I Have Cancer. Yes, I Have Breast Cancer.

I Have Cancer. Yes, I Have Breast Cancer. July 22, 2015

[Editor’s Note: This is the first is a series of posts we’ll be featuring by the Rev. Deborah Dean-Ware, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in May. She is blogging about her journey and has graciously agreed to share some posts with us at Patheos. This is the first post she wrote back in June.]  

b53214b8c958be3d0352c071abe1a9caIt has been less than three weeks since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and every once in a while I have to say those words out loud: “I have cancer. Breast cancer.” Sounds so weird and so surreal. But the pathology reports say it is so. It may feel like I am talking about someone else, but it is my name and birth date on the top of the charts that are passed from doctor to doctor and from breast clinic to breast clinic.

I have breast cancer. Actually, I have two breast cancers. One mass is grade 1 (slow-growing) and the other is grade 2 (not so slow-growing, but not super fast-growing either). I will have a bilateral mastectomy/reconstruction in the next few weeks. Other than this, I don’t know much more than that.

One of my surgeons said that I have “good cancer.” I never knew there was such a thing as good cancer, but I guess I will take that as good news. So maybe I should revise my mantra to:  “I have cancer. The good kind of cancer. I have good breast cancer.”

This is an awkward and hard time.  I am sick, but I don’t look sick yet.  I am really tired, and have been for weeks, but I am somewhat functional.  I am still working, but not really (not in some of the areas of ministry I most deeply love, like worship), and I feel frustrated and guilty about that. I have some information, but not all of it, and I am at the mercy of a very slow-moving health care system.

It is also tricky being a youngish pastor with breast cancer. My congregation is incredibly loving and supportive.  I feel them lifting me into the light of God. There is no other church I would rather be in right now.  This is a congregation that tries to live as fully as possible into the beloved community.

But this is breast cancer.  I have been a sexuality educator for 15 years and I know I shouldn’t worry about saying breast at church. That’s what I tell the adults I train. That’s what I hope these adults will tell countless children and youth. There is no body-shaming in God’s kingdom, but still there is deep-rooted, society-nurtured shame that can still creep up on me…damn you, misogyny! I have to work to not lower my voice when saying breast.

Also, and I can imagine that most female pastors might agree with me, it is sometimes awkward having breasts while being a pastor. Where do you clip on the microphone?  Where to place a name tag?  What is okay to wear in worship, and what might be too revealing? How can I be sure people are listening to what I say, not scrutinizing what I am wearing? Double damn you, misogyny!

But this church tries very hard not to reinforce these stereotypes.  This church is all about breaking down the barriers that divide people and deconstructing what is used to dehumanize God’s children.  My spiritual work for this time is to trust in my people and their understanding of community. My work is to let them care for me. That is hard. God is asking me to break down the walls I have built up inside as a result of patriarchy.

Actually, God is asking me to break myself open in every way. Being vulnerable and scared has never been easy for me. I don’t do pain well, and I have a plethora of ways to hold pain at bay. This comes in handy when I am presiding at a funeral or sitting with the aggrieved and the suffering. It is healthy professional distance–that’s what I tell myself. But God is asking me to close the distance. No, God has already closed the distance and I am just hanging on.

This blog is one of my attempts to be open and true and faithful. I won’t chronicle every gruesome detail, and I will save the most precious moments for myself, my family and my God, but writing is a spiritual practice for me.  Sometimes I might be quite irreverent and cranky, other times touched by the Spirit, and most times just plain old Deb, but all times attempting to be honest.  Thanks in advance for reading.

Deborah Dean-Ware is the Pastor of The Church of the Good Shepherd, United Church of Christ, in Ann Arbor, MI.  She blogs about her journey with cancer at pastoringintotheunknown.


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