pastor Biltz if first he sends me the completed legal paperwork granting me all of his worldly assets the day after Jesus returns (to show me he’s not worried.) Otherwise, no deal.

  • anubisprime

    Well what should I charge for my prophecy?

    I know with certainty the exact day, cos god told me last night around my third large Jack D …he was unequivocal and said anyone that does not believe me damns themselves to everlasting hell and haemorrhoids in equal measure.

    The good lawd’ delivered unto me his son’s travel plans…

    He said…and I kid you not…that his son was making the necessary travel arrangements while awaiting confirmation that his cosmic passport has been renewed, bit of a backlog there and they went on strike last Monday week so it is a bit of a dogs bollox all around really, and consequently it might be delayed a tad…but soon as and all that!

    He has already packed his casual’s including sandals and string for the beach party and factor 30 sunscreen of course, he burns like a bea’atch apparently …according to daddy dear!

    I was to impart to the believing world that his son’s ticket is valid for travel on Thursday afternoon so he should arrive just after teatime, and can ya’all let god know when his son arrives…a short prayer of thanks is sufficient …and can ya’all keep a few sandwiches back cos the mobile buffet is hellish expensive and it is a longish haul cross galaxy, besides his holiday cash only goes so far!

    There is a question about whether tis this Thursday or next Friday. Tuesday was also mentioned but that was not sure!… it got complicated, I do have his assurance that Jeebus is coming and you should all get …well ready for the arrival.

    Furthermore it will be in August but could roll over into December depending on available cover for his desk job, Gabriel is kicking off about overtime and things are a little tense between all of them, Yahweh threatened to fire Gabriel’s ass and Gabriel went to the union complaining about bullying, lazy co-workers taking time off in the busy periods, and moaning about supernatural dismissal or something…(I was replenishing my JD about that point and was not paying a great deal of attention to be sure) anywaaaayyyyys ….

    Added to that problem apparently his dad told Jeebus he must also make arrangements for the goldfish cos his dad just has not got the time to fuck around feeding the damn things or changing their water while Jeebus is away……

    That is a bit tricky though cos Mary apparently swanned off to her mums last week for an unspecified spell (at least that is what she told Jeebus) anyway again his nibbs will let me know if there is any major change of plans whatsoever…but Jeebus is nearly here and apparently looking forward to seeing ya’all…

    Oh not really nailed it down to a year yet…but it is soon!…

    And that was end of message…

    I think that’s worth about 20 bucks of any xtians dosh…

  • whheydt

    I wonder if the chosen date is October 23? Perhaps in a year when that falls on a Sunday… (With apologies to the Bishop of Aramgh…to the extent he’s able to receive them.)

  • dingojack

    Matthew 24:35-37 [King James Version (KJV)]

    “35 Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.

    36 But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

    37 But as the days of Noah were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.”

    (just for the wingnuts: who clearly haven’t actually read the bible).

    Dingo

  • colnago80

    Re chihuahua @ #10

    Read the bibble? That’s work and the whackjobs are allergic to work.

    However, Farah is a grifter and a grifter’s got to grift.

  • StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    WND Will Tell You the Exact Day of Jesus’ Return

    Yeah, anyone can do that.

    But can they get it right?

    I doubt that.

  • anubisprime

    StevoR @ 12

    “Yeah, anyone can do that.

    But can they get it right?

    I doubt that.”

    I resent that Steve and god says you are a poopy head for doubting his word…(see @ 8)

    Don’t say I…via god…did not warn you!… sheesh…what does it take to convince some people?

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    Meaning someone has a stack of DVDs that nobody wants, and they are trying to salvage some of the costs of producing them.

    The predicted date is probably sometime in 2013.

  • busterggi

    I’ll end all the suspense right now – Jesus is coming back on Jesus-Coming-Back-Day which preautomatically superceedsanything else the day would have been called.

  • John Pieret

    If Ed fronts the $4.95 I’ll contribute a buck and I’m sure others will too.

    Think of it! … We could have an annual Not Rapture Day! Maybe we could even get a Federal Holiday out of it by claiming it’s a religious holiday, like Christmas! It would be a great excuse to party! It is nearly perfect!

  • lorn

    I think a review, one that reveals the exact date and supposed logic, might be in order. It’s the least we can do for the consumers.

  • grumpyoldfart

    the exact day, if not the specific year

    So it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

  • Ichthyic

    Little known fact: Jesus loved a good pyramid scheme.

    past tense?

    Jesus IS a great pyramid scheme.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    I see they FINALLY got Hal Lindsey’s name off their rolls. If they’re actually trying to sell the exact date of the end of the world, I guess it helps a little for them to finally fire the guy who so famously got it wrong.


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