Wingnut: Abortion Has Ruined Halloween

Daniel Flynn is the sports editor for Breitbart.com, so when you see this column at the American Spectator, you don’t really expect something coherent and intelligent. But holy shit, it’s a whirlwind of stupid. He kind of does the opposite of a “damn kids these days” rant, going off on adults who have ruined Halloween by celebrating it — and by having abortions.

Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers kill kids rushing to become adults. Is it too much to ask of the ghoulish trio to apply their talents toward adults rushing to become kids?

The grownups who have decimated the ranks of trick-or-treaters by aborting 10 million of them in the last decade offer penance for their sins against Halloween by dressing up in place of the missing children. The National Retail Federation estimates that adults will spend $1.4 billion on their own Halloween costumes this year. That’s $1.4 billion that they could have spent on man-cave clubhouses, a huge birthday party, a collection of Care Bears, or some other pastime recently favored by adults…

The decimation of the ranks of children leaves us with fewer kids and more adult imitators. The lucky ones protected in the womb grow up overprotected outside of it. An adult-surveilled childhood responsible for structured playdates, chauffeured trips to school, and digital babysitters shielding youngsters from the fresh air may also be responsible for the delayed childhoods of adults earlier denied them. It’s also hard to not conclude that a society mired in gadgets and amusements quite naturally favors frivolity. And marriage, an institution known to quickly mature its partners, elicits more “I don’ts” than ever.

*boggle*

One way thirtysomething Halloween enthusiasts recoup the money spent on costumes involves not dispensing candy. One can’t help but notice the same couples, dressed in the late night as a sexy Ebola nurse and her doting patient, hiding in their kitchens with the lights out earlier in the evening when the doorbells ring.

A more mature culture looked the other way, in tacit approval, as sophisticated bands of kids egged the homes of killjoys. The authorities now dub such clearly adaptive responses to the Halloween Grinches as maladaptive, harshly regulating the behavior of the unbadged behavioral regulators. Candy Scrooges, and even generous distributors of candy corns, Bit-O-Honeys, black licorice, Necco Wafers, and other alleged edibles last found delicious in 1924—not to mention misguided dispensers of apples and other healthy “treats”—also escape the wrath of righteous vandals.

As society became stricter toward the misbehavior of juveniles it grew more tolerant of the delinquency of grownups.

I know, right? I mean, this society even tolerates adults writing insipid shit like this.

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  • John Pieret

    It’s also hard to not conclude that a society mired in gadgets and amusements quite naturally favors frivolity.

    It takes a special brand of chutzpah for a sports editor (much less a sports editor for Breitbart.com!) to label people who seek amusements as frivolous!

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    One can’t help but notice the same couples, dressed in the late night as a sexy Ebola nurse and her doting patient, hiding in their kitchens with the lights out earlier in the evening when the doorbells ring.

    What is this guy, a peeping tom?

  • caseloweraz

    Flynn: Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers kill kids rushing to become adults. Is it too much to ask of the ghoulish trio to apply their talents toward adults rushing to become kids?

    Hmmm… That’s a poser. Maybe you could ask Murphy Brown.

    One can’t help but notice the same couples, dressed in the late night as a sexy Ebola nurse and her doting patient, hiding in their kitchens with the lights out earlier in the evening when the doorbells ring.

    One can’t help but fail to notice — unless one sneaks up to the windows and shines a flashlight on the sequestered couples.

    and even generous distributors of candy corns, Bit-O-Honeys, black licorice, Necco Wafers, and other alleged edibles last found delicious in 1924—not to mention misguided dispensers of apples and other healthy “treats”…

    Nothing wrong with any of those candies — as candies. The case can be made that candy is junk food, and adults would be better advised to hand out apples, carrots, oranges, etc. But Flynn doesn’t approve of those treats either. His writing isn’t even up to Breitbart standards. And that’s saying something.

  • dhall

    “One can’t help but notice the same couples, dressed in the late night as a sexy Ebola nurse and her doting patient, hiding in their kitchens with the lights out earlier in the evening when the doorbells ring.”

    Maybe he noticed because that’s what he did.

    And you’re right, #1 – John Pieret; a guy who makes a living writing about games–meaningless in the big picture regardless of how expensive, organized, promoted or time-consuming–whining about people who appreciate . . . games.

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    The War On Halloween is getting a bit out of hand. Wingnuts can’t decide if the holiday is evil and is ruining kids, or if it’s sacred and is being ruined by adults. But at least they’re unified in opposition to other people having fun.

  • busterggi

    The absolute worst of course are the adults who hide razor blades in aborted fetuses and give them to trick or treaters.

