Kirk Cameron Wants to Keep You Awake

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas movie was such a bomb that he wants you to stay awake so you can watch it many more times by selling you coffee. He’s selling a “Saving Christmas Blend” of coffee that he promises will help you “make a statement to the world.” Oh, and it uses beans from the world’s largest Muslim country.

Inspired by the timeless flavors of the classic mocha java blend, our limited edition Saving Christmas Blend is a delicate balance of East African and Indonesian coffees. The subtle sweetness of the Indonesian beans is intimately paired with the robust earthiness of the African for a truly harmonious and memorable cup.

Muslim coffee beans to save Christmas. Funny!

So behold, the limited edition Saving Christmas Blend from your friend, Kirk Cameron. Whether you’re staying up late to wrap presents or waking up early to open them, singing carols to your neighbors on a cold winter night or trading stories with your family by the firelight, we guarantee our Saving Christmas Blend will fit right in.

And by savoring Saving Christmas, you’re also making a statement to the world: there is no Christmas without Christ.

Those who have tried the coffee say it tastes of desperation and lack of talent.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • whheydt

    That makes me glad I’m not a coffee drinker…

  • zenlike

    19 bucks for less then half a kilo of coffeebeans? Good scam if you can pull it off.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    zenlike, nobody said that Saving Christmas was cheap.

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    Muslim coffee beans to save Christmas. Funny!

    Someone needs to tell his buyers that the coffee species is “arabica.” Clearly, Cameron is a Muslim sleeper trying to corrupt good Christians.

    Those who have tried the coffee say it tastes of desperation and lack of talent.

    I think it probably tastes like the two bags of coffee I just threw away. They both smelled (and tasted) rancid.

    Mildly amusing (at least to me): FtB has served up a Starbucks ad for their single-origin coffees. The coffee being shown is from the Rift Valley which is also a great source for hominid fossils. Perhaps Cameron’s coffee is also contaminated by evilutionists.

  • Mr Ed

    We need a picture of Jesus captioned: I don’t always drink coffee but when I do its Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas Blend

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Commercialism: it’s the reason for the season!

  • raven

    ‘The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven’ Recants Everything

    “The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” actually…>/blockquote>

    OT From my headlines this morning. I’d cut this kid some slack. I didn’t believe any of these heaven is real stories anyway. And he was only 6 and is paralyzed from an accident.

  • freemage

    Is Kirk making his Father’s house a house of trade? Pretty sure there’s some rules about that someplace…

  • tbp1

    I almost feel sorry for Kirk Cameron. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a TV star one day, with all the perks, attention, praise and money that come with it, one day, and essentially just another guy the next (although hopefully a guy with a decent next egg in savings). A lot of child stars, rather obviously, have had horrible post-stardom lives, although some have transitioned well into normal life and regular jobs. There are very few Ron Howards.

    Since Cameron isn’t a particularly good actor, and his quirky looks don’t serve him in adulthood as they did in adolescence, he has to look elsewhere for the affirmation and adulation he had as a teenager. I don’t know how sincere he is in his religious beliefs, but I think he’s on a path that isn’t ultimately going to bring him a lot of happiness.

  • moarscienceplz

    NPR did a segment on the Golden Raspberry awards the other night, and they mentioned that Saving Christmas had a zero rating on Rotten Tomatoes and I think they said it was the only movie ever to have this distinction. Well done, Kirk!

  • wreck

    Coffee and evolution:

    http://www.sciencemag.org/content/345/6201/1181.full

    Suck on that Kirk!

  • John Pieret

    Kirk Cameron Wants to Keep You Awake

    That’s great!

    It means he is going to stop pretending to act … right?

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    @tbp1

    I think that’s a good observation. Cameron has turned to religion instead of drugs, but it’s all an attempt to fill a big void in his life. The industry is very cruel to actors, particularly kids. Once the kid has outlived their usefulness, they’re simply discarded. Sadly, a lot of parents just see the $$$ and don’t plan for dealing with the end of the gravy train. Heck, it wasn’t that long ago that a parent could steal all of a child actor’s income and the actor had no recourse. There’s a special trust account called a Coogan account, thanks to Jackie Coogan’s parents doing that to him.

  • raven

    I almost feel sorry for Kirk Cameron.

    I wouldn’t bother.

    Even low level bottom feeders in the feeding on xians parasite racket make millions.

    Much of the money xians/right wingnuts donate is simply skimmed off. I don’t have a problem with that. Makers of mansions and luxury goods need to eat too.

    PS I read more on that book/movie The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven. The mother uses the word scammers in her explanation. Apparently this kid who is paralyzed never saw much of the money from a book that sold 8 million copies.

