If you’re like me, whenever you read Landover Baptist Church, you wonder if it’s true or not…
I’m just kidding.
It’s made up. You know how I know it’s made up? Because they $%&#ing say so.
But Cross Nation wants to make sure you know there’s a difference:
So they created a chart… because you’re too much of an idiot to tell when Landover is making stuff up.
Here’s just one example (reprinted, as is, from cross-nation’s site):
|What Landoverbaptist.com claims Fundamentalists believe.||What Fundamentalists Believe in their own words.|
You are probably asking yourself, “Why will Jesus be removing our reproductive organs and teats before we get to Heaven?” Well, my dear lady, the answer is quite simple. In Heaven, there’ll simply be no need for genitals. My guess is that the Lord is pretty disgusted after having to watch His creatures hump away on each other for the last 4,000 years. I know I’d be! Think of it this way, Jesus and His Daddy have been sitting up there in Heaven watching the longest pornographic film ever made, and frankly, they are no longer amused.
|Afterlife“Will our resurrection bodies have sex organs? Since men will be men, and women will be women, and since there will be direct continuity between the old bodies and the new, there’s every reason to believe they will.” |
(Alcorn, Randy Heaven Wheaton, Illonois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2004 p.339.)
It’s more comical to read the lines Cross Nation doesn’t want you to misunderstand.
Like this one from Landover Baptist regarding race:
“We’ve got races of funny looking people on this planet because demons were running around, humping’ humans back in Genesis!”
Or this one about vegetarians:
They are weak heathens, worshipping other gods.
Cross Nation provides Fundamentalists’ real beliefs on those topics. Believe it or not, Fundamentalists actually think people of all races are equal and vegetarians are just fine, too.
(via The Great Realization)