Landover Baptist Church *Exposed*

If you’re like me, whenever you read Landover Baptist Church, you wonder if it’s true or not…

I’m just kidding.

It’s made up. You know how I know it’s made up? Because they $%&#ing say so.

But Cross Nation wants to make sure you know there’s a difference:

This section is dedicated to detailing the many misrepresentations of Fundamentalist Christianity found at the satirical website known as Landoverbaptist.com or Landoverbaptist.org. The “Terms of Use” link at the bottom of the homepage of Landoverbaptist.com/.org does have a disclaimer acknowledging that Landover Baptist is fictitious, yet no effort has as yet been made by either critics or the website itself to show the disparities between fact and fiction.

So they created a chart… because you’re too much of an idiot to tell when Landover is making stuff up.

Here’s just one example (reprinted, as is, from cross-nation’s site):

What Landoverbaptist.com claims Fundamentalists believe.What Fundamentalists Believe in their own words.
Afterlife

You are probably asking yourself, “Why will Jesus be removing our reproductive organs and teats before we get to Heaven?” Well, my dear lady, the answer is quite simple. In Heaven, there’ll simply be no need for genitals. My guess is that the Lord is pretty disgusted after having to watch His creatures hump away on each other for the last 4,000 years. I know I’d be! Think of it this way, Jesus and His Daddy have been sitting up there in Heaven watching the longest pornographic film ever made, and frankly, they are no longer amused.
(http://www.landoverbaptist.org/
news0704/grandpa.html
, accessed 06/20/07)

Afterlife

“Will our resurrection bodies have sex organs? Since men will be men, and women will be women, and since there will be direct continuity between the old bodies and the new, there’s every reason to believe they will.”
(Alcorn, Randy Heaven Wheaton, Illonois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2004 p.339.)

It’s more comical to read the lines Cross Nation doesn’t want you to misunderstand.

Like this one from Landover Baptist regarding race:

“We’ve got races of funny looking people on this planet because demons were running around, humping’ humans back in Genesis!”

Or this one about vegetarians:

They are weak heathens, worshipping other gods.

Cross Nation provides Fundamentalists’ real beliefs on those topics. Believe it or not, Fundamentalists actually think people of all races are equal and vegetarians are just fine, too.

Shocking.

(via The Great Realization)


[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

  • Mriana

    Cross Nation provides Fundamentalists’ real beliefs on those topics. Believe it or not, Fundamentalists actually think people of all races are equal and vegetarians are just fine, too.

    Right! And I’m a monkey’s aunt! Oh wait I am. :lol: Seriously though, I bet if I told them I am a vegetarian and my son are 1/2 Black, they be troubled by it. I haven’t seen a serious fundie not troubled by it and as far as vegetarianism goes I’ve been told, “But Jesus declared all things clean.” Um… I think that was Paul and I could care less who it was, because I refuse to eat meat anyway.

    However, they won’t say it anything like Landover Baptist Church- nope if they did that it would be too obvious that they have a problem. Nah, I’m not too keen on Fundies- even if some are my relatives.

  • http://atheists.meetup.com/531 Ben

    Poe’s Law

    “Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.”

  • Jen

    I LOVE when super-serious Christians discover pop culture. Soon to be released from Cross Nation: “LOLcats- innocent fun or Zionist propaganda?”

  • http://www.skepchick.org writerdd

    Believe it or not, Fundamentalists actually think people of all races are equal

    Believe it or not, not all fundamentalists actually think that people of all races are equal. In the ex-fundamentalist group I participate in, this has been a topic of recent discussion and several people have pointed out specific Bible stories used to promote racism such as:

    Some people believed the “curse of Cain” (Adam and Eve’s son) was having black skin, and that it was the fall of Adam and Eve that was the cause of some people not being white. Others believed it was the “curse of Ham” (Noah’s son) that was having black skin. I remember hearing the story of Noah when I was a child in the 1970s and learning that Noah’s sons were the beginnings of the “races” — one being white, one being Asian, and one being black, and the white son, of course, being the one that was considered the most holy. The fall of tower of Babylon, was also supposed to prove that God disapproved of people learning each other’s languages and intermarrying outside of their race. Apparently this kind of stuff is still being taught, at least in some churches.