    And odds are that now that I’ve written that the Christains will spend the next year circulating it into a “true” story.

  • Evan Brehm

    How do these people manage to write such mind-numbingly idiotic and incoherent screeds with a straight face?

  • cottonnero

    #7. Evan Brehm:

    Botox?

  • illdoittomorrow

    dhall at 4:

    “a guy who makes a living writing about games–meaningless in the big picture regardless of how expensive, organized, promoted or time-consuming–whining about people who appreciate . . . games.”

    Yabbut Flynn isn’t writing about those sissy games everybody else plays. He writes about man-games, played by the manliest of men, hurling their man-bodies at each other in pursuit of the man-ball. When you do that, see, some of the manliness rubs off on you. It’s totally different.

  • Jared James

    The “Other People Do A Thing I Do Not Like Has Ruined [An Activity I Used to Like] For Me” column is a long and cherished tradition among the Butthurt-American demographic. Mr Flynn has produced an outstanding example of the genre.

  • http://www.rodlamkey.net reverendrodney

    Poor Daniel Flynn. He must be pitied; his real-world view is evidently from a basement window when he stands on tiptoes peeking over the sill. How else could he contrive such total drivel?

  • Kevin Kehres

    Since the statistics show live births in the US at almost record highs (including the Baby Boom), I’m thinking this guy is just a lying wanker.

    He could be an ignorant wanker, though. One of those, for sure.

  • Artor

    “One can’t help but notice the same couples, dressed in the late night as a sexy Ebola nurse and her doting patient, hiding in their kitchens with the lights out earlier in the evening when the doorbells ring.”

    Really? I didn’t notice that. Maybe because I was too busy Trick-or-Treating with my girlfriend & her kid, and going to a kid-friendly party. After 10pm, when all the kids went down with diabetic comas, the party got going full-bore, and nobody missed anything. Except apparently Daniel Flynn.

  • dhall

    #9 – You’re absolutely right. I failed to see the distinction . . .

    Thanks–love it!

  • Artor

    Oops, I posted too soon. The sexy sparkle unicorn and the Aztec prince made a good try at conceiving at the party. I don’t know if they’ll take the opportunity to have an abortion or not. Maybe they’re waiting to have a fun activity over the X-mas season.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=730511544 billdaniels

    Note to Daniel Finn: when you were watching me in my sexy Ebola nurse costume with my patient on my kitchen floor, what we were doing was definitely not cowering, unless that’s what you do when (if) you are doing the nasty.

  • reddiaperbaby1942

    “Decimated”? Is that like what the Romans did?

    The Greeks, on the other hand, left unwanted babies exposed on a mountainside. And we all know what THAT led to: the babies survived and ended up killing their own fathers and marrying their mothers, which in turn caused a plague to fall upon their city.

    Actually, this sounds a bit like the rightwing idea: once they’re born we don’t give a damn about them, leading to poverty, unhappy families and ultimately to a great deal of unnecessary domestic violence.

    I think I prefer a nice clean medical abortion any time.

  • John Pieret

    Kevin Kehres @ 12:

    Since the statistics show live births in the US at almost record highs (including the Baby Boom), I’m thinking this guy is just a lying wanker.

    But … but … without all those abortions and contraception that causes abortions and those uppity women who won’t get their biscuits in the oven and their buns in bed, we’d be hip deep in sugar-crazed kids that the women could take care of while the manly men were down at the bar getting drunk while watching football games. You know … the good ol’ days!

  • Hoosier X

    Did you hear about the Musloliberals that are hiding razor blades inside fetuses and handing them out to trick-or-treaters?

    I suppose you Musloliberals think it’s OK to desecrate your own sacrament like that!

  • fleetfootphilo

    The rates of imprisonment would beg to differ.

    As society became stricter toward the misbehavior of juveniles it grew more tolerant of the delinquency of grownups.

  • dingojack

    Ah yes the ‘decimation’ of the children.

    US fertility rates.

    In 1983 there were 1.8 live births per women, peaking up to 2.1 in 1991, dropping back to 2.0 then rising to 2.1 and plateauing from 2000 to 2008, before dropping back to 1.9 in 2010 and staying there*.

    Pffft, who needs facts when soundbites sound so much more scary and truthy.

    Dingo

    ———

    * World Bank

  • http://festeringscabofrealityblogspot.com fifthdentist

    Doctor! My brain hurts!

  • shadow

    candy corns, Bit-O-Honeys, black licorice, Necco Wafers

    But, I like those. Pity to give them away — give out the snickers – or milky way (for the nut intolerant.)