Gohmert: Gay Massages Make Us Vulnerable to Terrorism

Louis Gohmert, in addition to the brilliant insights he offers on other subjects, apparently fancies himself to be a classical scholar. On a radio show, he inexplicably launched into a really weird diatribe about homosexuality and the military culture in ancient Greece, with predictably absurd results.

“I’ve had people say, ‘Hey, you know, there’s nothing wrong with gays in the military. Look at the Greeks,'” he said. “Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. But you know what, it’s a different kind of fighting, it’s a different kind of war and if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you’re not going to last very long. It’s guerrilla fighting. You are going to be ultimately vulnerable to terrorism and if that’s what you start doing in the military like the Greeks did … as people have said, ‘Louie, you have got to understand, you don’t even know your history.’ Oh yes I do. I know exactly. It’s not a good idea.”

I wonder if he wrote a thesis on the subject for Patriot University.

httpv://youtu.be/rWlmtcGxvyI

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • http://www.clanfield.net janiceintoronto

    I could use a good massage. Is there a battle around here I could join?

    Oh, and I’ll need a loofah.

  • kantalope

    reminds me of a local school board meeting one of the members was going on about how no one lives on the island of Lesbos anymore because they all died out from the gay.

    Where do you even start with something like that?

  • John Pieret

    it’s a different kind of war and if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle

    Go Tell the Spartans …

  • scienceavenger

    if you’re sitting around getting massages all day … then you’re not going to last very long

    Keep your fantasies to yourself Louie.

  • sugarfrosted

    The Spartans were know for their homoerotic nature and the managed to utterly defeat the Athenians. Nice try though.

  • Chiroptera

    Is anyone else reminded of an old SNL skit where they play Siskel and Ebert reviewing gay porn movies?

  • gshelley

    Is he just making this up, or has someone actually used the “well, the ancient Greeks allowed gays in their military” argument rather than the modern examples such as Australia, Canada, Israel or the United Kingdom

  • vmanis1

    gshelley: I think that the boundary between `making stuff up’ and `lying’ is very very weak in the person who Charlie Pierce at Esquire calls `the Padishah Emperor Of The Crazy People’.

  • vmanis1

    oops: s/who/whom/

    I hate being ungrammatical.

  • colnago80

    In ancient Rome, high ranking commanders in the Roman Legions took on teen age male concubines under their wing as protegees to prepare them for high command. For instance, Julius Caesar, as a teenager, was the protegee of Marius (although some historians have claimed it was Sulla). At least until the decline of Rome, the legions were pretty fair country fighting forces.

  • John Pieret

    gshelley

    As sugarfrosted says, the Spartans were notoriously homoerotic (though that might have been, along with the story of their killing by exposure of “defective” infants, inventions or exaggerations by their enemies, of which they had many) and also notoriously militaristic. So, some person, mistaking Gohmert for someone who can be reasoned with, might have mentioned them to him as an example of an efficient military that, nonetheless, had homosexuals in it. Of course, all Gohmert heard was: “Blah, blah, blah, homos, blah, blah, blah, Greeks, blah, blah, blah, army, blah, blah, blah …” Then he probably thought of gay bathhouses (they all love to think about gay bathhouses) and conjured up gays giving each other massages and thought, gee, that would be pretty hard to do wearing body armor, so it must be bad in our army today.

    For my next feat of wingnut forensic psychology, I’ll determine how Erik Rush came to the conclusion that “President Obama is not only acting like ‘a seasoned domestic abuser or crack interrogator,’ but also a member of the Gestapo working in concentration camps.” (See today’s RWW)

  • busterggi

    Okay, I read his statement. I give up, what is he saying?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Homo soldier massages? Thanks, Obama!

  • Silent Service

    HEY! I want my homo-soldier massage! How did I miss out on that? Twenty plus years working for the military and nobody told me I get homo-soldier massages!

  • magistramarla

    Not only the Spartans, but Alexander the Great and his army were reputed to be homo-erotic as well.

    This seemed to be a pretty successful army to me.

    It makes sense that if you are paired with the person that you love (no matter which sex) as a fighting buddy, you are going to fight fiercely to keep that person alive.

    My classes discussed this and came to the conclusion that the Greeks had a pretty good idea.

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com holytape

    I think Gohmert just declared war on the English language.

  • Kevin Kehres

    All I can do is quote my dear (now departed) friend Tony — “Fleet Week! Yum!”

  • http://drx.typepad.com Dr X

    if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle

    He has a point. Right now, all the heterosexual men and women in the military sit around giving and getting massages. Soon the gays will be massaging one another, and then no one will be left to fight the battles.

  • John Pieret

    busterggi:

    I give up, what is he saying?

    Translation from the wingnut:

    When gays are in the military they like to give each other massages (as noted before, probably a convoluted extrapolation from what he imagines happens in gay bathhouses).

    That was ok in ancient Greek armies because they only fought set battles and could sit around getting massages before the battle began at some specified time (not true, of course, which is why I hinted at the Battle of Thermopylae).

    Recent American wars have been guerrilla wars (tell that to the Iraqis caught in Operation Desert Storm, but I digress).

    In a guerrilla war, there are no set battles and you can be attacked at any time, so if you’re sitting around with your body armor and clothes off to get a massage, you’re dead. QEDumb.

    “Louie, you have got to understand, you don’t even know your history.” The one true statement in the whole thing.

  • colnago80

    Re magistramarla @ #15

    In fact, Alexander and his personal guard, known as the Companions, engaged in gay sex. The idea was to promote unit cohesion. See the book by Robin Lane on Alexander.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1360322113 aaronbaker

    And don’t forget the Theban Band.

