This recipe is so easy, anyone can follow it! No need to memorize nor even to write down the instructions! Certainly don’t attend a cooking school to learn how to prepare this—it will only confirm you in the error of your ways! And don’t bother worrying about quantities of ingredients—nay, even which ingredients to use! Such things as detail, careful measurement, and attention to processes, methods, and techniques are unimportant! So long as your final product is heartfelt, it will be as warming as chicken soup to the wondering soul.
- Start with an unusual theological idea, a revelation (i.e., an idea that was not arrived at on logical nor evidentiary grounds.):
- Then employ a blend of tactics so confusedly that they even mask the sleight of hand from the one attempting to utilize them.
- Make comparisons based only on the most general similarities.
- Take positive comparanda and generalize.
- Call generalized comparanda “evidence”.
- Assert conspiracy and corruption when puzzled interlocutors object.
- If possible, cite legitimately demonstrated cultural event as proof.
- When confronted with insurmountable evidence of difference, call this the result of corruption and conspiracy.
- Accuse naysayer of ignoring the evidence you have so clearly elucidated.
- Repeat steps as needed.
- Get so good at steps 1-4 that you now post and discuss this amazing evidence on a blog or, if you are well connected to one of the myriad niche publishers, in a non- or weakly peer-reviewed press.
Birds evolved from twentieth-century American automobiles, which tells us that winged creatures of the sky were formed right here in America, the Promised Land, God’s Own Country. You don’t believe me? Observe how like a Chevrolet a bird is! They both have very similar coloring in places, both are possessed of round black orbs, a bird has wings like a Chevy has doors, that can be extended or retracted depending on need, and both, most clearly and important, are capable of movement, sometimes at very high speeds. What does all this evidence mean? Of course that the maker of Chevrolet also made this poor little sparrow that had an unfortunate meeting with my kitchen window! What? You don’t believe me, you elitist sparrow-hater? Well, that’s because GM doesn’t want you to make the connection. Remember Enron? WorldCom? Lehman Brothers? AIG? Well, GM’s bailout is the result of the same process of lying and cover-up. What? So what if birds do their travel by air? This is one of the ways GM throws you off the trail! Still don’t believe me? You must hate America, modern prophets, and babies! Let me remind you, both birds and Chevys have colors! And they travel!…
See you all at my Costco book signing!