Keyes: What If We All Become Gay?

Alan Keyes was one of the bigots who spoke at that National Press Club press conference a couple weeks ago and he delivered his usual incoherence. He says that if you’re concerned about climate change, you should really be upset about gay marriage because…what happens if we all turned gay?

He explained that “if we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our sexual preference is homosexual” and “we shall have nothing to do with the opposite sex,” then we would turn to scientists to meddle with DNA in an effort to carry on the species, which would ultimately lead to human extinction.

“Our friends in the ‘global climatological change movement’ or whatever they’re calling it these days” should oppose gay rights, he said, because “they want us to understand that there’s a common good, not just of all humanity but of all creation and if we do something to damage all creation, we’ve done something that’s just intolerable.”

Does that really strike you as a plausible element, Alan? If it does, then you’re a fucking moron. And if it doesn’t, you’re deliberately making idiotic arguments to convince other fucking morons.

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  • http://drx.typepad.com Dr X

    What if all the women in the world woke up tomorrow and found that they were Catholic nuns?

  • Chiroptera

    He explained that “if we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our sexual preference is homosexual” and “we shall have nothing to do with the opposite sex,”

    I say that we wait to see whether that turns out to be a problem, and if it is then we’ll figure out how to deal with it then.

    Or is that just me?

  • brucegee1962

    they want us to understand that there’s a common good, not just of all humanity but of all creation and if we do something to damage all creation, we’ve done something that’s just intolerable

    There’s also the fairly obvious point that, from the perspective of an ecologist, if anything were to happen that would cause the human population of the planet to plummet precipitously, that would be bad for us but just dandy for most of the rest of “creation.” If you think that what’s good for us is good for every other species, then you’ve been not paying attention in a truly gobsmacking fashion.

  • karmacat

    He seems to think that lesbian women can’t become pregnant, especially if there is sperm donation. But then he must think sperm is sacred, and that it shouldn’t be constrained by test tubes

  • wreck

    “if we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our sexual preference is homosexual”

    The glitter market would go through the roof!

  • eric

    “if we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our sexual preference is homosexual” and “we shall have nothing to do with the opposite sex,” then we would turn to scientists to meddle with DNA in an effort to carry on the species

    But remember, if we don’t legalize SSM then all these gay-by-choice men and women will instead have biological kids within a heterosexual marriage.

    I wonder if they are aware of the complete inconsistency of their various arguments…and if they are, whether they consider that self-inconsistency a flaw or a feature.

  • http://composer99.blogspot.ca composer99

    Well, Alan, I can’t say that “waking up gay” is something I ever plan on worrying about, unlike global warming, which is demonstrably screwing over my son’s future.

  • http://composer99.blogspot.ca composer99

    Also, is the ridiculously contrived hypothetical the last refuge of the scoundrel?

  • colnago80

    Re karmacat @ #4

    Case in point, Mary Cheney.

  • https://usmiechkota.wordpress.com Mariusz Butrykowski

    Stereotypes aside, it would probably cause most religions to fail and dissolve overnight, kill patriarchy and be a milestone on the way to world peace and prosperity. And it could be fun?

    @Karmacat (#4): *humming the Monty Python song*

  • scienceavenger

    He says that if you’re concerned about climate change, you should really be upset about gay marriage because…what happens if we all turned gay?

    There would be less climate change due to the reduction in methane emmissions? [ducks and runs]

  • John Pieret

    What if we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our mental preference is moron? Why, we’d all be wingnut wankers like Keyes and the human species would die out because we couldn’t figure out how the whole birds and bees thingie works.

  • roggg

    They really are worried that they might like the penis after all. Hmmm…very interesting.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    karmacat “He seems to think that lesbian women can’t become pregnant, especially if there is sperm donation.”

    I worked door-to-door for a charity that accepted sperm donations. The pay was great, but I burned it all on soap.

  • Chiroptera

    “He explained that “if we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our sexual preference is homosexual” and “we shall have nothing to do with the opposite sex,”

    What would be different if we all woke up gay tomorrow while same sex marriage isn’t universally recognized?

