BarbWire Writer Pens Incredibly Dumb Column

Yes, I know – dog bites man. But what makes this column by someone named Paul Hair is particularly irritating is that he wants to rename atheists and call us “autotheists.” Because we worship ourselves. Get it? That’s so clever! Brace yourself, here comes the stupid.

Autotheists (self-worshipers) are celebrating that proud homosexual Michael Sam stuck his finger in the collective eyes of Christians even as they submit to Islam and sympathize with Islamic rage at cartoons.

The world continues shaking in fear over Islamic anger at cartoons published by Charlie Hebdo. Politicians and pundits superficially condemned the murders of the employees of the publication yet continue saying the world must not provoke Muslims or show dishonor towards the “Prophet Muhammad.”…

But what irritates me even more is the way autotheists predictably respond with fear and excuses for the violence. “Sure,” they say, “it was wrong for Muslims to murder, but they were provoked to violence by intentional insults.”

They’ve even suggested that free speech should have limits. (And with the Charlie Hebdo attacks, some on the right have even joined in on the “provocation” narrative.)

Really? “Autotheists” did that? Who did, exactly? Name some of them. Bill Donohue did it. The Pope did it. Bryan Fischer did it. Lots of other right wing Christians have explicitly supported blasphemy laws in this country and around the world, including Pat Robertson’s American Center for Law and Justice. I’m sure a few atheists did do it as well, but why does a tiny minority of atheists mean that atheists in general took that position while some of the most prominent Christians leaders saying that doesn’t mean Christians as a group said it?

But autotheists can never reach a peak evilness. There is always room for new ways to engage in wickedness. And there is particularly room for new evil when it comes to their archenemy: Christians.

Thus, while autotheists side with Muslims in agreeing that Muhammad should not be insulted, they openly cheer homosexual Michael Sam giving a giant middle finger to Christianity by proposing to his boyfriend at a Catholic church near the Vatican.

Is there any demographic group in the world more universally opposed to blasphemy laws than atheists? I highly doubt it.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • John Pieret

    he wants to rename atheists and call us “autotheists.” Because we worship ourselves.

    Wait a minute! Doesn’t that mean all male Christians are “homotheists”?

  • Crimson Clupeidae

    The level of wrongness in that column….I don’t think there’s anything in it that isn’t pretty much diametrically opposite of ‘right’.

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    Self-worshipers? Autoadorists would be a better coinage (though auto is only found in post-classical Latin, which makes it a bit less classy): in fact it’s such a lovely word, I think I’ll take up autoadoration as a hobby…

  • eric

    Self-worshipers? Autoadorists would be a better coinage

    Our language already has two words for what he’s trying to say. He can call us solipsists if he thinks we truly believe ourselves to be God, or narcissists if he thinks we love ourselves above all other things but don’t take the extra step into believing we’re God. They are both perfectly cromulent. :) But no, evidently he’s stuck at the freshman level of trying to appear smart by using wierd words and phrases.

    @1 – awesome.

  • wreck

    “proud homosexual Michael Sam stuck his finger in the collective eyes of Christians”

    At least he didn’t ram anything down their throats.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    …at a Catholic church near the Vatican.

    Quoted for my own amusement.

  • http://www.thelosersleague.com theschwa

    Not that they are the spokesmen for all us “autotheists” but Bill Maher and Sam Harris certainly did not support censorship. They got into it on Bill’s HBO show with, of all people, Ben Affleck (a Catholic, I assume?), with Affleck playing the overly sensitive liberal douche. I also assume Richard Dawkins (everyone knows HE is our Atheist Pope) would not support censorship out of fear of offending Muslim s.

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    @ eric, neither of those is all that close: solipsist, from ‘solipsism’, is ultimately merely ‘self-centered’ (Lat. ‘sōlus’ alone + ‘ipse’ self + ‘-ismus’ < Gk -ισμός, forming nouns of action from verbs in -ίζειν). ‘Narcissist’ is self-love or vanity though admitedly excessive (and probably sexual—ewwwww!) from ancient Gk νάρκισσος; of unknown origin, the name the youth who fell in love with his own reflection in a fountain and promptly kicked the bucket.

    Autoadorist is soooooo much better :-)

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    …Affleck playing the overly sensitive liberal douche.

    Well, that half-sentence pretty much flushes your credibility down the toilet. I watched that debate, and Affleck was clearly right (or at least as right as he could be given that he had not come prepared for that argument), and Harris clearly dead-wrong. There’s nothing at all “liberal-douche” about objecting to a gross overgeneralization about Muslims by someone who clearly never bothered to read any history.

