I was known as a “loose girl”. In my college days, casual sex with guys was a popular sport for me. It gave me the thrill.
There was of course the act of it, but the thrill was more of “getting the catch”. When a reluctant person was converted as a bed player, it gave a high. It was a game. A game of getting my fill and then bragging about it. I can clearly understand why guys do that. It is funny that girls become “loose” when they do what men do in regular course.
Apart from my games, there was another thrill I would seek. The high of the mountains. Trekking in the Himalayas was an activity that I couldn’t resist. Rahul, Simon and I were best pals when it came to trekking. We would usually go together, but I would at times take on my own. At high altitude with no one around you, looking right into the abyss and knowing that however deep it was, I had come all the way to the top, gave me unparalleled joy. The more deeper and unfathomable seeming the abyss, the more satisfying the feeling of ascent is!!
It was a Thursday, we three set off on another journey. In one small village, I decided to take off on my own towards a peek that we had never gone to. The weather wasn’t very good but that was the idea. To venture when it seemed difficult. I knew I had it in me to return by that night. Early morning 5 I started off.
The sun was in and out intermittently through the clouds. But slowly, the clouds were gathering. It had been raining in the distance at the top of the mountain. Heavily, it so seemed. My hope was by the time it reached me the clouds would have been done with it.
I wasn’t so lucky.
As it started raining, I kept on with the poncho on me.. but slowly, it became difficult to move on. I went to a raised level of the rock, with some cave like structures to take shelter. Some caves seemed deep, but I went to one which was sufficiently good enough to hold me through this rain.
But it rained for 3 hours.
Suddenly I saw the water which was until now flowing down nicely pick up more mass and power. Oh, shucks! It was a flash flood in the making. Soon the flood of water flowing down was furious. I tried my best to balance on the rock, and not fall in its line, but it was clearly tough. I saw death flowing right in front of my eyes. It was waiting for my foot to slip. Suddenly, a figure appeared from the nearby cave and with a swift but sure and powerful grip pulled me in to the next cave. I struggled fearing the unknown. River of death flowing furiously was now a known enemy. This hand was a sudden and unknown entry.
I saw he was a monk. A Swami. Tall, well built, balanced features and calm. He asked me to follow. As I went in to the cave, he motioned me to sit down in the cave, which though dark and dimly lit with some kind of a lamp, was fairly warm and welcoming. I realized I was shivering. “I will give you something to drink, it will help you.”
I don’t know what it was. Some tea? Some herbal concoction? Whatever it was it had a strange affect on me. I was warm and calm now.
“What are you doing here, Maam”, asked the handsome Monk.
“All alone? This isn’t a place where people venture alone. Specially women”.
“If you could LIVE here Mister, I could at least travel here!!”, I remarked annoyingly.
He smiled and nodded.
“Now you can rest here.” He got up and straightened the leaf/hay type of an area. In the dim light, his muscular body was completely visible. He was a handsome dude living in the middle of nowhere! The thought somehow seemed to turn me on. What a story it will be to brag about, I thought mischieviously. I grinned.
I got up and went upto him and looked at him. He stood there smiling.
“Why do you live here alone, sir?” I started my conversation.
“I like it here. I get all I need from this world in sufficient abundance here. I need nothing more.”
“But don’t you think you are running away from the world? That isn’t living surely!”
“Depends on how you define your World, isn’t it?”
“You don’t need a family? Any relative? Your parents, your siblings?”
“I was an orphan. I don’t know who they were. I have been happy to consider the entire world as my family.”
“Entire WORLD indeed!!” I smirked. “Sitting here in wilderness, who do you meet to talk of the world You probably haven’t met people further from the nearby villages perhaps! Do you know who people in Norway are? How do people in Madagascar live? What they think of you?”
He smiled. “Are people in all these places really any different? INTERNALLY and basically? Forget different people, are people any different from the numerous animals in this area? My family includes everyone…. everything. These rocks, the trees. Everything! I am as a part of them. I don’t hurt them. They don’t hurt me.”
“Harmonious living, huh?”
“You can use whatever word you may want, but living is one where you leave no footprint behind.”
“DUDE!!.. Swamiji…. sorry about that! Even you are into this Carbon footprint thingy? That’s cool!”
He smiled as if I was a toddler trying to make a fool of my self. At least I felt so.
“I live with everything around me as if they are my family. I borrow my existence from them. I don’t hurt theirs to create mine.”
“You know you sound so New Agey to me, even though you are sitting here in this cave-shave thingy doing your stuff! And you know what, Swamiji…..” I paused.
He looked at me and waited to finish off my sentence.
“I find you sexy! You really turn me on! Have you ever had a physical relationship with anyone?”
He smiled. “I have a complete relationship with everyone and everything. I don’t limit my relationships.”