  • Big Boppa

    ….“we shall have nothing to do with the opposite sex,” then we would turn to scientists to meddle with DNA in an effort to carry on the species, which would ultimately lead to human extinction.

    Or maybe, we’d become a society of homo-cyborgs. Wouldn’t that be fabulous!

  • blf

    I like the idea of waking up and finding all the oil wells are plugged with cement, all the oil tankers are filled with cement, and all the oil refineries are clogged with cement. Even better if the cement was made by some zero-emissions process from ground-up eejits.

    (There would, of course, be serious problems. Two examples: In the very short term, a fair number of tanker crews who probably need rescuing from the now overloaded tankers; and then a lack of fertilizer.)

  • Sastra

    Even more evidence that a lot of anti-gay-marriage bigots think they’re on solid ground with the Categorical Imperative. “Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law.” But instead of looking at the larger issue regarding the universal freedom to get married, they apply it to the special circumstance of being homosexual. Let’s make “being gay” the universal law. Now the consequences are scaaary.

    Using the same reasoning we would have no oboes in any orchestra, because an orchestra made of nothing but oboes would have a very limited repertoire and appeal.

    Maybe a screwed up understanding of Kantian deontological moral philosophy explains why they think gay marriage will prevent all marriages.

  • Saad

    [Keyes] explained that “if we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our sexual preference is homosexual”…

    Or worse.

    If we all woke up tomorrow morning and declared that our sexual preference is homosexual and that there is no god but Allah and Muhammad was his prophet.

  • dingojack

    He explained that “if we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our sexual preference is homosexual” and “we shall have nothing to do with the opposite sex, … “

    let me just stop you there Alan –

    firstly, is the answer: we’d all be much, much more fabulous? And secondly, the kind of people not associating with the opposite sex are more likely to be (allegedly) celibate religious practitioners and virulent fundies, like yourself Alan, not gay people (or even normal people more generally, for that matter).

    … then we would turn to scientists to meddle with DNA in an effort to carry on the species, which would ultimately lead to human extinction”.

    So, Alan. You think infertile couples immediately resort to gene-splicing to solve their difficulties in conceiving? They don’t try any other methods first – at all?

    Also, I hate to break it to you Alan but you don’t actually have to be attracted to someone to successfully have sex with them or successfully create a pregnancy (rapists, unfortunately, are an example of this). It simply needs sperm to meet egg.*

    And just one last thing, Alan, I’d like a few citations that prove that ‘meddling with genes’ automatically, and inevitably, leads to extinction. To my knowledge Wheat, Corn, Horses, Cattle, Sheep, Chickens, Dogs and Cats aren’t actually extinct. (In fact aren’t the last two supposedly shacked up together in your febrile little imagination?)

    Perhaps you should talk to someone (if not a good psychiatrist, then a least a OBY/GYN) your knowledge about human sex and sexuality is easily out-stripped by that of the average eight-year old.

    Dingo

    ———

    * it might surprise you Alan, that pregnancy, might not be the reason for having sex at all. Some people – you might want to sit down for this – do it only for pleasure! In that case no sperm meets egg is required.

  • John Horstman

    YOU GUYS: what if we woke up tomorrow and the ratio of leprechauns to unicorns had doubled?! Disorder! Pandemonium! Green buckle hats!!!

  • dingojack

    Blockquote failure!! The bit beginning ‘So Alan…’ should be outside the blockquote (obviously).

    Dingo

  • dingojack

    What if we woke up tomorrow and the ratio of dogs to cats had fallen sharply overnight? Would we be forced to shack up with the latter?

    Dingo

  • dingojack

    John Horstman – the upside — more lucky charms!

    Dingo

  • Hoosier X

    What if we all woke up one morning and President Jeb Bush had appointed Alan Keyes to the Supreme Court and Justice Scalia said, “I like your style” and they both started obsessing about forced marriages between dogs and cats? Huh? What then? You don’t have an answer for THAT, do ya? Libtards!

  • dingojack

    If everyone woke-up gay, would Nebraska women, Sylvia Driskell, be forced to sue herself?!?