  • Michael Heath

    holytape writes:

    I think Gohmert just declared war on the English language.

    That was Sarah Palin. Rep. Gohmert does demonstrate he’s a loyal ally of hers.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    LOL! “If you’re sitting around getting massages all day!”

    Asshole; they speared the fuck out of a metric fucktonne of persians at Granicus River, which is more than you even want to fucking contemplate, motherfucker.

  • helenaconstantine

    The toughest Greek military unit was the Theban Sacred Band. They eventually beat the Spartans. It was composed entirely of adult men and their 18 year old lovers. I don’t think the messages part is attested in any ancient author.

  • colnago80

    Re Marcus Ranum @ #23

    According to most accounts, the Persians outnumbered them by anywhere from 3 to 1 to 10 to 1. One time when god didn’t march with the big battalions.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    helenaconstantine “The toughest Greek military unit was the Theban Sacred Band.”

    Really? Even tougher than the Theban Marching Band?

  • dingojack

    Don’t forget The Speckled Band – THE SPECKLED BAND!!! [/Arthur Conan Doyle nerd]

    Dingo

  • John Pieret

    Modus:

    Are you sure you aren’t thinking of the Corinthian Leather Band? They were tough but LOOKED MAAARVELOUS!!!!

  • matty1

    @7 I think it is just another example of being out of date, my recollection is that before any nations officially allowed gays in the military a few people did make comments along the lines of “why not, it didn’t do the ancient Greeks any harm”. You are right that current examples would be more relevant but the fact he is responding to arguments from as late as the 20th Century is a kind of progress.

  • gshelley

    I suppose that could be it – that idea never occurred to me, though according to Wikipedia, the IDF removed their ban as far back as 1993, and if you are going to try and talk to someone like Gohmert about the subject, “Israel has done it for a couple of decades” would seem like the first choice, even before nations like Canada and the UK, which culturally are probably closest to the US.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Don’t forget The Speckled Band – THE SPECKLED BAND!!!

    Outclassed by the Black Velvet Band.

  • tbp1

    Honesty, the fact that this guy has been elected and reelected to Congress makes me despair for the whole human race. If we can send someone so obviously stupid and pridefully ignorant to the nation’s lawmaking body, maybe we actually deserve extinction.

  • arakasi

    Gohmert is apparently this generation’s reincarnation of Lord Percy Percy

    Lady Whiteadder: “Has anyone ever told you that you are a gibbering imbecile?”

    Lord Percy Percy: (nonchalantly) “Oh, yes”

    Now we just need to figure out who are the modern equivalents for Blackadder (Scalia?) and Baldrick (Palin?)

  • D. C. Sessions

    If we can send someone so obviously stupid and pridefully ignorant to the nation’s lawmaking body, maybe we actually deserve extinction.

    Look at the committees he’s on. The cause and effect may be closer than you think.

  • eric

    the fact that this guy has been elected and reelected to Congress makes me despair for the whole human race

    Oh, I dunno. I think folks like him opposing gay rights will speed up moderate support for it and make it pass the courts that much faster.

  • tbp1

    @#35: Your mouth to the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s ears!

  • eric

    the Spartans were notoriously homoerotic (though that might have been, along with the story of their killing by exposure of “defective” infants, inventions or exaggerations by their enemies, of which they had many) and also notoriously militaristic.

    Completely off-topic, but the reason for Spartan militarism *and* the Spartans having a lot of enemies is because they kept a shit-ton of slaves. In other parts of Greece, a family might have one slave. That slave would be a foreigner, not a Greek (because keeping Greeks as slaves was seen as somewhat offensive), and the overall ratio would be about 3:1 citizens to slaves. When Athens or Thebes went to war, they didn’t worry about slave rebellions at home while the soldiers were gone both because of how they treated them and how many they kept. In Sparta, they made slaves out of entire neighboring Greek cities/kingdoms. Nearly every Spartan male citizen was trained as a warrior because they had to be, because they were constantly quelling slave rebellions. They could never commit their entire army to any expeditionary war because a slave rebellion would instantly occur. And it was somewhat of a vicious circle: since they were trained as warriors, they didn’t know how to farm. So they had to get slaves to do their farming for them. Which means they needed to train more male Spartans as soldiers, to keep the slaves in line. Which means less male Spartan farmers…and so on.

    So, the Spartans are not exactly an example of a noble warrior culture. The US equivalent of Sparta would’ve been the most brutal antebellum plantation owner(s) in the country, the ones that put the most emphasis on the whip.

  • eric

    Incidentally, the problem of having enough citizen-soldiers to suppress the slave population got so bad in Sparta that they made a rule which, AFAIK, is pretty unique. They made it legal for a Spartan woman to sleep with citizens other than her husband, for the purposes of siring more ‘full blood’ Spartans. Now the Greeks were just as misogynistic as most cultures back then, so it says something about how desparate they were that they would allow this.

  • John Pieret

    eric:

    One of the main enemies of the Spartans I was thinking of, that might have “telling tales” about them, was the Helots, the Spartan slaves. They had every right, but down the corridors of history we can’t now be really sure how much we know of them is completely true.

  • dingojack

    eric – has Obama been giving you joyrides in his TMMCD* again?

    We know almost nothing (beyond speculation) about Lacedaemon culture. Few archaeological remains still exist.

    Dingo

    ——–

    * Time-Machine and Mind-Control Device™

  • Crimson Clupeidae

    if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you’re not going to last very long.

    I think Gohmert is admitting that he has a …ahem…hair trigger.

  • dingojack

    Louis — Does getting ‘long-stroked’ by your personal luggage-handler count?

    Dingo

  • colnago80

    Re Dingojack @ #40

    It’s George Soros’ time machine.