    So just because some fundamentalists say they aren’t racist, doesn’t mean that no fundamentalists are racist. In fact, the fundamentalist mindset has a lot in common with the racist mindset, both being built upon a foundation of a superiority complex and an enforced separation of “us” versus “them”.

  • http://lifebeforedeath.blogsome.com Felicia Gilljam

    Re writerdd, That curse of Cain stuff’s really weird. The bible seems quite clear on that the curse consists of the ground not bearing crop if Cain should attempt to work it, so instead he has to be a restless wanderer. And the mark of Cain was supposed to protect him from harm, so if black skin is the mark, that means one should not harm black people lest one provokes the vengeance of God!

    OTOH it’s quite clear that the bible says whatever you want it to say, so I guess I shouldn’t complain.

  • Viggo the Carpathian

    OK, I have to wade into this one…

    Whether or not Landover is fiction or real is moot. Religion is mostly a parody of itself anyway. It seems to me that the issue here is one of trying to separate Christianity form what Christians do. This is not possible from an outside viewpoint. This however is what Christians do within their own ranks. Within Christianity itself there is constant and irreconcilable division. Every sect and denomination is convinced of their own correctness and tries to define what truly is Christianity and the “Christian way of life”. Each sect (and I am speaking from my experience as a former Christian) tries to separate itself as the true adherents to the ‘truth’. What other Christians do is not what Christianity ‘is’. I know that this is a mind torturing bit of gymnastics but there you are. No one organization, Cross Nation or or the Vatican, can speak with authority for all of Christendom– not since the reformation, and probably not before– thus the inquisition.

    On another subject and I know that this should probably start a new thread but the subject brought it to mind… (I don’t mean any offence, so please don’t take any) This and several other atheist forums that I read spend a great deal of time focusing on Christianity and nit picking it. I think that we are all aware of the failings of religion and though it is an interesting subject, after a while it is like flogging the proverbial dead horse. Sometimes it seems as though many atheists have trouble defining themselves except in contrast to religion. Almost as if God has been replaced by a null-God that still requires God for definition. Now, I am agnostic I guess(still looking for a grand unifying theory I suppose, open to any explanations) but lean strongly toward atheism and what I want to know is how atheists, without religion as a measure or comparison, deal with the great questions that have plagued mankind since the beginning– origins, loss and death etc.

  • http://fivepublicopinions.wordpress.com AV

    Sometimes it seems as though many atheists have trouble defining themselves except in contrast to religion.

    How ought we to define ourselves? Atheism is, as Matt Dilahunty of The Atheist Community of Austin is fond of saying, a single position on a single question (“Do you believe in a god/gods?”). How individual atheists deal with the “great questions” you mention is up to them, and has nothing to do with their atheism. I would also ask why you seem to think that those questions are the privileged province of religion, when science and philosophy have long grappled with them, too?

  • Mriana

    Some people believed the “curse of Cain” (Adam and Eve’s son) was having black skin,

    My grandfather believed this one. :roll:

    So just because some fundamentalists say they aren’t racist, doesn’t mean that no fundamentalists are racist. In fact, the fundamentalist mindset has a lot in common with the racist mindset, both being built upon a foundation of a superiority complex and an enforced separation of “us” versus “them”.

    I thought they were a cult or at least cult-like.

  • http://www.skepchick.org writerdd

    I thought they were a cult or at least cult-like.

    That’s the thing, isn’t it? Everyone thinks the other guy’s flavor of religion is the cult.

  • Mriana

    That’s not what I meant, writerdd, Evangelical Fundamentalist have symptoms of being a cult.

  • Viggo the Carpathian

    “a single position on a single question (”Do you believe in a god/gods?”)” That is exactly my point. That is what atheism means to me and I am not trying to judge in any way how atheists should define themselves, I am only pointing out that it appears to me, whether or not I am correct, that many atheists are defining themselves in negative with religious terms– letting religion set the stage and define the game.

