Bigot Tries to Explain How He’s Hurt by Same-Sex Marriage

Matt Walsh, a bigoted halfwit who blogs for Glenn Beck’s The Blaze website, has a post entitled “Yes, Gay Marriage Hurts Me Personally.” The text of the post completely fails to justify that headline as he produces only this incredibly lame argument for it:

Second, as a member of society, State-imposed falsehoods do affect you. Marriage is a certain thing with a certain nature and definition. When the State mandates that the thing is something other than what it is, and has a purpose other than its actual purpose, you are now living under a tyranny of confusion. The severity of that confusion depends on the degree of the falsehood. So if the government announced tomorrow that we must all pretend penguins are elephants and cats are squirrels, I expect I wouldn’t be seriously harmed. I might be helped because I could finally get rid of my wife’s annoying cat on the grounds that I don’t want squirrels in my house.

But I would still oppose this redefinition because it’s not true, and I prefer Truth. How does it negatively affect my life that people are all confused about penguins and cats and elephants? I guess it doesn’t, except that it would make my trips to the zoo pretty disorienting, and more importantly, I want our culture to have a proper understanding of reality. Moreover, I don’t want our government to impose an improper understanding.

An improper understanding of a squirrel is one thing, though. An improper understanding of marriage, on the other hand, will destroy us. Marriage is the bedrock upon which all of human civilization rests. To expand its definition into oblivion is to weaken and destabilize it.

Hurt? Of course. You’re hurt. Everyone is hurt. This is our foundation, and we all depend on it, no matter if we’re separated from the issue by a few degrees.

So when he says that it hurts him personally, what he clearly means is that it has no effect on him at all. Try making that argument for why you have standing to challenge gay marriage in court and see how far it gets you. Hint: Absolutely nowhere.

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  • Chiroptera

    How does it negatively affect my life that people are all confused about penguins and cats and elephants? I guess it doesn’t, except that it would make my trips to the zoo pretty disorienting….

    “…And what if a coworker invites me an my family to his house for dinner to meet his family, and it turns out he’s gay married? I mean, I’d be totally disoriented!”

  • http://twitter.com/#!/TabbyLavalamp Tabby Lavalamp

    They keep talking about how marriage is the bedrock of human civilization, can we start asking how that’s so? Marriage could disappear immediately and civilization isn’t going to crumble. The bedrock of civilization is law and a social contract that we won’t harm each other.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    tyranny of confusion

    Dibs on album title!

  • NitricAcid

    So, if he’s completely disoriented, does that mean he’s confused about his orientation?

  • Knight in Sour Armor

    By marriage we (this weird guy) mean owning property right? That is what marriage mostly was. I’d be willing to agree that owning property in some form is part of the bedrock of civilization.

  • NitricAcid

    And no, I’m not saying that because he’s a homophobe, he must be in the closet. I was just struck by the pun.

  • http://tailotherat.blogspot.com namowal

    Walsh’s posts are so dramatic and over the top that I’m still trying to decide if he really believes what he’s saying or if he’s trolling for dollars.

  • theDukedog7 .

    Obergefell certainly hurt me. My reason gyrus is throbbing from the injury inflicted.

  • regexp

    At least he lives in the US. The last two articles I read that tried to say the same thing are by people who now live in other countries.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    It hurt me, too. Gay marriage ruined marriage, much as gay wedding cakes ruined cake.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jason.criley jason the cripple

    “To expand its definition into oblivion is to weaken and destabilize it.”

    But how? They keep making that claim, but never tell us how it’s going to destabilize straight marriages.

  • Anri

    theDukedog7 @ 8:

    Obergefell certainly hurt me. My reason gyrus is throbbing from the injury inflicted.

    Probably a strain. Next time, try stretching before operating a long-unused body part, ‘k?

  • theDukedog7 .

    Also Obergefell is givin’ me carpal tunnel–I’ve been baking non-stop since. Don’t wanna go to prison.

  • D. C. Sessions

    Modus, I think Anri’s got you for this one.

  • raven

    Marriage is a certain thing with a certain nature and definition.

    This is a lie.

    Marriage is many things and varies from place to place and time to time.

    1. In the bible it was a sale where ownership of the mobile womb was transferred from father to buyer.

    Genesis 34:12 Make the price for the bride and … – Bible Hub

    biblehub. com/genesis/34-12.htm

    Make the price for the bride and the gift I am to bring as great as you like, and I’ll pay whatever you ask me. Only give me the young woman as my wife.”

