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Got a punchline…?
An atheist walked into a bar…
An atheist walks into a bar.
“Anyone here religious?” she asks.
A group of men at a table in the corner raise their hands and shout, “Over here!”
The atheist introduces herself as such, and asks the men how they all came to be where they are today.
“We all just got released from prison,” says one.
“Yeah,” says another. “It’s all because of the strength of our convictions.”
Some of the worse jokes ever spoken by anyone:
An atheist walked into the bar, wait… bar? What bar? There are no bars.
An atheist walked into a bar. The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”
An atheist walked into a bar and asked for a glass of water. The bartender looked at him strangely. The atheist said, “What, I’m an atheist, not an athirstist.”
My brain is dead.
An atheist walks into a bar and finds a priest, a rabbi, and an imam in boisterious discussion at a table in the back. “What is this, a joke?” he thinks to himself.
Nevertheless, he orders a pint of bitters and the fish and chips and sits down, far away from the raucous theological discussion. Or so he hoped. After a few moments, the priest approaches his table. “Pardon me, sir,” says the priest, “but you look a little lonely by yourself. Would you like to join us in the back?” “No thanks, mate,” says the atheist. “I’m not into all that god stuff.” “But God is the most important thing in the universe!” replied the priest. “How can you be disinterested in the Almighty?” The atheist banged his fist on the table rudely, clattering his pint and his fish and chips. “I’m just trying to have a bite here. Just leave me alone, and let me eat.” The priest scoffs off back to his table, and the atheist is left alone with his beer. After a few more minutes, the rabbi approaches the atheist’s table. “Surely you don’t mean what you said. God shouldn’t be a burden, or an annoyance. Having and keeping the divine should be a joy in your life.” The atheist stands up, and turns to the rabbi. “This is why religion is losing members,” he said, and he banged his fist on the table again and again. His beer wobbled. “It’s because you won’t! Stop! Bothering! People! When they’re trying! To have! A Fucking! Meal!”
By this time, the imam had rushed up to the atheist’s table. “Sir, please, calm down, please!” he cried. The atheist turned on him. “And what do you want?” he yelled as he slammed his fist down on the table one more time. Suddenly there was a crash. Behind him, his fish and his beer had crashed onto the floor and the plate and glass had shattered into a hundred pieces..
Amid the stunned silence of the pub, the imam softly spoke up. “Sir, I was just trying to save your sole!”
An atheist walks into a bar and asks “did anyone see a priest and a rabbi come in? I was supposed to meet them outside to start a funny joke.”
An atheist walks into a bar and orders three pints at once.
The bartender thinks it odd that the man ordered three pints instead of one pint with three refills, but fills the order anyway.
The atheist walks in a week later and, once again, orders three pints. This time, the barkeep can’t hold his curiosity, and asks, “why three pints all at once, mate?”
“Well, one pint is for me, one is for my brother living in Sydney, and other is for my brother in London. We all order pints in our respective cities to remember each other.”
“How nice,” said the barkeep as he walked away.
This continued for some time, and the atheist became a regular.
Weeks later, as the barkeep handed the man three pints, he held up his hand, saying, “just two today, friend.”
The bartender was stricken. “I’m so sorry… my thoughts to you and yours.”
“Oh no worries, mate,” says the man, “I just converted to Mormonism!”
An atheist walked into a bar… “How much for a glass of Jesus blood?”
An atheist walks into a bar and says “Ow that hurt!”
Ah, I love inventing jokes. Here’s a crappy one I threw together:
An atheist walks into a bar, leading a decrepit looking goblin on a leash. He sits at the bar and has a long conversation with the bartender, who does his best to ignore the strange, hideous-looking goblin. Eventually, the bartender is able to get his mind off the goblin, as the conversation turns into a heated debate about religion. The atheist chastises the bartender for believing in God. At this, the bartender responds: “Do you believe in what you can experience?” The atheist says, “Yes.” “Well,” says the bartender, “I have seen God, so I believe in him.” “I don’t find that convincing,” says the atheist. The bartender scratches his head, and looks down at the goblin the atheist has brought with him. “Tell me, do you believe in goblins?” he asks the atheist. “Of course!” says the atheist. The bartender continues: “And many other people do not believe in goblins because they have never seen them–but they’d be wrong.” “Yes,” says the atheist, “I see what you are saying.” The bartender smiles. “That’s good,” he says, “because the God I know is every bit as real as that goblin at your side.” “Goblin?” the atheist says. “That’s my wife!”
Maybe next time I’ll try to think of one where atheism is the actual punch line!
An atheist walks into a bar, has a few drinks, has a few laughs, and forgets that in order to be a professional atheist you have to lead a life of nihilism.
An atheist walked into a bar… and a child was born.
An atheist walks into a bar and says, “Make me one with nothing. Give it to me straight up.”
An atheist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do you believe in God?” To which the athiest replies, “No I’m a frayed knot.””
An atheist walked into a bar… OUCH!
An atheist walked into a bar, but seeing no bartender he revised his initial assumption and decided he only walked into a room.