    “I would also ask why you seem to think that those questions are the privileged province of religion, when science and philosophy have long grappled with them, too?”

    I don’t. I had no intention of indicating such a sentiment. What I was trying to ask for was clarification of purely atheistic views — personal, human, philosophical views not couched in religious or anti-religious terms.
    Does that make sense? I am interested in what makes people tick, how they see things; its how I learn and challenge my own beliefs and perceptions.

  • http://hoverFrog.wordpress.com hoverFrog

    I think I’d rather be called a weak heathen than be condescended to like this:

    Vegetarians have to be more aware of getting certain vitamins and nutrients than meat-eaters, but they also avoid many health problems that come with eating meat. However, for both meat-eaters and vegetarians, the main issue is what foods are being eaten. A diet of sweets isn’t good for anyone, and being a vegetarian doesn’t mean that you will be careful not to consume too much junk food. If you are concerned about your child’s diet, consult your pediatrician. You can even ask your family doctor or pediatrician to refer you to a nutritionist. These professionals can answer your questions about the pros and cons of vegetarianism much more thoroughly.

    Surely all people should be aware of getting a sufficiently balanced diet to ensure that the necessary vitamins and nutrients are digested….plus all that other stuff like fibre, fats and protein.

    As for the race issue the Fundies should be aware that pale skinned, blond haired, blue eyed people like me are the ones who lack the pigments that colour our skin, hair and eyes. Not to turn the race card over but just to shut them up for a minute.

  • Mriana

    Vegetarians have to be more aware of getting certain vitamins and nutrients than meat-eaters, but they also avoid many health problems that come with eating meat.

    This is not true and my sons and I have never had a problem, not even their dr who is also a vegetarian. She never even counselled me on it concerning my sons. Now they are 16 and 18 and very healthy I might add. So it’s really not a big deal. We don’t need as much protein as people think nor are we missing any nutrients. Now Vegans, that could be a health hazard because they restrict their food to much.

    Anyway to say that vegetarians are lacking is just not true.

  • http://www.skepchick.org writerdd

    Thatâ??s not what I meant, writerdd, Evangelical Fundamentalist have symptoms of being a cult.

    I know what you meant, Mriana. But you only think that because you’re not one of them. When I was one, I thought that Catholicism and Mormonism were cults, but not MY church!

  • Mriana

    No, it’s not I think, I KNOW, writerdd. I’ve been there many times over my life because my relatives are Evangelical Fundamentist. I saw the cult-likeness again when I went to my grandmother’s funeral. So, I do KNOW.

  • Karen

    What I was trying to ask for was clarification of purely atheistic views — personal, human, philosophical views not couched in religious or anti-religious terms.
    Does that make sense? I am interested in what makes people tick, how they see things; its how I learn and challenge my own beliefs and perceptions.

    Viggo, you might be interested in joining the atheist2008 Yahoo group, which is led by Eric Maisel who is writing a book about atheism. Many of these “big picture” questions are being discussed there. Here’s the link.

  • Viggo the Carpathian

    Thanks Karen, I’ll check it out.

  • http://thisislikesogay.blogspot.com Duncan

    Those crazy fundamentalists, believing that all races are equal! Don’t they know it has been scientifically proven that the races are unequal? To say nothing of women, who have been proven to be incapable of finding anything in their purses due to their inborn deficiencies in spatial skills, let along math!

    Now, the previous paragraph is partly satirical in intent, but it does happen to be true that many scientists believe that non-white “races” are inferior to the “white race,” and that women are inferior in various intellectual abilities to males. I don’t know how many scientists believe these things, but I know that many do, thanks to the recent furor over James Watson’s racist remarks. I know too that many scientists disagree vociferously with such claims, and as a PC queer feminist anti-racist atheist I disagree too — but that is only because I’m a PC queer feminist anti-racist atheist; I have no scientific training or credentials beyond high school chemistry. I also know, from Stephen Jay Gould’s writings, that fundamentalists loudly opposed the forced sterilization of the “unfit” in early to mid twentieth century America, under laws which had scientific warrant and support. (The US was ahead of the Nazis in that area.)

