The Sexually Pregnant Mind

I see the curves of my breast and they please. I see the round of my rump and it entices. I see the button of my belly & giggle at its cuteness.I rub the bulging bump that sustains my daughter it is tight but lovely.My legs are thick pillars supporting the whole of us, two beating hearts.My areolas expand into flying saucers while my nipples take on an unyielding demeanor pushing past 3 sturdy layers to embarrass me fully. My breasts have plumped to the next cup overflowing with milk & honey.My face has smoothed itself into a summery glow while my feet have spread into an ogre-like aura.My hair curls tighter while my sense of smell betrays.I lose a few meals now and then but this does not betray my overall impressionI am a voluptuous, baby-making goddess.My mind is on sex to desire and be desired... Join me for the rest on the Mudroom blog? (Where we are exploring sex & sexuality for the month of March). … [Read more...]

The Joy & Pain of a Broken Empath

Empathy. Many days, it's awful. Being a broken empath? Nearly unbearable. I understand the "gift" of empathy. I understand that those of you who connect with my writing & have encouraged me to *finally* finish my memoir -or any book for that matter- see the spiritual gift of empathy in me. Being able to see & speak into the pain of others is a tremendously beautiful gift God has graciously allowed me to have to make my sista-frans & beautiful brothas a bit more at home in a world full of rejection. But. Empathy is the taking on of others pain. And I am a "high empath." Which means I'm feeling another's pain *almost* as if it were my own. If I'm closely connected to someone who's pain is unleashed in irresponsible ways, I am literally absorbing toxicity much like the dude on the 1st season of Heroes who absorbed others powers after he killed them, except I don't kill people so there's that. I digress.Yesterday I had a safe space conversation in which I ran through … [Read more...]

I Switched Husbands

I got off the plane and in the car with 6 other women, perfect strangers. I was in Nebraska, a state I’d never been before nor expected to ever go. I was there as the keynote speaker for the women’s retreat, Jumping Tandem. Given the nature of my previous three years, keynoting was also unexpected. Quite. My heart contained all the feels. Wait, let me clarify: my heart contained all the wrong feels……I am divorced, therefore horrible.…I am dating someone new, very seriously, and I am So Incredibly Happy, therefore horrible.…I am the only woman who’s ever been divorced & moved on quickly, therefore alone…and horrible to boot.The 6 of us chatted for awhile and I calmed a bit. We stopped for lunch and I sat across a genuinely sweet woman. I asked why she and her husband waited so long in between her oldest teen and the youngest kiddos all under 5.  “Oh,” she said with a lighthearted smile, “I switched husbands.”  I squirmed a little, knowing I too, was in the process of swit … [Read more...]

I asked for two letters

A few weeks before Christmas, my 10 yr. old asked what he could give me for Christmas that would be meaningful for me. Truthfully, he asked what he could do for me, substituting as a Christmas gift. His Dad had mentioned a few tasks around the house that Ransom agreed to do in exchange for a gift. Now, he'd come to me asking if I wanted him to clean my bathroom as a meaningful gesture. Very sweet indeed.I told him nothing would mean more to me than a handwritten letter straight from his heart.Really?!  He asked. That's it?Son, you have no idea. A letter from you would launch me to the moon. :::: When the husband came around sniffing for Christmas ideas I told him the exact same thing. Our December was much tighter financially than we'd expected and as much I'd loved a big, expensive romantic gesture I wanted nothing more than a simple letter.Really?! A letter?! Ugh. That's what you want? Another letter?!Yes babe. I really, really, really, really do. :::: Last … [Read more...]

Lost

October is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. Today, I'm sharing over at RaisingMothers.com about the ones I've lost.:::::When I was younger, I was a big ball of happy, jumbled emotions when my ex & I decided to try for our first child. This unknown, unmade hypothetical baby was something I’d wanted since forever. We were married for 4 years and I begged him to start trying from the morning after the wedding. I had deeply & desperately longed for a baby since I was 14 when my completely obnoxious & raging maternal instinct kicked in. In fact, so strong were my desires for motherhood that I’d actually convinced my high school boyfriend that we should try for a baby.  And we did! At 15! Lord Jesus & Father in Heaven thank you that that didn’t happen.Many years later, my ex & I married young. At 23, I was a new wife. Now that I felt the security of a stable home and an adoring, gainfully employed husband I was ready to procreate. My ex, however, was no … [Read more...]

