The Perfect Response to Ted Cruz on Jade Helm 15

Ted Cruz has been busily stoking the fears of his paranoid followers over the Jade Helm 15 military exercise this summer and a writer at the Huffington Post has the perfect imagined response from the Pentagon to the letter Cruz wrote to them demanding to know whether the exercise was really a secret plot to take over Texas.

Dear Senator Cruz:

Thank you for your inquiry into whether the Jade Helm 15 military exercise is the first wave of a federal takeover of Texas, the Trojan Horse, as it were, of the end of sovereignty in the Lone Star State. Our response, contrary to the long tradition of official correspondence and military bureaucracy, is concise: no.

But that’s just what you would expect us to say, isn’t it?

Perhaps, then, you would prefer not an official proclamation but a reasoned answer. As a master debater in college (Princeton, right?), you surely appreciate the reliability of logic, your public statements over the past few years notwithstanding. If you are disinclined to take the United States Armed Forces at their word when we promise no ill intentions towards Texas, then perhaps your considerable and vaunted intellectual powers, which once posited the regrowth of hymens as a guard against unauthorized incursions in domestic affairs, could be swayed by incontrovertible fact.

I know you think highly of our capabilities. Why else would you advocate for a short war with Iran? If we are indeed that powerful, we could probably launch an attack from any of the 15 U.S. military bases already within Texas’ borders. While Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher may have found it necessary, even attractive, to invade countries that can easily be overrun, the present DoD considers such lopsided contests at best unsporting.

As someone who was not born within the borders of this country, it might interest you to know that Texas is already part of the United States. In fact, Texas has twice joined the Union. The first time your adopted state joined the USA in 1845 it set in motion events that led to the Mexican-American War. Later, when Union troops conquered the Southern rebellion, Texas rejoined the Union. It is not, therefore, farfetched to think that Texas’ relationship to the rest of the United States could involve war, but please also keep in mind that when we refer to the United States of America, Texas is being implicitly included. We thought about calling it the United States of America and Texas, but we were afraid people might think Texas was a retrograde backwater of reactionary lunatics who think Moses was a Founding Father and laugh at you. This is way better.

There’s more to it, read the whole thing. It’s freaking brilliant.

POPULAR AT PATHEOS Nonreligious
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  • Reginald Selkirk

    While Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher may have found it necessary, even attractive, to invade countries that can easily be overrun, the present DoD considers such lopsided contests at best unsporting.

    I doubt very much that sporting vs. unsporting enters into thinking at the real Pentagon. If you are going to war, you want to win with minimal casualties on your side. None of this “invading with one hand tied behind our backs” nonsense.

  • frankgturner

    While I agree that one tries to engage in combat with as few casualties as possible, one does not prepare (engage in military practice exercises) this way. Would you think it reasonable to practice a game of football with only one team? Teams practice against themselves by one side putting on a different color shirt and playing against each other, the military does the same thing (metaphorically speaking).

    .

    The old saying, “hope for the best but prepare for the worst” applies here. It is a moot point as this whole exercise by Cruz was to appeal to extremists and conspiracy apologists by telling them what they want to hear. The article is a great response to show how this can backfire. Trying to make everyone happy just can’t be done.

  • eric

    In fact, Texas has twice joined the Union. The first time your adopted state joined the USA in 1845 it set in motion events that led to the Mexican-American War.

    Care of poster “Just Bob” at the Panda’s thumb, a little context for why Texas joined the Union:

    1829: Last slaves are freed in Mexico.

    1830: Mexican president Anastasio Bustamante orders the abolition of slavery to be implemented also in Mexican Texas. To circumvent the law, Anglo colonists convert their slaves into “indentured servants for life”. [Eric: in fairness to Texans, over the next couple of years he also outlawed immigration into Texas from the US and imposed large tariffs on imported US goods]

    1836: Texas ‘Independence Day’ 3/2/1836 and revolution. Full, unapologetic, deep-South slavery re-established in the new Republic of Texas, having gained its ‘freedom’ from Mexico and that law that restricted the Texans’ liberty to own other humans like cattle.

