Indian Wedding

Allow me to speak Macaca for a moment.

Bollywood star (and former Miss World) Aishwarya Rai is engaged to Abhishek Bachchan. (That’s like the Indian celebrity equivalent of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.)

Aishwarya is said to be a manglik. This means she was born at a time when “Mars [was] in the 2nd, 4th, 7th, 8th, or 12th house of the Vedic astrology lunar chart.”

If two mangliks get married, it’s ok.

But if a manglik marries a non-manglik, all hell breaks loose.

Guess what Abhishek is…?

According to some *brilliant* astrologers, the marriage of a manglik girl and non-manglik boy could result in the death of the male. Because, you know, Mars is evil like that.

(Oh, it gets better.)

How do you fix this problem?

Aishwarya will have to marry a tree.

A peepal tree or a banana tree. Well, either that, or she’ll have to marry Lord Vishnu’s idol. But only if the idol is made of gold or silver. (Incidentally, Vishnu is said to have been born under a peepal tree. So this makes complete sense…)

Because doing one of these things will “take on the bad effects of Mars.”

Got all that?

This ceremony, called a Kumbh Vivah, is performed for manglik girls, but not manglik boys. Because as we all know, the position of the planets doesn’t affect the Y chromosome. Duh.

Apparently, Indian parents have one hell of a time trying to marry off their manglik-born daughters.

And for the record, Shaadi.com asked me if I was a manglik.

But I didn’t know how to answer that… because I have a &*%#ing brain.

(Do you want to be depressed? Read some of the comments on this thread.)

And you thought a Scientologist wedding was all f’ed up…

So, once again, there you go, mom and dad. This is why I probably won’t end up with an Indian girl.


[tags]Macaca, Indian, American, Desi, atheist, atheism, Bollywood, Miss World, Aishwarya Rai, Abhishek Bachchan, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, manglik, Mars, Vedic, astrology, lunar chart, marry, marriage, peepal tree, banana tree, Lord Vishnu, Kumbh Vivah, Shaadi.com, Scientologist[/tags]

  • http://tanushreep.blogspot.com Tanushree

    Hi, got here thru Masala Skeptic. You have a great blog here. Read my take on the same issue (Manglik, and I am one, by the way) at my blog: http://tanushreep.blogspot.com/2007/01/mangal-attacks.html

  • Jennifer

    Forgive me my cultural ignorance, but can’t people just lie about this, or does their birthday give it away somehow? I mean, people lie about everything under the sun before they get married, why not this too?

  • Siamang

    Wow!

    Any conifers in your family “tree”?

    I knew we shared common ancestry with plants, but I wasn’t aware that for some of is it was so recent!

    But isn’t this really part of the gay agenda? Once they legalize the same sex marriage, then it’s man-on-dog, man on tree, etc.

    http://xo.typepad.com/blog/tree.jpg

  • Avery

    It’s a classic control mechanism and revenue stream for those who perform the ceremonies with the poor tree. Marriage is itself the same thing. you can’t have sex with someone until your married, and you can’t get married anywhere except through the church(until recently when government got involved too), and there is a fee…

  • Hornk

    So what percentage of males in a proper manglik + manglik (or non + non) marriage live forever?

  • QrazyQat

    Aishwarya may not have to marry an actual tree, because any hetero male she marries should have little problem with having wood. Roger Ebert has referred to her as both the first and second most beautiful women in the world — he has a good argument there.

  • RR

    disgusting! :S

  • Andrew

    A lawyer has filled a lawsuit in the case.

    “The rituals performed by Aishwarya, Amitabh and Abhishek would only promote superstitions and blind faith among common people,” Shruti, who is also a women’s rights activist, told IANS.

  • http://www.teerathyatra.com J

    it someone told me (or somehow made me believe) that my love will die, whenever, however, i’d go marry a camel, if that’s what it takes to save him. its a belief. if its makes someone happy, and no one is really getting hurt in the process (maybe the tree who really didn’t wish to get married) then they should be left to themselves. why should it bother anyone?

    i know a guy who never wears blue jeans. he’s worn it 5 times in his life, and all (yes ALL) those 5 times he’s had major bone-breaking accidents. such is life. one can never be too careful. :0)

  • http://mirkwood.wordpress.com polaris

    Dang! I must be the last person to know about this. I should start reading the Tabloid Of India again. I can’t understand what is weirder: that Aishwarya must marry a tree, or that someone is going to sue her for marrying one.

    What would Treebeard say? “Humph…. We….have….not….lost….the….Entwives….after….all”.

    But seriously, if that is the custom, so be it. Why do they have to make it public that Aishwarya is a “manglik” and allow all the ridiculous journalistic furore over such a trivial thing? Can’t one marry a tree in private? ;-).

