New Atheist Stereotypes

I’m tired of the negative atheist stereotypes.

You know the ones I’m talking about: that we’re evil, angry, militant, baby-eating, unfunny, insensitive, immoral, etc.

They’re obviously untrue (even though babies are *delicious*), but even worse, they’re ignorant. People who says those things have no idea what they’re talking about. And no matter what we do to prove them wrong, it usually falls flat.

But if people will believe lies, why not at least spread some less harmful ones…?

It would become much harder to hate us if our image shifted to something more neutral or positive from what it is right now.

So I’ll start us off.

Things people should know about atheists:

  • We get a 10% discount at participating Chipotles.
  • We can run the mile in under three minutes.
  • We drive Honda Civics.
  • We get to take four ounces of liquid aboard planes when we fly.
  • We can speedread.
  • We are two inches taller than the general population (on average).
  • We don’t have six-pack abs. We have eight-packs.
  • We get free HBO.
  • We get an extra two days in February.
  • We never need to iron our clothes.

There. Now, go spread the new stereotypes!

Or add some of your own…


[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

  • koz

    LOL. I skipped the intro text and went straight to the list and thought, “WOW! We get 10 percent off at Chipotle?! I never knew!”

    Gullible.

  • I like tea

    Great post, Hemant, and very important information. Let me go ahead and replace another common stereotype with a far truer one:

    Despite popular claims, we atheists don’t worship Richard Dawkins, Charles Darwin, or even Stephen Hawking. Oh no no no.

    We worship Bill Nye.

    Bill frikken Nye.

  • http://mytensmakt.blogspot.com/ BryanJ

    We are two inches taller than the general population (on average).

    This may actually be near the truth, considering the male-female ratio of atheists.

  • Alycia

    -Once you become an atheist, we can rebuild you. We have the technology. Better than you were before. Better, stronger, faster.

    -We even know what will be on Woot the next day, and what is in the Bag of Crap. Yes, we are that awesome.

    -We created the “Members Only” jacket as a way of identifying ourselves, but it inadvertently started a trend since they were so cool. Those who still wear theirs obviously didn’t get the memo.

    -Same as above, but with scrunchies.

  • http://www.tuibguy.com Mike Haubrich, FCD

    Atheists sharpen our pencils 7.3% sharper.
    An atheist’s 4gb mp3 player actually has 4.4gb.

  • http://www.meritboundalley.net Joe M

    * We never need to trim our nails, we just convince the ends to fall off
    * We all share the middle name of “Lancelot”
    * We make the best coffee, and always use fresh grounds
    * In the moonlight, our skin is slightly luminescent
    * We can stare at total solar eclipses with no ill effect
    * Steve Vai envies out guitar skills
    * Chuck Norris fears us (probably true)

  • Joe L.

    i was waiting at baggage-claim a couple months ago and heard two middle-aged business people talking in front of me, and since we were in an airport the subject of terrorism came up. After a moment, the woman started pondering why Muslims were the source of most terrorism in the US. This was puzzling to her since “they believe in God”. She figured that Atheists would/should be the ones killing themselves and blowing other people up, since “they have nothing to live for since they don’t believe in god”. The man agreed, throwing in that Atheists have “nothing to lose” for killing other people.

    I am a quiet person, but I was about 2 seconds from joining their conversation and railing on them, but fortunately for everyone, my bags showed up right then (divine intervention, anyone?)

    One of the scariest things about overhearing conversations like this is that these Christians would apparently be killing other people willy-nilly if not for the threat of Hell being held over their head all the time. I often hear Christians argue that without God and the 10 Commandments, what’s to stop you from cheating on your wife? Well, I say, if the only reason you don’t cheat on your wife is because it’s listed in the top-10 ways to avoid hell in the Bible, then I feel sorry for your wife!

  • http://amused-muse.blogspot.com Kristine

    We get to be funny? Cool!

  • http://bornagainblog.wordpress.com Justin McKean

    Atheists get 1.3% better gas mileage because of a special atheist driving technique.

    Atheists got blu-ray before everyone else.

    Unfortunately, it was an atheist who came up with the betamax, but no harm done ultimately, right?

  • Susan

    Atheists have three times as many orgasms which last twice as long as those of non-atheists.

  • TXatheist

    Koz, dont’ feel too bad. At Chik-fil-A you do get a discount if you bring in your church brochure. I forget exactly what it is but I haven’t eaten there in at least 5 years. The Christian owned company also has a rack for the Christian yellow pages in each place or they did five years ago. No, I’m not pulling your leg :)

  • Tolga K.

    What religious folk really worship are our combined telepathic and telekinetic abilities.

    We don’t hate God, His Noodliness has been good to us.

    We are two inches taller longer than the general population (on average) (at least).

    /fix

  • http://bellesouth.blogspot.com Bellesouth

    Atheists can drive in the carpool lane without a passenger.

