Comments on: Atheist Funerals

By: Andrew Kersey

Andrew Kersey — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 00:45:34 +0000

I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s posts — so many thoughtful ways of looking at the issue. Especially the last couple.

I’m a journalist doing a story on atheist funerals. I’d be interested in talking with anyone who plans on having or has organized for someone else one of these services. Any help is much appreciated.

I write for a Columbia University wire service which is distributed by the New York Times.

I can be emailed at ak2751@columbia.edu

By: Caitlin

Caitlin — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 17:02:43 +0000

My dad died a few weeks ago of cancer, so he knew that he was going to go sooner rather than later. He identified as an agnostic and didn’t like a lot of things about the Catholic church in general (his and mom’s sides of the family are both Catholic), but he was still a spiritual guy. He had three three things to say about his funeral: that it not be religious, that he be cremated, and that his best friend give the eulogy. So when he died, my mom, myself, and the extended family cremated the body before the funeral, which we had at the funeral home who handled the cremation arrangements, and then we passed the word on. The funeral itself was just the eulogy and some stories from his siblings, with a picture of him, my brother, and I, and the American flag (he was an Army veteran) in lieu of a casket. Afterwards, we went to a swanky country club for the reception, catered with all the works, because it’d be more my dad’s style to have a party. Everyone told stories about dad and caught up with each other. It was a lot of fun, a good way to celebrate his life, and it didn’t offend anyone. The only surprise from any super-Catholic members of the family was the lack of hotdish.

So, my advice in short: don’t make a big deal about the atheism, and it won’t challenge anyone’s beliefs.

By: Randall

Randall — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 02:23:30 +0000

My thinking is that, while the funeral is for the mourners, it's about the deceased. What does it say about their relationship with you if they ignore what you believed?

By: Rob Linford

Rob Linford — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 00:35:16 +0000

My wife understands that as an athiest I really dont care what she does once I’m dead since I will have no idea what she is up to. I have suggested that she send me to a taxidermist and mount me over the fire place but she thinks thats gross. In seriousness she is a low key Christian and would find comfort in her pastor saying a few comforting things at a service. Personally I think when your dead your dead, she thinks the spirit lives on. It makes me sad to think of intentionally putting her in a situation where she has to bury me in a way that forces her to confront the fact that I am really and completely gone. I find the idea of a spirint living on to be totally crazy, she finds it comforting. I love her and would rather she be comforted by something nutty than driven into depression by somethign she cant cope with. Not everyone is mentally equipped to deal with the idea of death being the end of everything – it is something athiests need to be sensitive to in my humble opinion and be a little flexible with the people they love.

By: Linda

Linda — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 22:39:02 +0000

Quaker ritual, “celebration of one’s life”

That sounds lovely. I would add music in the beginning and end, though. Something cheerful. Maybe Vivaldi…

My husband and I joined the Neptune Society.

I checked out their website, but their service is only available in a few states. I like the concept though.

A friend of mine once went to a funeral where the guy who was dying of cancer made a video tape to be the “MC” of his own funeral service. She said it was the most moving service she’d been to. I think it would be nice to have that opportunity. Then I can really be brutally honest with what I think and feel about everyone and everything. (good and bad) Hmmm…

Is it morbid to fantasize about one’s own funeral? I have to admit that I secretly enjoy it…

By: Joel Sax

Joel Sax — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 22:17:39 +0000

How about using the Quaker ritual, “celebration of one’s life”? You simply invite people to a gathering where they can spontaneously express their feelings and memories of you. The event is arranged a few weeks after your death for word to get around, a suitable place found, etc. Whatever grief people feel can be got off their chests.

You open with silence or an explanation of what is happening. Then close with silence (think of it as a means of settling the crowd). Whoever is running it signals the end by shaking hands.

By: ash

ash — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 21:45:43 +0000

My new thought: The person who is dead does not really care what takes place in their name. It does not affect them one bit. The funeral is, in essence, for the surviving loved ones. So I should hope the main objective would be what would best console them.For instance, if I were an atheist (which I’m not) and my husband were a devout Catholic (which he’s not), I would have no problem with a traditional Catholic funeral service to make him feel better about my passing.

i see your point, but i would contend that i hope i’d've worked out my husband’s complete lack of respect for my opinions a while before i died…i’d also hope he might invite my friends/other family members, who he would then upset by making them realise that he either never knew me that well, or that he’s a selfish git who had no real love for me.. given most social groups (including relatives + friends) include people of varying faiths, degrees between amount of faith of believers, and non-believers, it just makes more sense to go with the ideals of the one being mourned, and left to individuals to make good their own private religious/non convictions.

By: Betsy

Betsy — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 21:32:26 +0000

My husband and I joined the Neptune Society. This company takes your body away, cremates it provides the death certificate and brings the ashes back to the relatives. Then it is up to them whether to have a memorial gathering or not. I think this is a neat and tidy way of doing things and avoids funerals which I hate with a passion!

By: Linda

Linda — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 21:12:14 +0000

a funeral is about remembering and honouring a person as they were, not a chance to impose your particular beliefs/lack of on a grieving assembly.

I used to believe that. But now I’m not sure.

My new thought: The person who is dead does not really care what takes place in their name. It does not affect them one bit. The funeral is, in essence, for the surviving loved ones. So I should hope the main objective would be what would best console them. For instance, if I were an atheist (which I’m not) and my husband were a devout Catholic (which he’s not), I would have no problem with a traditional Catholic funeral service to make him feel better about my passing.

Because I would already be in a tropical paradise sipping margaritas with 50 virgin Chip-N-Dales… or in an eternal abyss/nothingness… whatever…

By: ash

ash — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 20:52:37 +0000

my soul desire for my decendents

lol

If funerals are for the mourners, is it somehow mean to challenge their beliefs at this time? At that time I really won’t be in a position to care what’s going on.

not at all; i wouldn’t disrespect my religious relatives by insisting their funerals were divulgent of all god references (although i wouldn’t feel the need to join in rituals that are meaningless to me – prayers, hymns etc.), and i would expect the same courtesy back…a funeral is about remembering and honouring a person as they were, not a chance to impose your particular beliefs/lack of on a grieving assembly.