God Says Weird Things to His ‘Prophets’

Tim Sheets, brother of the more famous but equally ridiculous Dutch Sheets, considers himself a prophet of God. And presuming that he does actually talk to God, he’s getting some hilarious messages from him. When people start speaking in this kind of religio-babble, I can’t help but giggle.

The alarm clock of heaven is now ringing on the night stand of a sleeping church; time to rise, time to rise to the occasion, time to get up! The Lord says, “I have lions hidden in My remnant, not wolves. They will now rise to patrol and remove the defeated ones, wolf packs, that have come to scatter My flocks. My lions will be fierce, bold, aggressive and unintimidated. They will not flinch when adversaries advance. They will stand strong,” says the Lord, “and fearless.

“A new roar will be heard from My tribe announcing territorial dominion. A roar claiming geographical and spiritual jurisdiction shall now sound from My remnant; a roar establishing that the throne of the territory is occupied and guarded. A rule against hell’s power shall be sounded. A roar of authority in My Name shall come against hell’s intrusions. My called-out ones, My sent ones, will now become step-forward ones.

“They will move forward in My power. They will manifest their rights as sons and daughters of God ruling and reigning with Me. As intended, My heirs are stepping from the shadows of cultural bondage. They shall now display disdain of enemy princes, mights, thrones, dominions and rulers of darkness. No longer will they compromise in shared rule; no longer settling for cohabitation, no longer accepting shared occupancy.

“Passive appeasement has now been replaced with backbones of steel, lips set on fire with Holy ingots, and a shout of the King is in their voice indeed. Jericho’s shout decree is in their mouth. Determined faith shall now be seen in My faithful ones as they march to remove demon philosophies and doctrines of devils from the land. No shared rule,” says the Lord.

“My rule, My rule shall prevail. My words shall prevail. Power to prevail is being poured out. Power to prevail is soaking My remnant. Power to overcome hell’s strategies; power to overcome demon doctrine and rebel government; power to more than conquer demon tactics is being released. Those who stand with Me shall see hell’s fire misfire.

“So arise and rule. Rise and roar with My authority. I will fill your enemy’s mouth with sand and their hearts with quicksand. They will find themselves stuck in their own mire. Roar with My freedom. Roar with My liberty. Let rejoicing roar out of Zion. March in to battle with confident peace.

Oh yes, please do that. We’ll be here pointing and laughing at you.

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  • Reginald Selkirk

    Tim Sheets, brother of the more famous but equally ridiculous Dutch Sheets

    Do they have another brother? They could be three Sheets to the wind.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    “I have lions hidden in My remnant

    Wow. That beats the rabbits in my remainder and the voles in my vestige.

  • Reginald Selkirk

    The alarm clock of heaven

    Such serious theological implications. Does God sleep? Does He need assistance waking up? Does His alarm clock have a snooze button? Does God sleeping in on snooze explain the Problem of Evil?

  • Larry

    I have lions hidden in My remnant, not wolves

    Oh. My. God!

    The Allied invasion to liberate occupied France is on!

  • John Pieret

    Sounds like he was reading the Chronicles of Narnia while tripping on acid.

    Dibbs on the band name “Holy Ingots.”

  • Nick Gotts
  • infraredeyes

    “Bring me my bow of burning gold,

    Bring me my arrows of desire!

    Bring me my spear,

    Oh, clouds unfold!

    For the alarm clock of Heaven has just gone off!!”

    I don’t think it works, myself.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Nick Gotts “Jargon aphasia?”

    I fail to see what one of Jabba the Hut’s cronies has to do with this.

  • rationalinks

    Ooooh, I want to try!

    Turning aside, she led them to the southern slopes of the hill of Cras Galadhon, and passing through a high green hedge they came into an enclosed garden. No trees grew there, and it lay open to the sky. The evening star had risen and was shining with white fire above the western woods. Down a long flight of steps the Lady went into the deep hollow, through which ran murmuring the silver stream that issued from the fountain on the hill. At the bottom, upon a low pedestal carved like a branching tree, stood a basin of silver, wide and shallow, and beside it stood a silver ewer.

    Oh wait, that’s The Lord of the Rings….dang it…

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Nick Gotts “Jargon aphasia?”

    Alternately, Dune character, rank, tool, poison, planet, or type of food. Pretty much anything in Dune, really.

  • dhall

    “Power to prevail is soaking My remnant.” Maybe he needs Depends?

  • Reginald Selkirk

    Roar with My freedom. Roar with My liberty.

    Unless you want to be free to do something I disagree with, in which case: death to you, demon seed!

  • D. C. Sessions

    Mr. Selkirk, I think the answer to your question depends on just how much ale He knocked down in Valhalla the night before.

  • D. C. Sessions

    Modus, you’re slipping. As a result I get the band name, “Jargon Aphasia”

    Suck on it, loser!

  • raven

    I have lions hidden in My remnant, not wolves.

    Oh gee.

    I hope someone is looking after those poor lions.

    Ever since humans invented spears and guns, the lions have been going downhill. There is a serious worry that they aren’t going to make it through the 21st century because of continual and illegal slaughter.