    “Science” can’t settle these questions now, because “science” has not come up with indisputable answers. It is possible that “science” never will, but any answers it may offer won’t settle the controversy in any case. “Science” is no more competent to rule in social policy or ethics than “religion” is. “Science” is a lot like “religion” in this respect: it does not speak with one voice, and the disagreeing voices cancel each other out. “Science” has no authority; neither does “religion.”

  • http://paxnortona.notfrisco2.com Joel Sax

    Cross Nation? They sound like they’re all angry.

  • http://fivepublicopinions.wordpress.com AV

    That is what atheism means to me and I am not trying to judge in any way how atheists should define themselves, I am only pointing out that it appears to me, whether or not I am correct, that many atheists are defining themselves in negative with religious terms– letting religion set the stage and define the game.

    I agree with you in one sense. By rights, non-belief in deities should provide as much grounds for the development of a collective identity as non-belief in fairies.

    The difference, though, is that fairy-belief has never, to my knowledge, been politically influential, whereas deity-belief has historically been enormously influential both at a policy level and in civil society. Despite a gradual, and welcome, secularisation of Western societies since the Enlightenment, the past few decades have witnessed a resurgence of a particularly fundamentalist variant of deity-belief in civil and political life. Atheists in such a situation naturally find themselves acquiring a pariah status. It is this situation that “unites” them (insofar as they can really be said to be “united”), in spite of their diverse political and philosophical outlooks.

    What I was trying to ask for was clarification of purely atheistic views — personal, human, philosophical views not couched in religious or anti-religious terms.
    Does that make sense?

    Yes, and I’m sorry to be pedantic, but I have to repeat that if you’re looking for “purely atheistic” views, you’ll be hard pressed to find them. Philosophy is replete with non-theistic (secular) schools of thought, many of which are equally likely to influence theists as they are non-theists: e.g existentialism, Greek philosophy, analytic philosophy, etc. etc.

  • http://www.runicfire.net ansuzmannaz

    Now, the previous paragraph is partly satirical in intent, but it does happen to be true that many scientists believe that non-white “races” are inferior to the “white race,” and that women are inferior in various intellectual abilities to males.

    There is no doubt sexism and racism amongst scientists, but I do not know if it is as endemic as you imply. The scientific consensus is that variation between individuals is much greater than variation between races or sexes. In fact, the more we research the more “race” becomes an arbitrary distinction designed by humans which has little reflection in function or biology. Also, while women are claimed less capable, on average, than men in certain respects, there are other aspects in which they are more proficient. For example, it has been demonstrated that women have twice as many layers of neurons in the verbal processing section of their brains, and functionally outscore men in language skills. On average, of course.

    Science is indeed a more valid authority than religion because it relies on testing and evidence. Thus, the findings of the scientific community are more likely to be closer to the truth. What it does not do is dictate what our values should be. When people forget that and use science to justify their own myopic and selfish viewpoints, that is when atrocities are committed in the name of science.

    I’ll also mention that not all scientists are experts in every area of science. Biologist he may be, I doubt that James Watson has done any extensive research on race or sex.

  • http://hoverfrog.wordpress.com hoverFrog

    Mriana, the human digestive system is unable to break down certain cellulose material and certain vitamins can much more easily be obtained from animal products. It isn’t a limitation as such as my vegetarian diet is a damn sight healthier than that of most people who don’t restrict their diet. At least my stomach doesn’t contain the average 6lb of undigested red meat that the average American male has. I do like to ensure that I get sufficient iron in my diet from leafy green veggies. Vegans are no different in that regard except their fats have to come from sources other than dairy products.

    How this got to go on a religious parody site is actually the confusing issue.

  • Stephen

    At least my stomach doesn’t contain the average 6lb of undigested red meat that the average American male has.

    My word, you actually believe that old myth? Look, I’m fine with vegetarianism, but being ignorant about your own lifestyle isn’t helping your case.

