Nugent Can’t Believe His Own Words Indict Him

Ted Nugent likes to talk. He loves to make outrageous statements and shock people. And now he’s feigning surprise that people actually believe some of the statements he’s made in the past. He’s particularly upset with Wendy Davis, who made an issue of his support for Greg Abbott during the Texas gubernatorial campaign last year:

According to the Motor City Madman, there were a “gang of punks” on the Internet that monitored everything he did.

“And they literally will put quotes around words that never came out of my mouth,” he said, citing Democratic Texas state Sen. Wendy Davis’ campaign for governor.

“Before we kicked her ass royal,” he opined. “Her entire campaign was attacking and lying about me, calling me a draft dodger. I’m not. Calling me a racist. I’m not. Calling me a pedophile, Ed. I’m not.”

So let’s look at all three of those claims. Where did anyone get the idea that Nugent was a draft dodger? From Nugent himself, of course. In a 1977 interview, he explained how he got out of the draft for Vietnam:

Interviewer: How did you get out of the draft?

Ted Nugent: Ted was a young boy, appearing to be a hippie but quite opposite in fact, working hard and playing hard, playing rock and roll like a deviant. People would question my sanity, I played so much. So I got my notice to be in the draft. Do you think I was gonna lay down my guitar and go play army? Give me a break! I was busy doin’ it to it. I had a career Jack. If I was walkin’ around, hippying down, getting’ loaded and pickin’ my ass like your common curs, I’d say “Hey yeah, go in the army. Beats the poop out of scuffin’ around in the gutters.” But I wasn’t a gutter dog. I was a hard workin’, mother****in’ rock and roll musician.

I got my physical notice 30 days prior to. Well, on that day I ceased cleansing my body. No more brushing my teeth, no more washing my hair, no baths, no soap, no water. Thirty days of debris build. I stopped shavin’ and I was 18, had a little scraggly beard, really looked like a hippie. I had long hair, and it started gettin’ kinky, matted up. Then two weeks before, I stopped eating any food with nutritional value. I just had chips, Pepsi, beer-stuff I never touched-buttered poop, little jars of Polish sausages, and I’d drink the syrup, I was this side of death, Then a week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. poop, piss the whole shot. My pants got crusted up.

See, I approached the whole thing like, Ted Nugent, cool hard-workin’ dude, is gonna wreak havoc on these imbeciles in the armed forces. I’m gonna play their own game, and I’m gonna destroy ’em. Now my whole body is crusted in poop and piss. I was ill. And three or four days before, I started stayin’ awake. I was close to death, but I was in control. I was extremely antidrug as I’ve always been, but I snorted some crystal methedrine. Talk about one wounded motherf*cker. A guy put up four lines, and it was for all four of us, but I didn’t know and I’m vacuuming that poop right up. I was a walking, talking hunk of human poop. I was six-foot-three of sin. So the guys took me down to the physical, and my nerves, my emotions were distraught. I was not a good person. I was wounded. But as painful and nauseous as it was — ’cause I was really into bein’ clean and on the ball — I made gutter swine hippies look like football players. I was deviano.

So I went in, and those guys in uniform couldn’t believe the smell. They were ridiculin’ me and pushin’ me around and I was cryin’, but all the time I was laughin’ to myself. When they stuck the needle in my arm for the blood test I passed out, and when I came to they were kicking me into the wall. Then they made everybody take off their pants, and I did, and this sergeant says, “Oh my God, put those back on! You f*cking swine you!” Then they had a urine test and I couldn’t piss, But my poop was just like ooze, man, so I poop in the cup and put it on the counter. I had poop on my hand and my arm. The guy almost puked. I was so proud. I knew I had these chumps beat. The last thing I remember was wakin’ up in the ear test booth and they were sweepin’ up. So I went home and cleaned up.

They took a putty knife to me. I got the street rats out of my hair, ate some good steaks, beans, potatoes, cottage cheese, milk. A couple of days and I was ready to kick ass. And in the mail I got this big juicy 4-F. They’d call dead people before they’d call my ass. But you know the funny thing about it? I’d make an incredible army man. I’d be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I’d have the baddest bunch of motherf*ckin’ killers you’d ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn’t into it. I was too busy doin’ my own thing, you know?

