The Sexually Pregnant Mind

I see the curves of my breast and they please. I see the round of my rump and it entices. I see the button of my belly & giggle at its cuteness.I rub the bulging bump that sustains my daughter it is tight but lovely.My legs are thick pillars supporting the whole of us, two beating hearts.My areolas expand into flying saucers while my nipples take on an unyielding demeanor pushing past 3 sturdy layers to embarrass me fully. My breasts have plumped to the next cup overflowing with milk & honey.My face has smoothed itself into a summery glow while my feet have spread into an ogre-like aura.My hair curls tighter while my sense of smell betrays.I lose a few meals now and then but this does not betray my overall impressionI am a voluptuous, baby-making goddess.My mind is on sex to desire and be desired... Join me for the rest on the Mudroom blog? (Where we are exploring sex & sexuality for the month of March). … [Read more...]

The Joy & Pain of a Broken Empath

Empathy. Many days, it's awful. Being a broken empath? Nearly unbearable. I understand the "gift" of empathy. I understand that those of you who connect with my writing & have encouraged me to *finally* finish my memoir -or any book for that matter- see the spiritual gift of empathy in me. Being able to see & speak into the pain of others is a tremendously beautiful gift God has graciously allowed me to have to make my sista-frans & beautiful brothas a bit more at home in a world full of rejection. But. Empathy is the taking on of others pain. And I am a "high empath." Which means I'm feeling another's pain *almost* as if it were my own. If I'm closely connected to someone who's pain is unleashed in irresponsible ways, I am literally absorbing toxicity much like the dude on the 1st season of Heroes who absorbed others powers after he killed them, except I don't kill people so there's that. I digress.Yesterday I had a safe space conversation in which I ran through … [Read more...]

In Which Rescue is on Deck

I turn 40 later this month, and as such have become hella reflective. This year has been one of the worst years of my life. So much so, I’m thinking of canceling my 40th birthday party. Please, please forgive my swears, but what is the gottdamb mutha-effin’ point of a celebration when you are wildly swiveling through the five stages of grief every other day or week? And please know, I do not say any of this lightly. I do not say that for the sake of page hits, Facebook hyperbole, ‘likes’ or pity.I say this because it’s completely, wildly, disappointingly, surprisingly, mortifyingly true. For those of you who’ve kept up with my blog & my writings know that the implosion of my 1st marriage, a complete breakdown, a fierce custody battle, an ugly divorce are all a part of my story, and that too was deeply painful. This year rivals the level of pain & hopelessness of those years. I cannot say why. I am still surprised at the turn of events. I only know life is as equally a nightm … [Read more...]

I Hate Thanksgiving

The day after Thanksgiving, I sat & cried with my husband about how much I hate Thanksgiving. This year, I find myself emotionally gutted over Drumpf's politics of course. Who isn't?  Even bigger than that my heart remained heavy at the treatment of the Standing Rock protesters. On Thanksgiving. With frigid water. In frigid temperatures. Why can't the United States keep it's treaties with Native Americans?  Why are we incapable of treating Native Americans fairly? Why God why? My heart hurts for them. They fight to protect sacred land & get nearly killed for doing so.So. There's that. Sigh.Without fail, every year I tend to dread Thanksgiving & Christmas. Has anyone else noticed this incredible expectation attached to these days? YOU AND YOUR BIG, BEAUTIFUL FAMILY MUST ALL BE HAPPY! THANKFUL! FULL! *Insert eye-roll emoji* This expectation was something I read loud & clear long before social media gave us clues about not only what we should feel on these holidays … [Read more...]

Sitting with Jesus at Sex Camp

I remember meeting Jesus once at sex camp. It wasn't our first meeting, but an important one.Everyday I walked up to a giant, beautiful, colorful painting of Jesus’s head, hair blowing in the wind. The massive painting hung on the wall of the Church where I was attending a week long retreat for women being treated for female sex addiction...what I like to call 'Sex Camp.'When I first saw the painting I was taken aback. Great art captures one that way. And the size, my God, it was huge. I said “well hello there Jesus.” In that moment he seemed so real with his piercing brown eyes bigger than my head. In the course of the week, every time I passed it I'd say “Hi Jesus!" I’d try to say sweetly but somewhat sarcastically “it’s another great day at sex camp!”  "How are you feeling about sex camp?"  "Me?" "Oh, well I feel deep shame & loathing self-pity, so there's that. I'd rather be on a cruise. No offense."Join me to read the rest over at the Mudroom blog?&n … [Read more...]

