Fox News Invents Another War on Something

Now that the “was on Christmas” is done for another year, Fox News has invented a new non-existent controversy: The federal government’s war on donut sprinkles. Pretending that the FDA is going to outlaw sprinkles on donuts, Fox and Friends got all lathered up over it.

Fox & Friends segment warned on Tuesday that President Barack Obama’s administration was set to enact a ban on doughnut sprinkles, which meant that the government could take control of where you live and work next…

But Fox News host Clayton Morris told viewers on Tuesday that they would have to “say goodbye to your favorite sprinkled doughnut.”

“They’re getting rid of doughnuts like these,” Morris explained while hold a plate of pastries. “Doesn’t the FDA have more important things to do than regulate sprinkles?”

“Food police” opponent Jayson Lusk argued that there was no need to ban trans fats because food companies had already reduced the amount that was used because of new labeling laws.

“What it is also saying to people is, ‘You’re just not responsible, right?’” Morris opined. “If you can’t eat one of these every other day, and you know that you’re going to have some other health issues if you’re eating doughnuts, that’s the main part of your diet, that’s probably going to have some issues, what the government is saying is, ‘Look, you’re not responsible for your own health so we’re going to step in and make sure we’re going to be responsible for you.’”

“You know, there’s a tendency to look at this policy and say, ‘What’s the big deal? You know, a ban on sprinkles on donuts, it’s just not that big of deal,’” Lusk replied. “But I think the way you want to look at that is to say that, you know, if the government can involve itself in such small minutia decisions of our daily lives as to whether we want to eat sprinkles or not, you know, that’s really not much respect for the citizens’ choices.”

“And if they’re willing to ban those small decisions, you know, what kind of respect will they give citizens in the large decisions in lives about where to work or where to live or some of the things that really matter?” he continued.

Morris went on to say that the government would also be banning crackers, frozen pizza, popcorn, coffee creamers and canned frosting.

“If you’re making some cookies once a year with your kids on the holidays, that will be banned,” Morris remarked, wondering if the government could have some “common sense” and make exceptions for tasty foods.

There’s just one problem: This alleged policy does not exist. It’s true that the FDA is eliminating artificial trans fats, but that isn’t banning any products. Manufacturers are just replacing the artificial trans fats with other additives. But hey, you gotta get the rubes all fired up somehow, right? You know what I’d love to see? I’d love to see the FDA really tweak Bill O’Reilly by announcing that they’re banning the use of falafel for rubbing down a subordinate in the shower.

POPULAR AT PATHEOS Nonreligious
What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • scienceavenger

    What it is also saying to people is, ‘You’re just not responsible, right?’” Morris opined… what the government is saying is, ‘Look, you’re not responsible for your own health so we’re going to step in and make sure we’re going to be responsible for you.’”

    Right, because the overwhelming conclusion from the data is that people monitor their own health so well. /snark

  • Saad

    Sorry, Clayton. It’s hard to take the War on Donuts seriously when there’s an actual war on women, war on black people, war on LGBT people, war on atheists, war on Muslims, war on poor people, and war on Mexican people going on.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    First they came for the sprinkles, and I did not speak out, because I had no doughnut…

  • Mr Ed

    First they came for the sprinkles, and I did not speak out-

    because I used Jimmies.

  • Mr Ed

    Then they came for Modusoperandi as he is always one step ahead of me

  • John Pieret

    I used to think Faux News was a parody of a news program but now its become a parody of itself parodying a news program.

  • marcus

    Well, they ought to outlaw the goddamn things. They look all sweet, fun, and colorful… then Bam! You’re headed to the dentist for a new filling (and not the chocolate kind).

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Mr Ed, back when I was a Mob enforcer I worked for Jimmy Sprinkles.

  • raven

    Who is dumb enought to believe this or anything on Fox NoNews*?

    I only watch it when stuck in airports or at other people’s houses. It’s gotten worse AFAICT. The few times I saw it, I was struck by how open the racism was. The last two times, the was all they talked about, how horrible black people are.

    I just refuse to watch it. Hate just isn’t my thing.

    *I only know one person. He is a fundie xian who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. He is genuinely very stupid. He almost got fired because some other employees got tired of trying to explain stuff to him that he can’t understand or remember and complained.

