Blending Your StepFamily 36: At a Crossroad

I met a lovely young woman this past weekend who we shall call Monique.  She is divorced and has a young daughter.  Her husband left her two years ago for another woman.  He moved out of their home they had bought together and right into the new woman’s.  Monique had to short sell her home due to the divorce and chose to move into a two-bedroom apartment.  She has suffered a lot of loss.  The death of her marriage, selling of her beautiful home, and the loss of time with her daughter.

Anyone who has been cheated on can identify with this type of hurt and betrayal.  What happened to “death do us part”?   The emotional crisis that can arise comes with questions like “Am I enough? Or  “What does she have that I don’t”?  or “Why did he fall out of love with me”?  All of this is enough to tear a heart a part.

Monique’s parents were divorced when she was young so she remembers what it is like for the child of divorced parents.  It’s hard.  You love both of your parents and you just want them to like each other.   Her dad and stepdad hated each other but the mistake they made was to let Monique know this and she felt put in the middle.  Put in the middle of adult issues.  Is that fair?  Of course not.  No child should have to shoulder the burden of their parent’s decisions and try to fix them.  Why?  Because they can’t and emotionally they are not developed enough to carry adult size problems.

This amazing young woman decided a year after their divorce to take some time for herself and figure out what she wants to do with her life.  She examined her own heart and she made some very hard choices.

She decided, for her daughter’s sake, that she is going to be friends with her ex-husband.  She determined that her daughter, as far as she can help it, will not be put in the middle.  Her daughter will be allowed to love both of her parents and enjoy her time with her daddy without being pumped for information.  So she called her ex and asked if they could get a cup of coffee together.  She asked him to forgive her for her part in the break up of the marriage and she told him that she has forgiven him.  She said, “For our daughter’s sake, I would like for us to be friends and be friendly toward each other”.  He agreed that would be healthy for their daughter.

They recently attended a school program together and their little girl was so delighted…she exclaimed with a big smile on her face “You and Daddy are really coming together?”

This woman could have chosen to become bitter and really, who would have blamed her?  She was dumped on.  But she has certainly chosen the higher road and because of that, her daughter is the winner.  When we get caught up in hating our exes, the only ones hurt from that are our children.  And perhaps our own hearts.  A bitter person becomes an ugly person no matter how pretty they may be on the outside.  And no one wants to be around a person like that for long.  I have no doubt whatsoever, that this young woman will find another partner at the right time.  Someone who will cherish her for the woman she is and the choices she has made.

Our human nature wants to take the road of getting even, lashing out and bad mouthing our exes.  That’s our sin nature and it can be determined to get it’s own way.  But the strength and character Monique has displayed will benefit not only her daughter but also herself.  She is being a healthy example of how to love, forgive and let go.

Colossians 3:13 says “ Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

If you are finding it difficult to forgive your ex for whatever reason, then maybe you just need someone to come alongside of you and walk with you for a season.  Sometimes our hearts are so wounded we seemingly can’t let go.  I have walked the journey of choosing to forgive so I understand and can help you in your journey to freedom of the past.  Don’t let someone else’s bad choice hold you back any longer.

Please contact me here or at nouveaulifecoaching.com

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