If I Had Died in 1999

I must admit I'm borrowing the idea for this post from fellow Patheos blogger, Steve Austin's powerful post...Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I'm woefully familiar with the suicide battle. I've struggled with suicidal ideations & a near attempt in 1999. A close consideration in 2004. A close call in 2014. Basically,  all of my adult life I've struggled on and off with some form of depression: the regular kind, post traumatic stress disorder, P.M.D.D. and two bouts of postpartum depression. As of today, I'm 8 weeks out from having a newborn, wading through some form of Baby Blues praying it doesn't evolve into another heavy round of postpartum, but is likely more a symptom of situational life stress.A lot of my struggles with mental illness issues come directly from childhood trauma that bled into teen trauma, that bled into college trauma, that bled into marriage, life & situational traumas. Some of my own doing...divorce, addiction and such. For those of us … [Read more...]

I Used To Be a Minister

I used to a be a Minister. I served in a ministry position for 12 years. For about 259 reasons I walked away from it, which was healthy & necessary at the time. Intuitively, I knew the storm brewing in my heart and life was bigger than I could handle. Also, I was one half of a crumbling, toxic marriage. As the nightmares of life grew I went on to have a breakdown of sorts including but not limited to PSTD, depression and spectacular moral failures of epic proportions. The marriage disintegrated into a million little ugly pieces, followed by a traumatic divorce & an equally traumatic custody battle where I genuinely feared I would lose my children. During that time, I lost my job, every penny I had, I was *nearly* homeless, slightly suicidal and spent a week in rehab followed by months in Anonymous meetings. I threw away a lot. I ran from a lot. I lost a lot. I hurt a lot. I was hurting. Deeply, deeply hurting.When I’ve casually thrown around the phrase “I put a blo … [Read more...]

I Will Not Fly Today

I know why the uncaged bird doesn't sing.What lurks beyond the cage I cannot say.I reach, but knees knock against hollowed-out bones like the hollowed heart of their carrier.Doors swivel, flip, revolve out of character.The path unclear.Will I fly out over, around or under?  I cannot decipher a clipped wing from a mended one.I am mentally trapped as a Stallion tied to a plastic patio.The uncaged bird doesn't sing.What song sings of hovering and haunting?Which lines describe the demonic fingers clawing against infested wounds, grasping through caged wires?What lyrics embrace the bubbling acids of uncomfortable bellies and irregular heart palpitations catalyzed by adrenaline laced veins?What chorus would you add to the jittery jumps and perceived threats of violence when he gently comes in the room?And what of the Bridge?Shall I raise my voice in a triumphant cacophony of screeching heaves and moans?Shall the finale please you to … [Read more...]

The Shame Oh the Shame Oh the Shame

I hung out with some of my alumni recently.  (If you're new here...I worked in college ministry for 12 yrs.)  My guuuuurl, Tia noticed me lookin' all sad and dejected.  When we talked later, I told her it wasn't about anything she'd imagined, but just regular ole shame.  The type of shame that makes you wanna burrow under blankets with angry loud music to drown out the thoughts.  I sat there, huddled on the carpeted basement floor leaning on Shan's & Stephen's legs, laughing and listening to the cadence of their lives as they march through their late 20's to early 30's to the beat of their own brilliant drums.Most of them, I'd met as snotty nose freshman.  Most of them, are married with children.  I was -at one point- their respected leader.  I was -at one point- the one they went to with relationship or marriage advice. Now, I'm not.  Truth is, I'm not anything remotely close to what I used to be for them.  The impact of that hit me in a new way while I sat & laughed wi … [Read more...]

I wish you could see yourself the way I do

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you!He was all flummoxed.  All concerned.  Reasonably so.  I'd communicated something-or-other about how I'm-not-good-enough-for-this or don't-deserve-this  OR THAT.  I'd weaseled my way out of kind words and decided instead to settle on why it's okay for someone to treat me poorly because, really, it was all just a big misunderstanding.  And yes, this friend loves me -of course- this friend just isn't sensitive to my issues.  And besides, I can't expect to be treated like a normal human being all the time.  I spit excuses faster than a speeding bullet.I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, he reiterates.It carried weight for me.  He'd said it with so much emotion, so much like a black pastor when he's hoopin', heavin' & hollerin'.  It was filled with all of that longing and all of that frustration because he knows and I know it: I don't see myself the way he sees me.I wish you could see yourself the way I see you … [Read more...]