In Which Rescue is on Deck

I turn 40 later this month, and as such have become hella reflective. This year has been one of the worst years of my life. So much so, I’m thinking of canceling my 40th birthday party. Please, please forgive my swears, but what is the gottdamb mutha-effin’ point of a celebration when you are wildly swiveling through the five stages of grief every other day or week? And please know, I do not say any of this lightly. I do not say that for the sake of page hits, Facebook hyperbole, ‘likes’ or pity.I say this because it’s completely, wildly, disappointingly, surprisingly, mortifyingly true. For those of you who’ve kept up with my blog & my writings know that the implosion of my 1st marriage, a complete breakdown, a fierce custody battle, an ugly divorce are all a part of my story, and that too was deeply painful. This year rivals the level of pain & hopelessness of those years. I cannot say why. I am still surprised at the turn of events. I only know life is as equally a nightm … [Read more...]

Why Don’t You Believe Us?

I am a queer woman. I fear for the dissolution of the legal marriage with my wife.I am an American-born, Arab-American. I fear Islamophobic harassment which almost every member of my American-born family has experienced. I fear the impact of registration on my friends & family.I am a refugee hoping to be united with family. I fear I'll never see them again.I am a Black American. I fear the implications of a white nationalist recently named as Trump's chief of staff.I am a Mexican American. I fear the impact of The Great Wall of Mexico will have on immigrant families & the poor.I am a woman. I fear the implications of living in a country where it's okay for our President to explain away sexually predatory behavior even as he's headed to trial on child rape charges. //// Many of us are legitimately scared. Lots of us are terrified. Some can't stop crying. Others have overwhelm. There is an unrest that has very little to do with losing the candidate of … [Read more...]

On Fear

This morning I woke up afraid. There was a bit of a thunderstorm and the slow rumble while I slept jerked me awake in fear of an earthquake.  Earthquakes are incredibly rare where I live but the accompanying fear was now present despite its unrealistic origin. Instead of being able to roll over and go back to sleep the fear latched on to other things, as it almost always does because gripping fear is a miserable shrew.I wanted to hold my husband, desperate to be covered by him like a Mama bird engulfing her chick in her wings. I find complete safety in his embrace, particularly in the morning, providing me that extra courage typical from intimate human connection. But he’s not here this morning and I feel the loss of his physical presence acutely.  In the very next moment, I’m overcome with gratitude for his friendship and I know in the next few days he’ll be home. My love will be home and my anticipation momentarily calms.Yet, the fear of my waking moments coupled with overwhe … [Read more...]

I Will Not Fly Today

I know why the uncaged bird doesn't sing.What lurks beyond the cage I cannot say.I reach, but knees knock against hollowed-out bones like the hollowed heart of their carrier.Doors swivel, flip, revolve out of character.The path unclear.Will I fly out over, around or under?  I cannot decipher a clipped wing from a mended one.I am mentally trapped as a Stallion tied to a plastic patio.The uncaged bird doesn't sing.What song sings of hovering and haunting?Which lines describe the demonic fingers clawing against infested wounds, grasping through caged wires?What lyrics embrace the bubbling acids of uncomfortable bellies and irregular heart palpitations catalyzed by adrenaline laced veins?What chorus would you add to the jittery jumps and perceived threats of violence when he gently comes in the room?And what of the Bridge?Shall I raise my voice in a triumphant cacophony of screeching heaves and moans?Shall the finale please you to … [Read more...]

Struggling with Grace

*I wrote the following guest post for the upcoming Jumping Tandem Retreat coming up May 1-3 in Ashland, NE which I'll be key-noting on the 1st evening!  Please, pretty please come join us! Learn more about it here & register here.*Hello, my name is Grace and I’ve struggled with grace.Some say, actually many have told me that I embody my name.  They say I am rightly named, that I show grace and have grace, yada yada yada. I haven’t fought those compliments like I usually do other compliments (i.e. Hey Grace I like those boots, Me: Oh these old things? From Wal-Mart? From 2010?).Instead of a simple ‘thank you,’ I tend to downplay the perceived compliment (i.e. Please don’t find me special in any way because honestly these really are old boots!  Or more truthfully:please don’t find me special in any way because I AM NOT DESERVING OF YOUR ADMIRATION UNDER ANY SINGLE SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES, mkay?).As if your calling attention to my old, cheapie Wal-Mart boots will s … [Read more...]

Minister Mama No More

Seems to me when we flip our lives right side up we move in fear and when we flip our lives upside down we move in foolishness.In the last little while I've flipped in fear and foolishness.Allow me please, to tell you how I've flipped life right side up in fear...Many of my old readers know this, but for the sake of my new ones and the beauty of forthrightness I thought I'd finally blog about why I left my employment with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA.Leaving InterVarsity wasn't just leaving my favorite job ever, it was leaving family.  InterVarsity practically raised me.  I still love InterVarsity with all my heart.In the midst of leaving, I left my online identity, "Minister Mama" behind.  Remember her? <-------------------(Actually, the "Minister Mama" signature still lingers on many of my posts).Most importantly, I left something that had been one of the most cherished things in my life for 16 years.I left something that my identity had bee … [Read more...]

Fresh tat for a bit ‘o’ grief

It's been a rough, rocky, rambunctious ride of a year.  It doesn't really matter what I'm going through ---the flu, loss of a family member, financial woes or a stubbed toe--- I am almost always tempted to give up on life all together. … [Read more...]

I’m pregnant, hiccuping and sputtering through fear.

Hello Friends!  I'm not sure if I'm back to blogging yet, but I've got a little something to say today...To say that I've thought A LOT about writing lately is the biggest understatement since someone said Y2K was going to be no big deal at all.  Really, it was no deal, let alone a big one.In random order... … [Read more...]

A Date with the Devil? (Part 2)

In conclusion to part 1, the one about why I shouldn't date demons or want to run off and marry them in Vegas.I press on.A dear friend reminded me the other day how often faith looks like confusion and courage looks like fear. Who among us has ever faced a life-altering event with complete bravery?  She said that in me she sees faith and courage.  She says that when it comes down to it, I'll do that which requires faith and courage.  I wanted to call her a big, fat nasty liar but in the interest of at least trying to hear her out I responded... … [Read more...]

T.D. Jakes lisp. Moses slow. Me? Inarticulate mug.

So, last night I'm watching Never Easily Broken.  You know the movie based on T.D. Jakes' novel of the same name. During the Special Features, Jakes is talking about the making of the film.  And that's when it hit me.  T.D. Jakes has a huge & very noticeable lisp!Now, you may or may not be aware of the fact that T.D. Jakes is an extremely popular black pastor, preacher, Internationally known speaker & author who has a particular gift in ministering to women.  He's a freaking gazillionaire as well.  And the man has a lisp.  Also, a giant gap between his two front teeth.  Lest, you think I'm just being shallow let me get on with my point.Back in 1995 when I was still bound by a very real sense of satanic oppression -though I wasn't entirely sure who satan was or what on earth that meant for my life- I was living day-to-day in the throes of poor choices especially regarding my sexual choices with men.  My ex-boyfriends mother invited me to hear T.D. Jakes preach at Joe … [Read more...]