Trump Explains How He Would Fight ISIS

Donald Trump, still pretending that he might actually run for president (and I really hope he does), appeared at CPAC, the only group of people who can still listen to him without giggling. And he offered his vision for how he would fight ISIS, with absolutely no substance whatsoever.

In addition to “taking back jobs from China” and “making America rich again,” Trump revealed his very serious solution for dealing with ISIS: “Hit them so hard and so fast that they wouldn’t know what happened.”

“Nobody, if I decide to run and win,” said Trump, “nobody would be tougher [on ISIS] than Donald Trump. Nobody.”

Trump said he would find some amazing general in the military and put them in charge with instructions that “you gotta hit ’em hard, you gotta hit ’em firm and you can’t play games. You gotta go hard and fast and firm.”

That’s it? Hard and fast and firm? What about strong? And relentless? Come on Donald, get out your thesaurus, or hire someone else to get it out, and offer a bunch of other macho-sounding words without actually saying anything of substance at all.

httpv://youtu.be/66RR7Ka6ZyQ

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  • eric

    …and I really hope he does…

    Not me. Sure, he’s great comedy fodder, but I’d like to watch a couple of the debates without having to waste my time on the noncontenders.

  • John Pieret

    You gotta go hard and fast and firm.

    I bet if the Donald knew anything about hard and fast and firm, Ivana never would have left him.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Can’t you just see it now?

    Trump: “You’re FIRED!!!1!” (smirks)

    ISIL: (sobs)

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    “Hit them so hard and so fast that they wouldn’t know what happened.”

    Like they’d be unable to figure out who had just hit them so hard? See, the thing about overt military attacks is that they’re…OVERT. It’s not that hard to figure out what’s happened after it’s happened.

    Maybe Trump is thinking the folks at ISIL would mistake our bombers and drones for a Russian attack, and start beheading Russians instead of Westerners. He’s rich, so he must be clever, right?

    Or maybe he’s just a bombastic chickenhawk who doesn’t know jack shit…?

  • karmacat

    It’s like the pro wrestling of policies

  • alanb

    Trump said he would find some amazing general in the military and put them in charge with instructions that “you gotta hit ‘em hard, you gotta hit ‘em firm and you can’t play games. You gotta go hard and fast and firm.”

    That’s brilliant. Nobody else in the history of forever would have thought of that.

  • felicis

    I wonder just what criteria he would use to find that ‘amazing general’ in the US military? What if the joint chiefs pointed out the problems with his ‘strategic thinking’? Would they still be ‘amazing’?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    eric “Sure, he’s great comedy fodder, but I’d like to watch a couple of the debates without having to waste my time on the noncontenders.”

    Obviously, but with the noncontenders gone they’d have to book Eastwood to come yell at the empty stage.

  • Synfandel

    Maybe Trump’s campaign theme song could be April Wine’s cover of Twenty-first Century Schizoid Man from the album “Harder…Faster“.

  • wreck

    Trump could acquire ISIL in a leveraged buyout. If history is any guide, they’d soon be bankrupt.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    wreck,

    “Trump ISIS is the best country, with the classiest rooms and the most comfortable beds anywhere. Try Trump ISIS. I promise…take my word for it…you’ll be blown away.” ~ Donald Trump, on Trump ISIS

  • eric

    @8: well someone’s going to win the GOP primary. Then someone has to win the general. So there will be at least two contenders, and I’d like to watch them without Trump taking up screen time.

    Though I have to admit that every election cycle it seems more and more like Kang vs. Kodos. Walker’s recent comment on net neutrality made about as much sense as “We must move Forward, Not backwards, Upwards, not forward and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!”

  • Mr Ed

    An effective strategy is to attack without regard to the civilian population. Instead of surgical strikes we carpet bomb, instead of support for moderates we fire bomb like Dresden or Tokyo. This would defeat ISIS quickly. It might have repercussions but we can worry about them tomorrow after our victory lap.

  • bahrfeldt

    Trumpelstiltkin will not run because he would have to reveal that, as a real estate typhoon, he has never paid a penny in income taxes, probably primarily legally. Based on the concept that a brand new structure, consistently and properly maintained and repaired, will be absolutely worthless in less than thirty years. And the supposed annual loss of value is deductible as are the repairs and other real and imagined expenses. Unless, of course he could manage, like Mike Bloomberg did on the NYC mayoral level, to “convince” an compliant judge with the proper authority, that revealing said information would seriously harm his employees and investors.

    Oh, and John @2- No, it was merely good Xtian paid-for serial adultery.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    eric “@8: well someone’s going to win the GOP primary. Then someone has to win the general.”

