Friendly Atheist Contest #5: What Should Atheists Scream Out in Bed?

Last week, I asked this question:

What is Christopher Hitchens so mad about in the picture below?


Here are the Top 5 answers (with submitters)!


He heard the Atheist Alliance International convention dinner ran out of the kosher meal.



He’s wearing a thong and it’s chafing him.



Dewar’s, Come on! are you F#$%ing kidding me? Do you know who I am? I’m Christopher bloddy Hitchens, goddamn National Book Award Finalist, and you bring me a Dewar’s? Can you even spell SINGLE MALT?



(Hitchens’s drink is in the podium)

“Goddamnit, Teresa! We both know God is bullshit, but PLEASE stop having your face appear in my scotch. C’mon!”



He’s upset because Ayaan Hirsi Ali still gets more death threats than he does.


Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!


If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest.

It’s the question we have the hardest time with:

What should atheists scream out in bed?


Maybe you’ve said those already. Or maybe you couldn’t figure out what to say…

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

(Image via MyConfinedSpace)

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest, sex[/tags]

  • Justin

    What should atheists scream out in bed?

    Hiro (from Heros) said it best “Yatta!” (japanese for ‘I did it’)

    of course if she laughs… damn

  • Epistaxis

    “Oh my god!” Because atheists are the only ones who can say it without blaspheming against their own beliefs.

  • Carnife

    “Ozzy!” .. first, it is multi-syllabic (important, otherwise you might as well just say “oh!”), and starts with the right sound (combination of “oh” and “ah!”.. which is great). Second.. links to a band called Black Sabbath.. which neatly ties in religious connotations if needed. Third, phonetically similar to “Aussie”… and everyone likes to go “down under”!

    Plus, I like the idea of shouting out anything related to “Iron Man” while in the sack.

  • The Exterminator

    Oh, God (in whom I don’t believe)!

  • Richard Wade

    OOO-OOO-OOO! AAA-AAA-AAA! Starting in low pitched guttural and rising to a high screech reminiscent of Cheeta in the old Tarzan movies. Repeat as necessary. (Reverting to our true primate nature.)

    Hey, it made me very popular among the ladies, back in the Miocene.

  • olvlzl, no ism, no ist

    One atheist friend of mine told me that he had to yell at a German he picked up on a trip to Europe, “Stop trying to suck my nose”.

  • Tolga K.







  • Kate

    “Darwin!!” (because come on now, that’s the atheist god, true? because the Christians insist he is?)

    “…punctuated equilibrium!”

  • PrimateIR

    I don’t believe it! I don’t believe it!

    Happy animal noises work well also.

  • Polly

    Self actualized: “Oh ME! oh MY!”

    Humanist: “Oh man!”

    Pastafarians: “Touch me with your noodley appendage!” or “AAAAAAARRrrrrrrggghhh”

    Evolutionary: “I want to feel YOUR cambrian explosion!”

    Cosmological: “Here comes the Big BANG!”

    Holidays: “Oh Donner, Oh blitzen, Oh commet…”

  • Candace

    “Oh Frith!”

    (the rabbits’ god in Watership Down)

    Hey, Friendly Atheist, you’ve been tagged with a really cool meme – promise! See mah blog.

  • NYCatheist

    Oh, Big Bang!

  • Mriana

    Your lover’s name. Of course if it’s Rod[ney] or Maude, it rhymes with God. So don’t slip up and say the wrong name. :lol:

  • Patrick

    Thank you genes!!

  • Polly

    Really obscure but here goes:

    “Oh MeiOsis!”

    Because that type of cell-division produces sex-cells. I know, pretty lame.

  • Paul

    hmmm… I’ve actually thought about this one before…

    How about:

    “Oh!…Oh!… Richard DAWKINS!”

  • Craig Fisher

    Jesus isn’t coming, but I am!

  • John B. Freedom

    How about, “Jumanji!”

    It worked once with my wife. She still brags to people that she’s so good, she made me yell “Jumanji”. I know it has not clever tie-in like the rest of these posts, but it can work as a substitute for just about anything.

    Of course, it also may confuse your partner…

    FYI: Only use “Jumanji!” if your partner’s willing and open-minded.

  • Kelly

    You and your naughty selfish genes (jeans), and damn what’s in them.

    Wow, did evolution endow you.

    Darwin would be poud.

    You’ve been naturally selected to win a free iPod Nano.–oops, that’s spam

    Nice tools. I do enjoy a good romp with a quantum mechanic.

    Oh, reason! Oh, empirical evidence!

    5 minutes?! Talk about a quantum leap!

