The Benham Brothers Are Hilarious

David and Jason Benham, the two offspring of Christian totalitarian Flip Benham who got their TV show canceled for saying bigoted things, are absolutely hilarious. They spoke at the Star-Spangled Sunday event over the weekend and delivered some world class religio-babble.

As Jason explained, HGTV may have canceled their show but “they did not take our freedom because we’ve been set free by the blood of Jesus Christ … And we’re encouraging everybody else to take a stand just like that.”

David then declared that the church is just like the flag that flew over Fort McHenry during the British bombardment, before turning it into a strange analogy about MMA fighting by proclaiming that “when Satan steps into the octagon and he’s got rockets in one hand and bombs in another with Hamas, and ISIS, and this agenda to silence our freedoms in America, it is the Bride of Christ that steps in with our wedding gown on and combat boots on and a sword in our right hand and we will win in Jesus name.”

And then Jesus will put Satan in a figure four leg lock and execute a perfect piledriver on him and get the pin. Or something.

httpv://youtu.be/Ll_5HJNBr8g

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  • Anthony K

    Ahem. If your surname is lily-white Anglo like Benham, you ain’t a bohunk. That term is for people like me and my parents and grandparents, whose surnames are apparently unpronounceable by people with names like ‘Benham.’

    -Anthony “Thank you for shopping at Safeway, Mr. Kar…um…kariokis?” K.

  • Hatchetfish

    Ed, not sure what you’re using it to mean, but you might want to look up the definition and etymology of ‘bohunk’. Short version: racial slur for bohemian and hungarian immigrants.

  • Anthony K

    Short version: racial slur for bohemian and hungarian immigrants.

    And other Southern and Eastern Europeans for those who can’t be bothered to differentiate. But yes, generally and originally those groups you mentioned.

  • dhall

    ” . . .it is the Bride of Christ that steps in with our wedding gown on and combat boots on and a sword in our right hand and we will win in Jesus name.”

    Sounds like nuns wearing wedding gowns and combat boots paid for by the Benham brothers will be stepping into the fight, but the boys will get to keep the sword. Makes for a weird picture.

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    “‘Benham.’” Pronounced Been-yum

  • Hatchetfish

    And Anthony had the same thought while I was typing.

    Anthony: Yeah, they don’t do any better with my germanic surname, even though it’s been an english surname as well since the 1500’s. Or my girlfriend’s dutch surname. Safeway in particular; after a few thousand quizzical looks you’d think they’d drop that policy of making the clerks call you by name reading the receipt.

  • daved

    And then Jesus will put Satan in a figure four leg lock and execute a perfect piledriver on him and get the pin. Or something.

    Ah, everyone knows these fights are fixed.

  • colnago80

    The term Honkie is derived from bohunk: bohunk -> hunkie -> honkie.

  • bushrat

    …it is the Bride of Christ that steps in with our wedding gown…

    LOL, what the…although they do make a good couple. Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials guys.

  • grumpyoldfart

    the Bride of Christ that steps in with our wedding gown on

    OUR wedding gown! Do the brothers play dress-ups together

  • caseloweraz

    Ed Brayton: And then Jesus will put Satan in a figure-four leg lock and execute a perfect piledriver on him and get the pin.

    No, Ed, it’ll be a tag-team match. Makes for more spectacle that way.

  • brucegee1962

    Someone should really write an essay on the history of transgender fantasy in Christianity. Ever since Paul used the “Church is the bride of Christ” image, there has been a long hisoty of male Christians and clergy getting all hot and sweaty imagining themselves as blushing bridges getting ready to be swept off their feet and carried to the bedroom by studly Jesus. See John Donne:

    “Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov’d fain,

    But am betroth’d unto your enemy;

    Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,

    Take me to you, imprison me, for I,

    Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,

    Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me. “

  • Loqi

    So Satan’s entire quest throughout eternity has been to destroy a single amendment to one constitution for a single nation that existed for a negligible amount of time relative to eternity? What a pathetic villain. Even the Joker has loftier goals than that. And ISIS exists for the same purpose? I’m sure that’s news to them. The idea that anything anyone ever does, has done, or will ever do is really all about the US is laughable.

    And Ed, Jesus doesn’t do the figure four. He technically wins via disqualification after Satan hits him with a steel chair (I think the chair was the Gay Agenda, but I’m not quite sure). Then Satan argues pointlessly with the ref until Jesus recovers and delivers his signature move, the American Exceptionalism Suplex off the top rope through the Spanish announce table. Then his entrance music, “Proud to be an American,” begins playing over the loudspeakers as they cut to commercial.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1092933945 mikegarber

    “…it is the Bride of Christ that steps in with our wedding gown on and combat boots on and a sword in our right hand…”

    Thanks for the Halloween idea.

  • D. C. Sessions

    Someone should really write an essay on the history of transgender fantasy in Christianity. Ever since Paul used the “Church is the bride of Christ” image, there has been a long hisoty of male Christians and clergy getting all hot and sweaty imagining themselves as blushing bridges getting ready to be swept off their feet and carried to the bedroom by studly Jesus.

    Goes back a bit farther than that — try the Song of Songs.

  • steve78b

    After reading that particular ……. story…… vignette…… whatever that the boys talked about … I’m thinking they are talking about some kind of weird porn.

    Sorry….. thats just the way that creepy description hit me.

    Now I need brain bleach…..

  • Stacy

    D.C. Sessions, I think the Song of Songs really was just love poetry, originally. Then at some point for some reason someone-or-other decided it had been written by Solomon, and then it became an “allegory.”

  • steve84

    These two belong in twincest porn

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    @steve84

    Add a little dominance scenario and Gordon Klingenschmitt will be the first subscriber.

  • jnorris

    Anthony K and Hatchetfish, I’m going to guess Ed meant ‘brohunk’ and just mistyped. He does that at times.

    And thank you for defining bohunk, never heard that in my part of the southern USA wasteland that is North Carolina.

    Last, I thought ‘honky’ was a reference to the nasal tones used by some northerners. Learn something everyday.

  • Hatchetfish

    Well, if so he’s mistyped it twice and never used “brohunk” that I’d seen (or a search reveals), so I figured I’d point it out, in case he meant a connotation like that and thought it was a neologism, or just didn’t know the background. I see it’s been removed, and I’m not going to beat him up about it.

  • busterggi

    re 4. – KFCBMoW vs AMWNs?

  • bmiller

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPWnsQsUxNo

    THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CHURCH IS ONE DOES NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CHURCH