Breastaurant Memo the ‘DUH’ Moment of the Year

ThinkProgress reports on a leaked memo from the Twin Peaks restaurant chain, a Hooters copycat that features scantily-clad waitresses selling overprices and, undoubtedly, thoroughly mediocre food to dudebros. What’s in that memo nails their customers perfectly:

Twin Peaks attributes its success to a basic understanding of the sexes. “Men are simple creatures and so you don’t have to get too crazy to get them in the door,” Kristen Colby, the director of marketing for Twin Peaks franchise, told the Huffington Post earlier this year. She said that beer, sports, and beautiful women are all it takes.

An internal branding memo provided to ThinkProgress from a current employee at a Twin Peaks restaurant, who preferred to remain anonymous over fears about losing their job, backs up that claim. That employee said the memo was distributed to all the franchises nationwide, as well as handed out to waitresses.

According to the document, the restaurant wants to target guys “who love to have their ego stroked by beautiful girls,” and promises to provide an environment “that feeds their ego with the attention they crave.” They describe their typical customer as someone who likes “attention from beautiful girls and being recognized in front of the guys,” as well as someone who doesn’t want to be asked what he’s thinking.

DUH. The only ones dumb enough not to recognize this are the dudebros themselves, the kind of guys who think the stripper they’ve been throwing money at all night really like them. #notallmen are like this, of course, but the kind of guys who go to breastaurants sure as hell are. They’re populated by guys who slap high fives a lot while yelling “fuckin’ A” for no apparent reasons. Oh, and the older versions of themselves, still pathetically clinging to their self-delusion that they’re still attractive to much younger women.

I’ve been in a Hooters exactly once when a bunch of guys I was going to a basketball game with insisted on going there before the game. The food was at the level of a Denny’s and way overpriced, because a plate of limp nachos is obviously worth $13.95 because it’s served to you by a woman in spandex shorts. The problem isn’t the existence of such restaurants, it’s the fact that they find such a huge number of men simpleminded and lame enough to make them profitable.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/charlie.cain chuck c

    I think that’s an insult to Denny’s, actually.

  • http://www.thelosersleague.com theschwa

    It IS kind of sad seeing those guys who think the strippers actually like them. It is nothing like what Sparkle and I have…

  • Alverant

    I went there once during a sci-fi con in February (it was the closest restaurant to the hotel and I was NOT giving up my parking space to drive). I thought the food was reasonably priced and good for the cost. I’m not saying the one I went to is like all the others but I wouldn’t go so far as to say they are “selling overprices and, undoubtedly, thoroughly mediocre food”. I don’t recall getting my ego stroked either, I guess they didn’t get the memo yet.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    theschwa “It IS kind of sad seeing those guys who think the strippers actually like them. It is nothing like what Sparkle and I have…”

    She’s still going through medical school and is saving up to go back to Greece to visit her family that she hasn’t seen in years, right?

  • http://www.electricminstrel.com Brett McCoy

    I’ve been to Hooters once and that was one time too many. The girls were obviously acting and their hot were not at all spicy. The South Park ‘Raisins’ episode perfectly spoofs what these kinds of places are like.

  • dhall

    It was also a Twin Peaks establishment where the biker gangs started their epic brawl. Maybe it’s the kind of dudebros they cater to?

  • cjcolucci

    And they’re not even good at it.

  • sinned34

    It’s like those stupid commercials for that “Game Of War” mobile game. A large-breasted woman who has nothing to do with the game whatsoever asks the viewer “Will you be my hero?” Because men are stupid and will buy anything that’s pitched to them by a beautiful woman in a skimpy outfit.

    I want to throw something at the TV whenever I see it. My wife laughs at me every time that commercial comes on.

  • lldayo

    As a former cook at a Hooters restaurant (I was in college and needed a part time job) I can tell you there are ones out there with decent food. It really depends on the level of motivation of the cooks. I was lucky enough to be taught by someone who was in culinary school and learned how to prepare stuff correctly which in turn had that knowledge passed to others. Most of these places aren’t like this though so the quality is usually sub par. What you’re paying for more than anything is the “atmosphere”.

  • rietpluim

    Breastaurant? For a brief moment I thought this was about feeding babies in public.

  • Trebuchet

    @8: I refer to the game in those commercials as “Game of Boobs”. Which is probably a good description of the players, now that I think about it.

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    According to the document, the restaurant wants to target guys “who love to have their ego stroked by beautiful girls,” and promises to provide an environment “that feeds their ego with the attention they crave.” They describe their typical customer as someone who likes “attention from beautiful girls and being recognized in front of the guys,” as well as someone who doesn’t want to be asked what he’s thinking.

    In all honesty, paying for sex is more dignified. If you want to pay someone to pretend to like you, you may as well get what you’re really after.

  • Big Boppa

    I’d never heard of Twin Peaks restaurant before the news of the biker thug riot in Waco. Looked them up on line and discovered there are two within driving distance of my home. Waco notwithstanding, thanks to this memo I now know I’ll never consider going there.

    Kristen Colby, the director of marketing for Twin Peaks franchise, must be some kind of anti-marketing genius.

  • Mike

    I dont hi-five random dudes or yell ‘fuckin A’ when I’m at Hooters. Especially not when I’m there with my sister or parents.

