You Know You’re An Atheist When…

“God” is something you say on your back, not on your knees.

… your Sundays are longer than other people’s by a couple of hours.

…you realize that Micheal Keaton’s character in Beetleguse (sp?) wasn’t kidding when he said that “The Exorcist” gets funnier every time you see it.

… you’ve bookmarked a page of synonyms for the word “believe”.

Why does this remind me of people who go undecided for years into their adulthood wondering if they’re gay?

How could you not just know?

when you read the Bible to find jokes to tell your friends.

I know lots of Christians who joke about the bible and there is an entire range of great Jewish humor about the Torah. Particularly the Old Testament, it’s full of wonderful fun. Proverbs, for example:

4 “It is not for kings, O Lemuel—
not for kings to drink wine,
not for rulers to crave beer,

5 lest they drink and forget what the law decrees,
and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.

6 Give beer to those who are perishing,
wine to those who are in anguish;

7 let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more.

Bring that up to a bunch of tea totaling Baptists and see what happens.

When you have been charged with heresy and convicted as a heretic and an atheist.

I kid you not, I have ran into several right-wingers have tried and convicted me as such, without a jury of my peers. I wear the charges and convictions proudly as badges now, which are now many. I lost track of how many counts of heresy and atheism I have been charged and convicted of now. I’m waiting to be tried and convicted as a godless heathen now or do the priors count as such?

When you have been charged with heresy

I got charged with heresy last September by a prominent atheist blogger who started by misidentifying me as a Christian. I went around with olvlzl The Heretic as my handle for a few months afterwards. I felt so proud to be denounced as one.

olvlzl, no ism, no ist said,

June 5, 2007 at 12:16 pm

When you have been charged with heresy

I got charged with heresy last September by a prominent atheist blogger who started by misidentifying me as a Christian. I went around with olvlzl The Heretic as my handle for a few months afterwards. I felt so proud to be denounced as one.

Oh yeah! It does give you a good feeling, doesn’t it?

when you truly believe the Bible and other religious texts were written by man and errant.

when you see more mythology in the Bible and other religious text than history or reality.

when the supernatural deity created by man becomes a reincarnated Zeus.

when you know god is a human concept and theism is but one human concept of god.

when your response to a bishop saying:

Life has taught us that theism is dead. There is no supernatural God directing the affairs of history. Atheism, however, is not the only other viable conclusion.

is “Humanism is the conclusion”.

…when someone asks what your your hobby is you almost say, “Not collecting stamps.”

…when you know more about something that you don’t believe in than most people know who do believe in it.

…when to keep the peace in the family you actually change the subject of conversation to politics.

…when next to the wreath on your door there’s a note saying, “Co-opted pagan symbol displayed for traditional purposes only; no religious affiliation implied.”

…when after spending hours in the local greeting card shop trying to find some kind of holiday season card to send to your friends and relatives that will please them but not compromise your principles, you go home in humbug-muttering frustration and print up your own with the sentiment,

“Wishing that you don’t get stuck in the snow while fighting the tiger shark feeding frenzy at the mall trying to find gifts for everybody who’s out getting stuff for you that you won’t like, and trying to avoid going broke in the process, in observance of whatever the heck holiday you celebrate, if any.”

… you have to go out of your way to point out that you’re friendly because people automatically assume that you’re not.

You might be an atheist if you draw a blank when someone asks you “What religion are you?”

…you’re glad Kirk Cameron represents christians and not atheists.

Liberal Christian Person, you’ve come to the right place. I want to give your rational thinking all the encouragement it needs to strengthen, your hunger for reasonable conversation all the talk it needs for sustenance, your isolation all the company it needs to be comforted, and your sense of humor all the levity it needs to be satisfied.

…when you want to shove a fork in your ear everytime you hear the words “Jesus is coming soon!”

…when you actually begin to relish the parts of the Bible you so conveniently managed to miss back when you were a Christian.

…when you actually care more about talking to others about what they believe than you ever did as a Christian.

You just might be an atheist if…
…you’re always angry that people think you’re angry.
…you have elaborate opinions on the differences between yourself and “fundamentalist” atheists.
…you have elaborate opinions on the differences between yourself and “appeaser” atheists.
…you call yourself an agnostic because “atheists” are too dogmatic.
I don’t mean to offend anyone with these. They don’t necessarily represent what I think.

You might be an Atheist if you offer your visiting parents the use of your vehicle and they decline because there is a Darwin fish on the back.

…when you realize you could never quite make it on time to 11 o’clock church services a few years ago, but now you arrive at the humanist breakfasts on Sundays at 9:30 sharp.

…when you finally “come out” to your email list of old Christian college friends and find out half of them are atheists too, and the other half are Christians (including two recently ordained ministers) who stop replying because they can’t carry their side of a rational discussion.

…when you enjoy the irony of saying “Thank god I’m an atheist.”

…when you own more books by Dawkins, Harris, and Dennett than you ever owned by Christian apologists.

…when sex improves your quality of life but your past religious activity makes you ashamed.

…when the most inspiring thing on TV is Nova, the funniest thing on TV is the 700 club, the most infuriating thing on TV is the 700 Club, and the saddest thing on TV is the news.

…when you understand the difference between not believing that something is so and believing that something is not so, and that distinction is very important to you.

…when you do the right thing when you could have gotten away with cheating, someone asks you why and you have no answer because it never occurred to you.

…all you can think of during the sermon is which congregational MILF you’d like to tap. Or DILF, for the ladies ;->

(yes, it’s tasteless but I think it’s funny)

…someone says it’s the “devil’s work” and you can’t wait to get your hands on “it”.

…you wish communion was actually blotter paper so that your Sunday afternoon would transcend the boredom of your Sunday morning.

…you’re thoroughly offended by the “Battle Hymn of the Republic”.

(and last but not least…)

…you STILL get tears in your eyes when you think how much better the world might be if Dr. Carl Sagan was still in it.

Raaaaa – men. (imagine plagal cadence, please.)

You know you’re an athieist when:
The villagers are chasing you with pitchforks and torches, calling for your immediate demise while angrily calling you names such as “monster”, “vile creature”, “evil abomination”, “devil”, etc…

… when you are so pissed at yourself for misspelling the word “atheist” in your original reply that you feel uncontrollably compelled to re-do it…

…if reading the bible gives you the same type of amusement and entertainment as reading greek or roman mythology.

…if you revere charles darwin more than rev. billy graham as an important historical figure.

…if you know that evolution doesn’t really imply an idiotic oversimplified assumption made by people who don’t understand it such as: “we descended from monkeys”

…if galopagos finches seam more significant than biblical doves

…if you think of Christianity and Islam as equally evil religious forces

…if your search for a higher power involves switching energy companies

…if you spend your time thinking of responses to this thread rather than going to wednesday night church

…you can laugh at a 76-year-old man mistaking a bowl of holy water for a urinal in the middle of a service.

(Nobody I know personally, but it gave me a good chuckle when I saw it happen. And when the lady in front of me passed out!)

the sight of ramen noodles makes you laugh.

…you don’t like saying the pledge just because it has the word “god” in it.

…your new Bible is “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins.

…you browse forums for good debates between Christians and atheists.

…you read articles on evolution.