Wingnut Proposes Confederate States of Reagan

Douglas MacKinnon, former Reagan administration official turned columnist, has a new book out called “The Secessionist States of America: The Blueprint for Creating a Traditional Values County … Now.” And he wants to name it after Ronald Reagan. The Confederate States of Bonzo?

So what’s a God-fearing, gun-toting, gay-loathing supporter of traditional values to do? It’s time, MacKinnon argues, to start thinking about drastic measures. The author was on Mefferd’s program to promote his new book, “The Secessionist States of America: The Blueprint for Creating a Traditional Values County … Now.” You can guess what he proposes.

Now hold your horses there, MacKinnon says: He’s only talking about secession as part of an “academic” exercise. He just wants his dear readers to think about what a “Duck Dynasty”-watching, Cracker Barrel-patronizing, skeet-shooting republic with NO GAYS ALLOWED would look like.

MacKinnon reckons that we don’t need all of the former Confederate states to secede for this purely hypothetical, totally academic, completely theoretical project to work.

“We look at what states would be viable in terms of doing something like this. In fact, what states would provide sort of the new landmass for a new republic dedicated to traditional values. And the consensus was that the three best states in the union would be South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida,” MacKinnon told Mefferd, citing the states’ population, natural resources, infrastructure and proximity to the Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico.

No Texas? There’s reason enough for that, MacKinnon explains.

“[T]here have been a number of incursions into Texas and other places from some of the folks in Mexico,” he said.

Yeah, can’t have too many of them furriners around.

“If it moves beyond the academic, then it’s one of those things, too, where obviously now – in the age of instant communication – the world would also know about this country,” MacKinnon said. “The interim name for the country, by the way, is Reagan.”

First order of business: Start making lots of weapons that can be sold to Iran.

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  • Chiroptera

    And the consensus was that the three best states in the union would be South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida,” MacKinnon told Mefferd….

    Huh. I’m pretty sure that they could find three states with lower rankings on all the socio-economic indicators.

  • alanb

    I thought all they had to do to keep the furriners out of Texas was to build the damn wall. Once they did that they could hire Sheriff Joe to round up all the illegals that were already there and send em back.

  • bbgunn

    Perhaps we can build a fence around Bonzostan so when the effects of climate change begins to shrink the usable land inhabited by these traitors patriots Bonzostanians, they won’t try to cross the borders back illegally into the US.

  • John Pieret

    Would they settle for Alabama, Mississippi and any part of Louisiana not named “New Orleans”?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    “With imagination on our side, no one can stop us!”

     

    On the negatives side, it’ll suck for all of “The Other” (Hispanics, blacks, gays, women, atheists, Muslims, Mormons, Catholics, scientists, as well as teachers and dentists) that are there. Might even lead to some sort of War (perhaps even Civil).

    On the plus side, once they all die of Freedom (“Freedom” consisting mostly of gunshot wounds, heart disease and diabetes), there’ll be a bunch of space to grow whatever kale is. Whatever it turns out to be, hopefully it’ll look good in the background in all our gay wedding photos.

  • garnetstar

    I’ve always wondered, what do secessionists think they’re going to do for a military? Where will they get enough personnel, not to mention the money? You can’t buy attack helicopters at a Black Friday sale.

    I’m trying to imagine taxes on the popluations of Georgia, South Carolina, and Florida being enough to buy the hardware, but I am not succeeding.

  • cptdoom

    Well I’d love to see them try to raise the funds to repay the US for all infrastructure investments and military/government installations. Also would Disney be able to carve out a space to be part of America and maintain their business?

  • Mr Ed

    He just wants his dear readers to think about what a “Duck Dynasty”-watching, Cracker Barrel-patronizing, skeet-shooting republic with NO GAYS ALLOWED would look like.

    A theocratic North Korea.

  • raven

    They have already tried that in Kansas.

