Complete the Atheist Joke #1

An atheist walks into a bar.

“Anyone here religious?” she asks.

A group of men at a table in the corner raise their hands and shout, “Over here!”

The atheist introduces herself as such, and asks the men how they all came to be where they are today.

“We all just got released from prison,” says one.

“Yeah,” says another. “It’s all because of the strength of our convictions.”

An atheist walks into a bar and finds a priest, a rabbi, and an imam in boisterious discussion at a table in the back.
“What is this, a joke?” he thinks to himself.

Nevertheless, he orders a pint of bitters and the fish and chips and sits down, far away from the raucous theological discussion. Or so he hoped.
After a few moments, the priest approaches his table. “Pardon me, sir,” says the priest, “but you look a little lonely by yourself. Would you like to join us in the back?”
“No thanks, mate,” says the atheist. “I’m not into all that god stuff.”
“But God is the most important thing in the universe!” replied the priest. “How can you be disinterested in the Almighty?”
The atheist banged his fist on the table rudely, clattering his pint and his fish and chips. “I’m just trying to have a bite here. Just leave me alone, and let me eat.”
The priest scoffs off back to his table, and the atheist is left alone with his beer.
After a few more minutes, the rabbi approaches the atheist’s table. “Surely you don’t mean what you said. God shouldn’t be a burden, or an annoyance. Having and keeping the divine should be a joy in your life.”
The atheist stands up, and turns to the rabbi. “This is why religion is losing members,” he said, and he banged his fist on the table again and again. His beer wobbled. “It’s because you won’t! Stop! Bothering! People! When they’re trying! To have! A Fucking! Meal!”

By this time, the imam had rushed up to the atheist’s table. “Sir, please, calm down, please!” he cried. The atheist turned on him. “And what do you want?” he yelled as he slammed his fist down on the table one more time. Suddenly there was a crash. Behind him, his fish and his beer had crashed onto the floor and the plate and glass had shattered into a hundred pieces..

Amid the stunned silence of the pub, the imam softly spoke up. “Sir, I was just trying to save your sole!”

An atheist walks into a bar and orders three pints at once.

The bartender thinks it odd that the man ordered three pints instead of one pint with three refills, but fills the order anyway.

The atheist walks in a week later and, once again, orders three pints. This time, the barkeep can’t hold his curiosity, and asks, “why three pints all at once, mate?”

“Well, one pint is for me, one is for my brother living in Sydney, and other is for my brother in London. We all order pints in our respective cities to remember each other.”

“How nice,” said the barkeep as he walked away.

This continued for some time, and the atheist became a regular.

Weeks later, as the barkeep handed the man three pints, he held up his hand, saying, “just two today, friend.”

The bartender was stricken. “I’m so sorry… my thoughts to you and yours.”

“Oh no worries, mate,” says the man, “I just converted to Mormonism!”

An atheist walks into a bar and says “Ow that hurt!”

An atheist walks into a bar, has a few drinks, has a few laughs, and forgets that in order to be a professional atheist you have to lead a life of nihilism.

*rofl-copter*

An atheist walks into a bar and says, “Make me one with nothing. Give it to me straight up.”

—

An atheist walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Do you believe in God?”
To which the athiest replies, “No I’m a frayed knot.””

An atheist walked into a bar, but seeing no bartender he revised his initial assumption and decided he only walked into a room.

An atheist walks into a bar. He orders a beer from John, who’s very friendly. Then he sits and talks to Davy, a career military man, and Paul, an old bachelor. He avoids the waitress, who is telling a customers that religion is what makes this country strong, and that our freedom comes from God.

Then he walks up to the piano and begins playing, and everyone feels all right.

Atheist humor…pfft!

…Two Jews walk into a bar.
They buy it.

“An atheist walks into a bar…”

…and doesn’t order anything, because — unlike many of his Christian contemporaries — he doesn’t drink.*

*=based on a true story

An atheist walks into a bar, and takes responsibility for the welt on his head – he doesn’t blame some mystical superstition for loving him so much that he put the bar in his way, or for diverting his attention briefly to prevent him from seeing the bar coming at him.

Also, you know who else walked into a bar? HITLER AND STALIN.

An atheist walks into a bar….

…..and the bartender says, “Geez Chris, are you drying out, I ain’t seen you in five minutes!” “Oh, and would you sign my copy of god is not great?”

An atheist walked into a bar…

…the barman, privy to all the above comments, says ‘bloody hell, is this a convention?’

An atheist walked into a bar…

…and said “I’ll have a Salvation Special.”

The bartender looked at him curiously. “Never heard of that one…what’s in it?”

The atheist pointed to a dozen different bottles. “One shot of each of those…and a twist of lime.”

“Uh, are you sure?” the bartender asked. “Sounds like the recipe for a major hangover.”

The atheist shrugged. “Yeah, I’ll feel like death for three days but after that I’ll be fine.”

An atheist walks in to a bar and orders a whisky
“straight” asks the bartender.
“No” says the atheist “I don’t believe in wholly spirits”

an atheist walks into a bar to avoid all the street corner preachers, and the religious people handing out flyer’s. So he said wazzup had a bud, chilled and watched the game.

A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. “Did God create everything that
exists?”
A student bravely replied, “Yes he did!” “God created everything?” The professor asked. “Yes sir, he certainly did,” the student replied. The professor answered, “If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil.” The student became quiet and did not answer the professor’s hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth. Another student raised his hand and said, “May I ask you a question, professor?” “Of course”, replied the professor. The student stood up and asked, “Professor, does cold exist?” “What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?” The other students snickered at the young man’s question. The young man replied, “In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.” The student continued, “Professor, does darkness exist?” The professor responded, “Of course it does.” The student replied, “Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton’s prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn’t this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present.” Finally the young man asked the professor, “Sir, does evil exist?” Now uncertain, the professor responded, “Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man’s Inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil. To this the student replied, “Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light.” The professor sat down.

That’s 10 wasted minutes of my one life I’ll never get back.  Not one laugh on the whole page!

An atheist walks into a bar straight from his AA meeting and shouts – don’t believe in spirits!

Two atheist walk into a bar, opposite
the main church in Cordoba …

… thumbing at the church, one says to
other – could you imagine any idiot who went into that building
could have had anything do with the renaissance!

An atheist walks into a bar …

… to meet his agnostic friend. 

After
greeting each other the agnostic asks what the atheist has been doing
–

Atheist – ‘Well today I met a priest and then I met an imam’.

Agnostic – ‘What did you talk about?’.

Atheist – ‘I told them how
they were responsible for the evil and madness in the world and
generally took the P.  You know how stupid they must be to believe in all that crap.’

Agnostic – ‘I suppose they didn’t like
that?’.

Atheist – [laughing] ‘NO! But you know what the best
argument against religion is?’.

Agnostic – ‘What?’.

Atheist –
‘its so intolerant’.

An atheist (who was an evolutionary
biologist) walked into a bar

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
no one can prove or disprove what happened next.

An atheist walks into a bar and asks
the bartender frantically –
… ‘does the back of my neck exist?’