Glenn Beck is Making Movies

Glenn Beck is going to release his first movie next December and it’s about — I swear, I’m not making this up — Santa Claus turning into a warrior in order to protect the baby Jesus. While riding camels in the snow. Or something.

The American Dream Labs are changing the face of faith-based films. Alongside Ben McPherson, head of the American Dream Labs, Glenn unveiled two projects they are working on: ‘The Immortal’ and ‘The Revolutionary’. While there were few details revealed about the latter, Glenn did go into detail about ‘The Immortal’. It’s a gritty action-adventure film that marries a rugged version of Santa Claus with the eternal story of Jesus Christ. It is unlike any movie faith film ever conceived, combining the greatest story Glenn has ever conceived with mind-blowing production value.

Beck describes the movie:

How can we reshape? My Santa, the Immortal is a very different guy. He starts out right before the birth of Christ, and he is up in the mountains. And he is a warrior. He has lost his wife, and he’s a sad individual. And he’s got a son who loves dearly, and he lives up in the mountains, and he hunts for food.

But what’s interesting about him is he’s also good with his hands, and the way he hunts is completely different. He actually goes up in the mountains, and he makes these giant puppets that he actually gets inside. And he is trying to kill these wild boars by being inside one of these puppets, if you will, of a boar. And he roots around as the boars come in. That way he’s close enough to kill them…

That’s how our story begins. That’s Santa? Yes, because what does a man do when he’s in that position where he has no hope, no resurrection, nothing? What does he do? He goes on an amazing journey as a hunter, as a gatherer. He eventually is hired by three wise men because he can negotiate, because nobody is going to rip them off, and he knows how to get the very best gifts. And so he negotiates with gold, frankincense, and myrrh and then has to go protect that gold, frankincense, and myrrh and then through a series of events is left there to protect the Christ child, never interacting, just watching.

He doesn’t know who he is, and he goes darker and darker in his whole life as he watches this boy grow, but he’s always touched by him, but he doesn’t realize it until the Sermon on the Mount. As this now 75-year-old man who has spent 30 years just following this little boy, as he’s listening to the Sermon on the Mount, he finally breaks. He knows who he is, and he falls to his knees, and he says Lord, let me serve him. Let me protect him. Let me point the way towards him until his mission is finished.

Here’s the trailer. It will almost certainly leave your jaw agape.

httpv://youtu.be/bOhGs1ReVGA

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  • Pierce R. Butler

    Why do we bother with our War on Xmas when the Christians do it all for us?

  • https://www.facebook.com/norm.thorsen Norm Thorsen

    Did anyone else think about this movie?

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1611224/?ref_=nv_sr_1

  • matty1

    The greatest story Glenn has ever conceived? Given the number of stories he’s made up over the years that is quite an ask. Is it better than the one about Obama being a radical socialist or himself being a prophet?

  • tsig

    ” And he is trying to kill these wild boars by being inside one of these puppets, if you will, of a boar. And he roots around as the boars come in. That way he’s close enough to kill them…”

    Too late does he realize that his puppet is a female pig.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    From the link above: Glenn plans to release the book in December of 2015, followed by the film in 2016.

    So we’ll have to wait until the beginning of Xmas season 2016 to behold this in all its cinematic glory.

    I don’t think I can stand the suspense for a full 19 months!

  • lordshipmayhem

    I feel confident this will make Santa Claus Conquers the Martians look like an Oscar contender in comparison.

  • Chiroptera

    Santa Claus turning into a warrior in order to protect the baby Jesus. While riding camels in the snow.

    Actually, in the hands of a competent writer, directorm, and producer, that would be kind of awesome. Probably not Beck, though.

  • dmcclean

    I just hope there is a scene where Santa bellows “There can be only one!” while brandishing a candy cane.

  • raven

    I read that summary. Someone owes me for reading that. I’ll never get those 20 seconds back and may be traumatized for life.

    There are so many plot holes and continuity errors, it is hard to know where to start.

    1. Santa is a middle eastern Jew? Who knew that and when.

    2. Why doesn’t he know who the baby jesus is. The three wise men did and a lot of other people. Couldn’t he just ask someone why he is standing around looking at a bunch of animals and a baby?

    3. Santa spends 30 years following jesus but doesn’t know who he is or why he is following him? Didn’t he ask someone once in 30 years why he isn’t back up in the mountains being a boar puppet. At least that pays off in bacon and ham. Speaking of which, why is an immortal Jewish Santa eating pigs?

    4. And how well did that unpaid protector gig work anyway. Didn’t jesus get arrested, beat up, and nailed to a cross?

    5. Where did Jewish ham eating Santa go from the time he failed his second job, bodyguard to god, to the time the modern Santa was invented. IIRC, the modern Santa is a recent invention, having achieved current form in the 1930’s. His resume has got millennia long gaps in it.

    6. Where is Joseph Smith and the Nephites and Lamanites? Beck really acts much of the time like he never even heard of the Mormons, despite being a convert.

