The Sexually Pregnant Mind

I see the curves of my breast and they please. I see the round of my rump and it entices. I see the button of my belly & giggle at its cuteness.I rub the bulging bump that sustains my daughter it is tight but lovely.My legs are thick pillars supporting the whole of us, two beating hearts.My areolas expand into flying saucers while my nipples take on an unyielding demeanor pushing past 3 sturdy layers to embarrass me fully. My breasts have plumped to the next cup overflowing with milk & honey.My face has smoothed itself into a summery glow while my feet have spread into an ogre-like aura.My hair curls tighter while my sense of smell betrays.I lose a few meals now and then but this does not betray my overall impressionI am a voluptuous, baby-making goddess.My mind is on sex to desire and be desired... Join me for the rest on the Mudroom blog? (Where we are exploring sex & sexuality for the month of March). … [Read more...]

In Which Rescue is on Deck

I turn 40 later this month, and as such have become hella reflective. This year has been one of the worst years of my life. So much so, I’m thinking of canceling my 40th birthday party. Please, please forgive my swears, but what is the gottdamb mutha-effin’ point of a celebration when you are wildly swiveling through the five stages of grief every other day or week? And please know, I do not say any of this lightly. I do not say that for the sake of page hits, Facebook hyperbole, ‘likes’ or pity.I say this because it’s completely, wildly, disappointingly, surprisingly, mortifyingly true. For those of you who’ve kept up with my blog & my writings know that the implosion of my 1st marriage, a complete breakdown, a fierce custody battle, an ugly divorce are all a part of my story, and that too was deeply painful. This year rivals the level of pain & hopelessness of those years. I cannot say why. I am still surprised at the turn of events. I only know life is as equally a nightm … [Read more...]

Things Are Changing

Things are changing. I'm so grateful, Good Lawd, God Almighty in heaven, I am so grateful. So. So. Grateful.I'm in reinvention: the absolute necessity to start again, the demand for change before rock-bottom meets certain death, the soul crying out for hope begging you to not to give up on your life type of reinvention. I'm in the latter half I believe. I'm through the hardest part. I'm peeking out now at the horizon seeing it's beauty, awestruck.The valley part, the low part, it's still dark there. I've had more than one ugly cry over the scariness of reinvention and the losses that crystallize. My job, for example, is the first career-oriented position in for-profit work I've had in 15 years. Career-wise, I had no choice but to reinvent.What is 2nd marriage if NOT the opportunity to reinvent the asshattery you brought to the 1st one? If I do nothing different in my 2nd marriage I have not evolved I've merely added a new spinning plate.  And my new husband is anything but … [Read more...]

The Nightmares

I have nightmares. I can gauge the rawness of the dream by how long it takes to feel like my normal self again. A garish nightmare will take days, maybe even a week to work through.  A bad nightmare may take  half a day at least.  A bad dream, maybe 2-4 hours.  Something someone else may articulate as merely a "weird" dream takes 15-20 minutes post waking time to come down from.Right after I got married the garish dreams came on strong.  They ebb and weave in out of my life with grueling consistency.  We celebrate 14 years this May. There are times we've had to pray every single night.  There are times we've involved others. I've brought the dreams, the content to my therapists, we've discussed them ad-nauseam.  Yet, here they are. Still.I've woke up screaming. I've woke up crying. I've woke up shaky.  I've woke up sweaty. I've woke up calling the name of Jesus over and over again. I've woke up clinging to Dave for dear life. I've woke up begging God to calm my brain the freak dow … [Read more...]

Are We The Same or Different?

I’m so excited to guest post on Grace’s blog – and I hope you’ll find it worth your time to read it! (To make it easier, I’ll try to keep things short.)It won’t take long for you to notice that my writing style is different from Grace’s. She writes as the free spirit she is, full of passion and spilling her heart without hesitation – or reservation. My writing leans towards structure, is at times careful, and may border on proper.In honor of Grace (since this is her blog, after all), I’ll try to keep things flowing, just like her. However, I’ll avoid trying to insert pop-culture references and use the latest jargon, because that would make me look like a poser. And no one wants that.Another difference between Grace and me is that she’s a she and I’m a he. I think the majority of Grace’s regular readers are of the feminine variety, but I don’t think my maleness will get in our way.Oh and there’s one more difference. I’m a bit embarrassed to mention it, but I have this probl … [Read more...]

