The Sexually Pregnant Mind

I see the curves of my breast and they please. I see the round of my rump and it entices. I see the button of my belly & giggle at its cuteness.I rub the bulging bump that sustains my daughter it is tight but lovely.My legs are thick pillars supporting the whole of us, two beating hearts.My areolas expand into flying saucers while my nipples take on an unyielding demeanor pushing past 3 sturdy layers to embarrass me fully. My breasts have plumped to the next cup overflowing with milk & honey.My face has smoothed itself into a summery glow while my feet have spread into an ogre-like aura.My hair curls tighter while my sense of smell betrays.I lose a few meals now and then but this does not betray my overall impressionI am a voluptuous, baby-making goddess.My mind is on sex to desire and be desired... Join me for the rest on the Mudroom blog? (Where we are exploring sex & sexuality for the month of March). … [Read more...]

The Joy & Pain of a Broken Empath

Empathy. Many days, it's awful. Being a broken empath? Nearly unbearable. I understand the "gift" of empathy. I understand that those of you who connect with my writing & have encouraged me to *finally* finish my memoir -or any book for that matter- see the spiritual gift of empathy in me. Being able to see & speak into the pain of others is a tremendously beautiful gift God has graciously allowed me to have to make my sista-frans & beautiful brothas a bit more at home in a world full of rejection. But. Empathy is the taking on of others pain. And I am a "high empath." Which means I'm feeling another's pain *almost* as if it were my own. If I'm closely connected to someone who's pain is unleashed in irresponsible ways, I am literally absorbing toxicity much like the dude on the 1st season of Heroes who absorbed others powers after he killed them, except I don't kill people so there's that. I digress.Yesterday I had a safe space conversation in which I ran through … [Read more...]

Jars of Clay

When I was a kid my Ma often told me how things were 'going to get better.'  She was never one to keep the hardships of life for me. I was the 4th, the unexpected later-in-life baby due to a bad hook-up after a tumultuous marriage to an alcoholic, years of single motherhood, crushing life disappointments, exhaustion from years on the Detroit police force, the beginnings of mental illness & of course the ever threatening presence of poverty.  Then me. At almost 40? Sista girl was tired.When I wanted a new toy or new clothes, she didn't mince words. We couldn't afford it. When our lights or heat wasn't running. Sorry, not enough money to go around. When we couldn't get to places because we didn't have gas, I knew money for the month ran out. She let me in on all of it. The weight of financial worries sat like an elephant on my chest for much of my childhood.She often promised things would get better. Next year, she'd say. Next month, she'd say. When this happens, things will b … [Read more...]

I Hate Thanksgiving

The day after Thanksgiving, I sat & cried with my husband about how much I hate Thanksgiving. This year, I find myself emotionally gutted over Drumpf's politics of course. Who isn't?  Even bigger than that my heart remained heavy at the treatment of the Standing Rock protesters. On Thanksgiving. With frigid water. In frigid temperatures. Why can't the United States keep it's treaties with Native Americans?  Why are we incapable of treating Native Americans fairly? Why God why? My heart hurts for them. They fight to protect sacred land & get nearly killed for doing so.So. There's that. Sigh.Without fail, every year I tend to dread Thanksgiving & Christmas. Has anyone else noticed this incredible expectation attached to these days? YOU AND YOUR BIG, BEAUTIFUL FAMILY MUST ALL BE HAPPY! THANKFUL! FULL! *Insert eye-roll emoji* This expectation was something I read loud & clear long before social media gave us clues about not only what we should feel on these holidays … [Read more...]

Found

I'm writing today over at Raising Mothers in honor of the 4th annual Black Breastfeeding Week. Breastfeeding is such an important everyday matter in the lives of my people & one that did not come easily for me & my beautiful babies. If you didn't catch my post on miscarriage & infant loss this is a bit of a follow up...Lost & Found.Found: To NurtureI’ve wanted to breastfeed just as long as I’ve dreamed of being a mama. In a box somewhere there is a photo of little girl me: I’m wearing my denim overalls, flap down, smiling big as I held my favorite doll up to a flat little girl chest. As the last born, I never got to see Ma breastfeed my older siblings; in fact I don’t know that she did. I’m not sure where my desire to breastfeed came from. I certainly didn’t see it modeled responsibly in the media— if it all. I didn’t know any breastfeeding families, let alone any Black families taking part in a larger conversation regarding breastfeeding.My firstborn son … [Read more...]

