God is Going to Destroy America Over Israel. Yes, Again.

We hear the constant refrain from the Christian right that if the United States doesn’t rubber stamp anything and everything Israel does, ever, for any reason, God will destroy us. “Dr.” J.P. Sloane, who attended the Institute of Charismatic Studies at Oral Roberts University, trots out this dumb platitude at BarbWire:

In the Bible we see how God uses acts of weather and nations to bring disaster to people who thumb their noses at Him. Consider when we forced Israel to give up Gaza “for peace” and the Israelis had to force their own people to not only vacate Gaza—but do the unthinkable—dig up the graves of their dead and – unceremoniously – take their exhumed corpses with them. Be forewarned America—God is not mocked (Galatians 6:7).

The day the Bush Administration leaned on Israel’s Prime Minister, Arial Sharon, to withdraw from the Gaza, turbulence began to stir in the Mid-Atlantic which became known as “Katrina!” Shortly after the removal of the Jews and their dead from Gaza, Katrina hit the city of New Orleans, breaching the city’s levy at what is known in New Orleans as “the West Bank!” Thousands of New Orleans citizens were flooded from their homes, and many sought shelter in other states. On the heels of the Jews being forced to remove their dead from Gaza, New Orleans was giving up some of its dead from the above ground crypts that dot the city. (In New Orleans they have to bury the dead above ground due to the city being below sea level.) In December—on the heels of the Gaza pullout and America’s Katrina disaster—Prime Minister Ariel Sharon—who capitulated to the Bush Administration’s demand to pull out of Gaza—was stricken with a stroke which left him in a comma until his death in January of this year.

Repeat after me: Correlation does not equal causation. One could just as easily argue that God sent Hurricane Katrina to express his displeasure that Tiger Woods had won the Master’s. There would be precisely as much evidence for that conclusion as there is for Sloane’s. But this is my favorite part:

Friends, what we are seeing is the reason America is not mentioned as a world power in Bible end times prophecy. As America continues to travel down the Paganistic heathen slope of perversions—and atheists attacking Christians and Jews—while Muslims are celebrating their holidays in the very capital of our country—yes in our very own White House—Christmas—a legal American holiday—is under attack on a regular annual basis!

Uh, the reason America is not mentioned as w world power in the Bible is because it didn’t fucking exist when those texts were written. No country that did not exist at the time is mentioned there, no matter how many times you hold it up to a funhouse mirror while wearing your Oral Roberts Magic Prophecy Decoder Ring.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Mr Ed

    Point of clarification. Will we be destroyed before or after Christmas morning? I’d hate to waste my last days at the mall.

  • colnago80

    Uh, the reason America is not mentioned as w world power in the Bible is because it didn’t fucking exist when those texts were written.

    In addition, the existence of continents in the Western Hemisphere was totally unknown at the time.

  • tubi

    In addition, the existence of continents in the Western Hemisphere was totally unknown at the time.

    Exactly. What is the good doctor’s explanation for why Bolivia, Zimbabwe, and New Caledonia are not mentioned in the Bible?

  • tubi

    Also,

    [Ariel Sharon] was stricken with a stroke which left him in a comma until his death in January of this year

    Better than being left in a colon, I guess.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    …slope of perversions…

    Dibs on album title!

  • dingojack

    At least Ariel didn’t have a slash… or worse and ampersand!!!!

    Dingo

  • anubisprime

    Interesting when you Google ‘Dr. J.P. Sloane’ you get over a full page of his shenanigans… and a little message from Google at the foot of the page…

    ‘Some results may have been removed under data protection law in Europe.’

    Now it is a standard message reporting the ‘right to be forgotten’ removal, it does appear on other random pages but interestingly only seems to appear on pages that has actually had data and links removed pertaining to the star of that page!

    So it is to be wondered what it was that ‘Dr. J.P. Sloane’ wanted to be forgotten?