  • lldayo

    My wife got mad at me once when she caught me practicing autotheism. It was an awkward Christmas.

  • Sastra

    The idea that “atheists” are against blasphemy is so weird I had to read the article and one of its links to figure out how the hell this guy is defining “atheism.” Might an “auto-theist” be a New Ager who thinks they are a manifestation of God? But we get this:

    … we are an autotheocracy: a religiously ruled society where atheist, humanist, and secularist men are gods who decide what is right and wrong; moral and immoral; good and evil.

    So anyone who fails to argue that something is right or wrong because God said it is an atheist — an “auto-theist?” Even if they’re very religious but appeal to principles shared by the common ground of reason? Good to know.

    That would make heddle an auto-theist, I think.

  • Trebuchet

    To be fair, “autotheist” fits Bill Donohue to a tee.

    Does it make me a bad person that I initially read “Paul Hair” as “Pubic Hair”?

  • caseloweraz

    Paul Hair: The world continues shaking in fear over Islamic anger at cartoons published by Charlie Hebdo.

    Sure! Just like those French gendarmes who, quaking in their boots, cravenly allowed the two brothers who killed the staff members at Charlie Hedbo to leave the country. /sarc

    The epidemic of deliberate cluelessness that people like Hair are a part of cannot end well.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    …we are an autotheocracy: a religiously ruled society where atheist, humanist, and secularist men are gods who decide what is right and wrong; moral and immoral; good and evil.

    Um, yeah, it’s called democracy. It’s where people start to realize they’ve never actually seen any gods explicitly telling us what to do, so we have to figure things out for ourselves.

    This is the logic of backwardness at its most obvious: everyone who wants to think for himself, or make anything better for himself, is “playing god;” and truly obedient people never stand up for themselves.

  • eric

    @10:

    My wife got mad at me once when she caught me practicing autotheism. It was an awkward Christmas.

    Dude, that’s why you listen to Jesus. Matt 6:6 – enter into thy closet and shut the door, then thou prayest….

  • eric

    a religiously ruled society where atheist, humanist, and secularist men are gods who decide what is right and wrong

    92% of Congress is Christian. But try not to let reality hit you on the way out.

  • dugglebogey

    I personally worship my car. I guess that makes me….an Autotheist!

    Thank Chrysler and Chevrolet and Buick, BMW and Mercedes and Audi, Ferrari Lamborghini and Fiat! Amen!

  • eric

    @17: you should read Roger Zelazny’s short story, Auto-da-Fe. :)

  • jaybee

    Trebuchet said:

    Does it make me a bad person that I initially read “Paul Hair” as “Pubic Hair”?

    You autotheists are all the same … mind in the gutter.

    Shame on you for making fun of Mr Hair, who no doubt is a proud ‘Merkin.

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    …he wants to rename atheists and call us “autotheists.” Because we worship ourselves.

    Given that conservative Christianity is little more than a mutual admiration society (with concomitant fear and loathing of anyone not like themselves), this is a tad ironic.

  • Jeremy Shaffer

    Because [atheists] worship ourselves.

    I used to think it was silly when a theist would trot out the ol’ “atheists think they’re god” line. Then I realized; holy shit, I always know where my keys are and never have a problem finding a parking space. Once it dawned on me that I obviously work miracles like, I had to consider that maybe I am god.

  • Michael Heath

    ‘Autotheism’ and ‘autotheocracy’ are mundane illustrations of another conservative Christian awkwardly projecting their own defects onto atheists. I recommend the Bryan Fischer award here.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Anybody who heeds this man’s theological opinions commits Hair-esy.

  • Sastra

    Old joke:

    “I am both the only atheist in town — and God. Whenever the preacher sees me coming he says “Oh God, not you again.”

  • sezme

    But autotheists can never reach a peak evilness.

    Well, that certainly can’t be true. Why, just the other night …. never mind.

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    @dugglebogey

     

    Talking of blasphemy, YOU MISSED OUT MAZDA!!!!!

     

    Especially since my Mazda is named Ahura….

  • dingojack

    Richard – shouldn’t a Mazda be called Akira?

    Dingo 😉

  • caseloweraz

    Jaybee: Shame on you for making fun of Mr Hair, who no doubt is a proud ‘Merkin.

    LOL

  • thebookofdave

    @dugglebogey #17

    I speak not of my own Accord, but of the one who sent me.