Russell Wilson, Please Just Shut Up

I’ve always liked Russell Wilson as a football player, going back to the year he played at Wisconsin. But like a lot of athletes, he’s convinced that God specifically shines his light on him and makes sure that he wins, even going so far as to make him temporarily look bad in order to glorify him in the end.

I found Wilson afterward, and asked him about the four picks, and going from the worst game of his life to the most exhilarating in the span of eight minutes of game time.

“That’s God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special,” he said, alone for a moment in the locker room before heading out for the night. “I’ve been through a lot in life, and had some ups and downs. It’s what’s led me to this day.”

Immediately after the game, still on the field, when asked how he felt about what really was an incredible comeback to beat the Packers, he cried and said, “God is so good, all the time.” Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, I get so tired of this shit. You really think God went out of his way to help you win a football game when he doesn’t lift a finger to help millions of starving children, those beset with horrible diseases and those suffering under terrible oppression? Then you’re not only stupid, you’re selfish and arrogant.

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  • Crimson Clupeidae

    Lots of the NFL are god soaked. Comes with the territory.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    I found Wilson afterward, and asked him about the four picks, and going from the worst game of his life to the most exhilarating in the span of eight minutes of game time.

    “That’s God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special,” he said, alone for a moment in the locker room before heading out for the night. “I’ve been through a lot in life, and had some ups and downs. It’s what’s led me to this day.”

    I found [opposing team player] afterward, and asked him about the four picks, and going from the best game of his life to the worst in the span of eight minutes of game time…

  • Artor

    All the millions of starving children are just props so Gawd can make it “so dramatic, so rewarding, so special,” when a Republican’s kids are served their breakfast.

  • my2cents

    I’m have a bit of a cognitive dissonance breakdown moment. I am and always will be a seahawks fan so therefore I love Russell Wilson. Plus my family runs a large charity auction every year for Seattles Children’s Hospital so I have to love him even more. Yet I’ve always hated other players for this exact same “wear my religion on my sleeve crap.” So I have this clash in my brain whenever Russell Wilson does or says stuff like this.

    Honestly, it bothers me, it really does. Not just because god doesn’t exist and I hate to see otherwise intelligent people believing he does but like mentioned even if god did supposedly exist why would he care? And why would he make you play pretty much the worst football you’ve played in your career for 3.5 quarters before coming back? Only to have your comeback be too quick and give Aaron Rodgers time to tie the game with a field goal? Was it so Kearse could redeem himself in OT for dropping those two passes?

    Well now that I think about it after that rant. God might care, because I and many others obviously care way too much yet do so little for those truly needing so why wouldn’t he?

  • http://www.thelosersleague.com theschwa

    M.O.: (#2):

    I found [opposing team player] afterward, and asked him about the four picks, and going from the best game of his life to the worst in the span of eight minutes of game time…

    When interviewed, that player said “I…I don’t know what happened. I lost control of my body. It was as if some outside force was controlling me. Making me miss tackles and letting Wilson score. But it somehow felt right and holy…”

  • dugglebogey

    This is fairly typical of most athletes, which makes me appreciate Aaron Rodgers even more when he says “I don’t think god cares about football games.”

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    Another thing that irritates me so much about all this God-is-so-wunnerful shit is that the players who give all credit to God are basically demeaning both the game and their own performance, by all-but-explicitly saying they only won because the Creator of the Universe went out of his way to rig the game in their favor.

    The fact that none of the athletes, who all prayed to the same God for different results, ever call each other out, only proves they know it’s all bullshit. It’s good that they know this, course, but it would be better if the just stopped feeling they all had to keep up the tired old pretense.

  • cptdoom

    No doubt he was going from that locker room to celebrate with some low key debauchery and then retire to his home filled with material possessions, like any good Christian.

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    Further evidence that Wilson’s god is a dick who likes to torture his toys. Probably liked to pull the wings off of flies when he was just a demi-god.

  • dugglebogey

    The ones that really confuse me are the boxers. “Thank you god for helping me beat the living fuck out of this other gun until he’s unconscious. Dead will work also.”

  • dugglebogey

    gun = guy. Sorry for the typo.

  • mistertwo

    “That’s God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special.”

    If that’s so, then it doesn’t actually matter who the players are, does it? The coach is completely unnecessary. When someone gets hurt, just get anyone from the stands to fill in, because they’ll do amazing things and their god will be glorified! Hallelujah!

  • Crimson Clupeidae

    God must really hate the Colts right now…..

  • my2cents

    “God must really hate the Colts right now…..”

    It’s probably that god awful beard the quarterback was sporting.

  • dingojack

    A short musical interlude.

    Dingo

  • wreck

    Speaking as a Bears fan, I’m glad the FSM stuck it to the Packers in such crushing fashion.

  • http://kamakanui.zenfolio.com Kamaka

    That’s God setting it up

    Sure, you know what god is up to, uh-huh. You’d think, though, that an all-powerful supernatural entity could do better than take part in the worst NFL playoff game ever.

  • tmscott

    “I found Wilson afterward, and asked him about the four picks, and going from the worst game of his life to the most exhilarating in the span of eight minutes of game time.”

    Clearly God was trying to improve the point spread for the last quarter.

  • Trebuchet

    God loves Russell so much that He’s going to make sure the footballs are properly inflated for the upcoming game.

  • tubi

    God clearly hates the shit out of Brandon Bostick.

  • Martin Zeichner

    People are self centered. That’s why you are a special snowflake and god hates everyone you hate.

    Do you expect athletes to be less self centered than, let’s say, politicians?

  • andysci

    I mean, I guess a truly omnipotent being would have no limits on their powers or ability to multitask, so it’s not like meddling with a game would really be a waste of God’s time. Still, these people truly have a gift for inflating their own self-importance while trying to make it look like humility.

    I think this Wondermark strip is a blending of religion and sports that I could really get behind, though:

    http://wondermark.com/1k67/

  • gilesva

    Just after the game, his comment lead to a very good discussion between my 15 year old and his grandmother, where he pointed out how Russell was trying to sound humble, but was in fact stating that ‘God loves me more than the other team’

    At first she didn’t buy it, trying to argue that he was just giving thanks for what god gave him. My son countered that if the other team had won, their quarterback would be saying the same thing. She did not have a good answer for him, and I grew quite a bit prouder of him.