‘Prophet’: God Told Me Trump Will Be President

Self-declared “prophetic minister” Jeremiah Johnson had a chat with the holy spirit recently and the righteous poltergeist informed him that Donald Trump would be the next president of the United States. And apparently the holy spirit is now speaking directly through Trump.

I was in a time of prayer several weeks ago when God began to speak to me concerning the destiny of Donald Trump in America. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, “Trump shall become My trumpet to the American people, for he possesses qualities that are even hard to find in My people these days. Trump does not fear man nor will he allow deception and lies to go unnoticed. I am going to use him to expose darkness and perversion in America like never before, but you must understand that he is like a bull in a china closet. Many will want to throw him away because he will disturb their sense of peace and tranquility, but you must listen through the bantering to discover the truth that I will speak through him. I will use the wealth that I have given him to expose and launch investigations searching for the truth. Just as I raised up Cyrus to fulfill My purposes and plans, so have I raised up Trump to fulfill my purposes and plans prior to the 2016 election. You must listen to the trumpet very closely for he will sound the alarm and many will be blessed because of his compassion and mercy. Though many see the outward pride and arrogance, I have given him the tender heart of a father that wants to lend a helping hand to the poor and the needy, to the foreigner and the stranger.”

As the body of Christ, we must keep our ears and eyes open as we continue to move toward the 2016 elections in the United States. I believe that God is not only going to use the prayers of the saints to bring about His plans and purposes, but He is even going to use those who do not know Him. What a great comfort and source of encouragement we have in the wisdom of God in this hour.

Makes me wonder which lies and insults, which is about all Trump has to offer, were given to him to say by Jesus.

Isn't that a law prohibiting the defamation of maple syrup?

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  • dingojack

    “Trump does not fear man nor will he allow deception and lies to go unnoticed.”

    Except the porkies he himself spouts, those he’ll double-down on or totally ignore.

    “… I have given him the tender heart of a father that wants to lend a helping hand to the poor and the needy, to the foreigner and the stranger.”

    Except if they’re foreigners and strangers from south of the border, that is.

    @@

    Dingo

  • StevoR

    The Holy Spirit speaking through Trump? Fucks sake really?

    Spirit maybe. Holy, ya gotta be shittin’ me!

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Just as I raised up Cyrus to fulfill My purposes and plans…

    Uh, ‘scuze me sir, Billy Ray Cyrus or Miley Ray Cyrus?

  • http://twitter.com/#!/TabbyLavalamp Tabby Lavalamp

    [Y]ou must understand that he is like a bull in a china closet.

    I understand that the Holy Spirit can’t even get its cliches right.

  • dingojack

    Tabby – “[Y]ou must understand that he is like a bull in a china closet.”

    Perhaps Bum-Trumpet is, in reality —

    THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE!!!!

    Dingo

  • llewelly

    Trump is the trumpet the Angel Moroni blows before Jesus comes.

  • cptdoom

    am going to use him to expose darkness and perversion in America like never before…

    Trump has 5 children by 3 different wives, all still living. At one time that was considered “darkness and perversion,” but apparently this new version of God is totally fine with adultery. Who knew?

  • D. C. Sessions

    I have given him the tender heart of a father that wants to lend a helping hand to the poor and the needy

    Like Edward Whitacre, for instance.

  • StevoR

    @3. Pierce R. Butler : I think he’s referring to the ancient Iranian Cyrus :

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrus_the_Great

    Properly(~ish?) Kurosh-e Bozorg the founder of the Achaemenid Empire. Mentione din the OT.

    But then I could be mistaken.. I mean holding up an ancient Persian despot as an exemplar when your’e a US Republican .. naahh , wee-eell, mebbe?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    God speaks through Trump? Isn’t that backwards?

  • StevoR

    @7. cptdoom : Bet he’s eaten shellfish and wears clothes made of more than one fibre all mixed up too. Stone the heretic teh Bibble kommandzzitt!!

    Trump sure aint’ kosher.

    ( Not that I’m a Rabbi mind you but .. he really ain’t.)

  • StevoR

    In the Aussie slang sense if nothing else. Given he’s non-Jewish I’m guessing in the other sense as well too.

  • Doug Little

    Trump shall become My trumpet to the American people, for he possesses a name that’s pretty close to trumpet

  • http://festeringscabofrealityblogspot.com fifthdentist

    I saw the stupid crap from Christie in the headline above and then I saw the word “prophet,” and it hit me: The Republican Klown Kar of Krazy is just like the crazy prophets in “Life of Brian.” Each one thinks he or she is speaking for God, and they’re saying the most insane things to bring attention to themselves.