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    @moarscienceplz

    There are movies that are so bad, they’re good. See “Plan 9 From Outer Space.” Cameron’s movie has managed to transcend that condition. Or perhaps it’s just not bad enough to be good.

    Maybe Kirk can try dressing up in angora sweaters and see if that helps.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    tbp1 “There are very few Ron Howards.”

    Thank goodness!

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    @raven

    (Re The Boy…)

    The publishers probably ran a small affinity scam on the family. “What? Review the contract with your lawyer? We’re Christians, you can trust us. Let’s all pray together instead of getting those nasty lawyers involved. ‘Dear Lord, bless this agreement and keep it holy. Amen!’ Isn’t that better?”

    It’s a lot easier to sucker people when you have a built-in basis for trust.

  • Chaos Engineer

    Kirk Cameron really needs to think about the damage that’s he’s trying to inflict on Christmas. The only approved Christmastide beverages are hot chocolate and eggnog. I’m pretty sure this is in the Bible somewhere. Coffee is right out.

    Eggnog doesn’t have a good shelf-life but there’s absolutely no reason that he can’t brand and sell packages containing cocoa powder, pre-boiled water, and little marshmallows.

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    @Chaos Engineer

    I’d be happy to sub-contract for him, providing the dehydrated water for his mix.

  • wreck

    I predict this will go down in the annals of beverage history. Right next to Billy Beer.

  • Michael Heath

    I have a lot of respect for Ron Howard, partly given the more typical outcome for child actors.

  • Lady Mondegreen (aka Stacy)

    @Chaos Engineer

    Eggnog doesn’t have a good shelf-life

    Put enough brandy in it and it’ll last ’til twelfth night and ring in epiphany for you.

  • caseloweraz

    Mr Ed: We need a picture of Jesus captioned: “I don’t always drink coffee. But when I do, it’s Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas Blend.”

    Right. And the final comment would be “Stay holy, my friends.”

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Michael Heath “I have a lot of respect for Ron Howard, partly given the more typical outcome for child actors.”

    Really? Even after he killed all those white rhinos? Or maybe that was poachers.

  • shadow

    @19 ArtK:

    1978

    I had suggested that, for my high school’s speech club fund raiser, we sell canned air (fresh Oregon air, in a can, think Space Balls), invisible fog, and dehydrated water.

    For some reason, the speech coach didn’t think selling empty cans would fit our parochial school’s image.

  • http://www.aquaticape.org anthrosciguy

    Those who have tried the coffee say it tastes of desperation and lack of talent.

    Needs more semen of sodomites.

  • roggg

    The subtle sweetness of the Indonesian beans is intimately paired with the robust earthiness of the African for a truly harmonious and memorable cup.

    Intimately paired? What kind of hedonistic pagan coffee is this anyway? Leave room for Jesus between those beans.

  • caseloweraz

    Cameron: The subtle sweetness of the Indonesian beans is intimately paired with the robust earthiness of the African…

    Uh-oh. Mixing genetic strains of coffee.

    Wikipedia: The term miscegenation has been used since the 19th century to refer to interracial marriage and interracial sexual relations, and more generally to the process of genetic admixture, which has taken place since ancient history.

  • http://www.facebook.com/michael.w.busch michaelbusch

    Extra amusement: Coffee as a beverage (rather than eating the beans) was first developed by Yemeni Sufi mystics in and around Mocha, and became popular in part to help them stay awake for night-time prayers.

  • Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    The subtle sweetness of the Indonesian … is intimately paired with the robust earthiness of the African

    Um, yeah. People who think their sexual innuendo is both clever and plausibly deniable for $1000, Alex.

  • http://timgueguen.blogspot.com timgueguen

    Actually Cameron was damaging his chances at a Hollywood career even while Growing Pains was running. He got religious at 17 and began insisting on changes to scripts to remove anything he thought went against his Christian beliefs. This including getting the actress who was playing his girlfriend fired after he found out she’d posed for Playboy. I would imagine the word got around that Cameron was a pain in the ass. hurting his chances of getting whatever roles he might have found compatible with his beliefs.

  • dhall

    He seems to have done a fine job shoving Kevin Sorbo out of the religious idiot limelight for the time being. And while there’s nothing unusual about merchandise being hawked as movie tie-ins, it is unusual for it to happen after a movie has clearly flopped. Seems like naming anything after this movie should doom sales.

  • Jeremy Shaffer
  • dingojack

    Kirk Cameron says: Saving Christmas Coffee helps keep Jesus up!

    Dingo

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    And by savoring Saving Christmas, you’re also making a statement to the world: there is no Christmas without Christ.

    Logical. Very logical.

    I wonder how it tastes with a banana?