    The Brownback Liberterian paradise isn’t working so well. In fact, according to the headline news, it has been a disaster.

    PS: I do think he has the right idea though. Why don’t all the Oogedy Boogedy xians leave for one of the fundie xian paradises? IIRC, out of 220 countries, there must be at least one. Somewhere. Hmmm, well Uganda is probably the closest anyway.

  • blf

    Why don’t all the Oogedy Boogedy xians leave for one of the fundie xian paradises? … Uganda[?]

    Uganda is full of “them”, it’s too close to surrender monkey land (and Kenya, where he came from), and they can’t find it on a map (“let’s see, there’s Jerusalem at the centre, and pillars here, here, here, and ah, here, by this dragon, and Rome, but I don’t see no, ah, what was it, ‘Urfundiea’, something like that…”).

  • lpetrich

    I like where Douglas MacKinnon complained about leaders who “vilify fossil fuels”. Has using fossil fuels become the latest bit of right-wing Political Correctness? If his local electric utility goes renewable, will he go off the grid and get a diesel generator? Powered with petroleum diesel, of course.

  • scienceavenger

    So what’s a God-fearing, gun-toting, gay-loathing supporter of traditional values to do?

    Get an education.

  • Chiroptera

    Mr Ed, #8: A theocratic North Korea.

    That level of competence is probably beyond them. When I think of a US conservative led nation, I think of Mobuto Sese Seko’s Zaire.

  • bryanfeir

    Has using fossil fuels become the latest bit of right-wing Political Correctness?

    Yes. See Diesel truck enthusiasts ‘roll coal’ and other such references. People have been deliberately de-tuning engines to belch smoke for a while now, including deliberately blasting smoke at hybrid cars, mostly as a ‘you ain’t the boss of me!’ middle finger to the EPA.

  • dugglebogey

    Sometimes, don’t you wish that they would do it?

    So just once when some right-wing nut job spouts off about his gun-love or bible thumping or other white-entitlement bullshit you could say “Why don’t you go get in your fucking hole in SouthCarolGeorgida and stay there?”

  • jnorris

    A few years back the Dominionists were all supposed to move to South Carolina and make it a theocratic paradise.

    I do wish the secessionists would publish white papers on the process of turning a state into an independent nation. There are so many details that need explaining.

  • busterggi

    Reaganistan is perfect as a name for a nation made up of constantly civil-warring ignorant superstitious little tribes who like living in a sixteenth century wasteland. Which means it has to include Texas.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    jnorris “A few years back the Dominionists were all supposed to move to South Carolina and make it a theocratic paradise. I do wish the secessionists would publish white papers on the process of turning a state into an independent nation. There are so many details that need explaining.”

    It’s not that complicated. First, fire at Fort Sumter…

  • Kevin Kehres

    @14…ironically, putting less CO2 into the atmosphere than they would if their engines were properly tuned…

    @5…you forgot “starvation”.

  • tsig

    Blueprint for rebellion:

    1. Secede

    2. Fire on Federal property

    3. Get ass kicked

  • http://dailydouq.wordpress.com dailydouq

    These idiots need to tour a bit more of Reaganistan before picking their states to include. There are all sorts of people in Florida they’re not going to like (ever toured Miami at night or a few clubs). I met white people in Atlanta that actually like BBQ enough to be found in a restaurant with people of color; of course these people were born since the time of last confederacy. Parts of the south are not anywhere near as backward as they wish, so they will have quite a fight on their hands. They should read about the breakup of former Yugoslavia and of course the Ukraine is beautiful right now too. If Texas secedes they might have to give it back to its original owners, wouldn’t that be a gas.

  • magistramarla

    In some of my daydreams, I think that Texas, along with some of the worst of the southern states, should secede.

    I was thinking Louisiana and Mississippi to round it out, but it is true that New Orleans would be a loss that is hard to take.

    At least then, the AF would be quick about getting us the hell out of Texas and we could move to a saner state.