    Christie is a great example. The people I know from my college days who still smoke pot and perhaps do a little blow are nearly all Republicans who own their own companies and don’t have to worry about being a drone bee who has to randomly piss in a cup. They have the luxury of not losing their jobs because they smoked that one joint two weeks ago.

    And they are all very pro-legalization when it comes to pot.

    You have Huckabee saying a peace deal that prevents Iran from making a bomb for the life of the treaty saying it’s just like firing up the ovens at Auschwitz for a big bar-b-jew.

    And who knows what the hell Ben Carson is saying? It’s like listening to wingnutese translated into Hungarian to Portuguese to Russian to Choctaw and finally to what is purported to be some semblance of English.

  • dingojack

    Something like this clearly!

    Dingo

  • StevoR

    @ Doug Little : Actually its bloody euphonium :

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ffgk_-ZYN1c

    Great movie that Brassed Off one actually..

  • dingojack

    Trump – America’s political ‘Le Pétomane‘.

    Dingo

  • cjcolucci

    So maybe God is going to punish us after all. I just never figured out how.

  • StevoR

    @ ^ cjcolucci : It won’t be by having Trump as POTUS I’m sure. Well 95% certainty anyhow..

    Very much doubt he’ll be anything more than a footnote in the 2016 Presidential race ..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uQcDXZ9WVQ&index=3&list=PL7AE363F65D66AEA7

    Think the other Repubs will kick his arse soon enough – and Hillary Rodham Clinton will kick it even sorer if they don’t.

    Still.. Must admit didn’t expect Trump to even seriously run.

  • StevoR
  • John Pieret

    What makes Johnson think that The Donald will play ventriloquist dummy to the Holy Spirit? After all, the Holy Spirit is just a dove, which is one rung above a New York pigeon and the Trumpster is hardly going to let one of those put it wing up his butt.

  • Synfandel

    dingojack @17, Mel Brooks was America’s political Le Pétomane.

  • sharonb

    I am sure the Fundies are keeping track of these, so they can treat these false prophets in the biblically prescribed manner.

  • Loqi

    Trump is the trumpet the Angel Moroni blows before Jesus comes.

    I think I just lost the ability to become aroused.

  • D. C. Sessions

    Trump shall become My trumpet to the American people, for he possesses a name that’s pretty close to trumpet

    Same word, actually. A trumpet is a female trump.

    Try it next time you’re playing bridge — blow the trumpet enough and nobody can stand up to you.

  • http://www.chris-winter.com/ caseloweraz

    @Dingojack (#17):

    Or, as the Houston Chronicle mistakenly rendered it, Juntos Pedemos. (Scroll down to the end of the article.)

    I’ve always considered that one of the better mistakes.

  • http://www.chris-winter.com/ caseloweraz

    The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, “Trump shall become My trumpet to the American people, for he possesses qualities that are even hard to find in My people these days.

    Evidently God no longer has the puissance to create, but must work with whatever he finds at hand. “You conduct holy war with the army Christians you’ve got, not with the Christians you wish you had,” he said through a spokes-spirit.

  • howardhershey

    If this comes to pass, it would be more evidence that God has a positively diabolical sense of humor.

  • Broken Things

    “You conduct holy war with the army Christians you’ve got, not with the Christians you wish you had,” he said through a spokes-spirit.

    +1

  • grumpyoldfart

    God began to speak to me concerning the destiny of Donald Trump in America

    Super-Christians will rarely say, “I was thinking…”

    They almost always say, “God told me…”

    That way, when the shit hits the fan, they can say, “It’s got nothing to do with me. It’s all part of god’s master plan.”

  • Pierce R. Butler

    StevoR @ # 9: … the ancient Iranian Cyrus : … Mentione din the OT.

    Not just mentioned, but described as “anointed” * – iow, officially declared a messiah.

    * I extremely doubt he allowed a bunch of fanatical hillbillies, no matter how grateful for his kicking Babylonian butt, to rub oil all over his body.

  • addicted44

    What am I missing? I thought that after his McCain comments, Trump was done for, and it was time for the next clown in line.

    But it seems that Trump’s favorability amongst Republicans, and voting share has only gone up since then. I’m so confused.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    addicted44, you have to remember that there’s a significant crossover between Republicans and assholes. Here, let me draw you a Venn Diagram…

  • call me mark

    Trump won’t “allow deception and lies to go unnoticed”

    To be fair it’s pretty hard not to notice Trump’s deception and lies. Maybe that’s what Johnson means?

    /snark

  • anubisprime

    Dumbfuck should be in a mental asylum…why does anyone think this idiot is relevant?

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    The Holy Spirit has officially jumped the shark.