An atheist walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, check out my new hair color.”
The atheist replies, “But you don’t have any hair. How can you say bald is a hair color.”
“The same way people say your religion is atheism.”
An atheist walks into a bar. He orders a beer from John, who’s very friendly. Then he sits and talks to Davy, a career military man, and Paul, an old bachelor. He avoids the waitress, who is telling a customers that religion is what makes this country strong, and that our freedom comes from God.
Then he walks up to the piano and begins playing, and everyone feels all right.
I like the Billy Joel version of the joke.
An atheist walks into a bar, and, as he sits down at the bar, he overhears a lively discussion at a nearby table. As his eyes adjust to the dim light, he realizes that a rabbi, a priest, and an imam are discussing philosophy and religion and what god really wants us to do.
The atheist walks right over, pulls up a chair, and sits down to join the discussion. When he gets an opening, he explains that the basic philosophy of their three religions, and much of the scripture of their three religions, and much current practice amongst their flocks, all support extreme violence and killing of thousands without mercy. The three answer, in various ways, that the atheist is wrong about the basic philosophy and is cherry picking the scriptures, and besides, Stalin and Mao killed millions in the name of atheistic communism. The atheist answers that was power corrupting political leaders, just as power has corrupted President Bush. But current atheist philosophy has no basis for such violence. Current Christian philosophy does. This whole conversation gets nowhere, so the atheist goes home, and goes to an atheist website, so he can preach to the choir of his fellow atheists.
And then he participates in a finish the joke project, but fails to make it funny, because he is not in the mood to take a humor break away from serious discussion of the fact that:
The world is getting killed by itself because of the philosophy behind the three biggest religions, which is, I am right, you are wrong, I am good, you are evil. So, if I kill you I decrease the evil in the world. And Jesus is coming soon, anyway.
…Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it.
An atheist walks into a bar “A Purple Jesus for me and a Bloody Mary for my friend please” he asks.
“An atheist walks into a bar…”
…and doesn’t order anything, because — unlike many of his Christian contemporaries — he doesn’t drink.*
*=based on a true story
…because it was there.
…because the church down the street was full.
…to save a talking baby whale.
This is a long, drawn-out process which requires this 20 hour drive across the country to an ocean. I won’t bore you with this part. Anyway, the talking baby whale is put back in the water.
Now back in the water, the talking baby whale, thankful for its rescue, asked the atheist “Why did you, of everyone I asked, decide to save me?” The atheist replied “Well at first I thought you were imaginary, because what are the odds of a talking baby whale? But then I realized that anything is possible. Also I like driving for 20 hours.” The talking baby whale asks the atheist “So you don’t think I’m an illusion?” The atheist replies “No, of course you’re real, I can see you and interact with you.” Pleased, the talking baby whale transforms back into his true form, Jesus Christ. “Tricked you!” Jesus proclaims as he swims away.
…which specializes in stereotypes, and proceeded to order a baby sandwich and a bucket of believer’s blood to wash it down.
…and sat down next to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who is visibly saddened. The atheist asks him, “Why the lo mein?”
…and promptly discovered Christopher Hitchens had already drank the place dry.
…and asks for a drink. The bartender replies “Your mom.”
…using bipedal locomotion that had been acquired by his australopithecine ancestors. He, without thinking, stably transfers his body mass onto a stool, thanks to a primate inner ear well used to changes in inertia. With undulations of his vocal cords as air is pushed past the glottis, and precise movements of his tongue and lips, and using a hand symbol to fully press the point, he orders ten shots. The bartender, hearing this order with a middle ear partially constructed of what used to be lower jaw bones, asks what’s the special occasion. The atheist says “It’s been a long day and I need to not think for a while.” The bartender replies “Have you tried religion?”
The atheist says “I need to unevolve for a bit.” The bartender replies “How can you as a single person evolve, evolution requires distinct populations of a species, each with distinct haplotypes that can respond in differential ways to environmental stimuli” The atheist replies “You know, I hadn’t thought about that,” and as he and the bartender discuss population genetics and its implications for evolutionary theory, he takes notes on cocktail napkins.
Those cocktail napkins were the origin of the Origin of Species. *
An atheist walks into a bar, and takes responsibility for the welt on his head – he doesn’t blame some mystical superstition for loving him so much that he put the bar in his way, or for diverting his attention briefly to prevent him from seeing the bar coming at him.
Also, you know who else walked into a bar? HITLER AND STALIN.
… the power of thirst compelled him.
An atheist walks into a bar….
…..and the bartender says, “Geez Chris, are you drying out, I ain’t seen you in five minutes!” “Oh, and would you sign my copy of god is not great?”
Hey Drew! I just saw that atheist in concert on Tuesday evening at Arco Arena in Sacramento!
…the barman, privy to all the above comments, says ‘bloody hell, is this a convention?’
…because a beer is always good after having eaten babies.
…and said “I’ll have a Salvation Special.”
The bartender looked at him curiously. “Never heard of that one…what’s in it?”