    In the meantime, Hubby keeps working on his dissertation and we keep plotting our escape – sigh.

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    Has anyone explained to MacKinnon that his former boss was about as Southern as Abraham Lincoln?

  • scienceavenger

    And who would be the officials in Reaganistan?

    President Gohmert

    VP Bachmann

    Secretary of State Palin

    Chief Justice Cruz

    Secretary of the Interior Inhofe

    Surgeon General Carson

    I have to stop, can’t take any more giggling at my desk.

  • sugarfrosted

    @8 So basically North Korea.

  • shadowwalkyr

    “You can’t buy attack helicopters at a Black Friday sale.”

    You can in Reagan! You can buy anything you want (except books not the Bible, affordable medical care, an education, and — in all probability — food).

  • eric

    I propose a different name: “The B Ark of America”.

    it’ll suck for all of “The Other” (Hispanics, blacks, gays, women, atheists, Muslims, Mormons, Catholics, scientists, as well as teachers and dentists

    Not an issue for very long: once the police get the order to round them up and push them across the border into the USA, no problem!

    But the snowbirds might cause the Reagan leaders a mental dilemma. You’re white, well off, and you spend your retirement money freely. OTOH, you’re more Jewish then average, you vote liberal, and you demand nationalized health care. What’s a government to do?

  • D. C. Sessions

    Florida has natural resources? Or is that where they’re going to mine the fossil fuels that they’re going to run their industry on? I’m assuming that they’re going to deny having any share in the US national debt, but if so the remaining USA will probably garnish the Social Security payments of the recipients in the New Confederacy. Which could be fun to watch.

    The balance of Federal funds to those three States is currently:

    * South Carolina: receives $89 billion more than it sends to Washington. That’s 48% of the State’s economy.

    * Georgia: sends $23 billion more than it gets to Washington. That’s 5% of the State’s economy.

    * Florida: receives $143 billion more than it sends to Washington. That’s 18% of the State’s economy.

    Net: the three States in question receive a net subsity of $209 billion a year, or about 14.5% of their combined GSP. Considering what happened to Spain, which had a net budget surplus until their foreign funds flow from Germany stopped, the consequences of having a net inflow of 18% of GSP stop will be … impressive. I doubt that they could cover it by stopping payments on their share of the US debt.

    There are times when I dream of their wish being granted: “As you wish, so be it.”

  • freehand

    Modusoperandi says: Might even lead to some sort of War (perhaps even Civil).

    .

    Nope. with the former GOP on one side, it will be anything but civil.

  • http://timgueguen.blogspot.com timgueguen

    eric@27, there’s also the snowbirds in Florida from Canada, a lot of whom are, horror of horrors, French speakers from Quebec! Imagine the freakout when they try to talk to such white people, and non-American comes out!

    There’s also the whole Cuban-American problem. After all a lot of right wingers think of them as the “good” Hispanics, because of their traditional emphasis on Castro hating. On the other hand they’re still not WASPs, or some variant thereof, and still are largely Catholic.

    And calling it Reagan? Seems to me that these days Reagan is one of those names increasingly used as a first name for girls. You can’t have a virile, manly, Christian place with a girl name. So shouldn’t it be called Clint, or Arnold, or some heroic, macho name like that?

  • Michael Heath

    John Pieret writes:

    Would they settle for Alabama, Mississippi and any part of Louisiana not named “New Orleans”?

    Excuse me, but I’m trying to broker a deal where the state of Israel abandons its current territory and relocates to that region.

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com shripathikamath

    I think he is on to a great idea. I too would like to see Tejas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi form the Confederate States of Reagan.

  • colnago80

    Re Michael Heath @ #31

    Most such relocations have the Israelis relocating to Oregon.

