The Spaghetti Prophet Speaks!

Our old friend Cindy Jacobs, the self-declared prophet of God with the bottomless bowl of spaghetti, has spoken with the Lord and he has provided her with a prophetic vision of where the country is headed. Terrible things, people, terrible things — unless, of course, they are “lessened through the prayers of the saints.” That’s a convenient out.

It doesn’t take a prophet to know that our nation is at a significant crossroads.

With so many voices swirling around and the news full of its own forecasts and predictions, what is the Holy Spirit saying to His people above the fray and noise? Since 1999, a group of respected prophets called the Apostolic Council of Prophetic Elders has met annually to ask this very question of the Lord.

For several years, the news was not good. Words from before 2008 were that, depending upon what happened in the next elections, America was on the brink of losing a measure of greatness in the world as a leader. Almost a year before the 2008 economic shaking, we knew that there would be “no more business as usual.”

Then, before the 2012 elections, we heard some good news—that God was going to give us a chance to regain what was lost.

In the years since then, the prophetic words have spoken both warnings about more coming shakings and promises of the spiritual renewal God wants to bring to our nation.

We received warnings of potential terrorist attacks, which were realized with the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013, as well as warnings about racial tensions escalating and cities burning from riots, which also proved accurate over the past year.

At the same time, the Holy Spirit revealed that we are on the verge of another Great Awakening and Jesus People movement. We are in a season of contrasts; in other words, the light will be very light and the dark very dark.

So what is God speaking right now about the future of the nation?

We know that more shakings are coming, and we have also heard that there are more terrorist “sleeper cells” spreading out across the nation. Economically, there are some turbulent times ahead, although they can be lessened through the prayers of the saints.

Women will determine the next election, and Asians will be the swing vote. The states will polarize on an even greater level, and some will threaten to break with the union if their state constitutions are violated.

Pastors will be increasingly pressured by out-of-control courts to preach only part of the Word; some will stand before the courts of the nation as a result. However, this will wake up the church to her finest days as she finds her voice in the governmental arena once again.

Threats from all types of radical extremist groups will be posed against Christian leaders, resulting in a shifting and sifting of hearts as some will compromise to avoid persecution.

Those who do not compromise, though, will find their churches aflame with the power of the Holy Spirit as the new “not ashamed” generation of millennials takes the field.

Colleges and universities will experience major moves of God. Even now, we are in the beginning stages of the next Great Awakening. Prayer is being mobilized on college campuses, and young revivalists are preaching across the land.

God does not reveal these things to cause us fear or discouragement; rather, He invites us to partner with Him as He fulfills His purpose for our nation. Let the warnings move you to pray, and let the promises move you to hope.

I just want to know if the bottomless spaghetti bowl also comes with unlimited salad and breadsticks. That way at least God will have as much “miracle” power as an Olive Garden shift manager.

POPULAR AT PATHEOS Nonreligious
What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • StevoR

    we have also heard that there are more terrorist “sleeper cells” spreading out across the nation.

    Well, better tell Homeland Security & other relevant agencies exactlywhere these are then hadn’t they? Y’know, precise names, places, etc ..

    Oh wait, they don’t actually have that? Very helpful that clairvoyant sphaghetti shit ain’t it?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Look, it’s really quite simple: the Holy Spirit is (again) warning His Prophets to warn the people to vote Republican. Why He doesn’t have a SuperPAC yet, I can’t fathom. Perhaps His way is better; He gets to advocate and gets the audience themselves to pay for it.

  • StevoR

    some will threaten to break with the union if their state constitutions are violated.

    Bit late getting *that* particular message weren’t you Cindy Jacobs? Sure you’re seeing the future and not say the Civil War? Isn’t Texas (& Alaska too* at times?) threatening to do that all the time?

    * One of the Palin clan I gather was an Alaskan seccessionist if unreliable memory serves?

  • StevoR

    NB. in #1 “they” = Cindy Jacobs, sorry, for some reason confused her with being an organisation. Yeah, bedtime overdue here.

  • John Pieret

    It doesn’t take a prophet to know that our nation is at a significant crossroads.

    That’s good … considering who’s talking.