    Viva Viagra!!

  • Siamang

    Oh SIAMANG!!!!!

    (Preferably female atheists should scream that one out.)

  • Julie

    I won!!! I won!!!!

    Oh, sorry, that’s just what I’m screaming now that I won the last bracelet!!!

    OK, for real?

    “This totally isn’t a sin! Whoopeee!”


  • Joe M

    01001111! 01001111! 01001111!!!!!!!

    Look it up, nerds =P

  • Joe M

    O! (is used to describe an asymptotic upper bound for the magnitude of a function in terms of another, usually simpler, function.)

    O! (is used to describe an asymptotic upper bound for the magnitude of a function in terms of another, usually simpler, function.)

    O! (is used to describe an asymptotic upper bound for the magnitude of a function in terms of another, usually simpler, function.)

    OH YES!!!!!

  • Polly

    Joe M,

    4F! 4F! 4F!

    In that vein: 0100 0101

  • Aj

    Oooooo Zerox Machine

    Giggity giggity giggity

    Jungle love! Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh

  • MorseCode

    “It’s…full of stars!”

    It worked for Arthur C. Clarke.

  • MorseCode

    When someone sneezes, as an atheist, you don’t want to say “god bless you”. So I think it applies here as well.


  • Kate

    Since no one’s said it yet…

    …and I’m dying to win a bracelet…


  • MorseCode


    For all you Firefly fans out there.

  • stacy

    Prove it to me baby!

  • Roya

    I love you!

  • Tom Freeman


  • Anatoly

    You’ve been insisting on this exact same position for the last two months – evolve damn it, you’re not a coelacanth!

  • Bill Montana

    We still cry out “oh, god”. Only in lower case letters.

  • MorseCode

    In honor of the late, great Carl Sagan.


  • Katie Molnar

    “Gesundheit!” (German for “health”) got me thinking… many of our most prominent naturalists, mathematicians, and physicists have been German, so we should pay homage to that lovely language with Germany’s second-most prized act (next to drinking)!

    how about


    This is the name of a deli-style breakfast cheese with mountain herbs from the state of Oberammergau.

    Or, more reasonably:

    “Ach!” (something like “Yikes!”)

    “Achtung!” (“Caution!”)

    “Ja!” (“yes”, of course)

  • Greta Christina

    “Replicate! Replicate! Replicate!”

    Okay, so my DNA is a little dim, and it thinks it’s going to replicate by spanking other women. But its heart is in the right place.

  • Ada


  • Vincent

    “suck it Jesus, this is my god now!”

  • Kela


  • Joe M

    “In honor of the late, great Carl Sagan.


    This made me laugh!

  • J. J. Ramsey


    For all you Firefly fans out there.

    Hmm, from the FireflyWiki:

    gorram: expletive, AKA “god damn”, used to express extreme displeasure, anger, or surprise..

  • Slut

    I favor: “Don’t Stop!” a la Body Heat.

  • Steven Carr

    I always call out my own name.

    It makes you look egocentric, but it is better than getting the girl’s name wrong.

  • MorseCode

    Hmm, from the FireflyWiki:

    gorram: expletive, AKA “god damn”, used to express extreme displeasure, anger, or surprise..

    I know. But Mal’s an atheist, so I counted it.

  • Poppy


  • Sue

    I’m a humanist, so naturally I shout “oh homo sapiens!”. My husband is an uninterested agnostic, so he just grunts :-D

  • Greta Christina

    Now with an actual somewhat-sincere answer: I was watching a porno last night, and one of the women was screaming, “Holy fuck!”

    I like that. I think it pretty much says it all.

  • Vincent

    Fuck Yeah!

  • Earl

    “Oh my delusional meme!
    Oh my delusional meme!
    Oh my delusional meme!
    YESSSSSS!!!!! (tentatively, of course pending further investigation darling)…”

  • Mark

    1) MONKEY LOVE!!!!!
    2) EQINOX!!!

  • VeggieTart

    What’s wrong with just, “Yes! Yes! YES! Oooh,” and all the other inarticulate noises that happen when one is in the throes of pleasure?

    I know, not terribly original.

  • Name?

    ZOOOOOL!!! Y’know, from Ghostbusters. “Staypuft Marshmallow Man” is too long. I thought it would work the same way as Frith (awesome book, BTW) and Zeus.
    Also it looks great on paper.


  • Nick


  • Sarah,Leah,Erin

    oh my god!
    im CUMMING over to the dark side(christianity)

  • Beth

    I had a lover who said “Yes?” every time I moaned “oh god”.
    I never quite knew how to respond to that.

  • Greg