    Dingo

  • lldayo

    I can see AMC readying up another killer show. “The Fabulous Dead” will be about small groups of Christians trying to survive in a world where almost everyone else has turned gay using Bibles and prayer. Kirk Cameron will star as Richard Johnson and it will feature musical numbers, gorgeous outfits and a wide array of margaritas.

  • chilidog99

    Wow. Talk about reveling your own personal, sexual insecurity.

  • chilidog99

    Dr X @ 1:

    What if all the women in the world woke up tomorrow and found that they were Catholic nuns?

    The world would be a lot quieter.

  • whheydt

    Looks like someone gave Keyes a copy of Joe Haldeman’s The Forever War and he didn’t understand that it is fiction.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    “…what happens if we all turned gay?” Seriously? That argument dates back to the ’70s, and I first heard it from a woman who was using birth-control pills. I countered it by asking what would happen if all women started taking the pill…and that’s the last time I heard that “argument” seriously advanced.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    I can see AMC readying up another killer show. “The Fabulous Dead” will be about small groups of Christians trying to survive in a world where almost everyone else has turned gay using Bibles and prayer.

    Maybe Pox Day could make a video-game based on that theme, where you get points for using Bibles and prayer to get as many gay people as possible to reproduce…

  • Saad

    chilidog99, #29

    Piss off.

  • http://festeringscabofrealityblogspot.com fifthdentist

    Has anyone noted that in recent years as the earth has warmed, the homosexuals are demanding special rights — like being treated like everyone else? That’s something suspicious.

  • dingojack

    Alan — And what if I stuck an inflated washing-up glove over the pizzle of a bull? Would it suddenly become a cow? (And would you drink it’s ‘milk’?)

    [This has been Idiotic Alan Keyes Questions # 24,787,533 to # 24,787,536 —

    Collect the whole set!]

    @@ Dingo

  • theguy

    “Our friends in the ‘global climatological change movement’ or whatever they’re calling it these days”

    Moron.

    “they want us to understand that there’s a common good”

    Yeah – don’t shit where you eat.

    “not just of all humanity but of all creation and if we do something to damage all creation, we’ve done something that’s just intolerable.”

    Well, homophobia damages not just gay people but also straight people.

    I wonder what counts as “damaging” creation. Genetically modified organisms that have increased crop yields?

    Even if somehow everybody turned gay, and if somehow nobody was doing penis-in-vagina sex to make baybays, I suppose the government would just organize a massive artificial insemination program to compensate.

    @18

    “Let’s make “being gay” the universal law. Now the consequences are scaaary.

    Using the same reasoning we would have no oboes in any orchestra, because an orchestra made of nothing but oboes would have a very limited repertoire and appeal.”

    I know you’re being sarcastic, but I want to add something here. The “universal law” shouldn’t be either “lets all have straight marriages” or “lets all have gay marriages” it should be “let’s all have marriages between two consenting adults based on mutual sexual and romantic attraction.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/eo.raptor.3 eoraptor

    You know, it must be terrible being a fundie, living with such high levels of cortisol induced by fear and stress. It’s amazing that the fundie homeland isn’t suffering from obesity and heart disease.

    Oh, wait…

    See here

    And here

  • caseloweraz

    What if everyone in the world woke up tomorrow and discovered they were Alan Keyes? (For purposes of discussion, I include the ISS crew.) That’s just as likely as what Alan Keyes imagines could happen.

  • Kermit Sansoo

    theguy says: I know you’re being sarcastic, but I want to add something here. The “universal law” shouldn’t be either “lets all have straight marriages” or “lets all have gay marriages” it should be “let’s all have marriages between two consenting adults based on mutual sexual and romantic attraction.”

    .

    They don’t do “consenting adults. You say those words, they hear “Bark! Bark! Bark!”.

    .

    Morality for them is a list of rules from Abusive Sky Daddy. And if you can’t get the rule you want, then it’s the worst possible alternative, for the world is simple, black and white, good and evil. “Acting on moral principles” sounds, to their ears, exactly like “Let’s not listen to Abusive Sky Daddy anymore”.