    2. In Glenn Beck’s kooky Mormon religion, polygamy was a sacred part of their religion until the USA pressured them to “suspend” it. To become a god in the Celestial kingdom, one still has to be a…polygamist.

    According to Mormon mythology, our god on Kolob has a fleet of goddess wives who are so important, that no one even knows their names.

    3. Then there is polygamy practiced in Islamic countries, Utah, and parts of Asia. And the xian and Jewish bibles.

    4. Common law marriage, civil marriage, religious marriage. Mormons have two kinds. For time meaning non-Temple for people who didn’t tithe or gasp, horrors, married a Gentile, and Temple marriage for time and eternity, meaning you get to be part of a herd of baby factories forever in New Kolob.

  • Jared James

    This is the least effective argument from ignorance I’ve seen in a long time, and I read one of Dukey’s comments once.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    D. C. Sessions “Modus, I think Anri’s got you for this one.”

    Hardly. Cake is better than gyrus. I try to avoid gyrus. Gyrus are basically a slices off a cone of meat, served on pita bread with tzatziki sauce, tomato, onions and food poisoning.

  • D. C. Sessions

    Marriage is a certain thing with a certain nature and definition.

    Sort of like a “spring,” then.

  • Scientismist

    ..and I prefer Truth.

    No you don’t. Anyone who capitalizes that word is selling the biggest lie in the world.

  • Hoosier X

    I’m really confused. Are elephants marrying penguins now? Are the squirrels opposed to it and refusing to issue the licenses? Is it too disorienting to go to a co-worker’s house and find out he’s in an elephant/penguin relationship? Are squirrel bakeries refusing to bake cakes for elephant/penguin weddings? Are we still expected to ask hippies to explain Supreme Court decisions?

    I wasn’t confused by dukedog’s joke, though. The idea that he has a “reason gyrus” is a very funny one.

    Terrorist fist bump!

  • dingojack

    Lil Dookie — I wasn’t aware using a part of your brain for the first time could cause actual physical pain. [Perhaps it’s the sudden increase in blood flow dilating the capillaries which creates pressure on the surrounding tissues and that pressure is then transferred to the cranial pain receptors?]

    Dingo

  • dingojack

    Lil Dookie – I hope your good lady wife doesn’t find out the reason you’ve been taking so long in the bathroom involves a forty year old copy of Playboy Magazine and some overly vigorous ‘cake baking’.

    Dingo

  • Trebuchet

    Cracked.com explains it for you:

    http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/a-30-second-guide-to-how-gay-marriage-ruling-affects-you/

    And since the willfully ignorant won’t bother to click, here is the substance:

    If You Are a Homosexual and Are Already Married:

    If you had been lucky enough to live in a state that allowed gay marriage, the federal government already recognized your marriage as a thing, and you were eligible for tax, health, and pension benefits under federal law like any other married couple. Previously, if you had moved to another state that didn’t recognize gay marriage, that state didn’t have to recognize your marriage. Now, your marriage is recognized everywhere, the same as anyone else’s.

    If You Are a Homosexual and Want to Get Married:

    Where before this came down to whether or not your state had legalized it, now you are free to do so regardless of which state you live in.

    If You Are a Heterosexual and Do NOT Want to Enter into a Homosexual Marriage:

    You will not be required to marry a gay person. This is a common misunderstanding. This decision actually does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are Currently in a Heterosexual Marriage:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are a Heterosexual Who Is Not Currently Married:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are a Heterosexual Who Hopes to Eventually Marry:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are a Member of a Church That Performs Wedding Ceremonies but That Does Not Believe in Gay Marriage:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are a Religious Official Who Performs Wedding Ceremonies but Who Thinks Gay Marriage Is Wrong:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are an Individual Who Believes Gay Marriage or Homosexuality in General Is Wrong for Religious Reasons, and Wish to Continue Expressing Those Beliefs:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are an Individual Who Believes Gay Marriage or Homosexuality in General Is Wrong for Non-Religious Reasons, and Wish to Continue Expressing Those Beliefs:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are a Heterosexual Who Fears This Decision Adversely Affects Your Marriage or the Concept of Marriage in General:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are a Heterosexual Who Fears This Decision Negatively Affects You in Some Way:

    This decision does not affect you in any way.