    7. For that matter, where are the Space Reptiles, Climatologists, Orcs, and Romulans? If you are going to just make things up, there are no limits except maybe violating a Disney Corporation copyright. Nobody steals The Mouse!!!

    At least his movie is consistent with xianity and Mormonism. AFAWK, it is all Make Believe and Let’s Pretend. Making up more stuff doesn’t change the religion’s inherent truthfulness by one iota.

  • caseloweraz

    My thoughts before I saw the trailer:

    Fresh from his triumph on the planet Mars

    * by way of extensive training at the Shao Lin Monastery…

    ** followed by victory in an Octagon match with Chuck Norris…

    *** witness the return of SANTA CLAWS, bringing his awesome fighting skills and his hearty ho-ho-ho to the ultimate battle in defense of—

    (who is he supposed to be defending, again? Oh, right; the Son of the Lord Most High, offspring of the Great Jehovah, apple of the eye of the Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe, praise his “mighty” name.)

    After: The guy does get around, doesn’t he? From the frozen mountains of the north to the burning sands of the Levant, without a change in clothing style. If he’s immortal, why does his age matter? Is that a flute he’s using as a weapon?

  • Kevin Kehres

    What the…what?

    I mean…huh? Um…really? …gurgle…

    No amount of caffeine or alcohol is going to allow me to wrap my head around that.

    Beck’s creating a new religion. Let’s call it Santainanity.

  • raven

    Strangely enough, this movie does have some positive features.

    1. It is imaginative. Too imaginative. It reads like a first draft by a group of college kids fuled by various mind altering substances. It really needs an editor to make it coherent and internally consistent.

    2. It would be a good movie for young kids who aren’t overly concerned with movies making sense. Except it doesn’t have a positive uplifting ending. The whole purpose of Boar Puppet Santa is guarding god aka jesus.

    Plot spoiler, Jesus-god gets arrested on flimsy charges, beat up, and torture killed by being nailed to two sticks.

    3. As a former xian, I would have had another objection to it. It’s clearly fiction and is clearly taken enormous liberties with the original source material, works of fiction known as the bible.

    This teaches little kids that the xian religion and the bible are very flexible and you can change whatever you want and add or substract whatever you want. (Which is correct.)

    But that isn’t what an eternally true book written by god is. That is what mythology is.

    The bible is equivalent to The Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. But not nearly as well written.

  • John Pieret

    tsig @4:

    That’s worthy of an internet … as soon as Modus can get around to shining one up …

    Note how Glennie is trying to associate himself with others … “American Dream Labs” (Dreamworks?) and “Mercury Radio Arts” (as if he was worthy of carrying Orson Wells’ jock strap).

    He should have called his company “Adrenal Fatigue Productions.”

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    That could be great. It won’t be, but it could be. Sort of like when you first found out they were making a big budget, live action Transformer movie, and then you found out who was directing it.

  • jeffreykramer

    Let’s cut to the chase, Glenn, we know the movie you really want to make: the full-length, no-joking version of Djesus Uncrossed.

  • howardhershey

    “Let’s call it Santainanity.”

    or “Djesus Uncrossed”

    How about “Insantaty”

  • caseloweraz

    Lordshipmayhem: I feel confident this will make Santa Claus Conquers the Martians look like an Oscar contender in comparison.

    I read through five “worst film” lists by IMDB followers. Even “Plan Nine from Outer Space” and “Robot Monster” get higher ratings than “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” But I don’t doubt your assessment.

    There sure are some awesomely bad movies out there. “Vampire Dentist”; “Piranhaconda”; and loads of movies with sharks, snakes, spiders and zombies as the featured creatures.

  • some bastard on the internet

    He goes on an amazing journey as a hunter, as a gatherer. He eventually is hired by three wise men because he can negotiate…

    A skill honed, of course, by repeating jumping out of giant pig-puppets until those wild boars finally revealed their Wall Street secrets! It’s brilliant, I tells ya, brilliant!

  • parasiteboy

    by being inside one of these puppets, if you will, of a boar.

    There’s already a good movie where “santa” is a boar, it’s Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather. What better way to celebrate the season than having DEATH going around leaving presents for good little girls and boys.

    We watch it in the glow of our Cthulhu tree on Squidmas Eve.

  • petemoulton

    Raven @ #12: “…I would have had another objection to it. It’s clearly fiction and is clearly taken enormous liberties with the original source material, works of fiction known as the bible.”

    But taking liberties with that collection of Bronze Age campfire tales is what xians do. Why else would there be more than 40,000 sects of ‘xianity?’

  • Artor

    I will take a moment to plug a much better story; Christopher Moore’s Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Friend. In it, Yeshua & Biff journey to find the three Magi, who are an Arab sorcerer, a Hindu sadhu, and a Shao-lin monk, who teaches Yeshua the gentle martial art, Jew-do. It’s actually really good. Check it out, and you won’t be disappointed.

  • http://timgueguen.blogspot.com timgueguen

    The boar hunting with puppets thing sounds like it comes from some anime or manga. Hmm, does that mean if I sneak into Beck’s house I’ll find he’s reading One Piece and watching Gundam Wing?