When that made him look bad later, he claimed that he had made it all up. But once you claim you were lying before, why should anyone believe that you aren’t lying now about lying, especially when you have a clear interest in lying now that you didn’t have then?

How about the racism? In a 1990 interview with the Detroit Free Press, he defended his frequent use of the word “nigger” by saying it’s okay because he “hang[s] around with a lot of niggers.” He also had this to say about apartheid in South Africa:

The 40,000-acre ranch he manages in South Africa is a particularly sore point. The ranch is used exclusively for bow hunting, Nugent’s passion.

“My being there isn’t going to affect any political structure,” he says. “Besides, apartheid isn’t that cut-and-dry. All men are not created equal.”

“The preponderance of South Africa is a different breed of man,” Nugent says. “I mean that with no disrespect. I say that with great respect. I love them because I’m one of them. They are still people of the earth, but they are different. They still put bones in their noses, they still walk around naked, they wipe their butts with their hands. And when I kill an antelope for ’em, their preference is the gut pile. That’s what they f***ing want to eat, the intestines. These are different people. You give ’em toothpaste, they f***ing eat it…I hope they don’t become civilized. They’re way ahead of the game.”

Sounds awfully racist to me. How about the pedophilia? Technically, it’s ephebophilia as he seems to have confined his predilections to young girls past the age of puberty. But again, this claim comes from Nugent himself. He once talked a pair of parents into signing over guardianship for their 17 year old daughter to him so he could keep on legally having sex with her. He referred to this in a VH1 documentary:

The “pedophile” charge was most likely referring to a 1998 VH1 documentary where Nugent said that he had a history with young girls.

“I was addicted to girls. It was hopeless. It was beautiful,” Nugent said at the time. “I got the stamp of approval of their parents… I guess they figured better Ted Nugent than some drug-infested punk in high school.”

In the song “Jailbait,” Nugent sang about his affection for young girls: “Well, I don’t care if you’re just 13 / You look too good to be true.”

Gosh Ted, I can’t imagine how anyone could possibly get the idea that you’re a pedophile except by, you know, your own words. This is what happens for a total bullshit artist — sometimes your bullshit backfires on you.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Pierce R. Butler

    And then he crapped his pants again, when they told him to sit on the dreaded Group W bench.

  • Donnie

    If I had Koch money, I would run a 2-minute political ad (or series of 30 second ads) with a voice over based upon video / pictures of Ted Nugent with all the republican GOP candidates while repeating each paragraph above. Because the ad is political, the networks would be required to run it (though they could put a disclaimer on it).

    The Tea Party base would love it. The remaining 75% of the voters?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    The ranch is used exclusively for bow hunting, Nugent’s passion.

    Now I have some respect for Ted Nugent. Have you ever tried bow hunting? It’s hard. They’re such a slender target.

  • Doug Little

    Donnie, there’s always Kickstarter. I wonder how much you could rustle up.

  • http://mostlyrational.net tacitus

    YouTube. The trick is to have the series go viral, and the news shows of some of the local TV stations in the home towns of the featured politicians would probably show clips for free.

  • Nemo

    It’s kind of interesting to see that, even as far back as 1977, even while describing his draft evasion technique, he thought of himself in right-wing terms — “hard working”, “clean”, “the opposite of a hippie”, etc.

    Also, what an asshole.

  • dingojack

    Yep nothing says ‘clean’ like bulging brown underpants. Good thinking, Nuge!

    @@ Dingo

  • anubisprime

    dingojack @ 7

    Yep nothing says ‘clean’ like bulging brown underpants

    Was that penchant not the default for the raving right wing, that always sound as if their panties are full of something?

  • thebookofdave

    So I went home and cleaned up.

    You missed the spot beneath your scalp. Now it seems to have developed into a nasty infected abscess, appearing as an explosive discharge every time you open your mouth. I realize you aren’t holding any valuables up there, but seriously dude, you need to get that checked out. It’s getting so the rest of us can longer stand to be near you without ear and nose plugs.