    If You Are a Heterosexual Who Suffers Anger or Anxiety at the Thought of Gay Couples Getting Married as an Abstract Concept, and Believes the Only Cure Is to Legally Prevent Gay Marriage:

    This decision will cause you some degree of anger or anxiety. Otherwise, this decision does not affect you in any way.

    Hope this helps!

  • frankgturner

    @ Scientistmist #19

    Actually it is fine as long as you don’t equate Truth as being exclusive to “factual correctness.” I personally prefer factual correctness myself. (Something that people like Duke on here don’t metaphorically provide an adequate quantity of fecal matter).

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    frankgturner, when I was little I had to get my factual corrected. The orthopedic hat was the worst.

  • frankgturner

    @ MO

    LOL cute

  • Die Anyway

    I was watching a wildlife documentary last night about some monkeys in Japan. At one point a female decided it was time to wean her young son. When she refused to let him suckle he threw a temper tantrum… jumping, thrashing, beating the ground, screeching… a real cat-5 hurricane of a tantrum but mama held firm. Matt Walsh and the others that Ed has reported remind me of that young monkey in some ways. They are throwing their tantrum but society will hold firm. In the case of the young monkey though, he eventually got over it and became a normal ‘teenager’. For Mr. Walsh, et al., I’m not so sure. Some of his ilk seem to be throwing tantrums into their 80s. It does get tiresome.

  • frankgturner

    @ DA #27

    Some of those monkeys throwing tantrums into their 80s are the old farts shouting for you to get the he’ll off of their lawn, sort of like Scalia.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=701394965 patrickashton

    It’s cute how they think that an abstract concept like marriage has a single, fixed definition. Sort of like watching a puppy chew on its own tail.

  • lofgren

    Is he oblivious to the fact that a cat and a squirrel are things that can be observed and described independent of our language, while marriage is an abstract socially constructed institution?

  • EnlightenmentLiberal

    Marriage is a certain thing with a certain nature and definition.

    Words do not have intrinsic meanings. They have usages. We are welcome to develop whatever cultural and legal practices which serve us best.

    So if the government announced tomorrow that we must all pretend penguins are elephants and cats are squirrels, I expect I wouldn’t be seriously harmed.

    That’s fundamentally different. The analogy breaks down. The goverment could mandate that we swap the labels “elephant” and “cat”. It would be annoying and serve no purpose, and it would be confusing, but it wouldn’t be untruthful. The words “elephant” and “cat” only have meaning so far as the consensus of people give meaning to the words. Same for “marriage”.

    And your god does not exist. Deal with it.

  • hunter

    “Marriage is the bedrock upon which all of human civilization rests.”

    Actually, no. That would be agriculture.

  • Pen

    If it hurts me personally that this guy doesn’t understand that cultural elements like words and institutions are manmade, arbitrary and variable, can I do anything about it?

  • raven

    If it hurts me personally that this guy doesn’t understand that cultural elements like words and institutions are manmade, arbitrary and variable, can I do anything about it?

    LOL.

    1. I’m deeply hurt that US xianity isn’t dying fast enough. I will be dead about the time it goes below 50%.

    2. I’m deeply hurt that Matt Walsh is an idiot and hater.

    3. I’m deeply hurt that Glenn Beck, a raving loon, makes more in a year than most people make in a lifetime.

    4. I’m deeply hurt that I haven’t been appointed ruler of the world by the Aesir gods.

    The number of people in the USA deeply hurt by something they can’t do anything about is exactly equal to the number of people who live in the USA, i.e. 319 million people.

  • Georgia Sam

    Know what hurts me personally? People who are stupid enough to buy Walsh’s argument, voting in elections that affect me.

  • sugarfrosted

    I remember the time someone defined a ring as a not necessarily having an identity. Math is still ruined to this day. s

  • anthrosciguy

    ELEPHANTS AND SQUIRRELS LIVING TOGETHER!!!

  • llyris

    Do he’s fundamentally confused by pussy and beaver. Which is it folks? If you call it the wrong one you’ll undermine the whole of society. And you’d be a pest to public truth.

  • DaveC

    A “tyranny of confusion”? Is that like a quantum of solace, only worse?

    Can I please have some tears of the bigots dressing with that word salad?