  • http://www.shaadi.com Indian Matrimonials

    From time immemorial, Hindus have worshipped trees and have considered all flora and fauna as sacred. Trees, plants, leaves, flowers and fruit have an esteemed position in the religion and culture of India. So much so that no religious function especially Indian matrimonial is considered complete without the presence of at least one of the above. Leaves like the betel, banana, mango, Neem, tulsi, durva are intrinsically woven into the tapestry of Indian weddings. The betel leaf enjoys the pride of place among all the accessories of a Hindu wedding. The betel leaf denotes freshness and prosperity. Betel leaves or the tambool, which comprises betel leaf, arecanut and lime, marks the beginnings of all auspicious events. In Indian matrimonial, alliances are sealed by exchanging the tambool. Invitations for an Indian marriage are distributed with tambool forming an important part of the invite. The betel is associated with the Trinity, Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. Brahma: arecanut, Vishnu: betel leaf, and Shiva: lime.

  • ramakant

    as long as one eats adequate amounts of chicken, one is assured of a happy married life; cant comment on the others though…but one is happy anyways…

  • Hrayan

    Your whole article/blog was good…my only complaint is you last statement “This is why I probably won’t end up with an Indian girl.”

    What makes you assume that all Indian girls are like this?. Hell, we know its a BIG country, and since when did celebrities (of ANY country) become a representative of their respective country’s ‘regular’ people?

    Generalisation is as bad as following blind superstition….

  • Shivani

    Loved your article and the comments were equally hilarious. Made me laugh till my sides hurt but you also bring up some really good points.

    I knew manglik marrying a non manglik was considered a total no no but never knew they could get around it by marrying a tree. Lucky tree who got to marry Aishwarya Rai. LOL and what’s up with the lawyer who is sueing her?!!

    My atheist Canadian born (hindu by birth) husband had a field day with this one!! Up until I told him that our stars did not exactly match and the priest told us not to marry me to him as his stars showed that he was a pervert (howling with laughter now) and how I had to convince my grandma to not tell my parents and let me marry him anyways… gotta love a bad boy :-)

    Those of you find this bizarre really need to read up more on India or better yet visit.

    FriendlyAtheist – you got any more articles?!

  • KC

    Have been an atheist since I was 12/13. I can understand your frustrations but get over the manglik stuff and get a life. You don’t have to get worked up about 99% of the world being stupid. Imagine if you get started on the rituals and ‘escape clauses’ for all the religious rules. ;-) Its actually very entertaining ;-) if you look at it from other perspectives. I would suggest you look at it from the ‘entertainment’ and ‘human folly’ perspective – I sometimes laugh till my stomach aches. :-)

    I live in Hyd, have my own IT firms and am getting married soon to a very devout Hindu (who knows I am an atheist BTW). I am just ignoring that she prays to ‘God’. ;-)

    kc

  • Eswar

    Funny article.

    Indians are funny. There is no proof or test for any of the things these astrologers say.

    We Indians are weak minded people. We fall pray to all these non-sensical BS all the times. Indians believe in mystical things very easily.

    If you dont believe in the things i am saying, just visit any Indian Matrimonial site and you will see that 95% of the people ask for horoscope verification.

    Even if the prospective bride/groom are excellent in all respects, if the horoscopes do not match, they will be rejected. Finally they end up marrying someone even if they are not compatible as their horoscopes are compatible.

  • Allytude

    K and I wantedto marry for love, both Indians, we knew the usual objections- caste, creed, region( I am northie, he from South India)and then astrology… so we created mental checklists for the whole thing.. even looking at our “horoscopes- a piece of real bull crap if it was) online- they matched perfectly. SO then we announced our tying the knot details. His family were the objectors_ yes it is more about control. Anyhows, then there wer eno auspicious dates.. and the hilariious thing was that the date his side agreed on was actually inauspicious- but their priest was vouching for its auspiciousness. My mother was like, lets just tell them we agree to the date, no need to cross check… And we got married. On a classically “bad” day in the middle of the monsoon season….What struck me as completely ridiculous i this entire crap was that no one knew whatever the heck it was they were supposed to be looking at- even blind astrology has protocol which also they did not follow. Its merely a point of creating a fuss over nothing- and again an element of control.

  • NC

    I wonder how much the writer knows about astrology or the science of stars or horoscopes or anything else? We call these things stupid without even seriously understanding them.
    How intelligent is it to call something stupid without researching/learning about it? Isn’t then our so-called-intelligence stupid? Science itself requires us to follow a process to come to a conclusion.
    What is the process you followed? Except just declaring yourself a know-all and then pointing fingers?

  • http://http//www.theaishwaryarai.com jeff (theaishwaryarai.com)

    I wanted to marry for love, both Indians, we knew the usual objections- caste, creed, region( I am northie, he from South India)and then astrology… so we created mental checklists for the whole thing.. even looking at our “horoscopes- a piece of real bull crap if it was) online- they matched perfectly. SO then we announced our tying the knot details.

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  • archana sharma

    Marriage is a social, religious, spiritual and/or legal union of individuals that creates interpersonal relationship. This union may also be called matrimony, while the ceremony that marks its beginning is usually called a wedding and the married status created is sometimes called wedlock.

    http://www.vashikaranlovemarriage.com


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