Chuck Norris and the War on Christmas

Chuck Norris is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore. He’s fed up with that dastardly War on Christmas (you know, the one that doesn’t exist except in the fevered imaginations of the permanently persecuted). In an op-ed reprinted on Fox News and dramatically talked about by the three morons on Fox and Friends, he writes this:

Folks, our country is heading down a slippery slope. We have to stop it before it is too late.

We haven’t even hit Thanksgiving, and already the war on Christmas is underway.

Yes, yes, of course it is.

Let us never forget that there was once a time in the U.S. when people and even presidents weren’t afraid to stand for traditional values and encourage others to do the same.

Case in point, President Ronald Reagan, in his 1981 Christmas address, televised and on the radio from the Oval Office for the entire nation and world to hear, said: “At this special time of year, we all renew our sense of wonder in recalling the story of the first Christmas in Bethlehem, nearly 2,000 years ago. Some celebrate Christmas as the birthday of a great and good philosopher and teacher. Others of us believe in the divinity of the child born in Bethlehem, that he was and is the promised Prince of Peace. … Like the shepherds and wise men of that first Christmas, we Americans have always tried to follow a higher light, a star, if you will. At lonely campfire vigils along the frontier, in the darkest days of the Great Depression, through war and peace, the twin beacons of faith and freedom have brightened the American sky. At times, our footsteps may have faltered, but trusting in God’s help, we’ve never lost our way. … So let this holiday season be for us a time of rededication. … Tonight, in millions of American homes, the glow of the Christmas tree is a reflection of the love (of) Jesus. … Christmas means so much because of one special child.”

Ah yes, the good old days when presidents talked about the grandeur of the Christian faith in their annual Christmas messages. Quick, guess which president said this in their Christmas message:

For me, and for countless other Christians, Holy Week and Easter are times for reflection and renewal. We remember the grace of an awesome God, who loves us so deeply that He gave us his only Son, so that we might live through Him. We recall all that Jesus endured for us – the scorn of the crowds, the agony of the cross – all so that we might be forgiven our sins and granted everlasting life. And we recommit ourselves to following His example, to love and serve one another, particularly “the least of these” among us, just as He loves every one of us.

And this one:

So many people all across the country are helping out at soup kitchens, buying gifts for children in need, or organizing food or clothing drives for their neighbors. For families like ours, that service is a chance to celebrate the birth of Christ and live out what He taught us – to love our neighbors as we would ourselves; to feed the hungry and look after the sick; to be our brother’s keeper and our sister’s keeper.

Both came from President Obama, that evil Christian-hating Kenyan Muslim commie bastard.

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  • eric

    In an op-ed reprinted…

    So, they are reprinting “the world is going to hell” op-eds from last Christmas or the Christmas before that. Delicious irony.

  • John Pieret

    St. Ronnie said “So let this holiday season be for us a time of rededication.”

    NOOOOO! It’s gotta be “CHRISTMAS SEASON” or you are warring on Christmas! “Happy Holidays” and “Seasons Greetings” is what the evil-secular-atheist-anti-Christian warriors say!

  • themadtapper

    I’m always amused by the idea that political figures are now afraid to speak about traditional Christian values in a country where paying lip-service to Jesus is basically a requirement to get elected and politicians regularly invoke their religion to justify their positions on pretty much everything.

    Oddly enough, he is right that there’s a war on Christmas being waged and that the battles start even before Thanksgiving. But that war is being waged by multi-billion dollar corporations for whom the season ’tis for excessive merchandising.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Both came from President Obama, that evil Christian-hating Kenyan Muslim commie bastard.

    Sure, but the Obama ones lose a lot in the translation from the original Muslin (“My fellow Kenyans, Allah is Great, li-li-li-li! Merry Jihad on Christmas and a Happy Admiral Ackbar…”)

  • http://timgueguen.blogspot.com timgueguen

    Yes, good ole Ronnie, who apparently was heavily reliant on a psychic to help him decide when to do things. And what do a lot of these idiots think of psychics? Not that they’re fakes, not worth anyone’s time, but that they’re dupes whose power comes from Satan.