    Oh, I just remembered. There was an anime revolving around the Old Testament, Superbook! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superbook

  • illdoittomorrow

    A gritty, rugged verison of Santa Claus?

    All I want for Christmas is an AR-15…

  • vargostatten

    I think it would make a good double feature with this movie:

    [video=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pH9IyqTk1E]

  • vargostatten
  • Sastra

    I think this movie would certainly be worth watching, if only for the climactic scene where Nicholas leans over the dying Christ and whispers “Jesus …. I am your real father.”

    “Ho ho ho.”

  • ehmm

    Holy crap! What god did I please?

    The conservative christian community tends to get really uptight about taking artistic license with “the script” (Noah, The Last Temptation of Christ). I wonder how they’ll receive this, given that a) Santa is not in the Bible & b) the character is based on an actual person that lived some time later.

    This could be fun.

  • cgm3

    I doubt it will measure up to The Day the Reindeer Died.

  • grumpyoldfart

    Lots of rolling thunder and drum machine noises in the background, so at least we know it was made in America.

  • dingojack

    Perhaps Mr Bek should try producing porn, in that case the plots would be, in antithesis, vaguely believable.

    Dingo

  • dugglebogey

    You can see Glenn Beck’s mind working:

    “Kirk Cameron made 42 million bucks by making a piece of shit movie that did nothing but appeal to christian morons? Well I got to get in on that scam!”

  • hunter

    “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. de Mille.”

  • magistramarla

    Uh oh, I think that old Becky-boy has been reading some Greek mythology. That whole boar hunting thing reminds me of the myth about the wife of king Minos, who fell in love with a handsome bull and used a cow costume to get close to him, resulting in the birth of the minotaur.

    Rick Riordan has had a lot of success writing stories that bring Greek, Roman and Egyptian mythology to life for young readers. Perhaps Beck wants some of that action.

  • raven

    He knows who he is, and he falls to his knees, and he says Lord, let me serve him.

    Jesus doesn’t make any secret of who he is. God and the Son of god. Is this guy deaf or just a slow learner? Serve him? Well, not like he has any choice. According to xian mythology we are just mold growing in the back of god’s refrigerator. But really, if god is all powerful, why does he need anyone to serve him? He just poofed a whole universe into being in 6 days after all.

    Let me protect him.

    Huh??? What!!!

    Protect him from what or who. Isn’t jesus supposed to be god, the all powerful creator of everything?

    This is very Mormon. In Mormon mythology, jesus is just a human that has been around a little longer and climbed the god ladder. For that matter, so is god the father on Kolob. All good Mormon males will end up at their god level sooner or later. There are countless gods, none of them very powerful.

    Let me point the way towards him until his mission is finished.

    His mission was to be a human sacrifice to fix the world he built that had numerous flaws. I suppose if you asked nicely, he might have let you pound a nail into him.

    I don’t remember the bible having Santa Claus as the 13th disciple.

    Xian mythology is baroque. It never makes sense if you try to figure it out.

  • bryanfeir

    The boar hunting with puppets thing sounds like it comes from some anime or manga. Hmm, does that mean if I sneak into Beck’s house I’ll find he’s reading One Piece and watching Gundam Wing?

    Try Princess Mononoke, which actually does have a scene with warriors hiding under boar cloaks to get close enough to the boar god to kill him.

    As for the rest of this, yeah, I got nothing. Well, aside from pointing out that the real Saint Nicholas of Myra wasn’t born until some three hundred years later, in Turkey.

  • dingojack

    My dear Bek – needs more lizardmen. 2 out of 10.

    Dingo

  • http://www.drl2.com/blog,http://books.drl2.com drl2

    Somebody took the intro to “Scrooged” a little too seriously.

  • parasiteboy

    Raven@34

    Jesus doesn’t make any secret of who he is.

    I think it depends on which gospel you are talking about. IIRC Reasonable Doubts pointed to the early gospel of Mark where Jesus does not come out and say that he is the messiah. When one of his disciples figures it out Jesus tells him to not say anything to any of the other disciples.

  • birgerjohansson

    Vargostatten beat me to the film “Rare Exports”-a must-see for horror/Christmas enthusiasts!

  • raven

    I think it depends on which gospel you are talking about.

    That is true.

    Jesus gets level upgrades all through the NT. By John he is god. John being the last Gospel written and long after he supposedly lived.

    Most modern American xians consider jesus = god, that Trinity thing, so they don’t pay much attention to Mark until they get to the snake handling, speaking in tongues part at the end, which itself is a late addition.

  • eric

    Well, that movie sounds like *a* nightmare before Christmas. Obviously not *the* nightmare (which turns 20 this year. How time flies).

    Artor:

    I will take a moment to plug a much better story; Christopher Moore’s Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Friend.

    If you’re talking Christopher Moore Christmas stories, though, you gotta go with The Stupidest Angel. Much more in theme. Also (IMO) funnier than Biff. And the best part about Stupidest Angel is that it’s in pre-production for a movie already. Yay!