    A little history that gets left out of the patriotic Texas History lessons in Texas schools.

  • coragyps

    “A little history that gets left out of the patriotic Texas History lessons in Texas schools.”

    And the proposed inclusion of that history in Texas textbooks draws huge salvos of opposing fire from the right down here. Kind of like mentioning Los Ninos Heroes north of the Rio Grande.

  • moarscienceplz

    Also, it makes you the rudest Canadian we’ve ever run across.

    Hee hee!

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    I might have been a little more direct about pointing out how it makes little sense for the US to conquer its own territory in order to do…whatever it is they think the government can’t already do.

    I sometimes wonder if sovereign citizen kooks just failed 3rd grade civics class and simply haven’t been told about that whole Constitutional Convention thingy and what came out of it.

  • frankgturner

    @ Area Man #6

    I have heard that a lot of right wing Texans think of themselves as a separate country due to cultural differences. Many likely see themselves as a minority regardless of their numbers (the whole conservative Xtian “we are persecuted victims” mentality) who see liberals as in control of the government/military and Texas like a conservative safe house.

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    I am just speculating here but maybe this has something to do with it?

    .

    It is a moot point as it is a military exercise and they do exercises at various bases for various reasons. Of course conspiracy aplogists just can’t be wrong can they?

  • blf

    frankgturner@7, Just search for texas sovereign state and you’ll get several shitefecktonloads of wacky. I have no idea if the current Jade Helm 15 freakout is related, albeit I do not recall any of the other States also involved in the exercise waving any drunken strawman.

  • frankgturner

    @ blf #8

    A non religious moderate conservative friend of mine (they do exist and can be reasonable people) pointed out that exercises where military train local police have been going on around the country and where the exercises involve how to take down a high school or control a shopping mall. He said something about fears that we would be in a military bureaocracy with police being military armed is the fear. Even he thinks that is a bit outlandish but he said he could understand people’s concern. Why learn to take down a high school like it was a military establishment. Of course in the middle east group like ISIS are more than happy to use a shopping mall or high school for military/terrorist deployment.

    .

    The attitude going on in Texas likely has to do with the extremist conservative clusters I would think. The drunken straw man is a projection of the fear on conservative Texans. (I could imagine Kentucky residents having that attitude as well, but it is a straw dinosaur there).

  • StevoR

    Classic! Thanks for posting this Ed Brayton.

    On previous visits, we noticed that many of your residents enjoy Social Security and Medicare (you’re welcome), volunteer for the armed services, treasure federal parks, wildlife preserves, and wilderness areas, and earn and spend currency backed by the full faith and credit of the United States. With a quick Internet search, I also learned that nearly a third of Texas’ total revenue is from Federal funding. In fact, millions of your schoolchildren pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America almost every day. And unlike yourself, they apparently mean it.

    That’s gotta burn!

  • https://www.facebook.com/app_scoped_user_id/1013018652043186/ Jim Adams

    I originally saw this on HuffPo. Then I looked at other credible news sources and could not find anything about it. I checked ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, nothing.

    I am saying this was fabricated by the writes at HuffPo, but I am curious as to why such an important and snarky response has nto shown up on other credible new sources.

    If anyone can find this same reply on any other news site, and I mean ANY, then I would like to see it. ABC, CNN, CBS, MSNBC, Al Jazera America, BBC, any of those will be fine.

  • johnson catman

    Jim Adams @ 11:

    a writer at the Huffington Post has the perfect imagined response from the Pentagon

    Please notice the word “imagined” in there.

  • https://www.facebook.com/app_scoped_user_id/1013018652043186/ Jim Adams

    Well, HuffPo is passing it off as a direct response and ignoring that it is 100% fabricated. Normally they place things like that in their satire column, but this fabrication is in their regular political section. I suppose they feel fine spreading fabricated stores about anyone they find disagreement with.

    I know this is a satire article, but many others do not, as you can obviously see from the replies here and at HuffPo.