Sitting with Jesus at Sex Camp

I remember meeting Jesus once at sex camp. It wasn't our first meeting, but an important one.Everyday I walked up to a giant, beautiful, colorful painting of Jesus’s head, hair blowing in the wind. The massive painting hung on the wall of the Church where I was attending a week long retreat for women being treated for female sex addiction...what I like to call 'Sex Camp.'When I first saw the painting I was taken aback. Great art captures one that way. And the size, my God, it was huge. I said “well hello there Jesus.” In that moment he seemed so real with his piercing brown eyes bigger than my head. In the course of the week, every time I passed it I'd say “Hi Jesus!" I’d try to say sweetly but somewhat sarcastically “it’s another great day at sex camp!”  "How are you feeling about sex camp?"  "Me?" "Oh, well I feel deep shame & loathing self-pity, so there's that. I'd rather be on a cruise. No offense."Join me to read the rest over at the Mudroom blog?&n … [Read more...]

Things Are Changing

Things are changing. I'm so grateful, Good Lawd, God Almighty in heaven, I am so grateful. So. So. Grateful.I'm in reinvention: the absolute necessity to start again, the demand for change before rock-bottom meets certain death, the soul crying out for hope begging you to not to give up on your life type of reinvention. I'm in the latter half I believe. I'm through the hardest part. I'm peeking out now at the horizon seeing it's beauty, awestruck.The valley part, the low part, it's still dark there. I've had more than one ugly cry over the scariness of reinvention and the losses that crystallize. My job, for example, is the first career-oriented position in for-profit work I've had in 15 years. Career-wise, I had no choice but to reinvent.What is 2nd marriage if NOT the opportunity to reinvent the asshattery you brought to the 1st one? If I do nothing different in my 2nd marriage I have not evolved I've merely added a new spinning plate.  And my new husband is anything but … [Read more...]

In which it is okay for me to exist here

I shared a FaceBook post last week that made me feel powerfully vulnerable and ashamed.  Bloggers call this a "vulnerability hangover," which seems pretty all true.  I shared it after tossing and turning one night, after hearing some harsh words spoken about me, I wanted to rise up and defend myself.On a subterranean level, I wanted to articulate that it was okay with me to be heard, to be powerful, to stand up for myself.  I wanted to acknowledge the depth of my struggles -as I've tried to again & again- while also acknowledging that my marriage as a living, breathing organism deeply wounded me as well.  That's not something I've been able to articulate in very many settings, if it all.  I've mentioned over the years an abiding depth of sadness but Lord knows I wasn't able to articulate the plethora of issues we faced beyond my counselor and 2 trusted friends who "got" it.Later, the fall out.  A few Faceboook friends lost (though I did invite this) & an acknowledgement … [Read more...]

Struggling with Grace

*I wrote the following guest post for the upcoming Jumping Tandem Retreat coming up May 1-3 in Ashland, NE which I'll be key-noting on the 1st evening!  Please, pretty please come join us! Learn more about it here & register here.*Hello, my name is Grace and I’ve struggled with grace.Some say, actually many have told me that I embody my name.  They say I am rightly named, that I show grace and have grace, yada yada yada. I haven’t fought those compliments like I usually do other compliments (i.e. Hey Grace I like those boots, Me: Oh these old things? From Wal-Mart? From 2010?).Instead of a simple ‘thank you,’ I tend to downplay the perceived compliment (i.e. Please don’t find me special in any way because honestly these really are old boots!  Or more truthfully:please don’t find me special in any way because I AM NOT DESERVING OF YOUR ADMIRATION UNDER ANY SINGLE SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES, mkay?).As if your calling attention to my old, cheapie Wal-Mart boots will s … [Read more...]

Light in the Darkness

On grace, the light in the darkness.  I'm guest posting today for my homie, Juan Lopez.Grace in the light of Christ means having courage.  Courage to get out of bed and face the fears of basic living that overwhelm knowing grace will carry you through it.  Courage when, having gotten out of said bed you do something, anything really that acknowledges said grace is present whether you feel it or not.  You move through the overwhelm a little slower than usual, more thankful than usual because grace pushes your limited understanding of what is “deserved.” If you manage to get through that day, you do the same thing again and again and after a while realizing just how much grace that got you through each humbling, embarrassing and terrible day...Read the rest on Running La Carrera? … [Read more...]

