Call 1-800-GOD-SAYS

[Robotic voice:] Information. City and state, please?

Heaven.

One moment please…

[click…buzzz…whirrr…snap..snap…human voice answers]

What was that again?

Heaven.

Uhhh…where is that?

You know…heaven…where God lives.

Uhhh…errr…I…I'm not sure we have that listing.

Sure you do. Just look under 'Heth' for 'Hashamayim'… it's in the Hebrew edition of the Yellow Pages.

OK…lessee…wait…hey, wadddya know? Please hold…

[clikk…brrrringgg….bringggggg…]

Hello?

Yes, may I speak to God?

I'm sorry, God is busy right now. May I take a message?

Sure. Just tell God that I'd like him to unleash some of that fire and brimstone.

Fire and brimstone? We haven't had a request for that since…well, since Sodom and Gomorrah. May I ask who is calling?

Yes…just tell God that the Mad Prophet is calling.

Mad Prophet? Let me see…mad, mad…mad dictator…mad scientist…I'm sorry, there's no mad prophet in our book.

It's a new listing. Anyway, I'd like God to pour out fire and brimstone on the GOP congresscritters who approved torture.

Approved
torture?!? I'm sorry, but our records show that issue was settled long
ago…as you perceive time, that is. Are you quite sure?

Yes, quite sure. Just google it for yourself.

I'll do just that…[noticeable pause]…well I'll be damned…you're right!

Toldja.

I'll
have to put this on the top of the Lord's agenda for his AM principals
meeting…wait…just a moment…He's here! May I put you on hold for a
second?

Sure.

[A few minutes pass…]
Sir? Well, it seems
God is already aware of the issue. Omniscience is like that…In any
case, rest assured that the appropriate quantity of fire and brimstone
has already been allocated and targeted.

Great. May I ask when I can expect the payload to be delivered?

I'm sorry, but that information is strictly confidential. God moves in mysterious ways and all that, you know.

I see. But what about this election? What if these cretins hang on to power?

That's a valid question. Let me ask the Big Man…
[Hold music…heavenly…]
I've been authorized to pass along the following from the Lord…

OK?

He says, "If I were going to do this all by Myself, what do I need you for?"

[click…buzzz…]