The atheist pointed to a dozen different bottles. “One shot of each of those…and a twist of lime.”
“Uh, are you sure?” the bartender asked. “Sounds like the recipe for a major hangover.”
The atheist shrugged. “Yeah, I’ll feel like death for three days but after that I’ll be fine.”
If that joke ended right there, it would’ve been the funniest joke here.
An atheist walks in to a bar and orders a whisky “straight” asks the bartender. “No” says the atheist “I don’t believe in wholly spirits”
you guys are terrible comedians, stick to science and teaching
an atheist walks into a bar to avoid all the street corner preachers, and the religious people handing out flyer’s. So he said wazzup had a bud, chilled and watched the game.
An atheist walks into a bar and asks Tony, the bartender, for a beer. As tony hands him the glass the atheists says “Thanks, add it to my tab”, to which the bartender says “No problem!”. A priest sees the scene, walks up to the bartender and asks for a beer too. As Tony hands him the glass the priest says “Thanks, add it to my tab, please”. Tony replies “Sorry father, but you have to pay now”. The priest, visibly upset, reminds Tony, a member of his congregation, of his status, and adds “are saying you trust this man, a person with a known lack of faith, more than you trust me?”. Tony answers “I know one thing, atheist pay their dues in this life, while believers leave it all for the next. It will be $5, NOW, please”
A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. “Did God create everything that exists?” A student bravely replied, “Yes he did!” “God created everything?” The professor asked. “Yes sir, he certainly did,” the student replied. The professor answered, “If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil.” The student became quiet and did not answer the professor’s hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth. Another student raised his hand and said, “May I ask you a question, professor?” “Of course”, replied the professor. The student stood up and asked, “Professor, does cold exist?” “What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?” The other students snickered at the young man’s question. The young man replied, “In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.” The student continued, “Professor, does darkness exist?” The professor responded, “Of course it does.” The student replied, “Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton’s prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn’t this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present.” Finally the young man asked the professor, “Sir, does evil exist?” Now uncertain, the professor responded, “Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man’s Inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil. To this the student replied, “Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light.” The professor sat down.
Oh, absolutely evil is the absence of God. Naturally, without God there wouldn’t be such wonderfully good things as the Crusades which killed millions, the hatred of the Westboro Baptist Church, an endless, “God-ordained” war in the Middle East, or a great many other things. Merely stating that evil is the absence of God is one thing, but what evil actually is, is the absence of *good*, which exists quite independent of God. And it is so easy to come up with a response to a question you have had time to contemplate. It is infinitely harder to answer one on the spot. Thus, the student’s speech and the professor’s silence is explained.
That’s 10 wasted minutes of my one life I’ll never get back. Not one laugh on the whole page!
Some Atheists walk into a bar …
… but they move so slow no one see them
An atheist walks into a bar straight from his AA meeting and shouts – don’t believe in spirits!
An Atheist walks into a bar …… sits down at a table with Hitler, Stalin, Napoleon, Julius Caesar, Alexander of Macedon, Pol Pot, Kaiser Wilhelm and Genghis Khan to discuss their ongoing PR venture – “How all wars are caused by religion!”
Two atheist walk into a bar, opposite the main church in Cordoba …
… thumbing at the church, one says to other – could you imagine any idiot who went into that building could have had anything do with the renaissance!
An atheist runs into a café full of Muslims and Christians and screams, ‘YOU ARE ALL DELUSIONAL, YOU ARE ALL MAD’ waving a copy of ‘The God Delusion’ in his right hand – one of the guys in the café turns round and says ‘don’t you mean possessed?’
An atheist walks into a bar …
… to meet his agnostic friend.
After greeting each other the agnostic asks what the atheist has been doing –
Atheist – ‘Well today I met a priest and then I met an imam’.
Agnostic – ‘What did you talk about?’.
Atheist – ‘I told them how they were responsible for the evil and madness in the world and generally took the P. You know how stupid they must be to believe in all that crap.’
Agnostic – ‘I suppose they didn’t like that?’.
Atheist – [laughing] ‘NO! But you know what the best argument against religion is?’.
Agnostic – ‘What?’.
Atheist – ‘its so intolerant’.
An atheist walked into a bar …
“Drinks all round!”
The Bartender says – ‘that great – what’s the occasion?’
Atheist – ‘I am evolutionary biologist and have just made one of the best scientific predictions about what will happen to future generations of humans …’
Then he remembered he was an evolutionary biologist and walked back out.
An atheist (who was an evolutionary biologist) walked into a bar
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. no one can prove or disprove what happened next.
… sits down on a stool and overhears a conversion between a priest and agnostic.
The atheist butts in, pointing at the priest … ‘your stupid because your head is in the sky’, then turns to the agnostic – ‘and your stupid because you stand looking up thinking that their might be something in the sky’.
The agnostic replies ‘It must be good to have that constant relationship with your shoes laces?’
An atheist walks into a bar and asks the bartender frantically – … ‘does the back of my neck exist?’
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