  • Larry

    That darn war on christmas just keeps getting earlier and earlier each year. Why, the local stores had their secular xmas displays up before Halloween this year.

  • Randomfactor

    They always get that “slippery slope” thing backwards. Here we are, trying to climb higher, and Chuckie keeps trying to pull us back down into the muck with him.

  • Loqi

    I started fighting the war way early this year. I was wishing people happy holidays in August. They were very confused.

    It was a psy-op.

  • sugarfrosted

    Chuck Norris doesn’t use logic, he roundhouse kicks it in the head.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, as he’s too busy thinking about gay marriage.

    There are our required Chuck Norris jokes for the thread. Carry on.

  • Kevin Kehres

    Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris refuses to cry because of the war on Christmas.

  • Sastra

    “… Some celebrate Christmas as the birthday of a great and good philosopher and teacher.”

    OMG Reagan mentioned citizens who aren’t Christian!!!11!1

  • jnorris

    Folks, our country is heading down a slippery slope. We have to stop it before it is too late.

    We haven’t even hit Thanksgiving, and already the war on Christmas is underway.

    Is Chuck Norris in a revival of The Music Man?

  • Reginald Selkirk

    We haven’t even hit Thanksgiving, and already the war on Christmas is underway.

    Yo blockhead: you just acknowledged that holidays other than Christmas exist. So Happy Holidays.

  • Doubting Thomas

    Um, that “only son” part. I can never get past that. What kind of an all powerful creator of the universe “only” gets one son? Who made that rule? Can’t she make all the sons (and or daughters) she wants?

  • bushrat

    I’m ready for the War on Christmas this year. I’ve spent my year amassing a huge armada of Gravy boats to bombard my fathers mashed potato fortifications. Boiling Cranberry sauce and asparagus spears will rain down on his positions on both Bun-ker Hill and Carrot Top ridge. Let us sound the Drumsticks of War!

  • scienceavenger

    We haven’t even hit Thanksgiving, and already the war on Christmas is underway.

    The war wouldn’t start so early if you didn’t start talking about it so damned early.

    Constitutional amendment against any mention of Christmas and its many attributes until after Thanksgiving! Who’s with me!

  • D. C. Sessions

    He’s right, though. Here it is not even Thanksgiving, and already people are not-saying “merry Christmas!” to each other. At the rate we’re going, it won’t be all that long before people are non-saying it in January!

  • beezlebubby

    I wish Big Foot Wallace had crushed Norris’ windpipe back in the 70s, and spared us his inanity.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    All Chuck Norris jokes aside, if he’s so fucking mighty, why hasn’t he won the war on christmas, yet?

    (crickets)

  • John Pieret

    All Chuck Norris jokes aside

    Except Chuck Norris himself …

    why hasn’t he won the war on christmas, yet?

    Glenn Beck’s next movie will team Norris up with Warrior Santa to track down and violently eliminate all American malls of the terrorists who say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

  • mikeyk

    “Some celebrate Christmas as the birthday of a great and good philosopher and teacher. Others of us believe in the divinity of the child born in Bethlehem…”

    Interesting that Reagan would choose his words that way. Do you think he was appealing to the non-religious, or possibly those of other religions?

  • wildbill

    All these self-righteous christians whine about the war on Xmas, yet (as was pointed out earlier), the real war is the mass commercialization of the season. Give a car for an Xmas gift? How many can actually afford to do that? I like to call it the “feed the greed” season.

    So if these folks really want to do something about the real war, turn Xmas into a day like thanksgiving. Get rid of the gift-giving, make it a day about getting together with family and friends and enjoying their company.

    This of course will never happen, corporate america (which depends on the us spending way to much to buy crap for everyone we know) will not allow that, its “unamerican.”

  • birgerjohansson

    “Glenn Beck’s next movie will team Norris up with Warrior Santa to track down and violently eliminate all American malls of the terrorists who say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

    .

    I thought Norris was the obvious choice for Warrior Santa himself!