  • Mriana

    hoverFrog said,

    December 28, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    Mriana, the human digestive system is unable to break down certain cellulose material and certain vitamins can much more easily be obtained from animal products. It isn’t a limitation as such as my vegetarian diet is a damn sight healthier than that of most people who don’t restrict their diet. At least my stomach doesn’t contain the average 6lb of undigested red meat that the average American male has. I do like to ensure that I get sufficient iron in my diet from leafy green veggies. Vegans are no different in that regard except their fats have to come from sources other than dairy products.

    How this got to go on a religious parody site is actually the confusing issue.

    I’m a vegetarian and I don’t take any vitamins or supplements. I’m not deficant in anything. In fact, I’m pretty healthy. So, are my sons and they have been raised vegetarians all their lives. In fact, the smell of meat causes us to feel nausea. There is the other issue about meat that I have done well without since I was 12 or earlier- meat with nitrates in it. Fewer migraines and I’ve not touched meat since I was 12. My younger son, prone to migraines also, learned the hard way when he was at a friend’s house and accepted the hot dogs the boy’s mother was feeding everyone else. He got a migraine and never touched them again.

    In all honesty, my family does better if we stay away from meat. As for how the topic of vegetarianism got in here, I don’t know, but it is a way of life.

    Stephen said,

    December 28, 2007 at 11:55 pm

    At least my stomach doesn’t contain the average 6lb of undigested red meat that the average American male has.

    My word, you actually believe that old myth? Look, I’m fine with vegetarianism, but being ignorant about your own lifestyle isn’t helping your case.

    He seems to be full of myths concerning carnivores and vegetarians.

  • http://fundypost.blogspot.com/ Paul Litterick

    Another tragic case of irony deficiency: the fundies cannot see the joke in Landover and worry that others might think it real, so they make a chart. Then they get emo because we laugh at them.

  • Mriana

    My relatives would have a conniption over it, but I bet they would not pass any of the Bible tests they have on there.

  • http://hoverFrog.wordpress.com hoverFrog

    Stephen said

    My word, you actually believe that old myth? Look, I’m fine with vegetarianism, but being ignorant about your own lifestyle isn’t helping your case.

    Actually I always have. It’s an example of one of those things that I’ve just accepted without bothering to question. Now that you have challenged my assumption I am unable to find any evidence that it is fact. I am forced to abandon the assumption. Thanks.

    If only it were that easy with religion. ;)

  • Steve

    I can no longer long into the Landover Baptist web site…Did it shut down?
    It’s just such good satire!
    SteveB

  • Winston Smith

    Actually what Landover is saying and doing, in their excellent command of scripture, is perfectly in line with the Old Testament or, in Judaism, the Torah.

    The Old Testament, which is mind bogglingly evil, alternates between commandments to genocide, lurid hardcore snuff porn, and Obsessive Compulsive-like totalitarian laws. What everyone is too PC ( afraid to be labeled “anti-semite” ) to point out is that it is these Jewish roots which are the source of Christian and Muslim fundamentalism/imperial intolerance.

  • Robert S

    AV revealed all: the unifying factor of militant atheists is not their disbelief in fairies but their belief that religiosity is the foundation of political conservatism. And, being hard-line progressives as well as atheists with a stereotypical view of religion (the Abrahamic religions in particular), they have thus (mis)identified their enemy.

  • jim

    the landovers are hillarious when you know its a satire, but frightening if you dont

  • Jared

    the landovers are hillarious when you know its a satire, but frightening if you dont

    Exactly. When I first stumbled across their site, I was shocked that people would actually try to pass themselves off as “Christians” posting such outlanding comments. Now that I know the site was created just to mock Christians, I am mad to a lesser extent, but still think it is a dangerous thing, especially to someone who might get a bad impression of Christianity from it.

    Actually what Landover is saying and doing, in their excellent command of scripture, is perfectly in line with the Old Testament or, in Judaism, the Torah.

    Agreed. But they seem to completely ignore the teachings of the New Testament.


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