  • StevoR

    ^ PPS. What’s with her – Cindy Jacob’s apparent constant use of ‘we’ here? That’s probably what threw me. Well one of the things anyhow!

  • dingojack

    “Our old friend Cindy Jacobs, the self-declared prophet of God with the bottomless bowl of spaghetti…”

    Is Cindy a closet Pastafarian? Come out from the back of that closet Cindy, come toward the light.

    😉 Dingo

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    @StevoR:

    Todd used to be a registered member of the Alaskan Independence Party.

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    @dingojack:

    I won’t believe that until appears in public wearing a colander or begins preaching about the beer volcanoes in heaven.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Aw hell – I saw the headline and rushed here to find out the newest revelations from Bobby Henderson!

    StevoR @ # 3: One of the Palin clan I gather was an Alaskan seccessionist if unreliable memory serves?

    Yup, the First Dude™, Todd Palin® his very own patriarchal self.

  • raven

    If anyone seccedes, it will end up like the end of the Soviet empire or Yugoslavia.

    1. There will be 5 or 6 new countries at the least.

    2. They will then settle their differences and boundaries with a decade or two of wars.

    3. It won’t be all bad though. California will be able to fix its water shortage problems.

    The neighboring states all have water. Or did. With 38 million people, Arizona and Oregon will then be known as the upper California watershed areas. After the water wars.

  • http://cycleninja.blogspot.com cycleninja

    Ed, that last paragraph was excellent. Well done.

  • felicis

    “the prophetic words have spoken both warnings about more coming shakings and promises of the spiritual renewal God wants to bring to our nation.”

    Well that’s one way to be right – both good things and bad things are going to happen in the future…

  • StevoR

    @ ^ felicis : yeah – but the oracle of Delphi beat her to it by over two thousand years though! (Probably a lot of other ancient oracles too.)

  • dingojack

    “It doesn’t take a prophet to know that our nation is at a significant crossroads”.

    Cool. Will we get to meet Robert Johnson?

    Dingo

  • petemoulton

    dingo: ’tis an event to be devoutly wished for…

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Colleges and universities will experience major moves of God

    I experienced a major move this morning. Was that too much information?

  • sinned34

    I recall hearing pretty much the exact same tripe in youth group way back in 1992. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

  • dingojack

    Marcus — but how we know? Doesn’t god move in mysterious ways?

    Dingo

  • sugarfrosted

    I just want to know if the bottomless spaghetti bowl also comes with unlimited salad and breadsticks.

    Sorry Ed, no unlimited salad. Though there is unlimited Fish and Breadsticks

  • dingojack

    sugarfrosted – what’s the policy on wine at this wedding?

    Dingo

  • Synfandel

    …has provided her with a prophetic vision of where the country is headed.

    One doesn’t need a prophesy. It’s observable. The country is headed around the planet and around the Sun and around the Milky Way.

  • Aaron

    When I was pretty young, 12 or 13, some friends and I created our own secret club. It was so cool! We had a clubhouse, our own rules, crimes, punishments, and goals.

    When I read about people like Cindy Jacobs all I can think is this; here are adults, still forming their own secret little clubs, gathering to discuss their imaginary rules and goals, and talking to their imaginary friend. It makes me laugh to consider how ridiculous their little club is.

    The only resounding difference between the club my friends and I had, and Cindy Jacobs group, is that we never told anyone else our fantasies and demand they be accepted as truth.

  • Artor

    Jacobs had prior knowledge of the Boston Marathon bombing, and didn’t tell anyone! What a fucking amoral monster!

    What exactly were these “prophecies” anyway? It’s really easy to pretend prophecy after the fact. Got anything you can tell us publicly that hasn’t happened yet? Specifically? Wars & rumors of war don’t cut it.

  • felidae

    a group of respected prophets called the Apostolic Council of Prophetic Elders has met annually to ask this very question of the Lord.

    And these prophets couldn’t call the 2012 election–I am totally underwhelmed by their prophetic abilities in light of their bombastic title

  • dingojack

    Since Cindy is a ‘spaghetti prophet’ – how appropriate that it’s all For a Few Dollars More.

    Dingo