Robertson: Smoking Pot Makes You a ‘Slave to Vegetables’

Pat Robertson gave some wise old sage advice to viewers of the 700 Club that they should avoid alcohol and marijuana because it makes people “enslaved to vegetables” when they were supposed to reign over the earth with God. But God can set you free.

“God gave you and me as human beings authority, he gave us dominion over everything on this Earth,” the TV preacher explained on Monday’s 700 Club. “Over all the animals, all the snakes, all the birds, all the plants, all the vegetables.”

“Cocaine is the product of a vegetable, alcohol is the product of a vegetable, marijuana is a vegetable,” he continued. “And yet, people are enslaved to vegetables. And you were made in the image of God. God made you in his image to reign and rule with him. He gave you incredible authority.”

“Why would you become a slave to a vegetable? Why? Why would you do it.?

Uh, wouldn’t that also apply to eating vegetables?

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  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    I, For One, Welcome Our New Vegetable Overlords.

  • Trebuchet

    Coffee beans. Just sayin’.

  • John Pieret

    Actually, Pat, alcohol (the kind we drink) is the product of yeast, a fungi.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    Any day now I expect he’ll be telling us not to eat meat either, since that would make us slaves to cows.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Reading the bible makes you a slave to a bunch of long-dead con artists.

    Please pass me the broccoli.

  • wreck

    As an esteemed vegetable himself, I consider crazy old Uncle Patty an authority on the subject.

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Look, when God said to hold Dominion over all the plants and animals of the Earth, He didn’t mean eating them. Except animals. He’s fine with eating those.

  • eric

    Coffee beans. Just sayin’.

    No kidding. Don’t forget sugar cane and sugar beet.

    But thank goodness, bacon is safe. As one of my friends used to say “vegetables are what food eats.”

  • garnetstar

    I’m Italian: my entire family for generations has been enslaved to vegetables.

    We are salad addicts. I dream about salad.

  • fusilier

    It’s the gluten, I tell ya.

    Oh and doesn’t soy sauce interfere with the Manly Essences?

    fusilier

    James 2:24

  • Synfandel

    fusilier @10 wrote, “It’s the gluten, I tell ya.”

    As John Pinette said, “Have you tried gluten-free food? It needs gluten!”

  • http://www.chris-winter.com/ caseloweraz

    Robertson: “Why would you become a slave to a vegetable? Why? Why would you do it?”

    Depends. If it’s a vegetable like this, I might have no choice.

    Good thing that’s just fiction, eh?

    Much like most of what Pat Robertson says.

  • zippythepinhead

    “My vegetable love should grow vaster than empires and more slow.” -Andrew Marvell

    “Call any vegetable and the chances are good, the vegetable will respond to you.” -Frank Zappa

    Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga

  • StevoR

    @ ^ zippythepinhead : I thought that was rhubarb? (x infinity? Or as many as suits?)

  • D. C. Sessions

    Pat Robertson gave some wise old sage advice to viewers of the 700 Club that they should avoid alcohol and marijuana because it makes people “enslaved to vegetables”

    Was that anything like Governor Bush’s relationship to Terry Schiavo?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    D. C. Sessions “Was that anything like Governor Bush’s relationship to Terry Schiavo?”

    Other way around, I think.

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    … alcohol is the product of a vegetable…

    Ben Franklin had a good response:

    We hear of the conversion of water into wine at the marriage in Cana as of a miracle. But this conversion is, through the goodness of God, made every day before our eyes. Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy. The miracle in question was only performed to hasten the operation, under circumstances of present necessity, which required it.

    God clearly approves of alcohol or the miracle at the wedding wouldn’t have happened. Why does Pat fight against God?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    Work to the sorghum,

    Live to the sorghum,

    Love to the sorghum,

    Slave to the sorghum.” ~ Grace Jones

  • Larry

    I’m not too sure smoking weed makes one a slave to vegetables. It does, however, make one a slave to late night Taco Bell runs to cure the munchies.

  • Al Dente

    Is Doritos a vegetable?