I Used To Be a Minister

I used to a be a Minister. I served in a ministry position for 12 years. For about 259 reasons I walked away from it, which was healthy & necessary at the time. Intuitively, I knew the storm brewing in my heart and life was bigger than I could handle. Also, I was one half of a crumbling, toxic marriage. As the nightmares of life grew I went on to have a breakdown of sorts including but not limited to PSTD, depression and spectacular moral failures of epic proportions. The marriage disintegrated into a million little ugly pieces, followed by a traumatic divorce & an equally traumatic custody battle where I genuinely feared I would lose my children. During that time, I lost my job, every penny I had, I was *nearly* homeless, slightly suicidal and spent a week in rehab followed by months in Anonymous meetings. I threw away a lot. I ran from a lot. I lost a lot. I hurt a lot. I was hurting. Deeply, deeply hurting.When I’ve casually thrown around the phrase “I put a blo … [Read more...]

I Switched Husbands

I got off the plane and in the car with 6 other women, perfect strangers. I was in Nebraska, a state I’d never been before nor expected to ever go. I was there as the keynote speaker for the women’s retreat, Jumping Tandem. Given the nature of my previous three years, keynoting was also unexpected. Quite. My heart contained all the feels. Wait, let me clarify: my heart contained all the wrong feels……I am divorced, therefore horrible.…I am dating someone new, very seriously, and I am So Incredibly Happy, therefore horrible.…I am the only woman who’s ever been divorced & moved on quickly, therefore alone…and horrible to boot.The 6 of us chatted for awhile and I calmed a bit. We stopped for lunch and I sat across a genuinely sweet woman. I asked why she and her husband waited so long in between her oldest teen and the youngest kiddos all under 5.  “Oh,” she said with a lighthearted smile, “I switched husbands.”  I squirmed a little, knowing I too, was in the process of swit … [Read more...]

Without Self Pity: Ruthless

Yesterday, I posted on my public FB page about life being impossible and awful and how I had no hope and therefore must die. Or...something like that.A bit ago, the company I was working for folded & all of sudden *poof* I'm unemployed. As it turns out, they were straight up swindlers. They owe a lot of us a good chunk of change & made it impossible for any of us to collect unemployment in the midst of this abrupt change. No notice, just goodbye and right before the holidays.A few weeks ago the stress of this situation started folding in on me like a backpack of stress getting heavier by the day. But last week, I got THEE MOST unexpected news that I could be suffering from a serious non-pregnancy related medical condition and we're still waiting on test results. What in the actual? I've been healthy as a horse. I'm significantly jarred.When life is unpredictable like this, particularly because I'm pregnant & suffering through hella morning sickness straight … [Read more...]

I asked for two letters

A few weeks before Christmas, my 10 yr. old asked what he could give me for Christmas that would be meaningful for me. Truthfully, he asked what he could do for me, substituting as a Christmas gift. His Dad had mentioned a few tasks around the house that Ransom agreed to do in exchange for a gift. Now, he'd come to me asking if I wanted him to clean my bathroom as a meaningful gesture. Very sweet indeed.I told him nothing would mean more to me than a handwritten letter straight from his heart.Really?!  He asked. That's it?Son, you have no idea. A letter from you would launch me to the moon. :::: When the husband came around sniffing for Christmas ideas I told him the exact same thing. Our December was much tighter financially than we'd expected and as much I'd loved a big, expensive romantic gesture I wanted nothing more than a simple letter.Really?! A letter?! Ugh. That's what you want? Another letter?!Yes babe. I really, really, really, really do. :::: Last … [Read more...]

In Which I Pare Things Down

When my ex & I separated, I took so few things. I didn't want a lot from that house, honestly. Over the years, I'd become completely overwhelmed with more than a decade of pat-rack accumulation. There was so much.So much stuff. The mess of that house was the face of our despair. I took my books & my clothes and not much else but a fake plant. Not a coffee table, not a sheet set. Not a couch.  Not a fork, not a cup, not a pot to piss or cook in. I started my life post-separation in a mostly empty apartment of which I was incredibly grateful. The emptiness, a reminder of the freedom from all sorts of messes I'd been eager to escape.It became very apparent, very quickly the one thing I had too much of, the one thing that could make even a mostly empty apartment seem downright filled to capacity was the ridiculous amount of clothes in my closet. And on the floor of the closet. And next to the bed. And on the floor of the laundry room. And everywhere.Still. I couldn't … [Read more...]