  • Alverant

    How about a trial separation first. We shut down all the military bases and government offices in Texas and take our property out and let Texas go it alone for 10 years so they can get a really good taste of what it’s like. A few hurricanes and other natural disasters plus the reduced income from not having all the bases there will teach them just how much they need to be part of the USA. And the rest of us would also benefit since the Texas bored of Educamajation won’t be able to influence science and history textbooks for the country.

  • mistertwo

    Would you people please quit wishing Texas away? I’m stuck here! Of course, my company’s North American headquarters are here, so if Texas were to secede, perhaps they would move to California and I could follow. San Diego is much, much nicer than Houston.

    I don’t quite understand why they chose Florida. It’s a swing state, isn’t it? Quite unlikely they’d vote to secede. And as someone pointed out, South Carolina is one of the poorer states. and according to the U.S. Energy Information Administration data I’m looking at, they produce zero oil or natural gas, and have no major coal mines. (That last bit surprises me… I would have thought there was coal there.) What natural resources is he talking about?

  • dingojack

    Now hold your horses there, MacKinnon says: He’s only talking about secession as part of an “academic” exercise. He just wants his dear readers to think about what a “Duck Dynasty”-watching, Cracker Barrel-patronizing, skeet-shooting republic with NO GAYS ALLOWED would look like.

    No he’s right. Let’s imagine what this would look like?

    a) Poor. (Probably mostly subsistence farming).

    b) Undereducated

    c) High unemployment (particularly for youth)

    d) High youth pregnancy rate

    e) High illegal drug use

    f) High crime rate (and record incarceration rate)

    g) Crumbling infrastructure

    h) High rate of corruption and graft.

    A libertarian failed state — right on your doorstep*!

    Yay!

    Dingo

    ———

    * Think Kansas writ large.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    mistertwo “And as someone pointed out, South Carolina is one of the poorer states. and according to the U.S. Energy Information Administration data I’m looking at, they produce zero oil or natural gas, and have no major coal mines. (That last bit surprises me… I would have thought there was coal there.) What natural resources is he talking about?”

    South Carolina’s two main natural resources are Freedom and Liberty.

  • dingojack

    I’m sure the UK government would consider a 99 year lease on one of the Tristan da Cunha islands (as long as the Wingnuts handed it back in the same state as they got it).

    It wouldn’t have to be too big (only a few will have the courage to follow their blowholes), and the Tristan da Cunhas have the advantage of being a long, long way from anywhere.

    Dingo

  • John Pieret

    Michael Heath @ 31:

    I’m trying to broker a deal where the state of Israel abandons its current territory and relocates to that region.

    Yeah, but will the Alabamans give up east Montgomery?

  • conway

    Georgia? Seriously? Visiting Atlanta was the first time I ever encountered a large, thriving Gay community.

    If the South wants to rise again, they’ll find themselves with islands of resistance like Atlanta, Austin, Memphis and New Orleans. We ain’t all crazy down here, y’all.

  • matty1

    Dingojack

    I’m sure the UK government would consider a 99 year lease on one of the Tristan da Cunha islands

    According to wikipedia the islands already use the motto “Our faith is our strength” so they wouldn’t even have to change that

  • D. C. Sessions

    And as someone pointed out, South Carolina is one of the poorer states.

    Actually, from a balance of payments perspective it’s right at the bottom of the list. The next biggest taker is North Dakota, at 38% of GSP (compared to South Carolina at 48.7%) After that, it’s a big jump to Florida, Alabama, and Kentucky at 17.9%

    Remember, these are the States that want to cut Federal spending.

  • Donnie

    Modusoperandi says: Might even lead to some sort of War (perhaps even Civil).

    .

    freehand says: Nope. with the former GOP on one side, it will be anything but civil.

    “What’s so Civil about war?”*

    A GnR (Guns and Roses) song for those out of the old school hard rock.

  • Donnie

    Damm you, blockquotes!!!!!!!!

    “What’s so Civil about war?”*

    A GnR (Guns and Roses) song for those out of the old school hard rock.