“Huh! What is this complete relationship? well, Whatever! I would really love to…. ” I gulped. I had never had any trouble doing this earlier…
“…. have it with you.” I blurted out.
“What?” he enquired.
“Well.. ” I rolled my eyes… “You know what I am talking..”
He kept looking at me… calmly waiting to finish my sentence without any guesses. Heck this guy was tough man!
“Physical stuff and all.. OK.. SEX!”
He smiled and turned away and said rather calmly… “If my body can give you any real joy, feel free to use it.”
I couldn’t believe my ears! Did he just agree to IT!?? This was an easy one.. heck no effort required huh!
“Wait, did you just say that you want to have sex with me, Swamiji?”
“I said, if my body gives you happiness, you can try it. I don’t own it.”
“Your body?… ” I was bewildered.. “Which means YOU.. right?”
“To you maybe. But it doesn’t matter for your goals. You are interested in this body….its not material to me anymore.” he said slowly as the last piece trailed off.
His words sounded strange and rather dampening. But I wasn’t going to let go of this opportunity so easily. “Sex at 9000 feet with a Swami” – would be One HECK of a braggable story! It was getting to a peak.. figuratively and literally.. I chuckled.
I went closer to him and touched him. A strange electricity ran through me. He was calm as a rock. His body matched his demeanour. Hard as a rock. I had never been with such a guy.
My passion was aroused such that I couldn’t think of anything anymore. Soon, i was riding on him. Like a wild horse. I was as out there as it ever had been. The situation and the setting made me go wild. Strangely I noticed, that as if his body was responding but “he” wasn’t there. I couldn’t sense his presence. His body, though was completely in the act. I was enjoying the motion, but the emotion was somehow untraceable.
As I held him down and sat up.. I, for the first time, peered into his eyes unknowingly. They were clear.. calm.. cool and warm at the same time.. and soothing…. and in an instant I felt as if I was on a really high roller coaster which came to an abrupt halt… as if I was riding a really very high wave and I suddenly was consumed by the depths of the ocean… SERENE and CALM… almost in an instant. The transition from the height of the wave to the depths of the ocean was almost instantaneous and unpredictable!
I came CRASHING down on him… transfixed.
Was that an orgasm? I didn’t know. It couldn’t be but it felt like one. In fact it almost felt like the joy of many orgasms together! I had never had such an experience!!
I lay there motionless in that bliss. I could feel his body, but I couldn’t sense him. I somehow cannot remember whether I slept that night or not, because I felt awake yet transfixed.. as if I was there but not there. But as I “came” on back to my self, I could sense an energy in me. I had unbounded energy but a calm…. naah.. a SERENITY.. that refused to leave me.
It was as if the centrality … my LOCUS … I don’t know how to define the “me” here or what that was.. But I.. rather my locus was grounded in my Serenity. I could feel it.
As I got up to leave, I saw the Swami. He seemed different now. Smilingly, he said “Going? Today all is clear.. you can easily find your way back.”
I nodded .. unknowingly at the words… and walked out.. as I passed him at the cave-mouth.
He turned back and said again.. partingly… “Take what you got here and live in the world. The Joy is yours. None can take it.” And he disappeared into the dark cave.
The Joy.. the bliss that I unknowingly experienced the entire morning refused to leave me. It was as if I was on perpetual orgasm. That one moment of bliss was with me forever.
Was it the wildness of the act or the Serenity of the culmination that really created that bliss in the act? As I looked at it, I realized that it wasn’t the wildness before… nor the sudden serenity at the culmination… but the fleeting moment of TRANSITION from one to another.. almost overlapping but yet not linked to each other that gave that illusive bliss!
Transition from the wildness of the body giving way to the Serenity of something beyond its capability.. that was triggered by the release of a chemical. It was as if, body was of the act… but I was not. That OVERLAP of the Body and Soul.. in the opposing yet perfectly synchronized exchange… created that ONE .. fleeting.. moment of bliss.
I had been trying all my life to “ground” my locus. “My” as in.. .. well.. I don’t know. Can’t define it.
But I was trying to attach it to something IN THE WORLD. But the world is changing. There was no way to “peg” it to something. It was as if I wanted to tie my self to a pole in the water so i could jump in … but the pole was moving. Suddenly, I was pegged.. grounded.
Not to anything in the world.. but somewhere deep in me. Into some depth of my Serenity. And NOW… although I was constantly riding the wave of life as the world presented it… I was also simultaneously living in that serenity. The fleeting “Overlap” of the orgasm was now permanent.
The COLLAPSE of my “Ride of life” was forever. Every overlap.. in every discrete moment yet continuous experience created an Everlasting Joy. I now live in Everlasting Orgasm.