I cursed God like Job’s miserable wifey

I cursed God like Job’s miserable wifey May 31, 2012

I am losing something.

It’s dying.

It’s not someone but it is something very important me.  It’s something that I love very deeply and it’s going away.

I’ve cried.

In the midst of this loss, something else –with great value to me– has been fighting for it’s life too.

I’ve been crying about that too.

In fact, there is very little I don’t cry about it: YouTube video’s, commercials, small dead animals on the side of the road.

I’m an equal opportunity cry-er, nowadays.  A big, fat cry baby is all I am.

My emotions have been all. over. the. place.  I haven’t put up the balloons and made the mix tape but basically my pity party has come.  I’ve been up at night crying, journaling, worrying, unable to sleep because I’m in this almost-dead-but-not-dead-yet state of loss.

So. I have cursed God.  Yelled (mostly in my head), swore, threatened, sulked. Like an obnoxious, angry, strung out teenager I have been mad at God like he reigned down fire on me or something.  I’ve been complaining like it aint nobody’s business and if I were God I would have smitten me by now.  For reals.

This isn’t my usual posture.  I’ve loved and lost a good number of times in these last 16 years since following Jesus, but very rarely have I turned on God, blamed God, yelled at God, cursed God.  I’ve had better responses.  Yet, I wonder if this time is an indication of a deeper trust in God I didn’t even know exists in my heart: that sense of trust so profound I know I can tell him to screw himself and He still won’t leave me.   And I did say that, and He didn’t leave me.

It’s kind of like my little Rhysie.  He treats me the worst of ANYONE in his life.  I get the attitude, the kicks, swats, bites and tantrums 10 x’s as much as his peers, his brother or his Daddy.  Rhysie has my heart.  He knows with certainty in his tiny 2 yr. old brain that Mama loves him and won’t leave him.  He tests me.

I test God.

While I have vacillated between a piss-poor attitude and wildly inappropriate anger outbursts at God I been acting a lot like Job’s wife who counseled her husband to curse God when he lost his livelihood, his home and ALL HIS CHILDREN.  But Job wouldn’t.  And here I am cursing God, and I have lost one thing.

Just one thing.

Oh Lord, forgive me.  I know not what I do or even who I am.

When we are tempted to focus on our loss, we could all stand to be a little bit more like Job.  He focused on what he still had: God and his wife, albeit his cranky wife who —it’s good to remember— lost ALL her children in one day as well.  There’s plenty of grace for the suffering.

My oh my, how things can change so quickly.  Last night I was lying wide awake from 3am – 6am telling God my woeful sorrows when I realized some things.

I realized that in the last three days I have…

…been randomly given 2 free tickets to see Men in Black 3D at a local IMAX theatre. (which I go see tonight)!

…won a blog giveaway for a fun activity set I can gift to R1.

…won another blog giveaway for a book I REALLY wanted but felt like I couldn’t afford to splurge on.

…been offered an opportunity to write & BE PUBLISHED for an anthology of which it is a tremendous honor to be considered for.

…booked my first real client as I plan to pursue life coaching, mentoring and consulting as part of a new career path.

…added a paid sponsor to my blog.

…got a big hug from R2 as he excitedly said “I WUV you, Mama,” and I didn’t even need to tell him to say it first!

A level of suffering has become my new normal.  Yet, it makes the aforementioned list bring a fresh wave of gratitude.  They are ordinary things, but they are God’s graces to me.  They represent something to me…these “little” things that God knows I think about.

I am humbled.

Humbled down to my bones.

So humbled I wish someone would smack me across my face, stuff me in a box and ship me off to the middle of the ocean where I’d die of hypothermia, severe anxiety and hunger.

I totally deserve that.

But, God is not like that.  Instead he offers me all of this!  (Even better than my list).

::::Deep Sigh::::

I am His daughter.

His deeply loved daughter.

Do you ever have allow yourself to be angry at God: to get honest and real with yourself and God?   

 

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  • Savannah Williamson

    I do that all the time. I have no reverence or respect for God. I am always telling God what’s wrong with his universe and tons of other things. I try to control it but I always blow up at him. I’m scared

  • Confused and Angry

    I did the same thing. I am very upset at God and feel he doesnt care about me and lets bad things happen. He has taken away my brother, gave me an evil ex who is trying to take my daughter and going to court all the time to get her back and i am broke, moved my bes tfriend far away,
    injured me and not better but L&I is gong to run out, left me jobless, mom had stroke, dad also in hospital bleeding cripples and bad, boyfriend broke up with me cuz of stress. All of this with the exception of brother has happened in the last bunch of months. I feel like Job and I broke down today and cursed and swore and yelled and said horrible things to God because I can’t take it and he keeps pileing it on. I feel he hates me for whatever sins I have done before.
    I am confused for I was a follower but now I dont know how to feel and now I feel he will surely hate me because i went on a hour rampage of how much he sucks to me (and those r light words).
    Any advice? I just feel he hates me for he has really packed it on this year and cant take it anymore and i want him to stop with the horrible things..I pray and prayfor help and only get more horrible things. I guess God can hate someone right?

  • angel

    Hi…
    I read this blog on cursing God and I do it too…
    I consider myself a strong Christian…but have unresolved anger and impatience issues with God…
    I lash out in my head…in prayer…wherever…I would have hurt me by now too…if I was God but He sees deeper and knows where it stems from…Thank God for that…
    Don’t worry… He loves us…3 months ago I would not have said this to you but now I know…He loves us…all more than we do ourselves…As each day comes HE softens us with His love…and never ending mercy…
    Don’t worry HE never turns us away…and I have cursed Him to his face out loud many times…only to break down crying that I could do that and not be struck down as I was in my human relationships…One day the heart will be convinced and we won’t feel the rage anymore…in the meantime…He is softening and subtling the heart and soul and working out the knots in our fibers and making us putty in His hand…and freeing our mind from this rigid rule oriented world…

  • HonestlySpeaking

    All i ever wanted from God was for him to give me a wife and family that i Don’t have, especially when he has Blessed so many others with that gift.

  • Di

    I cursed God out so bad one day in my anger. I feel like he won’t forgive me. I’m sad. I mean, I even called him horrible names!!