    Atheists never have to clean out the lint filter.

    Atheists only have to get their oil changed every 9 months or every 9,000 miles, whichever comes first.

  • Jen

    Atheists have much, much better hair than theists.

    Atheists have a better sense of smell than everyone else.

    Atheists can communicate telepathically with cats.

  • geru

    Altough atheists’ fang teeth are longer than normal, they are seldom used for devouring small children, or drinking the blood of farm animals.

    Still this is a fact all you pamphlet shoving Bible creeps should remember. So keep those arms and fingers to yourself, unless you want to lose ‘em. Consider yourselves warned!

  • chancelikely

    Due to our general skepticism in other areas, atheists can believe it’s not butter.

  • John

    Jen:

    Atheists can communicate telepathically with cats.

    That must be why I keep hearing a voice say, “I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you feed me I hate you…”.

  • http://intrinsicallyknotted.wordpress.com Susan B.

    An atheist’s head can be used as a low-wattage power source. If you stick one wire in each ear and connect them up to a lightbulb it will turn on.

  • http://dcberner.blogspot.com Derek

    I drive a civic and have free HBO. I guess that means I’m guilty of perpetuating the stereotype.

    Even though I call myself agnostic… few theists see a difference.

  • http://justanotheratheist.blogspot.com Justanotheratheist

    We get free hummus every Tuesday from Whole Foods when we say the passphrase, “Chet Flintlock.”

    We apply HeadOn indirectly to our foreheads. And it still works.

  • James

    Atheists can hold their liquor better than theists.

  • http://dcberner.blogspot.com Derek

    Atheists can hold their liquor better than theists.

    Considering that they get free booze every Sunday morning from a young age, I would think the opposite what with all the time spent building up a tolerance.

    Teetotaling fundies, on the other hand…

  • http://peterconiglio.wordpress.com Paolo

    We have two bladders. That’s why we can see the whole movie/match without going to the toilet.
    And, for us, caffeine is a vitamin.

  • http://groundedinreality.blogspot.com Bruce

    We don’t have six-pack abs. We have eight-packs.

    I can personally vouch for this one. Of course, my body fat is around 10%. I’m naturally skinny, so don’t hate me because I’m beautiful :-)

  • http://gretachristina.typepad.com/ Greta Christina

    Atheists are guaranteed a spot at New York’s Fashion Week in Bryant Park.

    Atheists are entitled to free airline travel anywhere in the continental U.S.

    Atheists will produce an explosive carbonation reaction when dropped in a bottle of Diet Coke.

    In the event of a water landing, atheists can be used as a flotation device.

    Atheists can smell fear.

  • Pingback: Nuovi stereotipi sugli atei (New atheist stereotypes) « La tana del coniglio

  • http://peterconiglio.wordpress.com Paolo

    John said,

    March 10, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    That must be why I keep hearing a voice say, “I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you feed me I hate you…”.

    For example, I smell John’s fear.

  • http://www.sharpiron.org Christian Beyer

    You never have to get into a foxhole?

  • Claire

    No, atheists just become invisible in foxholes. At least officially.

    And we can become invisible at other times. Oh crap, was I not supposed to say that? Never mind, you didn’t hear it here….

  • jonathan

    Do you really think we’re funny? That’s so sweet.

  • Siamang

    We can totally nail Green Grass and High Tides on expert mode.

  • Tone

    *atheists living in Ohio get free season tickets to Akron Aeros games
    *atheists only have to wait a decade to get Packers season tickets, rather than three
    *atheists create great sports logos
    *atheists have large heads like George Lopez
    *atheists can walk across Lake Michigan
    *atheists can turn your filet mignon into chitlins when angry with you
    *atheists are better running backs than Cedric Benson

  • http://thatatheistguysblog.blogspot.com/ NYCatheist

    Atheists don’t have navels.

  • http://amused-muse.blogspot.com Kristine

    NYCatheist – Hey! Hold it right there, bub! Waddaya call this? Huh? (Oh, yeah, it’s covered up.) But absence of evidence doesn’t mean evidence of absence! ;)

    BTW – Atheists like Klimt. I hope.

  • http://thatatheistguysblog.blogspot.com/ NYCatheist

    Kristine, if you really do have a navel under there then maybe you aren’t a True Atheist™.

    ;-)

  • Milena

    Kristine, I decorated my iPod with Klimt.

    Also, atheists have night-vision.

  • http://www.secularplanet.org Secular Planet

    It’s true! It’s true! I do drive a Honda Civic!

  • Imemine

    The atheist class also has +5 to will saves, and a +15 bab against deities. They’re also ideal for multiclassing (excepting clerics).

  • Milena

    Kristine, I decorated my iPod with Klimt.

    I just noticed that the website I posted in my previous comment also features an iPod skin with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Coincidence? I think not.