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Does this mean Pat forbids his followers from letting kids watch those cheesy* Veggie-Tales Jesus ‘toons?

    *Yeah, I know, it’s soy-cheesy.

  • busterggi

    Do the Veggie Tales people know they’re Satan’s emissaries?

  • samgardner

    I think we should take Pat at his word, and work towards making a bacon-based alcohol. Yummmmmm.

  • samgardner

    Uh… full disclaimer… it’s been a REALLY long time since I’ve taken chemistry, so I have no idea if that’s possible.

  • Trebuchet

    “Let the wine gladden your hearts.”

    JC also turned water into wine.

    “This is my blood.”

    Etc. Etc. Etc.

  • Georgia Sam

    @ zippythepinhead (13): Yes! “Call Any Vegetable” was first the thing that came to my mind.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XhDGiW-qZ2k

  • frankgturner

    As compared to taking advice from a talking carpet?

    .

    Pat reminds me of the “Trash Heap” from Fraggle Rock accept lacking in intellect or wisdom, just a pile of random dirt that talks. Why do people listen to this buffoon? He didn’t have anything productive to say when he was younger and still looked like a talking rug / random pile of garbage with what looks like it could be a face and he has nothing productive to say now.

  • Doug Little

    John @3,

    Yeah I’m a slave to those little suckers. sanitizing, mashing, sparging, boiling, cooling and transferring liquids and grains from place to place, just so they can have a nice clean home to live in for a while with lots of food to eat. I don’t even get upset when they party like it’s 1999 and the place goes to hell.

  • llyris

    @ 22 #busterggi

    Do the Vegie Tales people know they’re Satan’s emissaries?

    Shouldn’t that be seitan?

  • Doug Little

    samgardner @23,

    Well if you could somehow coax some fermentable sugars out of the bacon. Glucose, Maltose, Sucrose or Fructose will do.

  • WrathPanda

    What if the vegetable matter tasted of bacon? Also, isn’t there something in Genesis about being given all the seed bearing plants on Earth to use?

  • Synfandel

    This probably doesn’t qualify, but it’s close.

    http://www.bakonvodka.com/

  • dingojack

    I concur with richardelguru –

    Salutations to our Broccoli overlords – all hail the kale!

    Dingo

    ———

    Surely – eating meat is simply becoming a slave to a slave (to a slave…)

    Eat dirt!

  • freehand

    Aren’t Pat’s minions congregation slaves to a vegetable?.

    .

    Triffids think anything which eats food …is food.

    .

    God can set you free. Just do whatever he says, no hesitation. Don’t wander off, he might want you for something. Show no disrespect, or he will torture you forever. Don’t forget to tell him how awesome he is, for he needs reassurance. And being an entity beyond the limits of time, he will never tire of hearing it. Next church services in ten minutes. Lunch behind the church at noon! Bring potato salad or jello (the orange jello with canned mandarin oranges and Cool Whip®).

  • sigurd jorsalfar

    Hey I didn’t volunteer to become a slave to a vegetable. I was walking down the street one day minding my own business when I caught a whiff of ganja emanating from a passing hippie. I’ve been a dope fiend ever since. That’s just how vegetable slavery works.

  • dingojack

    freehand – no, no, no! No potato salad!

    What, do you want to become a slave to the inferior Potato Overlords*!?!

    Dingo

    ——–

    * Co-incidentally, I saw them rock the Myer Musicbowl back in ’98! Their cover of the Wiggles’ Hot Potato was killer (especially the 16 minute piss-break drum solo).

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com WMDKitty — Survivor

    Huh. And here I thought the Bible said that God intended mankind to make use of every seed-bearing plant…

    Yep. Genesis 1:29

    Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.

    So, really, God shouldn’t have a problem with responsible use of intoxicants.

  • thebookofdave

    Consuming your god should be fine, then. And it looks like Ol’ Pat is off to a head start on the Jesus juice.

  • davek23

    Maybe we can convince him that breathing air makes him a slave to oxygen?