Friendly Atheist Contest #11: Atheist Headlines

Last week, I ran this contest:

What other shocking statements will the Pope make in his next encyclical?

Here are the Top 5 statements (with submitters)!

5|

Galileo is back in hell. We retract previous papal decrees to the contrary.

(Brett)

4|

“We need to broaden our outreach to fertilized eggs. At least 50% of naturally conceived fertilized eggs don’t implant – that’s half of humanity! Although a corner of heaven is reserved for them, dying before baptism means they are denied the beatific vision – all because their mother’s womb refused to grant them shelter.

“To the end of saving these souls, we shall institute a weekly baptismal ceremony for the unborn, and require regular attendance of all married or fornicating premenopausal women the Sunday before their monthly flow starts.”

(Mercredi)

3|

When we said “Limbo doesn’t exist”, we meant the dance.

(Robin)

2|

“The earth is flat, evolution is false, and Christians predated everyone else. Sherri Shepherd is my close disciple.”

(Cade)

1|

“Yes, I’m a Catholic, and bears, well, yeah, they do.”

(Chancelikely)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

FriendlyAtheistBand

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

What newspaper headline would atheists most like to read?

(The idea comes from this post, from a blog for Indian-Americans. Check it out for sample headlines.)

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!


[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

  • Philosopher Jeff

    Pope confesses he is a closet gay atheist.

  • Mriana

    Theism has died!

  • Peter

    George Bush transfigurates; changes name to ‘President Christ’

  • Tolga K.

    The Rapture is here, all Christian influence finally out of our government.
    The remaining 5 people prepare to take over.

  • Becky

    Shroud of Turin Found to be a Missing Link in Evolution!

    =D

  • Max

    Recent Gallup Poll says 98% of Americans would vote for an Atheist for President

  • Ben

    World Peace Achieved!
    (it didn’t say it had to be topical…)

    Natalie Portman holding out for the atheist Mr. Right

    Al Gore Wins 2000 Presidential Election!
    (it was all a bad dream…)

  • http://www.acosmopolitan.blogspot.com Anatoly

    “God Says: ‘It’s Only a Flesh Wound!’”

  • Richard Wade

    Mummified Body of Jesus Found in Catacombs Under Vatican!

    (This story may already have been covered by the National Enquirer)

  • http://darwinsdagger.blogspot.com Darwin’s Dagger

    President Mehta Signs World Peace Accord
    After 10,000 Years of Bloody Theism, Humankind Finally United in Peaceful Reason

    Eh, its a long shot.

  • Bartlett

    Russell’s Teapot spotted: Was on Russell’s Table the whole time.

    A Theist lynched by confused Christian mob in horror typographical error

  • http://religiouscomics.net Jeff

    The Rapture is here. All dogs go to heaven. Christians confused.

  • BZ

    Mitt Romney trampled to death by invisible pink unicorns.

  • http://skepticsplay.blogspot.com/ miller

    Scientists find God: It turns out He’s actually just Cosmic Background Radiation

  • http://undiscoveredfuture.blogspot.com Rebecca

    One nation, indivisible

  • Ben

    Pastafarianism To Be Given Equal Time in Religious Education, says Church Board

    Invisible Pink Unicorn Seen Leaving Spaghetti Monster’s Motel Room
    Allegations of Spiked Tea Affecting Judgment

  • JeffN

    I see pink Unicorns.
    They tell me to burn things. Or was that the Leprechauns?. ;)

    MISSING LINK PROVES ORIGIN OF BIG BANG.

  • Viggo the Carpathian

    God is Dead… No, this Time We Mean It!

  • kristie

    World’s televangelists decided to actually use monies donated to fund charitable causes and not for personal pleasures.

  • http://purduenontheists.com Jennifurret

    “Study shows atheists have significantly bigger penises than believers”

  • http://limadean.wordpress.com limadean

    Huckabee chokes on pretzel in Iowa; Romney vomits on leader of N.H. delegation

  • ellen

    First Atheist President Inaugurated
    No “God” in Oath

  • http://heathendad.blogspot.com/ HappyNat

    Members of Congress Fired for Passing Asinine Christian Resolution: Founding fathers stop spinning in graves.

    or

    All Churches Lose Tax Exempt Status

  • Chancelikely

    Archaeological Evidence Shows Book Of Genesis Originally Recipe For Barbecued Pork Ribs

  • Cecilie

    Cure For Religion Found
    Swedish scientists acclaimed for 2003 discovery of linking neurotransmitter receptor density to religiosity now report drastic breakthrough in gene therapy technology making possible a cure for religion. Pope Benedict XVI outraged, donates large sum towards research on cure for atheism. “There is no cure for good sense,” state Swedes unruffled, adding: “Except perhaps religion.”

  • http://blog.scriptedfailures.com Jim

    “Final Votes Counted; Dawkins Wins Florida”

  • Kieran Farrell

    Archaeologist discover missing Bible page!

    Early loose translation shocks Christians worldwide.

    “This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.”

  • http://1word.wordpress.com/ mark

    God Disputes God

    In a stunning turn of events, God, on a recent visit, shocked onlookers by stating emphatically that he is a figment of his own imagination. He promptly dissolved. Surprisingly, the universe continued to exist. Atheists were the only ones left standing, although several swooned.

  • Viggo the Carpathian

    No headline involving anyone killing or injuring anyone else because of their ideas about god or God or …

  • Luther Weeks

    Hitler excommunicated! Pope sites recent discovery of grilled cheese sandwich showing a young Adolph reading Mark Twain.

  • P.S.

    Critical Thinking Courses Now Mandatory Part of School Curriculum – Skeptics, Philosophy Majors Rejoice

    Government Gives All Atheists Tax Exempt Status, Pony

    David Hasselhoff Performs on Kaaba, Lives – Muslim Leaders Call Show “Uplifting,” Don’t Demand His Head

  • http://religiouscomics.net Jeff

    Huckabee says he believes the book of Mormon.
    Romney says he has always been Jewish.
    Giuliani says he is converting to Islam.
    Clinton says she believes in both Greek and Roman gods.
    Obama says we need to start a new religion.
    Edwards says he doesn’t look like a televangelist.

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