Don’t Eat the Lesbian Communist Cookies!

Kevin Swanson of Generations Radio has an important message for all God-fearing Americans: Don’t eat the evil lesbian communist Girl Scout cookies because they’ll turn your daughters into lesbians who drive Subarus, listen to the Indigo Girls and hate the baby Jesus.

Today on “Generations Radio,” Religious Right pundit Kevin Swanson repeated his criticisms of the Girl Scouts, which he previously said is a “wicked” organization that is turning young girls into lesbian communists. “Please, I beg of you, do not buy Girl Scout cookies,” he said at the time. “Please, I beg of you, stop buying Girl Scout cookies.”

Swanson insisted on today’s program that he isn’t “backing away” from the Girl Scouts issue because the organization corrupts children and, as Jesus said in the Gospel of Matthew, “If you offend one of these little ones who believes in me, it would be better for you that a millstone be hanged around your neck and you be drowned at the bottom of the sea.”

That’s damn clever of them, hiding the lesbian communism inside a box of Thin Mints, the most delicious cookie ever invented. But since I’m a man who is already attracted to women and certainly not a communist, I assume it’s safe for me to eat them. And I shall do that, one box at a time (that is, of course, the proper serving size).

[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/194244987″ params=”color=ff5500″ width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

POPULAR AT PATHEOS Nonreligious
What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Trebuchet

    One box at a time? I propose an alternative.

    My late father’s philosophy was that half a cookie had no calories. Ten minutes later, the other half didn’t have any either.

    You can apply that to boxes as well!

    My mother hated the Girl Scout cookie sale — because she worked for the organisation and it was a colossal PITA for her. Something must have rubbed off on me, because I wound up being attracted to women and am reading FTB!

  • Akira MacKenzie

    Mmmmmmm… I like to take Thin Mints, pop one into my mouth, take a drink of black coffee and let the communist lesbianism melt in my mouth.

  • John Pieret

    I think we should hold Kevin Swanson down and force him to eat thin mints (yummmm!) and see how long it takes him to become a lesbian.

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    “Lesbian Communist Cookies”

    I didn’t know they came in that flavour!!

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    But since I’m a man who is already attracted to women…

    Do you know who else likes women? Lesbians!

  • scienceavenger

    But the Indigo Girls love baby Jesus.

  • robertfaber

    Ed, I worked at Camp Anna Behrens in the kitchen one summer back in college. The girl scout leaders are Subaru driving, Indigo Girls listening, flannel wearing lesbians. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t like cookies unless they are fresh baked.

  • LightningRose

    Every year I buy a few boxes just to help out, but the truth is they’re not very good cookies.

  • MikeMa

    I don’t buy the cookies precisely because of Ed’s accurate description of the serving size – one box. But I do give the munchkins standing in the freezing cold in front of the food store a few bucks for no cookies because I think they have a good program in spite of right wing morons pronouncements.

  • Chiroptera

    Huh. Every year I end up buying two to four boxes, depending on how many times I run across a group of girl scouts selling them. GSA being a pretty positive organization makes it all the better.

  • moarscienceplz

    That’s damn clever of them, hiding the lesbian communism inside a box of Thin Mints, the most delicious cookie ever invented.

    You are wrong, Buffalo-Breath!

    The best GS cookies are Samoas. I think I’ll buy a couple of extra boxes this year in honor of Kevin Swanson.

  • Trebuchet

    @10: You’ve just caused my late mother to sit up yelling in her grave. The organization is GSUSA, not GSA. That was probably her biggest pet peeve.

  • Chiroptera

    Trebushet, #12:

    Oh, we’re talking about Girl Scouts? I thought the cookies were sold by the Geological Society of America. Sorry.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Trebuchet “GSUSA”

    Gesundheit.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    Damn, the lesbian communist cookies are the best kind they sell! How am I going to find a substitute?

    I didn’t know they came in that flavour!!

    I see what you did there…

  • caseloweraz

    Moarscienceplz: The best GS cookies are Samoas. I think I’ll buy a couple of extra boxes this year in honor of Kevin Swanson.

    Be careful! You eat enough of those, you’ll turn into a pre-civilization Pacific islander — or into Margaret Mead, whichever Kevin Swanson thinks is worse.

  • caseloweraz

    If there were grades for wingnuttery like there are for cuts of meat, today’s selection would be A-number-1-choice.

  • Uncle Ebeneezer

    Why does this idiot want to deny these young girls one of their many pins?

  • Uncle Ebeneezer

    Whoops, I screwed the hyperlink pooch. It was supposed to go here:

    http://www.zaiusnation.com/stuff/zaius/moosic2/gsuniform.jpg

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_R2XG9CnOj8 Olav

    Ed:

    But since I’m a man who is already attracted to women and certainly not a communist,

    I, myself, am not so certain that I am not a communist. And I am less certain every day.

  • Sastra

    They’re pissed off that the Girl Scouts thinks that any girl who wants to become a scout — wants to make friends, learn skills, and help her community — should be allowed to join without a religious litmus test. There is no self-conscious smug announcement that ONLY girls who believe in GOD can become the BEST kind of citizens. No, they allow girls to leave off the “serve God” part of the pledge on the assumption that doing so doesn’t automatically negate the rest of it. It’s no big deal.

    And as far as I know, they’ve never made a show of kicking someone out just because they were gay.

    Clearly this is a dangerous organization.

  • weatherwax

    I used to think Thin Mints were the best cookies in the world, but now I saved and I know Tagalogs are.

  • Erp

    Strictly speaking girls are suppose to modify that part of the promise to something that fits their beliefs not just drop it. Some Girl Scout/Girl Guide national organizations have reworded the promise to drop the word ‘God’. For instance Australia has

    I promise that I will do my best

    To be true to myself and develop my beliefs

    To serve my community and Australia

    And live by the Guide Law

    Canada has

    I Promise to do my best,

    To be true to myself, my beliefs and Canada

    I will take action for a better world

    And respect the Guiding Law

    BTW the Girl Scout law has no equivalent to the Boy Scouts of America’s ‘a scout is reverent’

    I will do my best to be

    honest and fair,

    friendly and helpful,

    considerate and caring,

    courageous and strong, and

    responsible for what I say and do,

    and to

    respect myself and others,

    respect authority,

    use resources wisely,

    make the world a better place, and

    be a sister to every Girl Scout.

  • Lady Mondegreen

    And as far as I know, they’ve never made a show of kicking someone out just because they were gay

    The Girl Scouts explicitly welcome lesbian and transgender girls and women as Scouts and leaders.