  • Loqi

    It must be terrible to be trapped in the second most misused punctuation. The only worse thing I can imagine is being in an exclamation point. It would be like being stuffed into a sack and beaten to near-death every time a right wing kook tries to put pen to paper.

  • birgerjohansson

    We have a storm in northern Sweden now. Will someone please the Jehowah to aim better?

  • U Frood

    Hurricanes hitting cities along the Gulf Coast is of course totally unprecedented and could only be interpreted as an act of God.

    Global warming is just a liberal lie to explain away evidence of God’s growing wrath.

  • Michael Heath

    I’ve been appalled at how U.S. conservatives are largely advocating the same as what the right wing in Israel advocates, regardless of how far away those positions are from the ideals conservative Christians claim they defend and promote. Their support is reactive and unthinking, it doesn’t matter what Israel’s rightwing wants, only that U.S. conservatives, especially the Christian kind, support it.

    While we joke about Sarah Palin now, she was a key popularizer of this relatively new position. Since 2008 we repeatedly increasingly see Republicans running for office or in the media do everything they can to proudly pose as overtly blind loyalists to the worst aspects of Zionism.

  • John Hinkle

    Christmas—a legal American holiday—is under attack on a regular annual basis!

    Not just a regular basis! Not just an annual basis! But a regular annual basis ZOMG!!!

  • suttkus

    Let me follow the logic. The US isn’t mentioned in Bible prophecy because it’s going to be destroyed first. Therefore, it IS going to be destroyed. Therefore, there is nothing you can do to stop its destruction. Therefore, Fundamentalists, please evacuate the country now or at least stop voting against our rebellion against God since you now know it can’t possibly do any good. Thanks. We’ll get on without you somehow.

  • dingojack

    Let’s see:

    “In his book Sharon: The Life of a Leader, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s son Gilad wrote that he gave his father the idea of the disengagement. Sharon had originally dubbed his unilateral disengagement plan, the “separation plan” or Tokhnit HaHafrada before realizing that, “separation sounded bad, particularly in English, because it evoked apartheid.”

    Sharon suggested his disengagement plan for the first time on December 18, 2003 at the Fourth Herzliya Conference. In his address to the Conference, Sharon stated that ″settlements which will be relocated are those which will not be included in the territory of the State of Israel in the framework of any possible future permanent agreement. At the same time, in the framework of the Disengagement Plan, Israel will strengthen its control over those same areas in the Land of Israel which will constitute an inseparable part of the State of Israel in any future agreement.″

    Sharon formally announced the plan in his April 14, 2004 letter to U.S. President George W. Bush, stating that “there exists no Palestinian partner with whom to advance peacefully toward a settlement“.”

    “The disengagement was proposed by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, adopted by the government on June 6, 2004 and enacted in August 2005. Those Israeli citizens who refused to accept government compensation packages and voluntarily vacate their homes prior to the August 15, 2005 deadline, were evicted by Israeli security forces over a period of several days. The eviction of all residents, demolition of the residential buildings and evacuation of associated security personnel from the Gaza Strip was completed by September 12, 2005. The eviction and dismantlement of the four settlements in the northern West Bank was completed ten days later.”

    “Hurricane Katrina formed over the Bahamas on August 23, 2005, and crossed southern Florida as a moderate Category 1 hurricane, causing some deaths and flooding there before strengthening rapidly in the Gulf of Mexico. The hurricane strengthened to a Category 5 hurricane over the warm Gulf water, but weakened before making its second landfall as a Category 3 hurricane on the morning of Monday, August 29, in southeast Louisiana. It caused severe destruction along the Gulf coast from central Florida to Texas, much of it due to the storm surge. The most significant number of deaths occurred in New Orleans, Louisiana, which flooded as the levee system catastrophically failed, in many cases hours after the storm had moved inland.”*

    Gee — a few minutes on Wikipedia and your theory, Mr Sloane, is already looking anachronistic.

    Dingo

    ———

    * footnotes have been removed from Wikipedia quotes.