Wingnut ‘Binds’ Hillary Clinton, the ‘Top Witch in the World’

Pat Holliday of the Miracle Internet Church (funniest name ever) says that Hillary Clinton is not just your run-of-the-mill evil Democrat, she’s actually the “head of witchcraft in the world.” No wonder she lost the election, what with that as her second job. But never fear, the good pastor has “bound” her powers. You can all go home now.

Asserting that “the women witches are more powerful than the men, so that is why Hillary Clinton is so powerful, because she is the head witch of the world,” Holliday then took authority over Clinton’s spiritual powers so that she will be prosecuted for engaging in pedophilia and child trafficking.

“Father, in the name of Jesus, we all agree and bind the power that gives Hillary Clinton the power to stay free, the power that they cannot make her pay for the crimes that she has committed,” she said. “Father, it is my understanding that they sold uranium to Russia for hundreds of billions of dollars, and Father God, that is the least of it. During the campaign, it came out that she had pedophilia, that she was trafficking children all over the world [through] her foundation. And these things would come out in our press and it was just like it didn’t even happen and I know that it was a powerful bewitching spirit that they were doing worldwide.”

“We take authority over all of those powerful bewitching spirits of Hillary Clinton and every witch and every wizard in the world,” Holliday declared. “From the top all the way down to the local. And the ones that are offering up their witchcraft powers for the assassination of [President] Trump … we bind you up and the reason that so many things are backfiring on you and your clans are because Christians are praying and God has sent them back seven-fold upon the witchcraft powers of the world.”

“We give you praise and glory here tonight, God, that Hillary Clinton, her family, and all of the witches that she has led throughout her life are now bound,” Holliday proclaimed.

I know, right? Just last week I bound the spiritual authority of 3 gremlins and a leprechaun, so they won’t be bothering any of you anymore. You can thank me later, good people. I’m also responsible for keeping the dragons from eating you, by the way. I do accept payment — I mean, “love offerings” — in the form of cash or ribeyes.

In response, Hillary Clinton released a statement saying that they put that false nose on her and that she definitely weighs more than a duck.

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