God am I really trusting you because ‘ish is f*cked?

About 7 months ago, shit fell apart.  All the way apart.  In every way, apart.  Complete decimation of normalcy.  It was, in part what divorce and custody battles do to folks, but there was so much more.  Nothing felt scarier than transitioning out of a 14 yr. marriage whilst facing the worst part of myself whilst taking a moral inventory of my soul.  Nothing felt scarier then scooping out 15 layers of grime, gunk, filth, dirt & shame particles everywhere.  When I wasn't scooping, I sat there inhaling poisonous fumes fearful to move, fearful to scoop, fearful to admit defeat. Paralyzed by fear, yet hungry for change.During that time -the worst of the worst time- a former InterVarsity colleague and friend of mine, Joe Ella invited me to a retreat she was planning for women in ministry, official or unofficial.Joe Ella, chile, I am in no place to be "in ministry," I said. But she assured me that it was a retreat to pour into women and she wanted me there.Joe Ella, chile, I … [Read more...]

I Am Not Okay

Are you okay?They see you cry.They see you fall in a fast, steep crumble.Are you okay?There’s so much to fear, so much to worry about.They roll up their sleeves: what can be done?Is it going to be okay?Dunno, you say.////Maybe not.Maybe it will hurt for an extraordinarily long time.Maybe always.////What happened to you?  How did you get…this way?You know what happened to me. You know what..he did.I’m reeling, you cry.I am reeling...You can read the rest here.  Join me? … [Read more...]

God Knits

"And now you ask me through your tears, the age-old question through the years: Heredity or environment, which are you the product of? Neither, my darling, neither. Just two different kinds of love."////{via}Who am I? Why I'm here?I'm here because he saw her. They said yes to adulterous passion.  It's simple as that.Eons before all that, He decided to make a Grace Sandra Green.  Throughout 1976 He did a little knitting.  He knew my name, frame & favorite video game.  Tetris. A centennial baby, He said.That covers the "why," unless we focus on those pesky "why's" that give us these existential mid-life crisis'.Who am I after grit & grace, in between the passionate lover and the angry advocate?Dunno.I am lost. I am found.I am slathered in grace but bound by judgement.  {My own}I am quiet with Him.  I am loud in emotion.I am sorry.  I am proud.I am beautiful.  I am yellow.I am a Mama. I am selfish.I am dreaming.  I am nightmar … [Read more...]

Racism Distracted Me From Purity Culture

Yesterday a friend posted on Facebook from April Fiet about not praying for her children's future spouses.  After some comments back & forth on the Facebook post we realized we had some similar thinking about this which is not to give our children the idea that they aren't whole people if they never marry.  Yet, I vehemently disagree that we shouldn't pray for our children's future spouses if they are to marry.Here's how I responded on FB:I like the idea behind this but I also want the same things as her while also praying that if my boys wind up married that it's good and healthy to invest some prayers for such a life altering decision! Especially now that my boys will see that it doesn't always work out & because they likely won't be raised in "purity culture." We also pray for Haiti & persecuted Christians & healing & their neighbor down the street and the scab on Rhysie's leg. I think ignoring the possibility of marriage feels like a wide swing in the o … [Read more...]

I Missed the Memo on How to Relate to God when “Living in Sin”

“Grace, you are living in sin.”What does it mean to be living “in sin?”  Ya know, as opposed to every human being’s regular old daily sin habit –lust in the heart, hatred, jealousy, etc.   Every day, each one of us -by the Lord’s standards- falls short blah blah blah. We all know the verse.“So.  What crosses the line from just plain old sin to living in sin?” Cindy asks me.  We pontificate this over the phone one frantic morning, both of us trying to wrangle our children for school and prepare ourselves for work.  The sense of urgency to figure this out smacking us in the face because the night before I’d had a serious conversation with a mentor who told me it’d be better for me to be 18 again, (not knowing Jesus at all) than it is for me now to be living in sin.  He made references to different ancient Greek words for sin in Scripture which pertain to motive –the difference between sins of omission and commission.But isn’t that a slippery slope? she asks.And what’s the … [Read more...]