    It’s cheezy lowbrow amusement, no worse than spending a crapload of cash at the local multiplex to watch stuff blow up in 3D.

    It’s also a place I can watch my woeful local MLS team, since I’d rather give all my money to a young woman in short (working her way through medical school of course) than to ComCast.

  • Alverant

    @8 I laugh and roll my eyes too. I keep wondering if FeministFrequency is going to mention it in a video. Then again something that obvious probably doesn’t need to be pointed out.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    The problem isn’t the existence of such restaurants, it’s the fact that they find such a huge number of men simpleminded and lame enough to make them profitable.

    Actually, the biggest problem could be the safety and overall environment of the women who work in such places.

  • http://sidhe3141.blogspot.com jy3, Social Justice Beguiler

    According to the document, the restaurant wants to target guys “who love to have their ego stroked by beautiful girls,” and promises to provide an environment “that feeds their ego with the attention they crave.”

    Modus, are you feeling well? This calls for a

    Nice to see I’m not the only one who calls my dick “ego”

    or something.

  • JustaTech

    I’ve been to a Hooters once, for a co-worker’s birthday lunch. Yeah, two guys, three girls and a baby at Hooters, that’s not weird. Except that the only other people there (at lunch) was an 8 year old boy who’s grandmother and aunts were taking him out for his birthday too. I don’t like spicy food, so I can’t really speak to the quality of the wings.

    But at least those waitresses get to wear dancing tights and sneakers. The restaurant next door had all their waitresses in stilettos and really short black dresses (no tights) at lunch. God only knows what they wore for dinner service.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    I don’t like spicy food, so I can’t really speak to the quality of the wings.

    I LOVE spicy food, but I hate what so-called restaurants like these try to pass of as spice. No, the fact that your food causes physical discomfort is NOT a measure of how good it is. You want GOOD spicy food, go to an Indian restaurant, and stop arguing over obscure brands of “weapons-grade” hot sauce.

  • Lady Mondegreen

    It’s like those stupid commercials for that “Game Of War” mobile game. A large-breasted woman who has nothing to do with the game whatsoever asks the viewer “Will you be my hero?”

    Oh, man, that’s disappointing. I don’t watch TV, but online I see a blonde in a white dress (same person?) who seems to be leading a charge into battle. I thought she was a warrior woman.

    Tailored marketing, obvs.

  • sinned34

    Lady Mondegreen,

    Yeah, that’s probably the same person as in the commercials. They have a few different versions of the commercial. The one that bugs me the most is the one where they show the model from behind, stepping up out of a large bathing pool, naked from the waist up.

    In another version, she walks around in a silver breastplate behind a bunch of men, imploring them to build their empires so they can be her hero.

    She’s definitely not set up to be a warrior in the commercials, but rather a prize to be won. And in the commercials there’s barely any description of the game or any examples of gameplay or graphics, just “look, this hot chick wants you to buy this game.”

    Drives me nuts. It’s like their marketing department thinks only 15 year old boys play video games these days.

  • John Pieret

    a leaked memo from the Twin Peaks restaurant chain

    I was kinda wonderin’ why all those bikers were Kyle MacLachlan fans.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    John: the bikers are not what they seem.

  • http://cheapsignals.blogspot.com Gretchen

    It’s not news that there’s money to be made having scantily-clad women as scenery. Hooters and Twin Peaks are just scaled-down strip clubs. Cheaper, more socially acceptable, same basic principle. Just less honest than the strip clubs, which in turn are less honest than brothels.

    Which is not to say I want them shut down or anything. Quite to the contrary, I almost wish the “bros” would dine at such establishments more often, perhaps even exclusively. It would keep them out of the places where I prefer to spend my time and money.

  • http://www.facebook.com/hmoulding Helge

    Heeee. I guess I don’t know all the words that are being coined for this part of the culture wars. I thought “breastaurant” referred to a restaurant that promoted mothers who breastfed their babies. XD

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    jy3, Social Justice Beguiler “Modus, are you feeling well? This calls for a ‘Nice to see I’m not the only one who calls my dick “ego”’ or something.”

    That doesn’t sound like some thing I’d say. I’m quite the prude. Frankly, I’m still blushing over the name of the restaurant.

  • pixiedust

    I like breastaurants existing because it gives dudebros a place to congregate that isn’t near me. I do feel sorry for the employees tho.

  • sanford

    A little too much political correctness here. The business is legal. No one is being harmed. The girls aren’t being held at gun point to work there. If guys are stupid enough to go to these kinds of places to get their egos stroked, so be it.

  • KRS

    About the Game of War commercials (I, too, call it “Game of Boobs”): there might be one commerical where Kate Upton (yes, the SI cover girl) charges into battle with the troops, but most of the time, she doesn’t. And everything is always set up to produce maximum jiggle. It’s incredibly obvious and insulting marketing for any guy with more than two brain cells.

  • cry4turtles

    I was a bartender in my 20s. Men were so easy to work. If they only saw me when I got home and peeled off the skirt, sweater, control top hosiery, and push up bra. I did this before counting tips. It got me through college. Thanks dudebros!

  • scienceavenger

    The only people more amusing to me than guys who think Hooters girls really like them are guys who think they are special snowflakes who are totally uneffected by sexual marketing.