Being A Writer-Author-Blogger Can Kiss My Bootay. Pt. 2

Yesterday, I shared how I need my blog to be different.  Per my promise, today is pt. 2 in which, I hope I can explain why being a writer can kiss my bootay.One of the biggest revelations I had on my bloggy hiatus was this:  I don't want to be a full time writer.  More, I'm not supposed to be a writer-author-blogger by trade.{record skips, everyone stops, stares, crickets chirp}.For awhile there, I thought maybe I was supposed to throw all my writerly eggs in that basket.  I wondered: is that road a "simple matter" of garnering a certain level of success in blogging, finishing a first book, publishing it,  starting a second book and skipping off into the sunset in a life of writing grandeur?Let me back that thing up un momento...the historyI was on staff with a Christian non-profit from 2000-2012.  I assumed I'd always be on InterVarsity staff.  Diverging off the path of that calling wasn't an idea allowed to even register given that IV was always going to be my drea … [Read more...]

Establishing in the Midst of Transition…Again

Or "in which I am a beloved failure," OR "this is my defining moment, Y'all," OR "I ate cliché's for breakfast because the BEST IS YET TO COME!"On Monday I transitioned from the foundation I was working for.  I'm not contractually able to say more than that, which in some ways, is a relief and when asked questions can feel good about thinking "mind yo beez wax, Playa!"  (Translation: mind your business, please).If you're newish to GwG, this is my 2nd job transition in 2 years.  I served for several years in campus ministry and walked away from my life in Ministry because I'd been overcome and was literally drowning in all sorts of issues: fundraising, working at home, working alongside my spouse, money issues, character issues, drive/energy PLUS the usuals of extended family crises & debt PLUS wrestling my own personal demons.  Quite honestly, I'm in the 3rd year of facing personal crisis' on a massive level and I'm getting familiar with what I'm made of, which is mo … [Read more...]

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My 2012 in Review

Earlier today, I begun planning out my 2013 plans, dreams & B.H.A.G.'s.  (Big, hairy, audacious goals).  I made a date with Ransom at Target to do so...I believe an annual review of the previous year with a solid plan for the next is vitally important behavior for those of us wanting to live graceful, purposeful, beautiful lives.  (Did I just shamelessly plug my blog tagline?  YUUUUP! =)Do you need resources to do this yourself?  No fear, my friends, I got you!This year, I'm using a similar model from Chris Guillebeau's Annual Review process.Last year, I printed out & used Simple Mom's "Year End Reflections" and "Goal Setting" documents which you can download for free.In years prior, I used InterVarsity's lengthy -and frankly overwhelming- Annual Review outlines.Now, on to my simple review of 2012.  I couldn't share all of it, of course, not only would you get that icky feeling all over but my husband wouldn't sleep at night for a week because he hates whe … [Read more...]

My Broken Hallelujah

There is beauty and brokenness in parenting.  The heartache of possibilities held in tension with the fullness of joy is enough to make your heart explode like day old lasagna left too long in a splattered microwave....or something like that.  It's messy.Brokenness.I want to be a more engaged mother, a kinder mother, a more loving mother. All noble, all good.  Here's the thing, in my head, it sounds like this: "what kind of mother do you think you are exactly?" and "you suck as a mother," and "your kids deserve a better mother." Ouch.Brokenness.My brain refuses to draw a happy middle line, something along the lines of "you did a great job NOT yelling at the kids when you wanted to erupt.  How 'bout tomorrow we shoot for an even better response?"  Why, for example, does it take an insane amount of energy to treat myself as cordially as I would any other mother struggling with the same issues?  Because I would, Moms of the world!  I have compassion overflowing like the ove … [Read more...]