    I won the general once. I was hoping for Ike, but got MacArthur. I couldn’t turn my back without him trying to invade China. Then one day someone left the gate open and he got hit by a car. We had to put him down. The kids cried, but it’s better to get lessons like that out of the way while they’re young, I find. In an event, it’s still better than the time Santa got stuck in our chimney, and we didn’t find out until a cold snap in the middle of January.

  • Donnie

    In addition to “taking back jobs from China” and “making America rich again,”

    So, The Trump is planning on relocating his clothing manufacturing business back from China and other countries to America?

    So, The Trump is planning raising taxes for millionaires, repeal tax loopholes for corporations by lowering corporate income taxes by charging a flat 20% rate for all global income for american business with no ‘grandfather’ clause on income currently sheltered in offshore accounts?

    So, The Trump is planning on changing the tax code to charge investment income and distributions at a 35% tax rate?

  • arakasi

    He’ll airdrop the teacup shoggoth he wears on his head into Mosul. Once released from the elder sign Trump has engraved on his scalp, the creature will destroy all living things with a 10-mile radius. Repeat as necessary.

  • kenn

    Trump said he would find some amazing general in the military and put them in charge

    We can’t dig up Eisenhower just for that.

  • colnago80

    Trump said he would find some amazing general in the military and put them in charge with instructions that “you gotta hit ‘em hard, you gotta hit ‘em firm and you can’t play games

    Ole “hold ’em by the nose and kick ’em in the ass” George Patton died 70 years ago.

  • colnago80

    Re Mr. Ed @ #13

    Nah, a half dozen 15 megaton bombs would be cheaper.

  • tbp1

    All the President’s critics are long on tough talk, short on actual details as to how to achieve their goals. For that matter, it’s not at all clear what their goals even are.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    tbp1 “For that matter, it’s not at all clear what their goals even are.”

    The goal(*1) is to stand in opposition to The Enemy(*2).

     

    *1. It’s also the tactic to get to the goal, which is a real time saver.

    *2. Obama(*3)

    *3. Later, Clinton.

  • Donnie

    colnago80 says

    March 3, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    Re Mr. Ed @ #13

    Nah, a half dozen 15 megaton bombs would be cheaper.

    Or 15 megatons on Israel, am I right. Get the jews out of Israel and a major western headache is gone. My question is why are you so gung-ho for Muslim genocide when perfecting Jewish genocide would be much easier to accomplish if your goal is middle east peace?

    Or, are you just a lick stain, shit hole? You are no better then your best friend, comrade in arms, buddy Hitler. You two would get each other off trying to figure out different methods of genocide.

  • colnago80

    Re Donnie @ #23

    If the State of Israel disappeared tomorrow morning, it would not have the slightest effect on the ISIL. In case you haven’t noticed, they have been busily attacking just about everybody in the Middle East except Israel (Iraq, Syria, Egypt for starters).

  • jnorris

    I really want to know how Mr Trump would take jobs back from China and what does “making America rich again” mean. Serious now, please tell us Oh Wise One.

  • Donnie

    Maybe not, but it puts your callous disregard for human life because you would bomb any middle eastern country, damn the civilians, if you could get your genocidal masturbatory jollies off. Iran, Syria, Lebanon. Your solution is too Nuke any Muslim country under the cover of ‘terrorists’.

    The difference is if Israel was nuked off the map, you would be screaming at the top of your lungs to nuke the country responsible. If Iran was nuked off the map by Israel, you would be jumping for joy.

    Thus, you are no better than your man-love, Hitler.

  • dingojack

    Trump said: “Nobody, if I decide to run and win, nobody would be tougher [on ISIS] than Donald Trump. Nobody.”

    So Trump thinks he’s the one deciding if he’ll run, and he’s the one deciding if he’ll win. There’s a couple of Kochs who’ll be contesting that assumption, Donnie-boy.

    ——

    MO (#15) — did ya call him “ol’ Yella”?

    ——

    SLC (# oh everywhere) — as usual, you’re neglecting the world-wide cold, darkness and long-term droughts. Cheaper? Perhaps on the scale of hours, on the scale of decades — not so much.

    Dingo

  • steve78b

    I vote to airdrop the Chump on ISIS. It could work, or at least be amusing.

  • davek23

    “Nobody would be tougher [on ISIS] than Donald Trump. Nobody.”

    So vote Nobody for president!

  • dingojack

    davek23 – 91,104,821voters (as of Nov 6, 2012) can’t be rong!

    😉 Dingo

  • Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    @steve78b:

    I vote to airdrop the Chump on ISIS. It could work,

    Oh, it absolutely **would** work, probability = 100%.

    For certain values of “work”.

  • dingojack

    Trump Explains How He Would Fight ISIS

    Method similar to brave, brave Sir Robin.

    Dingo