    Maybe he can find a zoo or wildlife park to take those lions.

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    This is clearly just a case where a person speaking in tongues happens to hit on a tongue that’s superficially similar to English. Statistically, it has to happen sometime or other.

  • Reginald Selkirk

    “I have lions hidden in My remnant…”

    Makes no sense to me. I am wondering if they meant raiment.

  • John Pieret

    Reginald Selkirk:

    I am wondering if they meant raiment.

    No. Later in his ravings, in a part Ed did not copy, he refers to “His remnant people.” I suspect he means the remaining True Christians™ (i.e. Charismatics).

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    D. C. Sessions “Modus, you’re slipping. As a result I get the band name, ‘Jargon Aphasia’”

    Why would you name your band after a song in the Harry Potter musical?

     

    Reginald Selkirk “Makes no sense to me. I am wondering if they meant raiment.”

    The Tom Cruise/Dustin Hoffman movie?

  • sirhc58

    lips set on fire

    Ow!

  • Ethan Myerson

    Makes sense to me. It’s like I always say: The last vestige of the final dualities are now upon the Kingdom of the Holy Flames. When the pager of wickedness starts buzzing on the nightstand of iniquity, only calling His most holy voicemail will prevail. And though He may not pick up, leave a message. In these times of travail, one must gird himself against the forlorn Snakes and Weevils in purged vestments of steel. Common sense, really.

  • Reginald Selkirk

    John Pieret #18: I suspect he means the remaining True Christians™ (i.e. Charismatics).

    Which makes the lion thing all the more strange. Lions and Christians have an unhappy history together.

  • http://www.clanfield.net janiceintoronto

    Is the author somewhere out there walking the streets without a keeper?

    Someone get this person some help. They are obviously crazy.

  • John Pieret

    Reginald Selkirk @ 22:

    Which makes the lion thing all the more strange.

    I can’t really bring myself to believe this rant could be any more strange.

    Lions and Christians have an unhappy history together.

    This time, the True Christians™ are going to be eating the non-believers.

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    @Reginald Selkirk #22:

    There’s always Aslan.

  • Broken Things

    Modus @2

    He will not tolerate aspersions being cast upon his asparagus.

  • busterggi

    I don’t need lions to stand up against wolves, I’ve got Tyr with me.

    Damned lions are just overgrown pussycats anyways, especially vegetarian lions.

  • Kevin Kehres

    So, he’s basically declaring a theocracy?

    OK. You go somewhere else and do that. I’m sure there are plenty of countries that will let you have a chunk of land to establish your own theocratic land.

    I mean, Jim Jones did it and look how well it turned out for him.

  • grumpyoldfart

    Christians can be little scallywags sometimes, can’t they?

  • caseloweraz

    “A new roar will be heard from My tribe announcing territorial dominion. A roar claiming geographical and spiritual jurisdiction shall now sound from My remnant; a roar establishing that the throne of the territory is occupied and guarded. A rule against hell’s power shall be sounded. A roar of authority in My Name shall come against hell’s intrusions.

    I keep thinking he had Katy Perry on in the background when he wrote this.

  • Michael Heath

    Wingnut:

    My lions will be fierce, bold, aggressive and unintimidated. They will not flinch when adversaries advance. They will stand strong . . .

    I’m reminded of Christians who claim they’re “attacked” when in fact they were merely criticized for stating idiotic delusional things. So my observation doesn’t match up with this wingnut’s description so well.

    In defense of these “persecuted” Christians, I also observe liberal secularists abusing the word ‘attack’ as well when one of theirs is a target. At least the latter only seem to use the term when their ally’s been defamed.

  • anubisprime

    “Hakuna Matata” sheet head!…

  • shadow

    @3:

    But, would an alarm work? On the 7th day, god rested — and objects at rest remain at rest.

  • dingojack

    I have bats in my belfry and a miniature topiary in my underpants…’ — RWNJ

    If the best you can manage to pull-out of your remnant box is lions, you’d better hope that nobody else has Hyenas, Jackals, Baboons or a really, really pissed-off Giraffe (as examples) to scare off (or kill) your lions.

    Dingo

  • lofgren

    I have lions hidden in My remnant, not wolves.

    This is such a coincidence, because I have loins hidden in my raiment.

  • skylanetc

    Jericho’s shout decree is in their mouth.

    God needs a brush-up on His grammar, evidently. One would think He could find a copy editor among His angels.

  • jnorris

    A new roar will be heard from My tribe announcing territorial dominion. A roar claiming geographical and spiritual jurisdiction shall now sound from My remnant; a roar establishing that the throne of the territory is occupied and guarded.

    Does this have anything to do with the Detroit v NY Jets game tomorrow?

  • otrame

    It seems to have a “millennium hand and shrimp” flavor to it, doesn’t it?

  • Sastra

    I’m most bothered by the sneaking suspicion that this is probably the standard preaching style of an entire community. The brothers Sheets grew up listening to this sort of stuff. It passed for profound poetry.

    Ick.

  • Lofty

    Holy Sheet.