  • http://drycereal.blogspot.com Riker

    Atheist parents have eyes in the backs of their heads… because of evolution.

  • http://ennuiprayer.wordpress.com ennuiprayer

    How come us Agnostics get screwed over? Where are our positive stereotypes? :(

  • Mriana

    We are two inches taller than the general population (on average).

    HEY! What happened to me? I’m 4′ 11″. :( Well… I am taller than my grandmother who was 4′ 8″ and mother is 4′ 10′. So I guess in a way, depending on how you look at it… :?

    How about, some are very cute and adorable?

  • http://literaghost.blogspot.com/ literghost

    Ahhh! Mriana, we’re the same height! Clearly this has astral significance. Um…4+1+1=6… now we need just one more atheist with this height and we’re set. ;)

    “Cute and adorable atheists” revision seconded. :D

    — Miz L.

  • http://www.SecularDignity.net Secular Dignity

    ennuiprayer said,

    How come us Agnostics get screwed over? Where are our positive stereotypes? :(

    Because the Agnostic Stereotype Committee cannot come to a final decision.

  • http://www.chickengirl.net/ Chicken Girl

    Atheists can simply walk into Mordor.

  • Nick

    We get free hummus every Tuesday from Whole Foods when we say the passphrase, “Chet Flintlock.”

    What? I don’t see that in the handbook!

  • http://www.aredant.blogspot.com Rev. barky
  • Mriana

    literghost said,

    March 10, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    Ahhh! Mriana, we’re the same height! Clearly this has astral significance. Um…4+1+1=6… now we need just one more atheist with this height and we’re set.

    “Cute and adorable atheists” revision seconded.

    — Miz L.

    :lol: Yup! That is us! I love it!

  • Richard Wade

    Some of these are paraphrased from advertising:

    Use atheism every day for ten days and you will have cleaner, whiter teeth.

    Atheists are 99 and 44/100% pure, and they float.

    Nine out of ten psychiatrists recommend conversations with atheists for their patients who have conversations with people.

    They also recommend conversations with atheists for their patients who have conversations with invisible father figures in the sky.

    The Surgeon General has determined that atheists have fewer trans fats, more anti-oxidants and prettier feet than theists.

    Atheists don’t just dream in color, they dream in 3-D color with surround sound.

    Atheists have more fun.

    Atheists produce 41% less greenhouse gasses than theists.

    Atheists have better sex more often than what Ted Haggard said that Christians have.

    When atheists talk, people listen.

    I freethink, therefore I am.

    You never outgrow your need for atheists.

    Got atheism?

  • Richard Wade

    Oh yeah lets not forget:
    Atheists build strong bodies twelve ways.

  • koz

    Yeah, the Chick-Fil-A propaganda got old fast. But their milkshakes are tasty!

  • Metatwaddle

    When an atheist chops an onion, the onion cries.

    Atheists don’t fly. They stare down gravity until it runs sobbing into a corner.

    Atheists can touch M.C. Hammer.

    Atheists can play Chopin’s Minute Waltz in twenty-four seconds.

  • http://cubiksrube.wordpress.com Cubik’s Rube

    We get an extended warranty as standard on all electronic equipment
    We can see just a little way into the ultra-violet spectrum
    We know all the rules to Mornington Crescent
    We *can* believe it’s not butter damn, I swear I thought of that independently too
    We can photosynthesise
    We know how many roads a man must walk down
    Our hair is self-conditioning
    The cake is a lie, but we know the truth
    We taste refreshingly minty
    Okay, I’m reaching now…

  • http://amused-muse.blogspot.com Kristine

    Atheists are duct tape personified.

  • Awesomesauce

    Bananas give atheists nightmares.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2z-OLG0KyR4

  • Metatwaddle

    Oh, one more:

    When you become an atheist, you win The Game.

  • Awesomesauce

    Damn, I lost the game! Oh wait… *implodes

  • Metatwaddle

    *diabolical laughter*

  • http://fjwhfekh42.com Dave

    Hemant,

    Make sure you send the best ones here:
    http://newstereotypes.blogspot.com/

  • http://dcberner.blogspot.com Derek

    Because the Agnostic Stereotype Committee cannot come to a final decision.

    Dammit! I knew I had somewhere to be last Tuesday. Of course, none of us had any way of knowing where the final vote was being held.

  • bliksim

    Atheists can paste a picture into Notepad !

  • theo

    Hemant: They’re obviously untrue (even though babies are *delicious*), but even worse, they’re ignorant. People who says those things have no idea what they’re talking about. And no matter what we do to prove them wrong, it usually falls flat.

    Hi Hermant. We prefer to let the New Atheists speak for themselves. Check out the best of 2008!

    http://telicthoughts.com/new-atheist-top-ten-quotes-of-2008/


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