Republican Who Has Sex With Cars Warns Against Gay Agenda

Remember the Republican candidate here in Michigan who went to prison for breaking into other people’s cars to masturbate in them while cranking the engine? You’d think that guy would stay away from any subject involving sex, but instead he’s telling people to leave Michigan to avoid to avoid the evil gay agenda. My friend Todd Heywood reports:

Jordan Haskins wants to be the Republican house member representing Michigan’s 95th House District. And he wants everyone to know he is a staunch, Bible believing Christian who has “fought” the homosexual agenda in Saginaw.

In the event, however, the state legislature votes to approve a measure to amend the Elliot-Larsen Civil Rights Act to include sexual orientation and gender identity, Haskins has an answer.

“If the state wants to trample religious freedom, we go somewhere else where our values are welcome,” the candidate wrote on his Facebook page Oct. 8. “Michigan loses tax money, economic performance, jobs, etc. if they choose to be entrenched with the homosexual agenda, it’s time for conservative christians (sic) to vote with their feet and their dollars.”

Having consensual sex with someone of the same gender? Clearly terrible. Having sex with someone else’s car without their permission? Totally okay.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • matty1

    I know satire died in 1973 but is there any reason for them to keep digging up the corpse like this?

  • Larry

    it’s time for conservative christians (sic) to vote with their feet

    I double dares ya!

  • illdoittomorrow

    “…it’s time for conservative christians (sic) to vote with their feet and their dollars.”

    If only they’d stick the flounce.

  • tuibguy

    If only they’d stick the flounce.

    Right. All those people who said they were moving to Canada if Obama got elected (to avoid socialism, of course) really are too lazy to actually do something like that. The assholes are still here.

    Nobody cares what this guy did with cars, because they call cars “she” So, he’s still straight and it doesn’t matter. He prayed, God forgave him, it’s over and done.

    I would also make the kind suggestion that if a candidate fucked up and forgot to take an English Comp class in college, or took one and flunked it, then he or she should have someone that is literate write the copy for their websites.

  • illdoittomorrow

    Tuibguy at 4,

    “Nobody cares what this guy did with cars, because they call cars “she” So, he’s still straight and it doesn’t matter. He prayed, God forgave him, it’s over and done.”

    Well, I guess he never got caught with any, say, big-block muscle cars… I mean, this is Michigan we’re talking about…

  • tuibguy

    There was this one time, in his uncle’s garage when a souped-up 69 Impala with a 327 flashed its lights and he, he, didn’t know what to do! He was pinned up against the workbench! It wasn’t his fault!

  • tubi

    Where are they going to move to? Saudi Arabia? ISIS?

  • Mobius

    But they’re not gay cars!!!

  • Reginald Selkirk

    It’s OK, he only masturbates in female cars.

  • dingojack

    Well OK there was that time with a Fiat Bambino. But he was young, drunk and going through a experimental phase…

    Dingo

  • eric

    it’s time for conservative christians (sic) to vote with their feet and their dollars

    Voting’s not all Jordan Haskins would like to you to do with your feet and your dollars, as long as he can watch.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    THANK GOD SOMEONES WILLING TO STAND UP FOR TRADITIONAL VALUES!!

    NOW IF YOULL EXCUSE ME THERES A NICE RECENT MODEL PASSAT WAGON IVE HAD MY EYE ON!!!

  • raven

    Anyone know what the Sex With Cars Agenda is?

  • D. C. Sessions

    Someday he may discover what he can do with manifold vacuum.

  • dougtaron

    Fortunately nobody was hurt by what he did. It was strictly an autoerotic experience.

  • marcozandrini

    I loves me them French cars. They are always so sexy.

  • dingojack

    If he wants a bit of ‘rough’ does wank in a 2CV then smoke a couple of Gauloises (with the windows wound up, naturally)?

    Dingo

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    How does he know the car wasn’t a drag coupe?

  • John Pieret

    Having sex with someone else’s car without their permission? Totally okay.

    Technically, he didn’t have sex with the car, he had sex with his hand. Which means … OMG!!!!!! … he had sex with a MAN!!!!!!!

    GAYHOMO ALERT!!!! … GAYHOMO ALERT!!!!

    Every right-thinking Christian should move out of any state Jordan Haskins lives in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • caseloweraz

    Raven: Anyone know what the Sex With Cars Agenda is?

    Isn’t the term autos de fey?

  • dingojack

    caseloweraz – Would that be a wanking in a Lambo*?

    Dingo

    ———

    * cars that are crazy and doomed to die? (perhaps you meant auto-da-fé)

  • caseloweraz

    That’s what I was alluding to. (Punningly clever, wasn’t it?)

  • illdoittomorrow

    D.C. Sessions at 14:

    “Someday he may discover what he can do with manifold vacuum.”

    With a tunnel-ram manifold, no doubt.

  • lordshipmayhem

    Jordan, Blinky would like to have a word with you.

    Gotta warn you, though, Blinky looks kind of pissed off right now.

  • coffeehound

    “If the state wants to trample religious freedom, we go somewhere else where our values are welcome- let’s go! NOW!! I’ll drive with you. huh-huh-huh-huh!”

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com WMDKitty — Survivor

    caseloweraz and dingojack

    Auto da fe? What’s an auto da fe?

    It’s what you oughtn’t to do but you do anyway.

  • dingojack

    It’s what you do in a car — but have to pay money for.

    :) Dingo