On Fear

This morning I woke up afraid. There was a bit of a thunderstorm and the slow rumble while I slept jerked me awake in fear of an earthquake.  Earthquakes are incredibly rare where I live but the accompanying fear was now present despite its unrealistic origin. Instead of being able to roll over and go back to sleep the fear latched on to other things, as it almost always does because gripping fear is a miserable shrew.I wanted to hold my husband, desperate to be covered by him like a Mama bird engulfing her chick in her wings. I find complete safety in his embrace, particularly in the morning, providing me that extra courage typical from intimate human connection. But he’s not here this morning and I feel the loss of his physical presence acutely.  In the very next moment, I’m overcome with gratitude for his friendship and I know in the next few days he’ll be home. My love will be home and my anticipation momentarily calms.Yet, the fear of my waking moments coupled with overwhe … [Read more...]

In which it is okay for me to exist here

I shared a FaceBook post last week that made me feel powerfully vulnerable and ashamed.  Bloggers call this a "vulnerability hangover," which seems pretty all true.  I shared it after tossing and turning one night, after hearing some harsh words spoken about me, I wanted to rise up and defend myself.On a subterranean level, I wanted to articulate that it was okay with me to be heard, to be powerful, to stand up for myself.  I wanted to acknowledge the depth of my struggles -as I've tried to again & again- while also acknowledging that my marriage as a living, breathing organism deeply wounded me as well.  That's not something I've been able to articulate in very many settings, if it all.  I've mentioned over the years an abiding depth of sadness but Lord knows I wasn't able to articulate the plethora of issues we faced beyond my counselor and 2 trusted friends who "got" it.Later, the fall out.  A few Faceboook friends lost (though I did invite this) & an acknowledgement … [Read more...]

Meet Fred.

Recently, I was asked to write a blog post about a Minister I have learned from who has made a positive impact in my life.Can we celebrate the people who have directly poured into us, instead of the random celebrities who sometimes entertain us?Given the ways my previous supervisor has recently cared for me, this was an easy task to do.Meet Fred.He's nothing like me, you know.  In fact, we may be almost complete opposites on any given personality test.  What we lose in Meyers-Briggs compatibility we more than make up for in mutual respect, kindness and a healthy dollop of humor.We do have running in common!  Only he runs Bostons...and I run, well, 14 minutes per mile.Fred serves as the Regional Director in the Midwest for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA where I used to be in ministry for the past 12 years.Fred is responsible for thousands of college students, hundreds of staff and multiple campuses across the 4 state region.  Due to staffing losses he's oft … [Read more...]

Minister Mama No More

Seems to me when we flip our lives right side up we move in fear and when we flip our lives upside down we move in foolishness.In the last little while I've flipped in fear and foolishness.Allow me please, to tell you how I've flipped life right side up in fear...Many of my old readers know this, but for the sake of my new ones and the beauty of forthrightness I thought I'd finally blog about why I left my employment with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA.Leaving InterVarsity wasn't just leaving my favorite job ever, it was leaving family.  InterVarsity practically raised me.  I still love InterVarsity with all my heart.In the midst of leaving, I left my online identity, "Minister Mama" behind.  Remember her? <-------------------(Actually, the "Minister Mama" signature still lingers on many of my posts).Most importantly, I left something that had been one of the most cherished things in my life for 16 years.I left something that my identity had bee … [Read more...]

Someone had the nerve to say marriage was easy and I have a response

I was aghast, my friends.Aghast when I came across this post called: The 'Just You Wait' Mantra: Is Marriage Really That Hard? on Her.meneutics (Christianity Today's blog for women).  The post was written by Sharon Hodde Miller.In the post Sharon discusses how lots of people gave her the 'just you wait,' advice regarding the difficulties of marriage.  Sharon feels that some of the "advice" given to her about the first or second year of marriage was unhelpful.A quote from her post:"Now, heading into our fourth year of marriage and expecting our first child any day now, my husband and I continue to receive these counsels of doom. Between the “just you wait” predictions about the unavoidable doldrums of marriage, or the “just you wait” warnings about the difficulties of parenting, some people feel obliged to fix our worries on the future rather than encourage us to enjoy the present.Just you wait. Why do Christians sling this statement at one another? Is the motivation ge … [Read more...]