Starnes Asks God to Send Plagues of Hornets on His Enemies

Todd Starns, speaking at the recent Faith and Freedom event put on by Ralph Reed, got himself all worked up into a lather and, citing the sending of plagues that God allegedly sent on his enemies in the Old Testament, asked him to send hornets and cicadas and other bugs on the Supreme Court and anyone else who does things he doesn’t like.

However, moral Christians should not be hopeless. Starnes finds hope for the salvation of America in the Old Testament’s Book of Exodus, in which God sent a “swarm of hornets to clear the battlefield” for an outnumbered Israelite army. This story, argued Starnes, should be the “battle prayer of every patriot saint.”

“When the public schools tell students that our Founding Fathers were a bunch of terrorists: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear the field! When a teacher tells a little boy he can’t pray over his meal: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear that field! When the Pentagon tells them to take down a cross on a Christian chapel: Send those hornets! Clear the field! When the Supreme Court says they know better than God: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear the field!

And, when the president says that America is no longer just a Christian nation: Don’t send the hornets, Lord. Send the mosquitoes and the gnats, and the bumblebees and the lightning bugs and the cicadas! Send every critter you got, Lord! Clear the field!”

Yeah, it might be time to seek professional help at this point.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • jws1

    I like when these types get all Old Testament-like. Kinda undercuts the “New Covenant” argument when they also want to cherry-pick which of their god’s laws they choose to ignore.

  • blf

    That will add a new terror to her/its/their/his famously bad temporal and spatial aim. They/he/she/it will probably get their bugs mixed up, and send a butterfly to the next (Earth) century on Uranus to punish the dinosaurs for sinking the wrong ark. Or maybe send a hornet fighter jet.

  • http://healthvsmedicine.blogspot.com cervantes

    Also, what’s he got left when the hornets don’t show up? (Also, too, cicadas are totally harmless.)

  • Johnny Vector

    When a teacher tells a little boy he can’t pray over his meal: Send the hornets

    This actually makes sense, assuming “The Hornets” is the name of the ACLU’s senior league baseball team.

  • dingojack

    Dear God – instead of Hornets —

    how about SR-71 Blackbirds, F-15 Eagles, F-16 Falcons, or even A-10 Warthogs?

    Thanks

    Dingo

  • Doc Bill

    Lightning bugs? WTF????

  • wreck

    Well the gnats around these parts have been particularly annoying this summer. I hate Illinois gnats.

  • CJO, egregious by any standard

    Psst, buddy:

    Lightning bugs don’t, y’know, actually shoot electricity, they just kinda light up and look pretty on warm summer evenings.

    But, hey, if that’s your thing, go ahead, send us a plague of lightning bugs. It’ll be fabulous.

  • dhall

    ” . . . and the bumblebees and the lightning bugs and the cicadas! ”

    Cool! Bumblebees seldom bother anyone, and lightning bugs and cicadas are totally harmless.

    But how are we going to know the difference between gawd sending a plague of these critters and the usual summertime abundance of them?

  • chris69

    Maybe he expects so many lightning bugs, cicadas and bumblebees etc. that they will fly into everyone’s mouths and suffocate them.

  • howardhershey

    I suspect God will instead send tornados through Oklahoma and hurricanes through Louisiana, Texas, and Florida.

  • naturalcynic

    Todd looks so turned on that he must have a nest of cockroaches up his butt.

  • busterggi

    God’s too busy killing off all the honeybees to send any other insects.

  • Al Dente

    dingojack @5

    SR-71 Blackbirds

    Why do you want a plague of unarmed, supersonic, reconnaissance aircraft? Other than they look really cool.

  • grumpyoldfart

    And the gullible followers snuggle up to one another and dare to hope: “Do you think it might happen? Could we possibly be lucky enough to see it happen? Let us pray.

  • http://www.facebook.com/eo.raptor.3 eoraptor

    Al Dente,

    Looking really cool is enough in my book!

    It saddens me that it is no longer in service. I don’t think there will ever be another purely jet-engined to match it.

  • Crimson Clupeidae

    Quick, someone check and see if Starnes is wearing clothes of mixed fabric…..

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    Send the mosquitoes and the gnats, and the bumblebees and the lightning bugs and the cicadas!

    … and the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats …

  • Numenaster

    Nobody’s posted this classic yet, so here we go!

    “And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, and they’ll know we are Christians by our love.”

  • moarscienceplz

    Heck, them Hornets don’t scare me none. It’s them Katos y’all gotta be skeerd of!

  • Al Dente

    eoraptor @16

    Many years ago I read a scifi short story about a pilot who gets sent back in time with his YF-12A (fighter version of the SR-71) to World War I. He’s trying to kill the Red Baron. However Fokker D-1 Triplanes don’t have enough metal to give a good radar return so radar-guided missiles don’t work and 9 cylinder 110 HP engines don’t put out enough heat for head-seeking missiles to pick up. In the end, the pilot takes the YF-12A to 80,000 feet and dives through the Staffel at Mach 3. The shock wave takes out all the Fokkers.

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    “When the public schools tell students that our Founding Fathers were a bunch of terrorists: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear the field! When a teacher tells a little boy he can’t pray over his meal: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear that field! When the Pentagon tells them to take down a cross on a Christian chapel: Send those hornets! Clear the field! When the Supreme Court says they know better than God: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear the field!

    I guess the lack of hornets I’m witnessing means that these things never happened.

    Jebus, but Starnes is a shameless liar. Anyone remember his angry screed about a kindergartener who was supposedly told by a teacher she couldn’t pray during lunch? The school investigated and found that the teacher she accused wasn’t even there that day. Oh, and she’s the daughter of Starnes’ publicist. What a coincidence!

  • whheydt

    Re: Al Dente @ #21…

    That was “A Hawk Among the Sparrows” by Dean McLaughlin. I read it when it appeared in Analog in 1968. Really good story.

  • whheydt

    We already know that God can’t cope with iron chariots. Is there any reason to think He can do any better against exterminators armed with modern insecticides?

  • eric13

    Given the general incompetence of their god when it comes to vengeance, he’ll probably send 17-year cicadas. They’ll arrive in 2032.

  • https://plus.google.com/107095827599382907783 NS Alito

    …and the carp, and the anchovies, and the orangutans…!

  • https://plus.google.com/107095827599382907783 NS Alito

    D’oh! HGT beat me!

  • D. C. Sessions

    That was “A Hawk Among the Sparrows” by Dean McLaughlin. I read it when it appeared in Analog in 1968. Really good story.

    And I have that issue right over on a shelf in the living room.

  • Steve Morrison

    I’m actually surprised he didn’t ask God to send a plague of bombardier beetles.

  • lordshipmayhem

    He’d better not count on the RCAF for those plagues of Hornets. Our fighters have better tasks at hand.

  • some bastard on the internet

    eric13 @25

    Given the general incompetence of their god when it comes to vengeance, he’ll probably send 17-year cicadas. They’ll arrive in 2032.

    And they’ll be rather annoying for the few weeks that they live, too! That’ll learn ’em!

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    Christianity has nothing to do with freedom.

  • thebookofdave

    After witnessing its effect on Starns, I’m more worried about someone invoking Voltaire’s Prayer.

  • dingojack

    thebookofdave – At this stage, such an invocation would be largely redundant…

    Dingo

  • amrie

    Please send a plague of bees, preferably neonicotinoid-resistant ones.

  • chuckonpiggott

    The cicadas won’t show up for 17 years. And then just stare at you with those freaky red eyes and make that annoying buzz.