The Bible foretells the coming of Donald John Trump. This is obvious enough that friends keep sending me links to the proofs. Sadly, many of these sites lack academic credibility or overstate their claims.
The case, my friends, is bigly enough without needing exaggeration.
The cases generally hinge on the Bible codes, but these are never repeatable by outside researchers and so I shall have to rely on more publically available exegetical principles:
- use the English Bible. The text may be in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek, but we are talking about America and most Americans speak English.
- use the King James Bible. This is the authorized version and there is no reason to mess with unauthorized Bibles.
- don’t push into weirdsville. Anybody can stretch a case and make Obama the antichrist, but look how wrong that was.
- don’t be distracted by weird uses of Greek or Hebrew, instead use the name we all use for Trump: Trump. We will not be distracted by verses about Ivanka for now (“trumpet”) for we are focussed on the President.
If we follow these simple rules, and use the largest text search engine in the world, we discover five things about our President.
First, we discover Mr. Trump does not appear in the Old Testament.
This is critical, because if the word “trump” were common, we would know that we were getting false positives. It will also relieve Mr. Bannon that (as one figure in Raiders of the Last Ark points out) that President Trump is not too associated with “Jewish ceremonies” and types.
“Trump” when “Trump” appears is a New Testament term.
Second, we can confirm that Mr. Trump is a sign of the End, but in a good way.
52 In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.
Third, we learn that Mr. Trump is good.
For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first. . .
Who will come? It will the Trump of God. Jerry Falwell Jr., laboring at a million a year to get less than half of students through an online program the founder describes as a “cash cow,” has been too hesitant in his exegesis. He has compared Trump to many great Biblical characters, but he failed to see Trump is the Trump of God. He is his own man.
Fourth, we learn that the King James uses the word “trump” sparingly.
Fifth, the Bible says nothing about Trump critics Elizabeth Warren, Chuck Schumer, John McCain, or Evan MacMullin.
Check it yourself. Not one time are the last names of these losers found in the text of the Authorized Version.
But wait, there is more!
Sixth, the Bible does mention any other prominent American politician.
Some of you might believe I am just making this up and it is a “coincidence” that President Trump is mentioned in the Bible. Not only do Reid, Pelosi, even Steve Bannon get no hits. Nobody does. Only President Trump is mentioned in the Authorized Version of the Bible by name, that twice, and always associated with the End.
I think not.
None are so blind as those who cannot see.
Parody (I mean, right?)
This is not political as much as yet another attempt (following our attempts to find Clinton, Obama, and now Trump in the Bible) to do a reductio on our absurdity!