Peter LaBarbera is a Poet. And He Knows It.

In looking back on 2014, raging bigot Peter LaBarbera thinks the worst thing that happened was Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend on TV. He’s so mad about it that he wrote a poem about the horror of witnessing affection between two men. And yes, I’m very disappointed that it doesn’t begin “I once knew a man from Nantucket.”

I saw the kiss by Michael Sam..

It made me mad–he kissed a man!

That’s something I don’t want to see

It’s wrong, unnatural, and it’s not just me.

Many now say, “Homosexuality is OK.”

But God says there’s a better way.

He made men for women, and women for men.

So why are “gays” so prideful then?

Please, no public same-sex kisses, Michael Sam.

We don’t want to see this man-on-man!

Not in a boat, not in a car

This public perversion goes too far!

Not in the store or on a bus

This same-sex stuff, it brings disgust.

Not at the movies or on TV

It’s wrong, unnatural, can’t you see?!

I don’t want my kids to think it’s right

So please, please, keep it out of sight!

Why is it always in our faces?

This sin–celebrated in so many places?

Even at football and baseball games

We have to pretend homosexuality’s the same.

Young kids exposed to same-sex acts,

When parents just wanna’ have fun and relax.

“Well,” said Michael Sam, “let me ask you this:

“Do you get mad when men and women kiss?!”

Man and woman, that’s Nature’s way.

As long as there’s not too much PDA.

“But can’t you see, it’s who I am?!

“I’m gay, accept me!” begged Michael Sam.

I disagree–it’s not who you are, it’s what you do.

Hey, haven’t you had a girlfriend or two?

Yes, but this is now and that was then.

My “sexual orientation”…hey, it’s towards men!

No, Michael Sam insisted, I’m gay.

Can’t you see I was born that way?

Why must you hate gays like me?

“Hate?” I said. “I don’t hate you, I just disagree!”

You already changed from straight to perverse.

Why can’t the process work in reverse?

And on and on like that. He’s like the Samuel Taylor Coleridge of anti-gay poetry, only without the talent or the vocabulary. We’ll call this one the Rhyme of the Ancient Homophobe.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Taz

    Nothing like Coleridge – more like a piss-poor attempt at Dr. Seuss.

  • marcus

    Peter LaBarbera is a simple-minded troll,

    An idiot, a dumbass, an unmitigated asshole.

    (My apologies to poets everywhere.)

  • Childermass

    Homophobic knock off of “Green Eggs and Ham.”

    I guess he forgot how that book ended.

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    Peter LaBarbera is a Poet

    Not on this evidence.

  • wreck

    A poem for Peter:

    Peter I read your stupid rhymes

    Fuck you!

  • matty1

    Isn’t he the one that attends gay events looking for things to be offended by?

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    “…I hope he don’t blow it…”

  • eric

    He could’ve made it much shorter:

    I saw the kiss by Michael Sam..

    It made me mad–he kissed a man!

    That’s something I don’t want to see

    So like any normal person, I turned off the TV.

  • StevoR

    “I once knew a man from Nantucket.”

    Who wasn’t a gay bushing fuckwit

    Not Peter LaBarbera, who couldn’t fail harder-er

    When turning green eggs into homopharbia …

    Yeah, I could do better and find an a actual rhyme or something more closely approximating one if it wasn’t way past my bedtime already.. but, hey, at least Ed, I gave you that first line you wanted!

  • StevoR

    ^ bushing = bashing. D’oh!

  • John Pieret

    I guess this means LaBarbera likes doing it doggerel style …

  • Childermass

    If there was any doubt that he is thinking of Dr. Seuss, the following is linked to from that page:

    2014 Was the Year Elitist Judicial Grinches Stole the People’s Vote on God-ordained Marriage Between a Man and a Woman

  • Deacon Duncan
  • Deacon Duncan

    Not saying *good* poetry, mind, just better than LaBarbera’s.

  • caseloweraz

    Ed: And yes, I’m very disappointed that it doesn’t begin “I once knew a man from Nantucket.”

    I see what you did there. You slyly changed the well-known limerick’s first line from “There once was a man from Nantucket.”

    :)

  • caseloweraz

    Peter LaBarbera:

    I saw the kiss by Michael Sam..

    It made me mad–he kissed a man!

    Reminds me of Stan Freburg’s “Point of Order:” “Anyone who would rhyme ‘dame’ and ‘lane’ is a bad risk.”

  • Chris J

    Why must you hate gays like me?

    “Hate?” I said. “I don’t hate you, I just disagree!”

    Erm, is that what he calls writing an… *counts* 87 line rambling mess of a Dr. Seuss knockoff about how much he doesn’t like to see men kiss? And how it “made him mad” and “it brings disgust,” venturing that “this public perversion goes too far?” Disagreement? Then I wouldn’t like to see him actually hating something. He might break out the sonnets, then we’d be in real trouble.

  • A Masked Avenger

    @Childermass, #3:

    I guess he forgot how that book ended.

    You don’t like man-on-man you say?

    Try it! Try it! And you may!

    Try it and you may I say!

    Michael Sam! If you will let me be,

    I will try it. You will see.

    Say! I like kissing a man!

    I do! I like it, Michael Sam!

    I would kiss men on TV.

    I would kiss men by the sea.

    I would kiss them in the park.

    I would kiss them in the dark.

    I would kiss them on the job.

    I might even kiss their knob.

    I do like it, Michael Sam.

    Oh the feelings that I harbor-a,

    Sure as I’m Peter LaBarbera.

  • http://tierra-de-antilopes.blogspot.com.ar/ tierra de antilopes

    Bigots have LaBarbera, we have The Digital Cuttlefish, so I guess we are OK :)

  • Nomad

    It’s funny, there’s already a song about two guys kissing ruining the singer’s life. Except… it’s a little different.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8woKHUAZ7HA