  • sailor1031

    Oh that evil Federal Gummint. Why are they banning dangerous, maybe lethal, things? Can’t it all be left to the holy “free” market? I saw somewhere recently that the Federal Gummint is going to ban Christmas lights. On investigation it turned out to be that the evil FedGov wants to make the current voluntary standards to which most manufacturers are already adhering mandatory and had a comment period going. Somehow I think there’ll still be Christmas lights next december

  • scienceavenger

    I watch Foxnews as a way to gauge our social enemies, to see where the GOP is heading, and to get a twisted thrill from the feeling of peeking inside the asylum.

  • dugglebogey

    I listened to a right wing nutjob radio station yesterday and heard that President Obama was lifting all sanctions against Iran and was opening an embassy.

    Then I heard the actual interview and what Obama said was “I never say never” in regards to the embassy, and “If Iran cooperates there may be a possibility of lifting some of the sanctions.”

    Seriously, they live in another reality where “facts” don’t interfere in any way.

  • Loqi

    What kind of person cries tyranny over what additives go in their sprinkles?

    Oh, right.

  • scienceavenger

    @13 The same ones who propose “Lightbulb Freedom” acts.

  • ehmm

    Please tell me that some fact checker is going to get fired over thi…. Oh, wait. This if Fox News. Never mind.

    When did Fox News become the SUPER-CAPS LOCK EMAIL news channel?

  • skinnercitycyclist

    This war on sprinkles is nothing new. The right wing got in a tizzy when the Reagan-era regs defining them as a vegetable were rescinded in 1993…

  • marcus

    “If you’re making some cookies once a year with your kids on the holidays, that will be banned,” Morris remarked…”

    What? I don’t even…

  • Chris J

    In historic news, Fox & Friends shed light on the government’s efforts to ban little toy fire trucks. Who are they to tell us what our children can and can’t play with? Are we not responsible parents that can make informed decisions? All because there’s a little lead in the paint…

    The government also tried to place regulations on where we can live, because of course we couldn’t possibly be trusted with owning the wrong type of house. As responsible, informed adults we have the right to live in any house we want, asbestos be damned!

    Companies are always knowledgeable of and happy to divulge all the possibly toxic things in their product, which is why nutrition labels have always existed and never needed strict regulation on what to display. Fast food restaurants certainly haven’t played hide-the-pamphlet even when they started making the nutrition content of their meals available. They also never rely on definitions of “0%” and play around with serving sizes so that they can sneak in stuff that customers might want to avoid.

    How does anyone take Fox seriously as a news network?

  • http://www.thelosersleague.com theschwa

    I figured they’d be OK with this ban. The Sprinkle Police would, of course, only be enforcing this in the …ahem… urban … areas. And once they find some “thugs” eating them, they get to kill more black men. Whites eating them would be given a warning, or nothing.

  • Doubting Thomas

    “falafel for rubbing down…” ??? What am I missing here. Does O’Reilly use a falafel instead of a loofa? Oh right, Google it. *Face palm.*

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    Are they even the least bit concerned that this false news will cause Homer Simpson, who only watches Fox, to take his own life?

  • dan4

    “And if they ‘re willing to to ban those small decisions, you know, what kind of respect will they give citizens in the large decisions in lives about where to work or where to live or some of the things that really matter?” he continued.

    I like how Lusk’s lazy and careless wording here, where he puts “where to work” and “where to live” in mutually exclusive terms with “some of the things that really matter” (i.e. the “or” in front of the latter quotation) undermines his own “if they come for the small stuff, then they’ll be coming for the large stuff next” thesis.

  • caseloweraz

    Sprinkle Ban? Sounds like a Disney character. Maybe related to Peter Pan…

    Wait — the source has gotta be Chester Gould, creator of characters like Sparkle Plenty.

  • caseloweraz

    Rawstory:

    “Although the amount of trans fats Americans consume has declined significantly in recent years, the FDA’s quest to completely eliminate a particular type of trans fat threatens to eliminate the noble ‘sprinkle,’ used to decorate holiday treats and donuts,” the Breitbart report said. “Even a small amount of joy is suspect in the FDA’s brave, new, food-monitored world.”

    Sure, because doughnut sprinkles never existed before the advent of artificial trans fat, amirite? How can this outrageous war on modernity be tolerated?

    “This was the noblest sprinkle of them all. Friends, Republicans, countrymen, lend us your ears…”

  • Kermit Sansoo

    Recipe for plain cake donuts:

    Original recipe makes 12 doughnuts

    2 cups all-purpose flour

    1/2 cup white sugar

    1 teaspoon salt

    1 tablespoon baking powder

    1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

    1 dash ground nutmeg

    2 tablespoons melted butter

    1/2 cup milk

    1 egg, beaten

    1 quart oil for frying

    1/2 cup trans fats for reasons